Real Men Will

by Victoria Dahl

  Determined? What did that mean? He tugged his phone from his pocket. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll check with her and make sure she’s okay. I can’t believe she’d…”

  Luke’s eyebrows rose, and Eric realized that it had just become obvious that he knew Beth pretty damn well. Luke spun on one foot and didn’t say another word before walking out.

  Eric hit the call button, but the call went straight to voice mail. He was suddenly starkly afraid. Surely Kendall wouldn’t have hurt her in any way? He rushed for the door with a curse and headed straight for his car.

  Her shop was closer than her apartment, so Eric headed there first. Risking a seriously hefty speeding ticket, he made it in two minutes flat, and breathed a huge sigh of relief when he saw her red car in the lot. He pulled in, wheels squealing against the blacktop, and jumped out as soon as he hit the brake.

  When he burst into the store, everyone looked up, including Beth.

  “Beth! Are you all right?”

  “Of course,” she said, but her eyes slid away, and she looked nervously around.

  “But I thought…”

  She tipped her head toward the back, and Eric followed her to a small office that was lined with stocking shelves full of merchandise. Beth closed the door and paced away from him, her arms folded tight.

  “What happened?” he demanded. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “Luke told me you withdrew your story about Monica. Roland Kendall obviously threatened you in some way. What did he do?”

  “Nothing,” she said. “I lied about what she said.”

  “You did not.”

  “I did. I lied about it because I was always jealous of Monica. But in the end, I couldn’t live with it. It’s just that simple.”

  “You’re lying to me,” he said, hearing the shock in his own voice.

  She shook her head and moved carefully to her desk to sit down. Her gaze fell to her hands as she twisted them together.

  “You’re lying.” He couldn’t imagine why it hurt, but it did. “Why?”

  She shook her head again.

  “Wow. You know what? It doesn’t matter, anyway.”

  She blinked, looking startled at the anger in his voice. Eric was startled, too. He hadn’t realized he was furious. “What do you mean?” she whispered.

  “You don’t know?”

  She finally looked up. “Know what?”

  “The D.A. had enough evidence to charge Monica regardless. They didn’t need your story anymore. So I don’t know why you lied, but you could have saved yourself the trouble.”

  Her face went startlingly pale. “They arrested her?”

  “No. When it got to that point, Kendall agreed to deal. He’s going to cut off funding to Graham.”

  “Oh.” She looked vaguely ill.

  “Beth, what did he do?”

  “Nothing,” she insisted. “I lied. That’s all.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “Tell me what happened, damn it!”

  “It doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters to me. You lied to me and you did something that might have ruined this case. So it matters to me!”

  She shrugged, and the fury inside him broke open and spilled out.

  “What was he going to do? Get you fired from this great job? Wait. I know! Maybe he was going to ruin your reputation!”

  Her gaze sharpened at the sarcasm in his words. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Did he pay you off, is that it?”

  She stood up. “What did you mean about my reputation?”

  “You know what I meant.”

  Too late, he saw the pain in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” he said in a rush. “That was really insensitive. I was pissed and I… With the column and the classes and all this…stuff…” He gestured toward a stack of sex toys on one of the shelves. His fury was receding now, though he was still reeling over what she’d done.

  “You meant my reputation is already ruined, so who could possibly care about that.”

  “I don’t think your reputation is ruined. What are you talking about? I just meant that you have a reputation for being edgy. Sexual. It wasn’t like the guy was going to set you up for a scandal.”

  She pointed at the door. “Get out.”

  Eric jumped up. “Beth, I’m sorry I said that.”

  “You’re sorry? Sorry you think I’m so used up and jaded that nobody could possibly insult me?”

  “That’s not what I said, and this isn’t my fault.” Tears welled in her eyes and her chin trembled. “God, don’t cry, Beth.” He started around the desk, but she moved away.

  “I’m sorry I said that.”

  “Just go,” she said.

  “Come on. I just want to know what happened. I was worried about you. Christ, I don’t seem to be doing a good job of explaining myself today. Let’s calm down, all right. We can—”

  “There is no we, Eric. I told you that from the start.”

  “Things have changed. I care about you.”

  “You care about me?” she bit out. “Oh, yeah? You have a lot of respect for me, too, I bet. The girl you don’t want anyone to know about.”

  “Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy the secrecy as much as I did. And let’s not pretend you had a lot of respect for me at first.”

  “Because you’re a liar,” she said.

  “You’re lying to me right now!”

  She pressed her lips together.

  “I lied to you when we hardly knew each other. But you’re lying to me right now. To my face. Beth, please…”

  “This is over,” she whispered.

  “Please don’t do this. Not now. You said you were comfortable with me. I know what you meant, because I felt it, too. That’s not comfort, it’s something more. It’s trust and—”

  “I don’t trust anyone,” she reminded him. “Especially a man who’d sneer about my reputation and my job as if it were nothing but trash.”

  “You know what?” he growled. “If that’s what you think of me, then maybe this is over.”

  “It is over!” she yelled. “It was never anything to begin with!”

  He slammed her office door when he left, pretending to himself that he was mad. That she’d pissed him off. Infuriated him. But the truth was that he was reeling inside, his brain slowly spinning so that he hardly noticed the people in the store staring wide-eyed as he left.

  Eric would have to find a new hobby.

  But it felt suspiciously as if he’d have to find a new heart, as well.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  A DAY PASSED WITHOUT any word from Kendall. More importantly, a day passed without word from her father. Beth couldn’t relax, though. She couldn’t ever relax, because Kendall could call her father at any moment. He could do it today, tomorrow, a year from now. She wouldn’t know until it happened.

  One day, she’d be walking through her life, happy and unaware, and her phone would ring, and it would be her father telling her he couldn’t love her anymore.

  The scenario would hang over her like an ax. And Roland Kendall had a long memory.

  After work she took a long walk along City Creek, trying to let her mind work. Hoping it would figure something out.

  If her dad found out, Beth could just leave. It had worked the first time. She could move anywhere. Get a job in a store that sold nothing but innocent goods. Date men who had no idea she was supposed to be a sexual savant. Send Christmas and birthday cards to her parents and hope that they’d speak to her again someday.

  For a moment, the idea fell over her in a wave of relief. She could leave. Start over again. As if she was an eighteen-year-old girl with her whole life ahead of her. An eighteen-year-old girl with no self-esteem who had to run away from everything that hurt her.

  She couldn’t believe it had happened again. Her sexual desire used like a whip against her. In that moment, Beth hated everyone. Kendall, Monica, E
ric. Her mother and father. Christopher. Cairo, with her happy smiles and confidence. And Beth even hated herself. Especially herself.

  But beneath the hate, she was hollow again, and maybe, in the end, that was the safest way to be.

  Beth sighed as she watched kids wade into the shallow, icy water of the creek. It didn’t matter what time of year it was, there was always someone challenging themselves to dare that water. She’d done it herself just last spring. Like so many things in life, that first step was an awful, painful shock. It seemed unbearable. But eventually the cold became an ache. And finally, if you stuck it out, you adjusted, you got a little numb, and it was fine.

  That was what she should have done. She should have been brave. Instead, she’d panicked and now she had to live with the lie she’d told to protect herself.

  “To protect my dad,” she murmured, not believing it in the least.

  The truth was that she’d buckled to Roland Kendall out of fear, and like any decision made out of fear, it had been a terrible idea.

  In that moment of panic, she’d decided that Kendall’s threat had been a sign. She’d been unhappy for months, Annabelle was thinking of selling the shop, and she and her father were finally getting to know each other again.

  But it had been wrong. So wrong for so many reasons. Dishonest and cowardly and hurtful to Eric, not to mention illegal. Now, in the light of a new day, she couldn’t believe she’d let Kendall have that power over her. She had to take it back.

  She would have to be honest with her father. Maybe in the end, it would be a good thing. Maybe she’d be happier being honest. Or maybe he’d never speak to her again.

  As she walked to her car, Beth tried not to think of that look on his face when the principal had handed her dad the photographs he’d confiscated. Beth had clutched her stomach and breathed carefully through her mouth, trying not to be sick on the principal’s floor. Her mother had frowned in confusion when she’d looked at the photos. But her father… Her father’s face had fallen into terrible, devastating grief. As if the photos had captured the pale corpse of a beloved daughter, instead of a simple moment of stupid teenage lust. And when he’d turned to Beth, he’d looked at her with hate, as if she’d been the one to kill his sweet little daughter.

  He’d eventually forgiven her, or at least they’d reconciled. But this time, the truth might very well be too much for him.

  It was a ninety-minute drive to Hillstone, and her knuckles were white the whole way. She couldn’t feel her fingers, she didn’t care.

  She didn’t have to call ahead to see if her parents were home. They were always home. Her father had retired as vice president of the local bank years ago. Her mother had long ago devoted most of the hours of her day to her garden and to knitting. They were the perfect retired couple, happy and snug in the house they’d owned for forty years. It was a warm, comforting bubble, and Beth was about to walk up and burst it.

  Just as she came over a hill and spotted the first buildings of town, Beth’s phone rang. When she saw Eric’s name on the screen, she hit Decline and drove on. She didn’t want to talk to him. He knew nothing about her family or her real life. He thought she was nothing more than a walking, talking sexual adventure. The irony of it was like a dull knife to her heart. She’d been real with him. For once, she’d been a real person in bed. Too real, apparently, since it was all he could see about her.

  Beth pulled into her parents’ driveway just as the last glimmers of twilight faded beyond the trees. She’d only just started to enjoy coming home again, but that was about to change. Another bad memory to add to the pile. The worst part was that there were so many good memories buried underneath. She wished she could get to them without having to wade through the others.

  Though she dragged her feet, her parents’ sidewalk was only ten feet long. She was at their door within seconds. It felt odd to knock like a stranger, then wait for the sound of her father’s footsteps.

  He opened the door, and his face broke into such a happy grin that Beth wanted to weep. “Hi, Daddy.”

  “Beth! What are you doing here? Linda, Beth is here!” He pulled her into a hug, and the familiar scent of his clothing made her put her arms around and squeeze as tight as she could. This could be her last chance to feel his strong arms around her. This could be the last time he’d want to touch her. Eighteen years ago, he hadn’t looked at her for months.

  Her mom came bustling over to hug Beth, as well. “What are you doing here, sweetheart?”

  “Oh, I just wanted to see you,” she said, a lie so transparent that even her parents looked uncomfortable.

  “Well, come in,” her mom said. “We just had ice cream. Would you like a bowl?”

  She followed her mom to the kitchen, but shook her head. “No, thank you.”

  “Coffee, then.” She was reaching for the Sanka before Beth answered. “Are you staying over? I’ll go put clean sheets on your bed.”

  “No, I’m not staying, Mom.”

  She sat down at the table, and her dad sat next to her, immediately taking her hand. “Is everything okay?”

  Beth met her mom’s wide eyes and looked away. “I need to tell you something.”

  For a moment, her dad looked a little excited. Maybe he thought she was going to marry Eric. Or maybe he thought she had to marry Eric, which wouldn’t be the correct order of things, but would still result in Beth being a happily married mother, after all.

  “I did something really stupid just because I’m afraid of telling you the truth. Like a scared little girl. It’s not even a bad thing, really.”

  “What is it?” her father asked.

  Her heart pounded. “I don’t actually work at a bra store. I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, but I didn’t quite know how to say it. I manage a place called the White Orchid.”

  “I don’t understand.” He looked toward his wife, but she was staring intently at the cups as she ladled instant coffee into them. “What do you mean?”

  “It’s a store in Boulder that sells women’s clothing and lingerie, but it also sells…marital aids.”

  She watched her father’s mouth form the words. He started to shake his head, but then the confusion in his eyes cleared to understanding.

  “It’s a nice place,” she said quickly. “Ninety percent of our customers are women. It’s bright and pretty inside, and—”

  He let go of her hand and his spine straightened until he seemed to loom over her. “You’re telling me you work at a place that sells pornographic items?”

  “It’s not…it’s not like one of those old places in the city where creepy men hang around, Dad. It’s a place where women can feel safe when they—”

  He stood up and walked away. “This is outrageous,” he said, his voice rising. Her mom stayed with her back to the kitchen, spoon still clutched in her hand. “Did you know about this?” he shouted at his wife.

  She didn’t answer.

  “How long has this been going on?”

  “Dad—”

  “How many years have you both been lying to me?”

  “Dad, listen. I’m sorry. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d be upset. But it was wrong to—”

  “Upset?” he shouted. “Upset? I’m ashamed. And horrified.”

  “Dad—” she tried again, but he wasn’t interested in a conversation.

  “No wonder you don’t have a husband. What kind of man would want to marry a woman like you?”

  And just like that, she was seventeen again, only this time, she knew how it would turn out. Her dad, a man who rarely raised his voice to anyone, would yell vile things at her. He’d be cruel and cold. And then he’d stop speaking to her entirely.

  “Thomas,” her mother said, her voice cracking hard in the quiet room.

  “I should’ve known,” he muttered. “After what you did—”

  “Thomas!”

  He stopped his pacing and looked at his wife.

  “Stop that. Her generation isn
’t like ours. I’ll bet Beth has plenty of nice young men to date, don’t you? Like that Eric, for example.”

  “Mom, I…I do, but that’s not the point. I have friends, and I’m happy, and I’m good at what I do. I’m not hurting anyone. I’m part of the community.”

  “That whole town is full of hippies,” he snapped.

  “So what if it is?” Beth demanded. “This town is full of supposedly good people, and they were cruel to me, Dad. They were mean and nasty.”

  “You made your bed,” he said.

  “Oh, you made that perfectly clear. Really, you couldn’t have made it any clearer. I deserved whatever people threw at me because I was a whore!”

  “I never called you that,” he said.

  Beth could hear the truth in his words. He knew he hadn’t called her that, because he’d thought it over and over again but had never let himself say it aloud. But he’d wanted to. And harlot and slut had been close enough that Beth hadn’t been able to feel the difference.

  “I’m a good person,” Beth said past her tight throat.

  “A good person? I raised you to go to church and be modest and save yourself for marriage. And you can look at me like I’m a monster, Beth, but I’ve loved you for years knowing that you don’t go to church and you certainly failed at modesty. But I thought you’d at least learned from your mistakes.”

  “I did learn,” she said, pushing to her feet to face him. “I learned that people are cruel. And that boys can do whatever they want because no one expects them to behave any better than animals. And that my body is made for sex, but I’m supposed to pretend to hate it so a nice man will love me. And you know what else I learned, Dad?”

  “Beth,” her mother whispered, but Beth ignored her.

  “I learned that even my own father will call me names and spit on my heart and leave me broken if I’m not the little girl he wants me to be. I learned that unconditional love comes with lots of conditions. And I learned I couldn’t trust anyone with my heart, not even the man who was supposed to always, always protect it. That’s why I’ve never gotten married, Dad, if you want to know the truth. That’s why I’ve never even been in love. Because instead of taking care of me when I was hurt, you made me wish I was dead.”