Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  “Unless you fancy barbequed Dog for dinner – you’d do well to stay away from that button! You’d do well to stay away from this panel altogether……actually – just put your hand in your pockets will you!” he continues:

  Arnie sheepishly places his hands in his pockets and stays perfectly still as he reels from the dressing down he just received.

  Mervin fastens his seat belt, moves the gear stick into the drive position and flips one of the more inconspicuous looking switches on the panel, starting something other than the engine up and causing the Dragon to shake. Arnie attempts to speak whilst being shaken violently around the cab of the Dragon:

  “Oooooh, it’s j.j.just l.l like th.th.th the f.f fun f.f.f fair! Are you g.g.gonna clear this m.m.mist then? You won’t be able to s.s.see the roads.” he says;

  Mervin looks back at Arnie, switches the engine off for a second and in his coolest voice says;

  “Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need…..roads!”

  Arnie looks back at Mervin blankly as another reference goes over his head and asks;

  “Why don’t we need roads? Are we gonna fly?”

  Mervin huffs in frustration as he starts the Dragon up again and the shaking resumes. He says to himself under his breath;

  “Who hasn’t seen Back to the Future? It’s a classic!”

  Mervin raises his voice to address Arnie’s question over the rumbling of the engine and whatever else powers this strange vehicle;

  “N.n.no, we’re not going to f.fly! We’re going to ride the d.d.dragons breath.”

  Mervin shakes his head and sarcastically mimicks Arnie, badly given his shaking voice;

  “Are we g.g.gonna f.f.fly? Haha!”

  The Dragon grumbles and rumbles loudly and starts to shake even more as smoke belches from the exhaust and the grille at the front. The headlights glow brighter and brighter as the sound from the engine gets louder and louder. Arnie puts on his seatbelt quickly as he tries not to look too worried by the whole experience. The rumble of the engine gets louder still as the interior and exterior are enveloped in the same golden glow that Arnie had seen descend over his house a few moments earlier.

  “Please f.f.fasten your seatbelts. Ensure all t.t.tables and chairs are in the upright p.p.position, switch off any p.p.personal audio equipment and hang on to your hat. We’re outta here!” shouts Mervin over the sound of the Dragon!

  As the noise, the shaking and the smoke all reach critical mass, the Dragon begins to fade and eventually disappears in a puff of golden smoke. As the mist clears on the ground the frozen couple that were walking the dog unfreeze and continue walking. Both seem to be oblivious to what happened but the dog looks quite confused as it turns to check its own backside that Lady had her nose in only a few moments ago.

  Inside the house the birthday party continues in a subdued and strange manner. Elaine slowly bends down to clear up the few remaining crumbs of cake she had dropped that didn’t find its way into Lady’s belly, and Hector goes to grab the last mini scotch egg from the party food display which has strangely diminished in what seems like a millisecond.

  “Who had all the scotch eggs?” asks Hector as a positively distraught looking Alfie also peruses the carnage.

  Elaine scoops up the last of the cake and says;

  “Well it’s a good thing Arnie wasn’t here to see me drop his cake. He would’ve been beside himself!”

  Everyone nods in agreement whilst looking at each other in a shared moment of mass confusion. Hector slowly bites into a pork pie whilst wearing a look of deep contemplation on his face.

  “Sorry,…am I the only one who thinks it’s weird that we’re celebrating Arnie’s birthday while he’s in China studying Origami?”

  Everyone looks even more confused than before as they all silently sit there and rack their brains as to why this unusual situation feels so usual. Alfie looks away from the party food disaster that has been holding his attention since he came out of the trance and looks at Hector with the same look of confused contemplation and says;

  “Yeah. Especially seeing as Origami is actually Japanese!”

  Everyone looks around at each other whilst staying silent and looking completely and utterly confused as they reflect on the strange turn in events they didn’t just witness……

  Chapter Five: Home

  “How the,…..what the……where the,….are we flying?” asks an agitated Arnie as he looks out of the passenger side window of ’The Dragon’ at a swirling blanket of mist and fog that is folding and unfolding underneath it’s wheels.

  “Not flying exactly. It’s more like we’re being carried. It really is the only way to travel. In a couple of minutes we’ll be in a safe enough position for the Dragon’s breath to release us so we can rematerialize in Tintagel.”

  Arnie nods back at Mervin and says;

  “I don’t know why I’m nodding like I understand, but this isn’t the weirdest thing that’s happened to me today so in a strange way it sort of makes sense. Do you know what I mean?”

  “Yes and no. I know that you do, in fact, understand and you’re just trying to convince yourself that you don’t because of your conditioning. I suppose it’s a perfectly natural reaction really. You’re nodding like that because when I handed you the Scrying Stone earlier you were shown all of this. Your conscious mind is just trying to make excuses now because subconsciously you don’t want to know. Because you’re scared.”

  “I’m not scared!” snorts Arnie defiantly;

  “I wouldn’t be here if I was scared would I? I would’ve stayed back there with my slow moving family! I’m nervous, I’ll admit that. I have butterflies in my stomach and it’s like I want to……hold on,….it’s like I’m gonna…”

  Arnie quickly places his hand over his mouth and leans forward in his seat.

  “Don’t you dare puke!” says Mervin.

  “No, it’s a, it’s a……” says Arnie before he lets out an almighty burp and a beautiful butterfly flies out of his mouth.

  Arnie sits back and covers his mouth while looking at the butterfly completely and utterly gobsmacked and Lady jumps around, trampling all in her wake in an attempt to catch it.

  “Hahahaaaaa, brilliant! That’s magic at its best that is.” laughs Mervin.

  “What the HELL was that?” shrieks Arnie as he flaps his arms around wildly.

  “Duh, it’s a butterfly isn’t it?” replies Mervin sarcastically;

  “I can see that! I meant, what the hell is a butterfly doing coming OUT OF MY MOUTH!!??” exclaims Arnie.

  “Oh. Yes, well I suppose now might be a good time to explain to you how magic works seeing as you are basically living it,…..so try to bear with me here. See, there are an infinite amount of different realities or dimensions in which infinite versions of ourselves exist, have existed or will exist. There are also infinite versions of our very own planet Earth, all differing slightly from the next and all dependent upon its inhabitants for survival in a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship – a fact that remains the same whichever reality we are talking about! There are also those places in between the dimensions that link it all together, magical places where literally anything is possible. In these places the most fleeting, unintentional thought can manifest into reality. A bit like the Marshmallow man in Ghostbusters.”

  Arnie just shakes his head at Mervin this time to signal that he has not seen it.

  “Ghostbusters too? Whatever! Anyway, we just so happen to find ourselves in one of these afore mentioned magical places right now.”

  Mervin gestures to the swirling mists outside the window;

  “This is the Ethereal plain. It’s a bit like space in as much as that if you were to step out of the cab you would be weightless and…..well, dead! There’s no oxygen out there in case that’s not clear, so stay in the car ok? Anyway, you just burped a Butterfly because of this place. You thought you had butterflies, felt you had butterflies and then this place made it so! So just be care
ful what you think about next ok?”

  Arnie nods his head worriedly whilst desperately trying not to think of himself with a tail or horns.

  “In each of these reality’s, some things will be possible that are completely, ludicrously impossible in another. In one reality you may be able to fly, or to breathe underwater or shape shift into a goat or something you see?” continues Mervin;

  Arnie thinks for a second, forgetting momentarily to keep a lid on what goes through his mind, nods his head and inexplicably bleets back at Mervin like a goat.

  Mervin stops talking and looks at Arnie strangely as he quickly covers his mouth to stop any further accidents from occurring. Mervin ignores it and continues;

  “Anyway, clearly we are not naturally able to do these things. The things that seem impossible to you now in this reality might be totally possible in another, just as something as simple as breathing oxygen here is completely usual and necessary to sustain life, in another reality it would be unthinkable to do so and perhaps even deadly. Still following?” he asks;

  Arnie uncovers his mouth and carefully replies;

  “Yes. I understand.”

  “Good! The trick [no pun intended], is being in touch with some of these other reality’s and acting as a bridge or a conduit of sorts so you are able to combine something from one dimension with another by pulling it from its reality into yours via the ethereal plain. Witches, Warlocks and Mages like me are able to do this using certain artefacts, like the Scrying Stone because they are conduits from alternate dimensions that somehow end up here on this side. We use them to identify a possibility and then channel said possibility through the conduit in order to do something magical like making people move at one percent of their normal speed or planting ridiculous suggestions in their head that they’ll absolutely whole heartedly believe when they wouldn’t usually even entertain it. Or it might mean doing something on a much larger scale altogether - like parting an ocean so you can lead people through it safely or feeding five thousand hungry people with only a few loaves of bread and a few fishes. So, then you have people like yourself, non-mages who are what I like to call force-sensitive – as in you know magic exists and you are able to wield its tools and do good things with it, but you can’t consciously manipulate it. Then there are those people who know nothing of magic and never will. ‘most people’ I call them. You see Arnie, Magic is where the impossible becomes possible!”

  To illustrate his point, Mervin catches the Butterfly that Arnie’s burped before and cups it gently in his hands. He raises his hands to his mouth, blows into them and releases a beautiful Blue Tit. Arnie audibly gasps in amazement as the Blue Tit flutters around the cab of the car tweeting happily, before landing on his shoulder. The Blue Tit tweets away jovially as he gently strokes the top of its head with his index finger before Mervin holds his hand out, turns it palm down on Arnie’s other shoulder and to his continued amazement, conjures up another identical bird. The second Blue Tit joins in happily singing with the other one before Mervin continues;

  “Certain places, like right here for instance - the Ethereal plain, are the veins of magic, linking one reality to another, and to another and another and so on and so forth. This is where magic flows whilst in a constant state of flux and where it is VERY strong…….and also quite unstable! That’s why you just burped a Butterfly. You thought you had butterflies in your stomach, and magic made it reality against your will – because you can’t manipulate it. And because I can and because I am who I am – I was able to then take that same Butterfly and transform it into a lovely pair of Ti……”

  Mervin looks away from Arnie briefly and says to himself;

  “I should have thought that one through actually!”

  Mervin faux pas goes unnoticed so he just continues talking as if nothing has happened;

  “…a lovely pair of birds. You see, magic latches onto whatever you have in your mind at the moment you are most susceptible to it and then creates it. You see?”

  “Sort of, but……wait a second…..” says Arnie as a look of realisation engulfs his face;

  “I’m not exactly a church goer or anything, but the parting of the sea? The bread and fishes? Those are stories from the Bible! Are you saying that that was all magic?”

  Mervin smiles back and retorts;

  “Well how else would you explain it? Is there any better use for magic than using it to help those in need?”

  Arnie sits back in his seat and contemplates this quietly. Meanwhile, Lady shuffles around on his lap looking increasingly uncomfortable.

  “Err,…I think lady needs to go.” says Arnie worriedly.

  “Go where?” asks Mervin obliviously

  Before he can answer, Lady jumps down into the foot well in front of Arnie and jiggles her backside towards his feet.

  “NO Lady! NO!!” exclaims Arnie before Lady yelps sharply and an eerie silence follows.

  Arnie tentatively reaches down towards where Lady was just doing her business and picks up a big juicy looking bone from the floor. He and Mervin look at the bone, then at Lady and back again before Lady jumps back up onto Arnie’s lap, takes the bone from him and begins munching.

  “Well at least we know what goes through Lady’s mind! She dreams of pooing bones. Nothing weird about that at all.” says Arnie.

  Mervin looks at Lady obviously disgusted;

  “Well, I never thought I could be both impressed and disgusted at the same time, but your dog has managed to do it. Anyway, look…” he says in an attempt to put the conversation back on track;

  “…I don’t pretend to understand it all fully, nor do I know if there is one mighty controlling force that presides over everything else. I guess there is, I mean there has to be - but I am not so arrogant as to pretend I know what it is or how it works. Far from it! I know there is one such force to which everyone on this planet answers to - that of Gaia, the spirit of the Earth. It’s Humankind’s biggest flaw if you ask me. No matter how much you evolve or learn, you will always believe you can quantify everything and answer all of life’s great questions. What is consciousness? Is there life after death? Does God exist? What is dark matter? Is time travel possible and why didn’t Gandalf take the ring to Mount Doom himself rather than give it to a hairy midget to dispose of? Why people can’t just accept they will never fully understand these things and just roll with it I’ll never know. Anyway that’s basically it. Like I say, it’s impossible for you to fully understand all the intricacies of magic, but as long as you understand that you are not meant to understand, and instead accept – you’ll be grand! Capiche?”

  Arnie takes a lung full of oxygen and exhales slowly;

  “Yes. I understand….that I’m not meant to understand.” he says calmly.

  “Good! That’s good. And would you look at that….” says Mervin as he claps his hands, rubs them together and points at a glowing red light on the dashboard;

  “It would appear we’re here!”

  Mervin then taps the lapel of his jacket, makes a strange noise with his mouth and says;

  “Two to beam down!”

  Mervin laughs to himself and looks at Arnie for some kind of acknowledgement of his reference, but gets none.

  “Aww come on! Not even Star Trek? I keep trying to find some common ground but these references just go straight over your head don’t they? It makes me feel like a right dick-head.….”

  Arnie giggles and then looks at Mervin curiously as they gradually begin to fade into the magical golden shimmer once more and a strange growth starts to appear on Mervin’s forehead…..

  As the first rays of sun splinter off through the thin, uniformly aligned Birch trees that stretch up to the heavens throughout the forest, a Squirrel gathers up acorns from amongst the leaves and twigs of the forest floor as the dulcet sounds of birds tweeting, frogs croaking and crickets cricketing fills the air. Suddenly the squirrel jumps as he is rudely disturbed by the harsh sounds of a five litre diesel engine, a dog bar
king and the hysterical laughing of a young boy. The Squirrel drops the acorns and disappears quickly up a nearby tree in a cloud of mist, fog and exhaust fumes as the Dragon makes a grand entrance with Arnie and Mervin in the front. Arnie is laughing hysterically and pointing at Mervin who is sitting motionless with a very serious look on his face as something gradually fades from his forehead.

  “Haaaaahahahahahaaha, you look completely ridic,…awww man, it’s gone! You see, now that right there? THAT is magic at its best!” exclaims Arnie as he attempts to catch his breath.

  “Yes, yes very funny….” says Mervin stone faced;

  “Now that would’ve been something of an Elephant in the room at my next dinner party wouldn’t it? Anyway, come on - we’re expected.” he continues.

  “Expected by who?” asks Arnie as he catches his breath and alights from the belly of the Dragon.

  “The boys!” replies Mervin as he wipes his forehead with a purple hanky, worried by the potential of any lingering extremities that might still be ‘hanging’ around.

  “They’ve been dying to meet you actually. They wouldn’t thank me for saying so but they have…”

  “Oh,….so you have flatmates?” says Arnie presumptuously.

  Mervin laughs and replies;

  “Of sorts, yes!”

  They continue to walk through the forest until Mervin suddenly stops at a clearing and exclaims;

  “Here we are. Home sweet home”

  Arnie takes a panoramic look around but see’s nothing, just grass, trees and air.

  “Er,……..where?” he asks.

  Mervin produces the Scrying Stone from his pocket, looks at Arnie and says;

  “Come on Arnie, after all you’ve seen in the past few hours - the butterflies, the bone, the,…..the growth,……are you telling me you didn’t think that something may not be quite as you’d expect?”

  Arnie shrugs his shoulders and replies;

  “It’s a fair point. Go on then, amaze me…..again.”

  Mervin holds the Scrying Stone aloft in one hand as it grows bigger and glows gold again. He thrusts his cane toward the clearing with his other hand and says in a loud booming voice that seems to come straight from the heavens;