You'll Never Nanny in This Town Again: The True Adventures of a Hollywood Nanny

by Suzanne Hansen

  “I don’t think they have any gold in that tub at all.” Mom laughed as I stood there dripping. Then she started to tell me about visiting Tammy at Sally’s, commenting about how she had such a wonderful job—“Almost better than yours.” She smiled. “And she’s so appreciative that you got her that job interview.”

  Mom got to hold Sally’s baby and take pictures of all of them together. To top it off, Sally had made lunch for them. Mom was on cloud nine. She said that Tammy had wanted to go to Knott’s Berry Farm with them, but she was packing to go on another trip, this time to New York.

  “Sally and Tammy get along so well. Tammy seems to just love her job,” Mom gushed. “And why not, with such a gorgeous little baby and such a beautiful home?”

  That did it! I was already mad that I had never been to Knott’s Berry Farm, or to most tourist spots in LA for that matter. But here was Mom, telling me about how much fun she’d had at Sally’s without me; how she had wished Tammy could have come with them to the amusement park. What about me?

  I couldn’t help myself. I started yelling at Mom and Ryan, accusing them of trying to make me feel bad and leaving me stuck behind these black gates with no way of getting anywhere.

  “To top it off,” I said quietly so that the girls wouldn’t hear, “I don’t even like being a nanny anymore, but neither of you know me well enough to even notice.”

  Mom was appalled by my outburst at first, but when I dissolved into tears, she realized how serious I was. She said that if I wasn’t happy then maybe I should just quit and come back home. She was so calm, even after I had yelled at her, that it made me calm down, too, and I started to think reasonably about the whole situation. It wasn’t Danny and Rhea who were making me miserable; it was my own desire to do something that was closer to my dreams.

  Okay. It’s clear now that I have to quit the whole nanny stint and start making plans for my future. And I’m not even all that angry that Ryan hasn’t noticed how miserable I am. It’s obvious that he’ll never really know what’s going on with me. And it is my responsibility to find someone who’ll share my dreams. I think I finally get it now. Now I see why the subtitle of Women Who Love Too Much is When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change. Hello? That is what I have been doing. Trying to make him something he is not. What is it my mother always says? You can’t make silk out of a pig’s ear. Or is it his tail? Anyway, I know this is what I need to do, even though he might always be my “hard habit to break.” Oh, great, now I’m quotings songs from Journey. Or was it Air Supply? Chicago? I don’t know.

  Note to self: Must get out and hear some local bands!

  Simply by deciding to leave I felt a jolt of excitement about what lay ahead for me. College? Probably. I had been doing a little research about a college in Oregon with a well-respected nursing program. Since the time I was small, I had a fascination with the medical field, even if it was just to diagnose my own self-concocted potentially life-threatening medical conditions. I thought I would make a good nurse. But how was I going to tell this to Danny and Rhea? This was my chance to practice the assertiveness I knew I’d need in my life as a grown-up.

  The opportunity presented itself sooner than I expected. A few mornings later, Rhea asked me to accompany her and the kids to the park. When we got there, we took a stroll on the manicured green grass as the kids played close by on the jungle gym. Rhea turned to me, saying, “We’re so happy with you, and I know Max loves you.” Just a few short months ago, I would have given anything for that kind of appreciation, but now it made me instantly uncomfortable. I knew that if I didn’t have the nerve to tell her then, I would get in deeper, and it would be even harder to break my commitment.

  I took a deep breath, and everything I’d been thinking came pouring out in one long speech. I explained that they were the best employers I’d ever had. I said that if I’d worked for them first I’d probably be there forever, but I had come to them already burned out. A twenty-four-hour-a-day job didn’t give me time to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, but I thought I wanted to go to nursing school. So I wanted to leave California. But I promised her that I would absolutely stay until they found someone else, and I offered to contact the nanny school to see if there was anyone there to fill the spot.

  Rhea said she was so disappointed, but she understood my need to move on and encouraged me to follow my heart.

  In the days and weeks that followed, Rhea and Danny still treated me well, although they seemed a little more businesslike. I understood. It was as if they had already started to cut me out of their hearts, just as I had learned to do with the Ovitz children. I kept calling the nanny school, but for two weeks I got no response. It seemed like the pool of nannies had dried up just when I needed a replacement. Finally, after biting my nails to the quick, I heard back from the school about a possible candidate. I told Rhea that there was someone who might work out for her and Danny. She called right away to get a reference, talking to my instructor-friend Mary.

  After that, she came back to me and said that Mary had recommended the new girl but had cautioned, “This girl is no Suzy.” She smiled and patted me on the shoulder, as if she was truly going to miss me.

  That’s when I realized that I had actually made an impact on someone besides Max. And even though Danny had listened patiently to Michael, he had never treated me any differently after hearing that I had left the most powerful man in town “high and dry.” Even now that I was leaving them, the subject was never brought up. The biggest compliment they gave me was when Danny said to me one day, in a contemplative moment, “I guess ole Michael was wrong after all.” I said, “Thanks,” and smiled. I have never forgotten those words.

  When the new girl came for her interview, Rhea asked if I would help evaluate her. We sat down in the sunny breakfast area, where not long ago I had eaten all of Rhea’s special cookies. I wracked my brain for the right questions to ask, ones that would bring the girl out of her shell and force her to reveal everything.

  I chided myself for not writing something down, but I saw that Rhea was doing the interview off-the-cuff as well. We talked to her a little about her background and history, which seemed solid enough. She didn’t have a ton of experience being a nanny, but she had gone through the program without any problems. I wanted to warn her about getting too attached to the children you cared for, the one topic they had not covered in nanny school, but I couldn’t say anything with Rhea next to me. During one of Rhea’s questions, the girl said she didn’t think she could make a blanket statement that she “loved children” because she had to meet the child first to know.

  Later, when Rhea asked me how I thought the interview went, I said I wasn’t sure. I figured that someone who wanted to be a full-time caregiver of kids of all ages should be able to say she loved children. “It just sounds odd, coming from someone looking to be a nanny,” I said.

  Rhea told me to go ahead and keep looking. I had contacted the local placement agencies also, but none of them had any promising applicants, either. I wished that I hadn’t already gotten Tammy a job. But of course she wouldn’t leave Sally. Finally Rhea said that she was going to hire the girl we had interviewed since there didn’t seem to be anyone else.

  I was frustrated by my inability to find a great replacement and sad that I couldn’t convince Cindy to move back to Oregon, too. She also had had just about enough of LA life, but she was a stickler for the rules and wasn’t willing to break the lease on her apartment or leave her roommates high and dry. Ryan’s dad, bless his heart, had spent a lot of time on the phone, trying to convince his directionless son to join the armed services. Fortunately, he had been successful. Go Navy! It looked like we were headed home together (but not together).

  So many life changes. It wasn’t until I started packing that it finally hit me: I was really, really never going to work in this town again!

  Now, when I look back on some of the things that I didn’t do, it is so insignificant compared to having them.
Kids change your life in every possible way. They completely turn it upside down. And I am really thankful for that.

  —Annette Bening

  chapter 23

  back to the future

  I was so glad to be home and thankful that Ryan drove twelve out of the fourteen hours. During my short time behind the wheel, however, I managed to receive a speeding ticket, somewhere between Weed and Yreka. It must have been California’s way of saying good-bye and please come back soon.

  Little did I know how quickly I’d be back. I had barely unpacked when a distraught Rhea called.

  “I need to let this girl go,” she said. “Is there any chance you could come back, just for a little while?” She said her gut told her something just wasn’t right with the new nanny. Max was crying a lot and didn’t seem nearly as happy as he had been with me.

  Rhea had never sounded so sad, and I agreed immediately. I kicked myself for not finding a better replacement. She said she’d send me a plane ticket right away (thank God I didn’t have to drive!).

  I called Mandie, who was back home in Montana after sticking it out at the Goldbergs’ for two whole years. Turned out that her replacement hadn’t lasted long, either, and she would also be heading back to LA to pinch-hit. Would we ever move on with our lives?

  When I landed at LAX, I dialed the Ovitzes’ immediately. Almost before I could speak, Delma suggested sneaking out to the park to meet.

  It had been more than a year since I’d laid eyes on Brandon, and when I saw him on the playground, I couldn’t believe how much he had grown. He was almost a toddler. No longer a baby, as he had always remained in my mind. He immediately threw his arms around me, and we hugged for a long time. My throat started to form a familiar lump. I was overjoyed to see him, but I knew that this would probably be the last time. Now he could talk. Soon he’d be able to tell his parents.

  The two of us plopped onto a swing, and Delma took our picture. I had no idea that someday I would blow up and frame that one snapshot, giving it a place of honor on my dresser for many years. The camera caught so much. Brandon stared ahead with wide-eyed innocence and an enormous smile, showing off those wonderful chubby cheeks. I looked a little like someone whose beloved pet had just died.

  Reluctantly I let him jump down and play. Delma and I perched together on the edge of the sandbox, just two of many nannies at the park that day, clucking over the kids.

  “I still miss Brandon so much,” I said, watching him toddle in the sand. “It’s like I’ve lost a part of me.”

  “I know you do.” Delma patted me on the arm. “He misses you, too.”

  “Does he even remember me, though?” I asked.

  “Take my word for it, you’re one of the best things to ever happen to him,” she assured me kindly. “He is such a sweet little boy now. I think he’ll always remember you in some special way.” She always knew just what to say.

  “Thank you for saying that.” I smiled at my friend.

  I could’ve stayed at that park forever, but I did have work to do.

  This time I’d be watching Max and both the girls. More work, but it seemed easier in some ways. This time I was in a different emotional space; I knew the gig was temporary, and I had applied to a nursing program that I was looking forward to starting. Max warmed up to me quickly, and this time I let myself enjoy him. Helping fly the kids to Danny’s movie set in Sante Fe sounded like a fantastic way to cap off my nanny career. Rhea was not so enthusiastic.

  “With your help, we’ll make the best of it,” Rhea said. “Audrey’s ears always bother her on planes, so it’s no fun for her to fly. I have a feeling she’ll have a hard time.”

  This turned out to be an understatement. Audrey wailed for nearly the entire five-hour flight, triggering stares and huffs from the other first-class passengers. Just like on my flight to Hawaii. It was as if wealthy travelers thought screaming children only sat in coach. Max sat quietly on my lap, but he was a baby, and, of course, he kept trying to crawl onto the lap of the perfectly groomed—and fairly pissed-off—stranger sitting next to us.

  To top it off, some passengers recognized Rhea and sent their kids to get autographs: “Daddy told me to tell you he watches your show all the time,” they’d say, napkin and pencil in hand. After a while, first class started to look like a kindergarten class.

  Worn out by the time the plane landed, we stepped out into the sauna that was Sante Fe. Hot was simply not a strong enough word for the weather. We slogged our way to the hotel. I couldn’t figure out why on earth the producers had chosen to film Danny’s movie—Twins, costarring Arnold Schwarzenegger—in a boiling-hot town outside of Sante Fe, when the script didn’t even mention New Mexico.

  We trekked out to the set to meet Danny for lunch. I briefly got to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger and Kelly Preston, but the actors were on a tight leash. The director’s yell carried over everything. “Let’s move it, people. We need to get this shot before the sun sets! We are behind schedule. I do not want to pay these extras for another day because we couldn’t get it done!” The cast and crew bustled around, corralling the actors and props for each scene.

  I don’t think they banked on the interfering townspeople, however. The excited residents weren’t accustomed to seeing celebrities and quickly mobbed the streets, and apparently the studio hadn’t hired enough security to handle the crush of people. The local police were supposed to provide protection, but they seemed to be doing a lot of gawking themselves. On top of that, the crowd became much more unruly than expected, to the point where the director had to cut certain scenes because there wasn’t enough room to move on the streets. I’d heard that two bodyguards would safely escort us to lunch, and I was beginning to think they might be necessary.

  Soon Danny made his way over and directed us to start walking briskly toward the restaurant. But suddenly I felt like I was in the mosh pit at a rock concert, surrounded by crazed lunging fans. I tried to keep going, to push Max’s little stroller forward, but I couldn’t even move it because of the swarm of people. “Is that Danny DeVito’s baby?” teenagers asked, trying to touch him.

  Finally some security guys came by to help, but in all the commotion Audrey lost Rhea’s hand. The poor six-year-old started crying out, and suddenly a huge ocean of fans swept between her and the rest of us. I was closest, and Rhea took Max, yelling, “Grab her!” Heart thumping, I pushed through the crowd, ignoring the yells and stares and not making eye contact. It was a weird feeling, to be so close to all those people but so apart from them. I scooped up Audrey frantically.

  The private room at the restaurant felt like an oasis. We ate our food in a secluded area, with a guard monitoring the door. I’d never been so thankful to be away from the swarming public. Who was I kidding—usually I was the public! But inside this fishbowl of fame, everything seemed skewed and a little surreal.

  For the next five days, we tried to avoid the blistering heat and the hounding autograph seekers. Rhea, the kids, and I mostly stuck to the pool and anywhere with air-conditioning, but Danny had to work in the stifling heat for hours. I never realized how long it took to get the shots right. The actors and actresses had to take and retake the same scenes over and over while the people in charge buzzed over things like which of the eighteen different colors of ties an actor should wear (when the tie would be hidden by an overcoat). The shooting of one particular scene lasted an entire day, and that scene was literally in the final cut for six seconds.

  I guess that’s why movie stars get paid so much. Maybe sitting in the spotlight—or the sun—takes more out of a person than you’d expect.

  A few days later, as I sat on the plane headed back to Oregon and to my new life in nursing school, I scribbled in my journal.

  I am truly, finally done. I love the DeVitos, and I hope I stay in contact with them, but going back has made me realize I made the right decision. The past couple of years have given me a lot of valuable experience. But sometimes I think if I had to do it all over agai
n, I am not sure I would have. The pain of leaving the kids was so much greater than I ever imagined. I just didn’t put enough thought into the good-byes.

  I am more than ready to start college and just be a student again.

  I have really been thinking that moving on from Ryan was the best step in the growing up department. I think it has been hard for me to let go of my memories with him. But he is a chapter in my life that I am finally closing.

  So maybe without these experiences it would have taken me longer to see the relationship for what it was … an intense feeling of “first love.” So I am grateful this helped me come to a much needed—no you really can’t change anyone but yourself—obvious realization.

  Reminder to self: Stop being so grouchy when Mom’s friends ask me all the annoying questions about what life is like in Hollywood, and try to remember that I had a window into a life that most people only see in the movies.

  I was bone-tired and thrilled to be back in my own comfortable bed. A letter from Mandie, covered with foreign postage stamps, was waiting for me, and I curled up to get the latest.

  Dear Suzy,

  Well, the European vacation is amazing in some ways. The whole family and I went on this really big boat, some superyacht or something, and I was so sick I thought I was going to lose my noodles over the side. The water was so rough that I could barely even walk along the deck without weaving all over the place and stumbling into things. People must have thought I was drunk. But maybe they didn’t notice, because it seemed like a lot of other people were seasick, too. Or maybe they were drunk!

  Anyway, I’m out on the deck and this big swell comes up, and suddenly I go crashing into this guy standing by the railing. Luckily I didn’t barf on him. He helps me steady myself, and then he kind of squints at me and asks me if I’m all right. I felt like a total loser! But that was nothing. I start to say, “Thank you very much,” but before I can get the words out, I whip around and start dry heaving off the side of the deck. Then I’m like OH MY GOD, because he says, “Ma’am, can I get you anything?” and he looks at me again, all squinty and stuff, and I realize it’s Clint frickin’ Eastwood!!!