Arnie, Mervin, & The Blood of Kings

by Pedliham, Luke

  “You know my name?” replies Arnie confusedly before continuing;

  “….of course you do. You were there when I gave it before weren’t you? Oh, and this lovely looking fella is Lady. She’s a girl by the way - in case the name didn’t give it away.”

  “Aww, she’s so sweet! Aren’t you GIRL?” says Gwyneth facetiously as she looks over the top of her eyes at Arnie as she bends down and pats Lady on the head.

  Lady at least isn’t too offended by Gwyneth’s mistake, which she acknowledges by licking her hand as she offers it.

  “So are you new in town?” she asks, directing her attention back to Arnie.

  “Yeah I just arrived like two days ago. Or it may have been three. Or two and a half. I’m not really sure, but yes, I’m new to town. To this town I mean……which you knew obviously otherwise you wouldn’t have asked would you…..”

  Arnie rubs the top of his head in embarrassment again and sighs heavily to himself as he realises that this whole talking to girls malarkey is a lot more difficult than he could have ever anticipated. But contrary to his preconceptions that all girls only like big, strong, confident boys Gwyneth starts to giggle and blush a little herself.

  “Awww. You’re quite sweet too!” she says from behind the hand she was using to stifle her laugh. As she lowers her hand she throws Arnie a big grin that to adults would speak volumes. Arnie however, not one to be outdone smiles back at Gwyneth with a grin so wide it almost envelopes his entire face. He is practically a human smile!

  “Oh well, er…..thanks.” he says as he looks away for a moment and idly kicks the dried mud on the ground out of nervousness.

  “So, where are you staying?” Gwyneth asks

  “Oh, erm…..I’m staying in the woods. With my Uncle.” he replies.

  “In the woods? Where in the woods? I didn’t know there were any houses in the woods and we’ve been here forever! Our parents run a B&B in town and have been here even longer and they’ve never mentioned any woodland housing!” says a confused looking Gwyneth.

  Arnie realises his mistake and attempts to quickly rectify it;

  “Camping! I mean I’m camping - with my Uncle in the woods.”

  “Oh. So, you’re not going to be here long then?” says the disappointed looking girl.

  “Well I don’t know really. I might be here for a while, it depends.” says Arnie as he slips back into telling the truth.

  Gwyneth looks Arnie up and down and begins to interrogate him further;

  “Sooo, you’re roughing it in the woods even though you’re clean and well dressed,…or at least you were clean and well-dressed until the tree episode, and you don’t know how long you’re going to be here, camping in the woods with your Uncle?” she says.

  Arnie, who is clearly not content with already being in something of a hole, decides he just wants to keep on digging;

  “Er…….yes? My Uncle likes camping a lot. It’s like ‘I want to go camping but I don’t know how long for’ and stuff. He’s a bit of a wizard to be honest!” he says.

  Lady barks disapprovingly at something, as if she understood Arnie.

  “A bit of a wizard?” Gwyneth says with a furrowed brow, illustrating her confusion.

  “Weirdo! He’s a bit of a weirdo, is what I mean. Pfffft wizard!! HA! What am I like?!” says Arnie continuing on his downward spiral as Lady just whimpers pathetically;

  “You’re strange!” says Gwyneth forwardly;

  “Yeah,…..I get that a lot.” replies Arnie sullenly.

  “Good strange though!” she chirps back quickly as she notices Arnie shrinking back into his proverbial shell;

  “I like it! It’s cool. All the other boys always try to act so big and show off all the time, but you’re different.” she says.

  “Different? How?” asks Arnie hoping for some more sweet words from his new found admirer.

  “Well for starters you’re uncles a wizard!” replies Gwyneth sarcastically.

  “Seriously though,….I’m not sure how to put it but….”

  Gwyneth pauses as she continues and squints at Arnie as if she were trying to work it all out just by looking at him;

  “It’s like…….no it’ll sound silly if I say it…” she says.

  “Go on, just say it…” replies Arnie hopefully.

  “Well…..ok, I guess this will make me sound just as strange as you but, when you and Loui were up the tree, and even though you fell - it was like…..I don’t know, it was like the tree was looking after you so you didn’t get hurt. Like, properly hurt! When you fell out it was like the branches almost helped you out by cushioning your fall a bit or moving out of the way by the smallest fraction. It was weird! It was like for a minute you were…..”

  “…..one with the tree.” interrupts Arnie proudly.

  “Yeah, just like you were one with the tree, that’s exactly it!” Gwyneth replies excitedly.

  Arnie decides to revel in this for a while and give it as much bravado as humanly possible. And so continues;

  “That IS exactly it though Gwyneth. You’re right, I was one with the tree and the tree was one with me. I am one with nature now and always. I am Arnie Gibb…….Arnie Pendragon, bound to Mother Earth and her fate. I am one with nature and am called friend by all creatures great and sma….”

  Suddenly and without warning a big lump of bird poo lands on Arnie’s shoulder, followed by what Arnie hears as hysterical laughter and the word “Bullseye!” but which Gwyneth simply hears as very animated and strange birdsong.

  Gwyneth lets out little giggle that she simply couldn’t stifle and says;

  “Really? One with nature? Friends to all creatures great and small are we? Ok then, if you say so!”

  Arnie is not amused and looks back at Gwyneth bitterly, his hands still animated from his little bravado filled speech that had ended all too abruptly. Gwyneth continues as Arnie is still too shocked to talk;

  “Listen, it’s like the birds are even laughing at you. Wait, they’re not normal birds they sound like…..I think they’re actually…..”

  “Owls.” interrupts Arnie as he attempts to brush the crap off his shoulder.

  “Yeah, I think you’re right, they are Owls. Cool! You may not be one with nature and friend to all creatures, but you do know you’re birds.” says an impressed but still highly amused Gwyneth.

  Arnie continues to wipe the bird poo from his shoulder with a leaf he picked up from the ground and attempts so salvage some dignity by looking upwards and pretending he’s some sort of David Attenborough;

  “Mmm hmm, oh I know my birds alright, especially Owls. I think,…yes, I think one is a Tawny Owl and if I’m not mistaken there’s a smaller owl that I think is a, ……..yes, it’s a Pygmy Owl!”

  Gwyneth continues to be impressed by Arnie’s apparent knowledge of birds, even though he is dangerously teetering on the edge of looking like a bird spotter. Arnie is still angry however at being used as a toilet and want’s to vent his frustration in some way so continues on;

  “If they could understand me, you know - understand English, I’d say something to them like,….oh I dunno, something like ‘YOU WAIT TILL I GET MY HANDS ON YOU TWO LITTLE SODS, I’LL RING YOUR NECKS!!’ or something. You know, to scare them haha….”

  “OH YEAH? YOU AND WHO’S ARMY!” comes the reply from Alfie which of course only Arnie understands, before Archie pipes up with;

  “KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ARNIE, YOU’RE TELLING HER TOO MUCH”.

  “Haha, it sounds like they’re actually answering you back Arnie! Perhaps you are ‘one with nature’ after all. I’m not sure about friends with all creatures great and small though unless pooing on your friends is how owls go about expressing friendship. Or are owls the exception?” asks Gwyneth.

  “Actually no, crows are. There are probably some others too but mainly crows.” Arnie replies.

  “Crows huh?”

  Arnie doesn’t like to be made to look like a fool and thinks to himself that he may be l
osing any slim chance he may actually have with this beautiful girl that is currently standing in front of him so he chooses to ignore the advice offered by his feathered ‘friends’, especially seeing as one of them just defecated on him!

  “Yep, Crows. You know it be easier if I just showed you. Come with me.”

  Arnie produces the magic key from his pocket once more and walks back towards the Oak tree and Gwyneth follows him tentatively;

  “Where are we going?” she asks;

  “You’ll see.” replies Arnie as he gets right up close to the trunk of the tree and starts fumbling around for the keyhole.

  As far as Gwyneth is concerned, Arnie has just walked over to a tree and started caressing it in a very odd way;

  “Er,….Arnie? What are you doing?” she asks.

  “Hold on,….I’m just looking for the hole.” replies Arnie.

  “Hole? What hole?” Gwyneth says cautiously.

  “The keyhole.” says Arnie as he locates the hole, thrusts the key in and turns it.

  As the golden outline of a door begins to glow in the trunk of the tree, Gwyneth takes a few steps back and just gawks at it open-mouthed. Arnie notices this and remembers how he felt the first time he had witnessed magic at work. He approaches Gwyneth and reassuringly puts his arm around her for comfort which she accepts wholeheartedly as she places her hand on his and they both stand back looking on as the magic door takes shape.

  “Don’t be afraid.” Arnie whispers in Gwyneth’s ear;

  “I’m not afraid, I’m…..I’m amazed. It’s amazing!” replies an awestruck Gwyneth.

  “Yeah, totes amazeballs!” says a strange but yet familiar voice from behind them followed almost immediately by…;

  “Fantastique magique!”

  They both spin around to see Loui approaching from no more than ten metres away along with Gwyneth’s twin sister.

  “Ahh,…..this might be difficult to explain.” Arnie says to himself:

  “What is this, what is going on?” asks Loui.

  “Yeah, like what’s occurring?” Gwyneth’s sister reiterates.

  In a split second, a surplus of excuses course through Arnie’s mind. He could deny anything’s even happening, make out they’re all mad and tell Loui and the twins that they must have ingested a hallucinogen in the last hour or so. Or does he say that it’s always been there in a kind of ‘how could you not have noticed this before?’ kind of way. Then again he could always just leg it into the tree, shut the door behind him and never go back. Who’d even believe them if they ever told anyone anyway? Then, just as he is ready to let fly the imminent torrent of excuses, he remembers something that Mervin had said to him just before he locked him into the cupboard. He said;

  “One thing I CAN tell you you’ll need…….is friends!”

  Arnie considers this for no more than a second before turning to his new friends and saying;

  “It’s a magic door that leads to a kind of waiting room in the ethereal plain, which actually looks a lot like a broom cupboard strangely! From there we can travel just about anywhere. Anywhere around here at least. I guess, I could….I could show you?”

  “Hell yeah!” says Gwyneth’s sister excitedly as she strides towards the tree with no fear.

  Suddenly the Owls above start making even more noise. They all look at each other in confusion as Arnie looks up and says under his breath;

  “Oh shut up will you.”

  “Like, what’s with the birds guys?” says Gwyneth’s sister as she stops and looks to the sky.

  “Yeah they’re a noisy lot aren’t they? Oh, by the way Arnie, this is my sister Vera. Vera - Arnie, Arnie – Vera!” says Gwyneth as she realises her social faux-pas and makes the overdue introduction.

  Arnie extends his hand to Vera and attempts to Articulate the associated pleasantry;

  “Hello Vera, pleased to mee….”

  “Yeah, yeah, me too. It’s a pleasure. So are we going or what?” interrupts Vera impatiently as she slaps Arnie’s hand away in a rushed ‘high five’ moment and shuffles onwards towards the door.

  Loui follows Vera to the tree and Gwyneth and Arnie follow them. As they arrive at the door they all look at the door handle as if they’ve never seen one before. They look back at Arnie, at then at each other and then back down at the handle.

  “Well I’m not touching it!” says Vera defiantly.

  “Me neither!” says Gwyneth

  Arnie reaches forward to open the door like the man with no fear, but as he does so Loui grabs it quickly and pushes it open. All apart from Arnie stand there and just stare in awe struck anticipation as they look into the doorway at the mysterious, dark space that awaits them.

  Arnie strolls straight into the awaiting darkness, gesturing to the others to follow him. Loui follows first and Vera, who is now starting to look a bit scared, grabs Louis arm and follows him. Gwyneth remains outside for a moment as she watches them all disappear into the darkness.

  “Hello? Vera? Arnie? Loui? Don’t leave me here. I’m scared!” she says as her voice trembles with fear.

  Suddenly what appears to be a disembodied hand appears from the blackness causing Gwyneth to shriek with fear, shortly followed by Arnie’s head.

  “It’s ok! Here, take my hand.” he says heroically.

  Gwyneth cautiously takes Arnie’s seemingly disembodied hand and he slowly pulls her into the dark hollow of the tree, closing the door behind her. The four of them all shuffle around in the darkness for a moment, fumbling for something to hold onto. A series of apologies and a few bangs and crashes later Gwyneth exclaims:

  “Crikey Arnie! What have you been eating?”

  “What? Nothing! Why?” replies Arnie defensively;

  “Oh er,….no reason.” says Gwyneth.

  “What is this in your hair Vera? It feels…….rough.” says Loui.

  “What? Nothing! Just conditioner! What do you mean it feels rough? You’re not even touch…..”

  Suddenly the room is illuminated as Arnie finds the light switch. His three new friends all stand there and look around at each other as they present a united front of strange poses and postures. Loui and Vera are apparently sharing a mop as Loui gently caressing the head of the it and Vera is holding the handle instead of Loui’s arm. Gwyneth is now up close and personal with Lady who is stood on an overturned bucket with her two front paws leaning on Gwyneth’s chest and is panting heavily straight into her face. They all quickly shuffle around and attempt to correct themselves without acknowledging the situation - all apart from Lady who whines as she seems a little put out by Gwyneth’s rejection! Regardless of this, they are now all present and correct in the mysterious broom cupboard complete with the rack of magic keys. Arnie has seen it, done it and been there before of course, but for the other three this is all a new and very strange experience.

  “So we’re in the tree?” asks Loui as Gwyneth and Vera both nod at Arnie in agreement to reiterate the question.

  “Yes. I mean no. Not exactly. I mean we came into the tree but the moment we shut the door….”

  “Which has only gone and bloody well disappeared!” interrupts Gwyneth as she points at the now featureless wall behind them.

  “Oh, well yeah as you can see the door has disappeared but it’s nothing to worry about….”

  As Arnie is attempting to explain the situation, Vera grabs Loui again and starts to panic;

  “Oh God, oh God, oh God, I’m claustrophobic! There’s no door! I need to get out of here, I can’t breathe….”

  “…and I can’t feel my arm!” says Loui as he winces and recoils in pain as Vera squeezes his arm with all her might.

  Vera lets go of Loui’s arm and grabs the mop once again and squeezes that instead.

  “LISTEN!” says Arnie forcefully to re-focus his new found compatriots;

  “There’s nothing to worry about! We’re just on the ethereal plane. I just need to find the right key on that rack and then we’ll have a new one.”

>   “What? We’re on a plane?” asks Loui stupidly;

  They all acknowledge this as being stupid by looking at Loui with a raised eyebrow before simply ignoring it and carrying on regardless as Loui silently acknowledges his own absurdity to himself;

  “A new what?” asks a puzzled looking Gwyneth.

  “A new door of course!” replies Arnie very matter of factly.

  Vera, who is still looking quite shaken, continues gripping onto the mop handle like her life depended on it and begins ranting;

  “Oh yeah, sure, like a new door will just appear out of nowhere where the old one just disappeared [which is TOTALLY normal of course] and then everything will be cool and great and we’ll get the door like he said and then go to the moon or to Mars or to Hogwarts or something similarly ridiculous….”

  “Hogwarts?” scoffs Arnie as he looks through the keys, examining the tags;

  “Don’t be silly! There’s not a key for Hogwarts here. Pffft, Hogwarts she says……”

  Arnie pauses for a moment as he continues looking through the plethora of keys that are hanging in front of him;

  “…….that said there is actually a key for the moon here.”

  “Really?” says Vera as she tries to catch her breath and not to panic.

  “No. Not really.” replies Arnie facetiously.

  Both Gwyneth and Loui laugh at Arnie’s retort as he finally pulls a key from the rack and holds it aloft triumphantly in front of his new found friends.

  “Found it! Rebel base here we come! Right you lot, stand aside…..”

  Arnie shifts Gwyneth aside gently to get to the wall where there was once a door and starts caressing the wall again.

  “Er,…Arnie? What are you doing?” asks a slightly concerned looking Vera;

  “Don’t worry. He does this.” interrupts Gwyneth knowingly;

  Arnie pushes the key into the wall and turns it. As the new door begins to take shape Arnie turns to the other three and says;

  “Oh, I forgot to mention, when you meet him, my…..Uncle I mean, you might think he’s a bit weird!”

  “And a bit wizard too! Haha!!” says Gwyneth sarcastically as she watches the golden outline of a door slowly appear alongside her sister and Loui.