Because I Love You

by Tori Rigby

  I looked at her through teary eyes. “Please, don’t make me do this at church.” Or at all. When she’d said she’d talk to the Lamberts, I didn’t know I was going to be involved.

  “I’m sorry, honey, but part of being an adult is doing a lot of things you’re uncomfortable with. Now eat, and go get dressed.”

  Standing at the kitchen counter, Mom pressed a shaking hand to her forehead before scarfing down her breakfast—and then pressing her fingertips to her lips like she was afraid the food would come back up. I squinted at her. Was she really that nervous to talk to Carter’s mom?

  After Mom dropped her plate in the sink and left, I stared at my own plate for minutes then stormed away without touching a bite of food.

  When we entered the church a little while later, I didn’t hear too many comments. A lot of sad and judgmental stares, yes, but everyone’s conversations were in hushed whispers. Probably a good thing. I couldn’t afford to have another breakdown.

  I stayed close to Mom as we entered the sanctuary. Carter and his mother sat near the back. His dad, a coach for the Denver Broncos, must’ve had an away game this week, otherwise Evelyn would’ve dragged him along. I groaned when Mom stopped to say hello.

  “Evelyn, how are you?” Mom’s voice was chipper. Too happy. But if Carter’s mom noticed her friendliness was half-faked, she didn’t show it.

  “Fantastic. Did you hear Tom got a new contract with the 49ers?”

  Jeez, it’s like an episode of Suburgatory. I caught Carter’s eye. He looked away instantly. Crossing my arms, I turned to stare at the front row. If I didn’t look at the Lamberts, they wouldn’t see there was something wrong.

  “No! That’s so exciting,” Mom replied to Evelyn. “Wait for us after church, would you? I have to grab my seat, but I’d love to hear more about it.”

  I rolled my eyes, still turned toward the front of the sanctuary. Mom was one heck of a manipulator; I had to give her that.

  “Oh, of course,” Evelyn said. “It’ll be nice to catch up before we move to San Francisco.”

  My head snapped around. Carter’s eyebrows gathered together. Was he even going to tell me they were moving? I opened my mouth to yell at him, but Mom grabbed my hand.

  “Yes, absolutely. We’ll see you after the service.” Mom waved at Evelyn while pushing me down the aisle.

  My nails bit into my palms. Mom’s conversation with Carter’s parents was supposed to convince him to change his mind about being there for me—for his baby. No matter how hard we tried, no matter how guilty Mom made them feel, nothing was going to work. Especially if they were moving. I knew Evelyn too well. She’d pay whatever money she had to keep Carter out of legal trouble, but I’d never see him again.

  Mom tugged me down the pew and into my seat. “Andrea Marie, do not make a scene in front of everyone. Now, please, try to calm down. The service will be over in an hour, and then I’ll handle it.”

  She said “an hour” like it was nothing, but my jiggling legs were proof that it’d be the longest one of my life. Even the music didn’t have its usual calming effect. Instead, I sat with balled fists, waiting for the chance to unleash my anger on my former best friend.

  When the pastor said the last benediction and people filed out of their pews, I wasted no time running up the aisle and grabbing Carter’s arm. I pulled him down the hall and into an empty classroom.

  “You’re moving?” I yelled at him.

  “Yeah, so?”

  My mouth fell open. He’s joking, right? “So, don’t you think that’s something you might’ve wanted to tell me? Considering I’m—”

  “Ah, here you are.” Mrs. Lambert burst into the room. “Is everything all right, Andie? You worried me when you grabbed Carter and ran off like that.”

  “No, everything’s not all right.” Mom appeared out of nowhere and closed the door behind her. “Evelyn, we need to talk.” She brushed her dark hair out of her face and sat in one of the classroom’s chairs.

  Carter stepped back, glaring at me, and crossed his arms.

  Mrs. Lambert sat across from Mom and put a hand over my mother’s, her gaze full of concern. “Oh, darling, is this about Andie’s problem?”

  My jaw dropped. Excuse me?

  His mom continued, “You know we will do everything we can to make sure she’s looked after. Even from California, if you need legal advice, I will fly back as often as I can to make sure the father is pulling his share of the weight.”

  Mom raised an eyebrow. “You do know the father is your son?”

  Evelyn sat back in her chair. “I beg your pardon?”

  Mom looked at me as if she needed to double check I’d told her the truth. When I didn’t say anything, she returned her attention to Carter’s mom. “Andie said they were at a party—”

  Mrs. Lambert shot out of her chair and spun around, sticking her finger in Carter’s face. “You tell me right now. Is this true?”

  Carter dropped his arms and rolled his eyes. “No, Mom.”

  My heart fell to the floor. I gripped the back of the chair in front of me, my legs weakening.

  “Son, you look me in the eye when you answer my questions.” His mom’s voice was so stern that chills ran down my spine. “Now, tell me the truth. Did you sleep with Andrea Hamilton?”

  Carter turned his head, his posture rigid. His glower met hers, and he replied with a steady voice, “No.”

  “You liar!” I screamed. “Tell her the truth, Carter. You at least owe me that much.”

  “I am telling the truth.” Again, his stare never left his mother’s, but he slipped a shaking hand into his pocket.

  “I’ve heard enough.” Mrs. Lambert spun around to glare at my mother. “I am truly sorry for Andie’s misfortune, but I’m not going to allow her to take my son down with her. Let’s go, Carter.” She grabbed his arm and pushed him toward the door. He yanked it open. The two of them disappeared into the hall, getting swallowed up in the crowd.

  I stared after him, unblinking. Mom hugged me, and I shook in her arms. “He’s lying, Mommy. He’s lying.” Tears caught in my throat.

  Mom stroked the ends of my hair. “I know, honey. We’ll figure something out. I promise.”

  Unable to hold it in any longer, I cried.

  Sunday night’s sleep was restless, and I awoke the next morning with dark circles around my eyes. Great. I look like a freaking raccoon. Determined to prove to Carter that he meant nothing to me anymore, that all he was doing was hurting himself by denying his soon-to-be child, I applied makeup liberally and took my time styling my hair. Again, what I wouldn’t give to look like my mother. At least she constantly had color in her face.

  When I went downstairs, though, Mom wasn’t dressed for work. Instead, she was on the phone in her pajamas. I caught the tail end of the conversation.

  “Yes, thank you. We’ll be there at ten o’clock sharp. You too.” Mom hung up and jumped when she saw me standing there. “Sorry, honey, but you’re not going to school today.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Because my OB/GYN was able to squeeze you in this morning, and you’re overdue for a first appointment. Go change into something more comfortable, and we’ll grab breakfast on the way.”

  I sighed. So much for proving to Carter that he couldn’t hurt me.

  A short while later, after stopping at one of the local diners for food—and discovering that the baby didn’t like onions at all—Mom and I reached the doctor’s office at 9:30. She filled out basic paperwork on my behalf, asking me questions when she didn’t know an answer. Like what symptoms I was experiencing. I hated telling her about that kind of stuff, but then I remembered that she’d done this before. Birthing babies. So, I tried to relax.

  Until I was taken back to one of the rooms and told to strip naked and throw on a gown that felt like a see-through curtain.

  After having blood drawn and undergoing a series of awkward tests that were sure to give me nightmares for weeks, Dr. Brandt prepared for
my final test. The one I wished I could flee from like the Roadrunner.

  “All right. Let’s see if we can hear the heartbeat,” she said. “Do you want me to get your mom for this?”

  I shook my head emphatically, my palms sweating. Dr. Brandt had already explained my first ultrasound was going to be done differently. As in something being stuck up there. I did not want my mother to be here for that. Why couldn’t Dr. Brandt just throw sticky slime on my belly and be done with it?

  “Okay, that’s fine. We’ll tell her all about it afterward.” She smiled, and I ached to grab the pillow from under my head and cover my face. But then she started the test, and a very quiet, almost inaudible whoosh-whoosh came out of her machine.

  My breath caught in my throat.

  “There it is.” Dr. Brandt’s smile grew.

  Blood rushed into my cheeks. Emotion flooded me—amazement, fear, shame, sadness . . . maybe even love. I bit my tongue, hard.

  “Well, everything looks good,” she said when the exam was finished. “I do want to see you once a month, though. Your young age and small size are enough for me to want to monitor you closely. But after today, I’d say we’re heading in a good direction. I’ll let you get dressed. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to call the office, okay?”

  I nodded, and Dr. Brandt left the room. Bringing my knees up to my chin, I wrapped my arms around my legs and smiled. A small flutter of hope tickled my chest. Maybe it was a good thing I’d walked away from the clinic, after all.

  chapter eleven

  On our way home, Mom took me for ice cream, just like she had for years after every bad day of school. At some point, I’d started to think mother-daughter dates were uncool and worried about getting fat, so we quit going. But today, when I asked her to stop, it was like I’d handed her the keys to Heaven. She glowed. Mother and daughter reunited at the ice cream parlor.

  At 8:00 p.m., after hours of homework and cheesy TV shows to keep my brain preoccupied, Mom joined me in the living room and looked at me like she was afraid I’d turn into a pumpkin.

  “What?” I asked.

  Mom fidgeted with her nails. “Well, honey, I’ve been thinking. There’s nothing we can do about Carter without getting lawyers involved, and we can’t really afford to do that right now. Evelyn refuses to let Carter even take a paternity test.”

  I nodded, swallowing deeply. I’d known since the beginning that Carter would never budge. One of the hardest things I had to do was give up hope that he’d change his mind. But I had to come to terms with it. Especially after hearing the heartbeat today. With help or on my own, I didn’t care. Either way, I would keep my baby.

  Mom continued, “So, I was thinking that maybe it’d be a good idea to meet with a few couples. We could talk with someone from family services—”

  My body went cold. “Wait, what? You want me to speak with an adoption agency?”

  “Honey, you can’t do this on your own. I’ve been a single parent for the last two years; I know how hard it is.”

  I jumped up. “No! I’m keeping it, Mom. It’s my baby!”

  “Andrea—”

  “No. Don’t tell me to put it up for adoption. This is my decision to make.”

  She spoke softly, “Think about the baby. There are plenty of couples out there who can’t have children of their own and are better equipped to be parents.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “You don’t think I’m capable of being a mother?”

  “That’s not what I said. But you have to think about your future. Do you really think you can take on raising a baby while finishing high school and planning for college and a career?”

  “I don’t have to go to college. I can get a job after high school.”

  She shook her head. “Oh, Andrea . . . .”

  “No one will love my baby as much as me! I’m its mother.”

  Mom raised a hand. “Now, that’s not true. From the moment a baby is placed in your arms, it doesn’t matter if you gave birth to it or not. You still love it like it’s your own.”

  I put a hand on my hip. “How would you know? I am your own.”

  Mom sat back, paling. Her lips pressed into a tight line, and she stared at me with a look I knew too well—she was hiding something.

  My pulse raced. The room filled with suffocating tension. I sucked in a quick breath. “I am yours, right?”

  Mom’s eyes glassed over. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I was going to tell you when you were older—”

  “Oh my God!” I screamed, clenching my hands into fists. “When I was older? Are you serious? What’s wrong with you?”

  Mom stood and reached out for me, but I backed away, sweeping an arm in front of me.

  “Don’t touch me. How could you keep something like that from me? I had a right to know I’m adopted.”

  “Andie, your dad and I tried for six years, and when it didn’t happen for us—”

  “No, I don’t want to hear it.” I shook my head, my cheeks on fire. “You never should’ve kept that from me. Never.” Marching out of the room, I grabbed my cell phone out of my purse and ran for the front door.

  “Where are you going?” Mom called, chasing after me.

  “Outside. Is that okay? Or do I need to be older before I can walk around the block, too?” I stared her down, too angry to care about the tear falling from her eye.

  I knew I didn’t look like either of my parents. How had I not put the pieces together? God, I was such a fool, always telling Carter and Heather to shut up when they called me the milkman’s kid. They were right all along. I was just an orphan. Abandoned for someone else to deal with. Unwanted.

  Without waiting for a response, I yanked the front door open and then slammed it behind me. But as soon as the cool fall air hit my face, I decided I wasn’t just going around the block.

  I was getting as far away from this place as I could.

  And I walked until my feet ached. When I left, I was too upset to think about shoes, then too sad to turn around and go back. So I kept going, hands clenched and nostrils flaring, hating the parents who’d abandoned me and the parents who’d lied to me.

  I found myself in the middle of town, past Donaldson Park, in the more populated area, full of restaurants and shops. I passed the Mini Mart, and my heart panged. Days had passed since I spoke to Neil. Was he worried about me when I didn’t show up at school today?

  I yelped as a throbbing wave of pain shot up my leg. Stopping, I lifted my foot. My soles were raw and bloodied. Just great. My trek through River Springs was over.

  I limped to a bench, screaming through closed lips with every step I took. I pulled my cell phone out of my pajama pocket.

  Neil answered on the third ring. Lots of noise carried from his side, like he was at some sort of party. “Hey, can I call you later? I’m kind of in the middle of something.”

  Owen shouted in the background.

  After walking for an hour without shedding a tear, Neil’s flippant hello was all it took. I unraveled. He’d said I could call him for anything, and after he opened up and showed me a piece of his life he’d shown barely anyone else, I thought, just maybe, he’d be there for me like he said he would.

  Guess not.

  “Whoa, what’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Never mind. I’m sorry I bothered you.”

  I was about to end the call when he shouted, “No, no! Don’t hang up. I’m sorry. Talk to me. What’s going on?”

  After another sob, I squeaked out, “I ran away.”

  “Wait, what? Where are you?”

  “By the Mini Mart.” I sniffled.

  “Okay, I’m coming to get you. Stay there.”

  I nodded, as if he could hear me, then hung up. Ten minutes later, he parked his truck next to the sidewalk. Neil jumped out and ran to me.

  He brushed my hair out of my face and held my cheeks in his palms. “Are you all right?”

  I shook my head and tried to speak. I wasn’t crying anymore, and I did
n’t want to jinx it.

  “Are you hurt?” he asked.

  Nodding, I turned over a foot.

  “Why aren’t you wearing shoes? Wait, don’t tell me. An elf asked to borrow them but ran off without giving them back?”

  I laughed. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

  “Got you to smile, though, didn’t it?” He grinned, the corners of his eyes creasing.

  Without thinking, I leaned forward and kissed him. Fireworks exploded on my lips, and an almost-silent whimper escaped me. Then Neil gently pushed me away, and reality smacked me across the face. Oh crap. Idiot, idiot, idiot. I covered my mouth, my chest constricting.

  “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I shouldn’t have done that—kissed you, I mean,” I rambled.

  Neil smirked. “I think you’re loopy. Come on.” He snuck one arm behind my shoulders, the other under my knees, and lifted me off the bench.

  I wrapped an arm around the back of his neck and clung to him as he carried me to the truck.

  “I’m going to take you home, okay?” he said when he climbed into the driver’s seat.

  I gripped the door handle, prepared to jump out if I needed to. “No, please. Take me to your house, or Owen’s, or anywhere. I don’t want to go home.”

  Neil pressed his lips into a thin line, and then he turned in his seat, gripping the steering wheel, and stared through the windshield. His knuckles whitened. Why did he not want me to go somewhere with him?

  He started the truck with a sigh. “All right. Owen’s isn’t happening. It’s a madhouse over there. But let me make sure Mom’s asleep before I bring you inside mine.” With a frown, he drove away from the Mini Mart.

  chapter twelve

  I leaned against the car door, staring through the window at the starry sky. Neil drove through the rest of downtown River Springs and into the forest-covered mountains where his house sat tucked away. Soft music played from the radio, and as we pulled into his hidden drive, I turned to look at him. He was still staring straight ahead, his posture rigid. He’d said his mom had a problem with alcohol the last time we were here. Was that why he’d hesitated?