Because I Love You

by Tori Rigby

  Holy crap. He was on one knee. He was actually on one knee.

  “If you’ll let me,” he continued, “I promise to love you like my dad loved my mom, to fight dragons for Ethan, and to tell you a joke every day, just so I can see you smile. I love you, Andie. I have since that day on the playground, nine years ago, before I even knew what love was. Marry me.”

  In the distance, Owen and Jill shouted, “Come on!” and “Say, yes!”

  Unable to hide my smile, I dropped to my knees in the snow, in front of Neil, and put my hands on his chest. But unease wormed its way into my gut, and the words spewed from my mouth before I could stop them. “Are you sure? I mean, it’s just—”

  He put a finger on my lips. “Please don’t make me say my speech all over again. I actually got it right the first time. And my knee is really cold.”

  Wrapping my arms around his neck, I planted a kiss on his lips. He pulled me closer, and on the lake beside us, Jill, Owen, and his cousins whistled and hollered. Neil smiled against my mouth before pulling his lips away.

  “I take it that’s a yes?” he asked.

  With tingles fluttering through me from head to toe, I replied with a smile, “Yes.”

  For the next two hours, the six of us twirled on the ice. Well, three of the six of us did, anyway. Neil wouldn’t let me do much besides glide slowly, for fear I might fall. And Jill spent more time crawling on her hands and knees than actually using her feet. Once our legs started to tire—and Reed nearly chopped off Owen’s arm with his skate—we returned to the bank, changed into normal shoes, and then wandered into the warming lodge.

  We ate dinner in the resort’s restaurant then grabbed chairs around a large fire pit on the back patio. Owen and his cousins told stories about camping trips they’d gone on—some with Neil, some without. Each one more hilarious than the last. Once the sun went down and most of the visitors left, we finally agreed it was time to go.

  “Thank you so much for today,” I said as Neil pulled out of the resort’s parking lot. “I don’t think I’ve ever smiled so much.”

  He grabbed my hand and kissed my fingers, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he grinned. “You’re welcome.”

  No snark. No sarcasm. Pure sincerity. I slid down the truck’s bench seat and rested my head on his shoulder, reveling in the woodsy scent of his cologne—a smell now associated with love, safety, security.

  Neil rested his hand on my leg and stroked my knee with his thumb. A flutter shot up my leg. A flash of his fingers in my hair, his lips on my neck, and my palms on his strong chest volleyed through my mind. Hot tingles covered my body. I wanted—needed—to feel his touch again.

  “How far are we from Butterfly Point?” I asked, my insides already squirming in anticipation.

  He looked at me out of the corner of his eye. “Not far. Why?”

  My pulse raced. “Well, I just thought maybe we could, you know, stop there on the way to the cabin? We never did visit before Christmas.”

  He jumped and cleared his throat when I palmed the inside of his thigh. “Uh, yeah. We can definitely take a detour.”

  I giggled and kissed his neck, rubbing my hand up and down his leg. His eyes never left the road, and I didn’t feel the truck jerk even slightly. My inhibitions left me like water separates from oil. We’d been wrapped up in so many things since his birthday that we’d yet to move past brief kisses and falling asleep in each other’s arms after long, exhausting days. It was time that changed.

  I kissed his neck again, letting my tongue linger on his skin. Neil’s breath caught, but his composure was incredible.

  “Andie, do you want to make it there in one piece?”

  Smirking, my lips left his neck, but I didn’t remove my hand from his leg. Five minutes later, he turned the truck through trees down a winding, dirt path spotted with snow, and we reached the plateau that overlooked our city of River Springs.

  Within seconds of Neil popping the truck into park and turning off his headlights, I reached up and pulled his lips onto mine. A soft noise escaped him, then his hands were on my cheeks, and his mouth opened and closed mine. I melted under his touch. I’d never be able to understand why he chose to love me, in spite of everything. But, God, I was so glad he did.

  Neil nudged me down the truck’s bench seat, away from the steering wheel, and pulled me onto his lap. I faced him as best I could, straddling his hips. His hands dropped to my lower back, beneath my coat and sweater. Each place he touched burned with the thrill of what was to come.

  I ripped his jacket off and tore his shirt over his head. My palms ran from his neck to his abs, stroking every line of every muscle. Neil moaned, freed me from my coat, and lifted my sweater over my head. Our lips met again as his fingers worked the clasp on my bra, and then he tossed it aside. I shivered when his hands wandered down my back, around my rib cage, up to my chest. Yes, more, my body—my heart—begged.

  As if he heard me, his mouth left mine to trail kisses along my shoulder and collarbone. My breathing sped up as his fingertips trickled down my sides and beneath my waistband, around my hips to my butt. I lifted his lips back to mine and wandered my hands to the button of his pants.

  Neil pressed his forehead against mine, breaking the kiss as I finished unfastening his jeans. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

  “Yes,” I replied, my voice breathier than I anticipated.

  In what felt like one quick movement, Neil tossed the rest of our clothes to the floor of the truck. Then he drew me close, adjusting our position to the one most comfortable for me. I leaned into him, letting him control the pace, and being with him was even better than I’d imagined. My love for him swelled until I thought it would burst through every pore of my body.

  Neil was mine, and I was his. And together, we’d conquer the world.

  The next day, Neil’s final high school semester began while I hurried to finish my junior year at home. And after school, Owen, Reed, Logan, and Jill helped us move our stuff from the cabin to our new apartment in Denver. With only four months until I gave birth, we didn’t want to wait any longer to get situated.

  Neil came with me to my next ultrasound, and I almost cried at the way his face lit up when he saw Ethan on the screen. I even laughed at all Neil’s alien jokes and finally stopped worrying that he was giving up his dreams for me. My seventeenth birthday was in three-and-a-half months, and one year after that, we’d stand in the courthouse and get married. I’d start studying for my nursing degree—part-time—at our local community college, and Neil would continue to work—full-time—for Owen’s dad.

  My worry dissolved into hope, and for the first time, I felt like maybe, just maybe, everything would turn out like the end of a fairytale.

  chapter twenty-eight

  The Monday morning of my twenty-sixth week, I finished my junior year of school. After piling my books into my backpack, I made an appointment to sit for my exams at the high school then relaxed in a hot shower. I decided to surprise Neil with a date night in celebration and took my time on my hair and makeup before picking up the apartment and staring into the fridge.

  “I really need to get my driver’s license.” I could’ve used it to go grocery shopping. It looked like we’d be going out to dinner. Not that I minded.

  I closed the refrigerator door and wandered aimlessly to where Neil’s guitar sat on its stand. I plucked a string. One of these days, I would figure out how to play the dang thing. There were still two hours to go until Neil got back, and boredom was already seeping into my bones. Being able to play guitar would’ve come in handy. I blew out a long breath then turned on his keyboard. With one finger, I played the only song I’d ever learned on piano—”Mary Had a Little Lamb”—then leaned on my elbow and tapped the same note over and over.

  I shook my head. What’s wrong with me? One day without something to do, and I was going nuts. I should probably be enjoying this. After Ethan came, I’d probably be begging for a minute alone.

 
; As I stood and turned off the keyboard, my gaze caught on a corner of a paper sticking out from behind Neil’s piano music. The sheet was a different color, a little yellower than what Neil used to write his songs—like the professional-grade stationery I’d seen Mom use when she sent out resumes to universities around Denver. The edge of a seal poked out, and the line of the stamp curved down to the right, shaped like a shield. The inside of the mark was deep red.

  I plucked the page out from behind his music. No. A letter from Harvard University. He had applied, after all. My stomach fell to my knees.

  On wobbly legs, I strayed to the couch, my head swimming. I lifted the paper with sweaty hands and read. It was addressed to Neil and came weeks ago—and he’d been accepted on a scholarship. Why had he lied to me?

  Because you’re pregnant and orphaned, genius.

  My movements sluggish, I set the letter on the coffee table and slumped as far into the couch crease as I could. Neil had been accepted to Harvard. And he’d have to pay so little to go. My cheeks burned, and my pulse pounded in my throat. I wrapped my arms around my ribs and closed my eyes, fighting the urge to puke.

  My worst fear had come true: Staying with me meant I brought him down. Neil was giving up a dream for me.

  A sob escaped my mouth before I could tell it no. Neil couldn’t do this; he couldn’t turn down an education like Harvard. I knew the value of college, of a place like an Ivy League school. And for him to have gotten in after ten years of practically supporting himself? This hadn’t been a shot in the dark. I knew him too well. He’d worked for this.

  No matter how much I needed him, I couldn’t let Neil throw his future away for me. He would do anything to keep me protected, comforted; I knew that like I knew the sky was blue. But I had to show him the same selfless love, or I’d forever regret holding him back. Which meant one thing: I was on my own.

  My stomach turned to stone. But what about Ethan? Even if I did manage to drop out of high school and find a job that paid a decent wage, I couldn’t provide for a baby by myself. I couldn’t raise a baby in poverty—I wouldn’t. My son deserved so much more. But how the hell was I supposed to let him go?

  I lay down, resting my head on the couch’s armrest, and tucked myself into the tightest ball I could manage, crying until my stomach hurt. I would have given anything to be able to talk to Mom or Dad, to listen to them tell me what to do. Mom’s hugs had always made me feel better, and Dad had always known what to say. I couldn’t let go of Ethan, but how would I forgive myself if I didn’t let go of Neil, either?

  My hand shaking, I dug into my pocket for my cell phone. Through bleary eyes, I tapped the send button. Maybe there was still one person left who could help me work through my fears.

  Jill’s dad answered on the third ring. “Hey, kiddo. How’re you doing?”

  “Are you at work? Can I—” I could barely speak—“can we talk?”

  Whatever he said on the other side was muffled. Then he returned his attention to me. “You know what? I really needed a break, so your timing’s perfect. I’m heading to my car so we can have some privacy, but go ahead and start. What’s going on?”

  A whimper escaped before I could form words. “It’s Neil. He got into Harvard, and now I don’t know what to do.” I covered my mouth with my free hand as another sob wracked through me.

  “Wow. He’d said something about turning down a college application, but Harvard? Man. I knew the kid was smart, but not that smart. Tell me, what do you want to do?” A car door closed in the background.

  “I don’t know. I mean, he told me he wasn’t sacrificing anything for me, but he was obviously lying. And I can’t take this away from him. But without him . . . .” I sucked in a shaky breath.

  “Well, it’s going to come down to one big question: Do you really love him?”

  My eyebrows furrowed. What kind of question was that? “Yes.”

  “Then you have to decide what you’re willing to sacrifice—your happiness or his. For me, it was easy. I love my wife more than anything in this world, and when she told me she wanted to stay here in River Springs, open a store, and have a baby, I was 100 percent okay with giving up my dream of working for the FBI. But I was also never in the situation you’re in.”

  I frowned, another tear falling from my eye. Was that what Neil did for me? Even if he had, that’s not what I wanted for him. If I had talents like his and got into an Ivy League school, I’d always wonder what might’ve happened if I’d gone. One of us needed to make a sacrifice, and it couldn’t be him, not after everything he’d done for me.

  But then what would I do about Ethan? How could I say goodbye to the son I’d looked forward to holding, taking to Donaldson Park, and cheering on at soccer games?

  “Can I speak freely?” Mr. Anderson asked.

  I nodded then realized I hadn’t said anything. “Yes.”

  “I knew your parents. Not well, but River Springs is a small town. I’d often catch one of them in the store or at the diner or something. I can promise you that until Jill told me you were adopted, I always just assumed you were theirs. Your parents loved you, like you were their own. And there are plenty of couples out there, like your parents, who can’t start families and would be thrilled to raise your son. You’re too young to have to worry about raising a baby, kiddo.”

  More tears rolled down my cheeks. “But how am I supposed to just let Ethan go? I mean, I can’t just say goodbye.”

  “You aren’t saying goodbye. You’re saying, ‘I love you enough to make sure you can build dreams of your own. And the day you turn eighteen, I’ll be right here waiting to see you again.’ This isn’t the end, Andie. This is your chance to not only find your dreams again, but to give the two people you love most in this world the chance to seek theirs.”

  I bawled. He was right—of course he was right. This whole time, I’d been nothing but selfish, relying on everyone else when I should’ve been thinking about them. I did want Ethan to do and see and be everything. And how much could a sixteen-year-old orphan provide?

  Though it shredded my heart, I knew what I had to do.

  It was time to let them both go.

  After saying goodbye and promising Jill’s dad I would be all right, I cried until I couldn’t breathe. Until my nose ran and sweat covered my forehead. Until I sprinted to the bathroom and left my lunch in the toilet. I bawled with my cheek pressed against the seat, the chill of the porcelain soothing. It was over. I couldn’t be Ethan’s parent. And I was not going to anchor Neil to the bottom of the sea.

  Exhaustion overtook me before I managed to pull myself up from the floor.

  I jumped when a hand touched my forehead then groaned at the pain in my lower back. My legs were numb. That’s what I got for falling asleep with my head on a toilet.

  “Not to burst your bubble, but toilet seats are really uncomfortable pillows,” Neil said. His eyes were tight in concern, and his dark hair sat in messy spikes on his head. Seeing his face, hearing his deep voice . . . I’d rather burn alive, tied to a stake, than feel the pain ripping through my chest.

  I pushed on the seat, trying to get up. Neil grabbed my elbows and pulled me to my feet. It hurt to not make eye contact, to step away, but I knew I had to, or I’d break again. I grabbed my toothbrush and toothpaste and took my time ridding my mouth of the old tuna stench. Neil’s stare burned into me. I cupped water in my hands, rinsed out my mouth, and wiped my lips on a hand towel before turning my back to him and exiting the bathroom.

  “Everything all right?” he asked, following me.

  My legs felt like Slinkies. Any minute, I was going to fall over. I opened the fridge, my back still to Neil, and grabbed a bottle of water. I fumbled with the cap, and my jaw shook. How would I tell him the truth? Already, it felt like the world was closing in around me, and I was running out of air to breathe. What would it be like when I saw his face—his sad eyes—when I told him I’d found the letter? That I was giving up the baby and calling off the en
gagement?

  A tear fell from my eye when I tipped the bottle back to take a swig.

  Neil had stayed a small distance away, but now he caught up to me in a couple big strides and touched my back.

  “Andie, talk to me. Did I do something?”

  I set the plastic bottle on the counter and met his gaze. As expected, the concern I found there, the dread for what might be going on in my head, broke me. I closed my eyes as another tear fell and took a deep breath.

  Neil flicked the droplet from my cheek with his thumb. “Baby, please. Tell me what’s going on.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me you got into Harvard?” I asked, my voice as shaky as a 6.0 earthquake. I opened my eyes when he dropped his hands.

  He pinched the bridge of his nose. “How did you find out?”

  “That’s not the point. Why would you hide that from me?”

  “Because I’m not going to go. I didn’t think it was important.” His voice was calm, but his face was tight.

  “Not important? Neil, this is Harvard. You can’t turn down an offer like that.”

  “Yeah, I can.”

  “You told me you weren’t giving anything up for me.”

  He growled. “We’re not having this discussion. I’m not going. There are more important things that I should be worrying about.”

  The lump in my throat nearly cut off my air. I knew what I had to say—what I had to do. Swallowing my tears, I gripped the edge of the counter and spoke as strongly as I could, “Not anymore.”

  Neil’s face paled, and he stiffened. “What?”

  “I told you once that being with me would only bring you down. If I don’t . . .” I covered my mouth when my voice squeaked. “I would never be able to live, knowing I kept you from a future like Harvard.”

  He shook his head, and his eyes glassed over. “Don’t do this.”

  I continued, my entire body shaking, “I love you. And it’s because I love you that I can’t let you give this up. I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you. And I’m putting Ethan up for adoption.” I was crying now, and I wasn’t alone.