Unflappable

by Suzie Gilbert

  Ned frowned. “Ned needs coffee in the morning,” said Luna. “I know that about him.”

  “Aren’t you glad you stayed over?” Carlene asked. “You got a nice clean car again, and now you get to eat raspberry Danishes and hear Mars’s story. I mean, unless you’ve already heard it.”

  “Nnnn,” said Ned. He poured himself a cup, and settled into a chair.

  “By the time DNR confiscated him, he was almost three years old,” said Luna. “He was sick, all his feathers were broken, and he hated people. Everyone. I thought they were going to make us put him to sleep, but the DNR guy gave us a chance.

  “The first time I handled him, Celia made me wear hockey pads and a helmet with a face shield. I named him Mars, after the Roman god of war. You know, in Greek literature the god of war is a jerk. But to the Romans, he was strong and wise and and only used his power when it was needed. Mars came around — well, sort of — and I wanted so much to release him, but we couldn’t.”

  “You can see how releasing a homicidal eagle could be a problem,” Derek said to Ned.

  “Since he was imprinted we didn’t think he’d ever accept another eagle, but then he bonded with Banshee and every year they raised orphaned eaglets together.”

  Luna sighed. “He came at me a couple of times in the beginning. He was pretty scary. All I did was fend him off. I had to prove to him that no matter what he did, I would never hurt him.” She turned toward Ned. “Now do you understand?” she said. “It’s not his fault.”

  “Those two eagles were as content as they could be, and now they’ve been split up!” growled Carlene. “It’s like Romeo and Juliet, only Romeo’s been kidnapped to Florida by some rich dickweed instead of getting dragged into the middle of a family feud.”

  “But this story’s gonna have a happy ending,” said Derek.

  “Thing is,” said Carlene, “there’s a kink in the plan. I was so dang sure that giant crate of yours would fit in my car, but Derek measured it this morning and it just won’t fit. And it’s not even close to fitting in Derek’s, which means I can’t take you to Esther’s, goddammit. So I called Peter, who does small mammals in Shady Grove, and he’ll be here at 11 o’clock to pick you up. Okay? You’ve been such a peach, Ned, you get on back down to the Keys and Peter will take over from here.”

  The phone on the counter beeped insistently. “Uh-oh,” said Carlene. “That sounds like a red alert.” She picked it up, regarded it, held it to her ear and said, “Phyllis?”

  Carlene listened, growing visibly perturbed. “Check,” she said. “Thanks. Gotta go.” She turned to Luna. “Darlin’,” she said. “This ain’t good news. There’s an official Missing Person Report on Adam Matheson’s wife, they’re saying you might be connected with the missing eagle and traveling in an old Cadillac. Phyllis’s son is a cop, and he’s on his way over. They got three license plate numbers, I don’t know if one of ‘em is yours.”

  “Damn it!” said Derek.

  “Wait a minute,” said Ned. “Do they have a warrant? Because they can’t come into your house without one.”

  “Honey, you gotta understand about being a rehabber, especially one who works outta the house,” said Carlene. “You want the police to stick up for you, not make your life hell on earth. So if they knock on your door you’re gonna say ‘come on in,’ no matter who you may be hiding in your flight cage.”

  “When they get here, Carlene and I will go out the front and stall ‘em,” said Derek. “Luna, go get your bird. Get him on your glove and head into the woods. There’s a thousand acres of state park back there, you keep on going until you can’t see the house. Ned, if one of ‘em comes in here you’ll have to distract him, and everybody start praying they don’t look in the garage and find that Cadillac.”

  “You see why I love this man?” said Carlene with an admiring smile. “When the chips are down, he knows just what to do.” She reached into her pocket and tossed Ned a rubber band. “Here, darlin’,” she said. “You’re gonna need some credibility.”

  “They just pulled into the driveway,” said Derek.

  Ned stood in the empty kitchen, harnessing his hair into a ponytail and wearing a look of dismay. He smoothed his clothing, and looked up just as a uniformed police officer entered the room.

  “Good morning, sir,” said the officer.

  “Good morning,” Ned replied.

  The officer shook his hand, turned, and looked out the picture window. “Sure is beautiful here,” he said. “I hate barging in on Derek and Carlene like this, it’s just something we have to do.”

  He turned his back to the window and continued. “We’re looking for a woman named Luna Burke. She’s the wife of Adam Matheson, and he’s afraid she may have come to harm. Also, she might know something about the disappearance of a Bald Eagle.”

  A slight motion caught Ned’s eye, and he glanced over the officer’s shoulder. Through the window he could see Luna emerge from a flight cage with Mars, who seemed to be having a fit. He lurched from foot to foot on Luna’s glove, pulled at the leather jesses attached to his legs, and slapped his massive wings against her head; Ned was sure he was about to seize her by the back of the neck and carry her into the sky. The officer saw his gaze and began to turn around.

  “Doesn’t Adam Matheson live in Key West?” Ned asked suddenly. “I’’m heading that way now! What does she look like?”

  The officer turned back. “She’s five foot seven, slender, curly auburn hair. The bird’s the size of a hang glider.”

  Ned tried to appear as if he were about to divulge key information, but once again the officer began to turn toward the window.

  “Eyes!” cried Ned. “Does she have eyes?”

  The officer regarded him suspiciously.

  “I mean, what color are her eyes?”

  “They’re blue. Have you seen her?”

  “Uh …” said Ned, as Luna and the eagle disappeared into the forest. “Sorry, I haven’t, but I’ll make sure to watch out for her.”

  • • •

  Earl Baedeker pushed a lock of black hair out of his eyes and squinted at the alternator of a red 1963 Corvette Sting Ray. Pulling a rag from his pocket he gave it a swipe, then straightened up and announced, “This is going to cost PJ a lot more’n he counted on.”

  Julie Marie lounged in a recliner in a corner of the garage, her voluptuous body encased in a tank top and shorts, cracking gum and reading Us magazine. When the landline rang from the top of a dusty table, she extended one leg and lifted the receiver with her toes. “Baedeker Auto,” she said, then squealed, “Nedeeeeee!”

  “Put him on speakerphone!” said Earl.

  “Yo, Oil,” came Ned’s voice.

  “Inter-nedt,” called Earl. “When was the last time I heard from you, man? Where the hell have you been?”

  “Busy,” said Ned. “Lot of work. Listen, I’m in a rush and I need a big favor. I need you to meet me about 20 miles outside Marietta in my Chevy. I’ll switch cars with you and give you the Cadillac to drive home. And this is really important — you need to bring a set of temporary plates to put on the Caddy.”

  “Is this another Treasure Hunt?”

  “Yeah, it’s a Treasure Hunt.”

  “Do you have a crew with you?”

  “Mmm, just one person.”

  “A female person?” yowled Julie Marie. “Is it a girl? Is she your girlfriend?”

  “No, just a friend.”

  “What does she looked like?”

  “She’s…uh…regular.”

  Julie Marie curled her hands into paws, stuck her tongue out, and panted. “Arf! Arf!” she stage-whispered. Earl gave her a look of irritation, and leaned against the Sting Ray.

  “Ahhhh, Net…I’m kinda backed up here and Marietta is like, three hours away.”

  “Buddy, World War Dead Zone 3 is coming out in five weeks and four days.”

  “Like I don’t know that.”

  “Do this for me, and instead of standing in a
parking lot at midnight behind 400 other gamers, you’ll have yours delivered to your doorstep the day before.”

  “Done!” cried Earl. “Let me finish up here and I’ll call you back for directions!”

  “Bye, Nedeeee!” caroled Julie Marie. “Can’t wait to meet your girlfriend!”

  She hung up the phone and threw her magazine on the floor. “Ned’s so cute but he’s such a dork,” she said. “Remember that one he had with the braids and the braces?”

  • • •

  Ned stood in the kitchen with Derek and Carlene, all of them expressing great relief. Luna appeared, her face drained of color. “How far is it to the Georgia border?” she asked.

  “Less than an hour,” said Derek. “But don’t worry. The cops are gone, and Peter’s on his way.”

  “Peter won’t be here for two hours,” said Luna. “The police might come back. I have to go.”

  “How?” said Ned. “You mean in my car?”

  “Can we?”

  “But that doesn’t make any sense — they’re looking for my car!”

  Luna glanced at the floor. After a moment she looked up, a hunted look in her eyes. Carlene gave a maternal scowl and pulled out her phone.

  “Don’t you worry, honey,” she snapped. “I’m calling my sister and telling her to rent me a van. It’ll take a half hour tops.”

  Ned opened his mouth to speak. “Well, good luck,” was what he meant to say. “Can I borrow a set of plates?” was what came out.

  Minutes later he knelt by the Cadillac’s grill, switching the front plate while Derek did the same with the back. He wasn’t sure which was more disturbing: his continued willingness to flout the law, or the fact that he’d rather face another serious violation than cover his car with more mud. Luna and Carlene appeared, and settled the covered crate onto the back seat.

  “Just mail the plates back to me,” said Derek, sliding Ned’s plates under one of the floor mats. “Forty-five minutes you’ll be out of Florida and into a less conspicuous car. You have your GPS? Don’t take the highway, take 137. Fewer cops.”

  Carlene enveloped Luna in a hug. “We’re all behind you, darlin’. You just tell us how we can help. All right?”

  “You already have,” said Luna. “Thank you both.”

  “Ned,” said Carlene, wrapping her arms around him, then holding him at arm’s length. “You are one fine man.”

  Ned flushed, nodded, and pulled out of the driveway. He followed the GPS’s directions while Luna sat with her knees to her chest, fingers entwined in her hair, staring stonily out the window. Ned had always found body language confusing, but this one seemed fairly simple. How to bring up the cause of it, however, was still beyond him. Twenty minutes later, Luna spoke up.

  “You know something?” she asked, staring at him with open antagonism. “It’s not like I can pay you back for any of this.”

  Astonishment loosened his conversational block. “Pay me back!” he said. “You can pay me back by making sure the next stop is my last! And if you can keep me from getting arrested, that would be a bonus!”

  Luna bit her lip. Mars stood placidly on his perch, the opposite of his angry, combative self that morning. She touched the small metal bars on the side of his crate.

  “I’m sorry, Ned,” she said, speaking with difficulty. “I saw what you did…you know, in the kitchen, distracting that cop. And the license plates and…and now getting us to Esther’s…”

  “Well,” he said, mollified. “It’s okay. I just don’t get why… what was the reason… what you…”

  “I… it’s that sometimes… it’s just… when things…”

  Luna’s phone pinged, and they both sighed with relief. “It’s from Harper,” said Luna, and read it aloud.

  689-333-2150 That local online gossip rag just said you went off your meds and stole a bald eagle

  Luna looked puzzled. “But I’m not on any meds.”

  “You’re not?”

  Luna returned his surprised look. “Do you think I should be?”

  Ned suspected he might be sailing into treacherous waters, so he quickly came about. “I think you should join the team.”

  “What team?”

  “Any team. Join the team, and your life will be golden.”

  “Are you on a team?”

  “Obviously not.”

  “Not even at work?”

  “No. Sometimes they trick me into going into a room full of people, then they lock the door and call it a meeting. No, I work alone. It’s better.”

  “Sports?”

  “Don’t talk to me about sports.”

  “Why not?”

  Ned wondered why he had brought this up. He glanced at Luna, and found her wearing an expression of both interest and encouragement. He had never seen the point of discussing his family history, but for some reason he continued.

  “Everyone else in my family is a jock. They’re loud and in your face and all they do is shout at each other about who won the game what a bonehead the ref was. That’s, you know, when they’re not mocking the family geek. I used to think one day they’d appreciate that I was smarter than all of them put together, but…no. My mother would put down her tennis racket for five seconds and say, “That’s nice, honey,” and my father would say, “Good work, Neddo, but what about the team? Next semester are you gonna make the team?”

  Luna’s encouraging expression faded, and Ned instantly regretted his admission. He glanced at her again, expecting the worst. “I would have been really proud of you,” she said, her azure eyes filled with such sympathy that he held her gaze, suddenly wanting to admit more. The sound of a car horn forced his eyes back to the road.

  “Whoa!” said Luna. “Sorry. But you want to hear something? Once I tried out for the softball team, and the ball hit me in the face and knocked me cold.”

  Ned returned her smile. “Look,” he said. “We’re over the Georgia border.”

  County route 46 meandered for miles, and eventually led to the Dennings County Shopping Mall. Ned drove to the back of the movie theater, found a relatively deserted, shady area, and parked. He and Luna slid out and stretched. She lifted the sheet. “You’ll be out of there soon,” she told the eagle.

  “Earl should be here any minute,” said Ned. “He’s never late. Oh look, there he is.”

  Luna turned her head and gasped. “That’s your idea of a less conspicuous car?” she cried.

  The enormous, bright red 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible cruised regally through the parking lot, a swan among sparrows, a unicorn among burros. Hooded headlights gleamed above its enormous grill, sweeping tail fins flowed past pristine white wall tires, and the top was down and tucked beneath a perfect canvas cover. Impossibly, it saw the Cadillac and raised it one.

  “I like classic cars!” Ned retorted. “Had I known I had a future in wildlife smuggling, I might’ve made a different choice!”

  Luna watched it roll toward them wearing an awed expression. “Oh my God,” she hissed. “That is one gorgeous piece of machinery. What do you call those colors?”

  Ned grinned. “India Ivory and Matador Red!”

  Earl coasted to a stop. Julie Marie jumped from the passenger seat and tottered toward them, breasts bouncing, jewelry jangling, balancing precariously on her high heels. She halted at the sight of Luna, who stood beside the Cadillac in her cotton blouse, safari shorts, and flat leather sandals, a single silver bead hanging from a leather cord around her neck. Luna returned her stare with her celestial blue eyes, a sudden shaft of sunlight glinting on her cap of curly hair.

  “You’re Ned’s friend?” asked Julie Marie incredulously. “Seriously?”

  Luna’s gaze turned icy. “Maybe Ned has friends you don’t know about,” she said.

  “Hey, man!” Earl exclaimed, throwing an arm around Ned’s neck. “Long time no see!”

  “You look so familiar,” said Julie Marie, peering at Luna. “I feel like I’ve seen your picture in magazines. Are you a model?”<
br />
  “Shit, man, she’s a fuckin’ babe,” said Earl in an undertone, whacking Ned on the back. “So what’s in the box?” he asked, eyeing the inside of the Cadillac.

  “It’s a mystery,” said Ned. “We don’t know and we can’t look, because that’s part of the Treasure Hunt!”

  “What if I just lift the corner of the sheet and take a little peek?” asked Julie Marie.

  Ned threw Luna a look of alarm, and instantly Luna beckoned Julie Marie away from the car. “Why don’t we let the boys do the dirty work so I can ask you about those shoes?” said Luna. “Where did you get them?”

  “Oh!” she replied, smiling. “There’s this cute little shoe store down at the Roxbury Mall outside Asheville! I also got a pair in lilac. Dontcha love ‘em? Y’know, they’d look real good on you, too.”

  Luna glanced at Ned and Earl as they lifted the crate out of the Cadillac and settled it into the Chevy. “Is there something alive in here?” asked Earl.

  “Speaking of models, you’re the one who should be a model,” said Luna, stopping Julie Marie in mid-turn.

  “You really think so?” she asked. “I mean, people tell me that all the time, but …”

  “Absolutely,” said Luna. The roof of the Chevy settled into place, and Ned and Earl locked it down.

  “Sorry this is so rushed,” Ned told Earl, closing the back door, “but if we’re late we’ll lose the game! Don’t forget — before you leave, put on those temporary plates. Okay?”

  “Yeah, no problem!”

  “Lovely to meet you, Julie Marie. You too, Earl!” said Luna, hurrying around the Chevy and hopping into the front seat.

  “World War Dead Zone 3!” called Ned, starting the engine and easing it into reverse. “You’ll be the first!”

  “Awesome, man!”

  Luna watched them grow smaller as the Chevy pulled away. She scrutinized the interior, then leaned back in her seat. “You could have borrowed a normal car,” she said.

  “You could have not committed Grand Theft Eagle,” he answered.

  • • •

  Warren sat on a summit beneath a blue sky. He gazed down at the majestic pine forests, the meadows ablaze with wildflowers, the crystal lakes dancing with dragonflies, and was filled with blessed exhilaration. The wilderness throbbed with life unbound. Untouched by human hands, it rejoiced in its splendor. The very air was singing.