by Theresa Kay
And he has. The world outside is gradually growing lighter.
I turn away from the window and bury my face in my brother’s chest, my shoulders shaking with sobs. “You’re too fragile. You won’t be able to hold it.”
“I’m not planning to,” he says, his arms pulling me in tighter. “The things I’ve done… this is my way to make up for them. Or try to. I don’t know if it’ll work or how effective it’ll be, but once I’m back in my own head, I’m going to throw everything I’ve got at him, buy you and your friends some time to get out of here. You need to find somewhere safe, Jax. Make a plan to take him out once and for all.”
“Everything you’ve got? You’ll die…”
“Yes.” He says it so matter-of-factly that I know he’s thought about this for a long time. And there’s nothing I can do to change his mind. “I don’t want to live out the rest of my life as a shell of a person, and that’s all I’d be if I didn’t do this. My mind is gone, my body is barely holding together. Let me do this for you, for everyone I’ve wronged… For Flint. I want to be someone you can be proud to remember, proud to call your brother.”
My voice is soft, my words edged with pain. “I’m already proud to call you my brother.”
The arms around me feel lighter, less solid, and when I look up, Jace is less solid too. He’s not gone yet, but he’s fading.
The smile on his face is sad as he rests a palm on my cheek. “Remember what I said that day at the lake, that it couldn’t be just us forever? You have friends, people who care about you, someone who loves you. Even though our time together is ending a little sooner than either of us thought, you’ll be fine.”
Tears drip off my chin, and I mirror his position by placing my hand on his cheek. “What if I don’t want it to end?”
“You don’t have a choice. This is my choice, my sacrifice, and I want it to mean something.” He rests his forehead against mine. “You are smart. You are brave. And you are strong, stronger than I ever was even when you thought you were broken. You have great things ahead of you. I’m sorry I can’t be there to see them.”
Pale light is flooding through the windows, bathing the interior of the cabin with its subtle golden glow and outlining the dimming form of my brother.
“I love you.” Jace presses a kiss to my forehead. His mouth turns up at the corners, and he winks. “I’ll tell Flint you said hi.”
And then he’s gone.
I’m alone again, the light in the cabin now so bright it seems obscene compared to the loss in my soul and the gaping crack in my heart. The memories have stopped playing. It’s too quiet. Too still. Too… empty.
And I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that he’s gone.
Half of me is missing.
But I’m still here…
And somewhere in the real world, Jace is dying. Probably locked in his own head, alone and confused and scared.
And I’m still here.
How do I get out? Before, I’ve always simply woken up. But the stillness here now is suffocating, locking me in place.
Panic and rage combine into a whirlwind of motion. I have to get out. I have to be there for him. I bang on the walls, flip over the table, throw the books off the shelves, smash the windows. It’s not working. I’m stuck, and my brother sacrificed himself for nothing.
There’s one other person who’s been here with me and can tell me how to get out.
Lir.
And to reach him, I have to reopen our connection and admit to myself it wasn’t just anger and hurt that caused me to block him out. His words and actions were horrid, and he betrayed my trust—but I betrayed his, too.
I was acting selfishly, putting Jace ahead of everyone, including myself. I should have told him the second I knew about Jace being with Rym and Trel, but I kept it from him because I decided that was best for him. Something I’ve always hated people doing for me.
And I promised him I wouldn’t knowingly put myself in danger.
But I knew.
I knew controlling the shikiza was a long shot, but I also knew if I hadn’t closed the connection to Lir, he would have stopped me, would have shut off my connection to Jace for my own protection. He did it once before.
And then I wouldn’t have been able to save the pieces of who my brother used to be. I wouldn’t have been able to say goodbye to the brother I remember.
He owes me an apology—but I owe him one too. Lir didn’t ask me to choose, but I did. I chose to do what I thought was best—to risk myself—and to do it alone so I didn’t have to lose anyone else.
And it could have cost me everyone.
I close my eyes to search out the glowing green connection. When I find it, I give it a gentle tug. His response is immediate. He floats into my mind on a wave of guilt and sorrow. He doesn’t say a word, just stands there in the center of the cabin with his eyes downcast as the light plays across his skin and brings out that otherworldly golden shimmer.
I open my mouth to speak, but he holds up a hand and shakes his head.
“I deeply regret everything I said, and I wish I could take it back,” he says in a voice laced with remorse. “I was scared—terrified—and I let fear control my words and actions. After everything, it is hard for me to watch you rush into danger. Not only because I can do little to help, but because I worry that one day you will not come back. I have lost so much, and now my first instinct is to be selfish and keep you close and protected because I do not know what I would do without you. And I am so very sorry I let my emotions overwhelm me to such a degree that I… invaded your mind like that.”
I walk up to him, slowly, and run my hand over his cheek. “I’m sorry too. With everything else going on, I didn’t stop to think about how you were coping with things. You kind of aren’t—coping, that is—and I should have noticed it sooner and done more to be understanding. And I should have considered the effect my recklessness has on everyone else, especially you.”
“It wasn’t recklessness, not this time. It was love.” He leans into my touch. “And I was wrong. About Jace. He protected them, Rym and Trel, and if I had given you a chance to explain…” He trails off, shaking his head.
“I understand. You were acting out of fear. I’ve been known to do that a time or two.”
He meets my eyes. “I made sure he had the strength to get through to you here.”
“Thank you.” My fingers twist in the fabric of his shirt. “We need to get out of here. Jace is… dying somewhere, taking one last shot at Jastren, and I want to be there for him.”
“You will.” He tucks me into his chest and bows his head over mine. “As soon as he knew you were in trouble he ran to your side. He’s still there.”
I take a deep breath against his chest and open my eyes.
I’m back in the real world, lying on a tiny cot, curled into Lir. My left hand hangs over the edge, my fingers intertwined with Jace’s, who lies on a second cot next to me.
I roll off to the floor and kneel next to my brother. “I’m here. I’m safe.”
Blood trickles from one nostril, and his hand tightens around mine as his eyes dart back and forth behind his closed lids. He grimaces, his face twisting with pain, but he doesn’t make a sound. His back suddenly arches off the cot and his whole body goes rigid for a few seconds before he collapses back down and releases a long, slow breath.
His eyes flutter, but don’t fully open.
His hand squeezes mine again.
And then he goes still.
He’s gone.
MY BROTHER IS DEAD.
And there’s no time to mourn. Instead, I had to leave his sheet-draped body inside the chapel while I flee the base with the rest of my friends. It’s too much of a risk for any of us to stay here now. Gavin just got word that Vitrad and Kai have arrived safely at the factory. Bree and Patrick are already off the base and aren’t far behind.
The rest of Gavin’s men still on the base and still loyal to him—at least twenty
of them—have met us outside the chapel so we can split into groups. Each group will have a few actual military guys and a couple of us “civilians” dressed in stolen uniforms so we can blend in. And blending in requires dividing the E’rikon and me into separate groups.
Rym and Lir leave with the first group.
Trel and Miri go with the second group.
I’m in last group, along with Emily, Stu, Peter, and Ethan. We’re the biggest group of non-soldiers, with only Gavin and Harrison as our escorts. We were placed together because Stu and I can both hold our own in a fight if necessary, but I sure hope it won’t be necessary. I’m moving forward, but all I really want to do is sit down and cry. There’s an empty feeling deep inside me, a hole where my brother, my twin, should be. But he’s not, and he used the last of his strength to buy us time, so I’m damn sure going to use it.
This feels so much like that mad dash to escape Bridgelake after Flint’s death, me holding myself together until that elusive “later” when I could finally let myself fall apart. Was that really only a week ago? It feels like it’s been months.
I drag my hand over my face and keep walking. One foot in front of the other. At least I don’t have to be in charge of anything right now. Not anything besides myself anyway. Gavin is calling the shots, and I’m more than happy to let him handle things until I can get my head on straight.
“How much farther?” asks Emily in a low voice.
Gavin rubs a hand over his hair. “We have to go a few more blocks down this street and then cut over. I didn’t want to risk a more direct route.”
We walk those few more blocks and cut to the right to head toward one of the side exits. As much as I feel like I’m about to fall over, the forced leisurely pace is killing me. My instincts are screaming for me to run, to get the hell out of here as quickly as possible, but we can’t draw attention to ourselves.
The radio at Gavin’s side comes alive with a burst of static, and he holds up a hand to signal the rest of us to stop. “Go ahead, over,” he says into the radio.
“… south side blocked. You need to find another way out… over.”
He curses and pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “This isn’t good. It sounds like they’re locking everything down.”
“So what do we do?” Stu asks.
“We can all try another exit, or we can split up.” Gavin glances from side to side, obviously frustrated.
“We should split up,” I say. “There’s less chance of us getting caught if we’re in smaller groups, right?”
Gavin nods, his hand on the back of his neck. “Holmes, you take Miss Fletcher, Ethan, and Stu with you. Head toward the east side of the base. It’s mostly private residences over there. If you have to, find a place to hunker down until you can get out.”
Harrison nods in acknowledgment.
“Jax, Peter, and I will head back the way we came and try the gate in the warehouse district closest to the chapel. They’ve probably already been through that area once; maybe we’ll get lucky and they won’t bother to take a second look.”
Harrison and his group walk off, and Gavin leads Peter and me back the way we came. We traverse those same few blocks we walked a few minutes ago, and then a few more. Soon I can see the top of the chapel near the end of the next street.
As the chapel grows closer, a sense of failure trickles into my stomach. It seems every time I think I’m ahead of things, every time I think I know what’s going on, every time I think I might actually win a round… I end up moving backward. Right now, literally.
And the wall holding back my inner turmoil is beginning to crack. My brother is dead, and I haven’t even gotten the time to cry about it. I woke up holding his cold, dead hand and—
Stop it!
The image of Jace’s face, pale and slack, is stuck in my head. It’s not the memory I want of him. I want to remember how he was in that precious bit of in-between when we were at the cabin. But I’m stuck instead with the image of his pale, lifeless face…
I shake my head and curl my fingers into my palms in an attempt to stay grounded. Jace may have taken back his darkness, but I can feel my own darkness threatening to take over, the shikiza feeding on my pain. How much longer can I keep shoving down my grief? I need a break. I need… I need…
To take a goddamn breath.
I inhale slowly and exhale with a loud sigh, digging my nails further into my palms. I’m stronger than this. I have to be.
“Jax, my dear,” says Peter, giving my shoulder a gentle squeeze. “I am so very sorry about Jace. I know how painful this is for you and… we can give you a few moments if you need them.”
“We don’t have time for—” Gavin starts.
“Yes, time is scarce,” snaps Peter, in a voice harsher than I’ve ever heard from him. “But she’s falling apart. It could be only grief, but it could be more as well. We don’t know enough about her abilities, or what she took from her brother, or any of it to say what the best way to handle this is. So if Jax decides she needs a moment, we’re going to let her take that moment. She may be half E’rikon, but she’s not a machine.”
Gavin sends me a pained look, his desire to get the hell out of here clear in his eyes.
“I can do it,” I say, patting Peter’s hand. “Let’s keep going. It’s not much farther, right?” I lower my voice. “Maybe… when we’re past the gate I can take a second or two?”
Peter gives me a sad smile and squeezes my shoulder again. “We’ll do it your way then, my dear. But please don’t push yourself too hard. I’m not so sure you know your limits, and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to you. I know your brother is gone, but you aren’t in this alone, and I’m happy to be someone to lean on if you need it.” He throws his arm over my shoulders and hugs me from the side.
I manage to push a “thanks” past the lump in my throat. What would I do without him? This isn’t the first time the chatty priest has helped hold me together.
We cut behind the chapel and making our way to the line of warehouses next to the wall. My sole focus is on my feet, putting one in front of the other.
When we turn the next corner, Gavin nearly runs into a soldier. Peter and I scramble back quickly enough to make it back behind the building before the soldier turns around, but Gavin’s not so lucky. I can’t see his face in the dark, but something in the set of Gavin’s shoulders tells me he’s not too worried.
That is, until another soldier turns the corner, followed by two more, and Gavin’s whole body tenses up.
“Cartuck,” he says. “Funny running into you here.”
Daniel’s here? Inside the base? Does that mean Jastren’s already…
This is bad. This is worse than bad. Of all the people to run into, Daniel knows Gavin and I are kind of friends, and he knows Gavin left Bridgelake with me. And Ethan. And Bree.
“What are you doing all the way out here, Falstaff?” Daniel leans back to look past Gavin’s shoulder. “Are you alone?”
“Yes,” says Gavin. He takes a sliding step back, edging away from Daniel.
Daniel’s eyes narrow. “This place is on lockdown. You aren’t supposed to be out here.”
Gavin shrugs. “I was taking a walk. Haven’t made it back to my quarters yet.”
Daniel jerks his chin up. “Well, I think we’ll escort you the rest of the way. I know a few people who might be anxious to have a chat with you about your E’rikon buddies.”
“You’re a fool if you think I’m giving up my friends.” He takes another step back.
Daniel steps forward, a gun held casually in front of him. “I never did like you much.” He smirks. “Maybe you’ll run into a bit of an accident trying to escape.”
Behind his back, Gavin twitches two fingers to the side. Trying to tell me and Peter to leave? That’s not going to happen. I’m not going to jump out there in front of a gun, but I’m not letting them take Gavin either. Besides, a confrontation between me and Daniel has been a long tim
e coming.
I quietly slide my knife out of the sheath in my boot and motion for Peter to stay behind me. My lungs inflate with a slow, deep breath, and I close my eyes. Earlier, things were too sudden for me to concentrate enough to use my abilities to my advantage, but now I have a little time to think it through. As long as Gavin can avoid getting shot…
I have to bite back a whimper as I send out the first mental tendril. Whatever it is that powers my abilities is sore and nearly burned out. But it’s working. I let the tendril divide into four branches and send one at each of the soldiers surrounding Gavin.
Now what? I’ve never tried something like this, and I’m not quite sure which enhancement the kind of attack I need comes from. I’ve been able to create some kind of electric zap in my hands, but can I send that mentally? I suppose it’s worth a shot.
Focusing on the feeling of the anxiety buzzing along my nerves, I gather it into a ball and push it outward. It dances along the thread of the mental connection, headed directly for the soldiers.
Well, that was easy enough. Or not. The electricity brings down two of the soldiers, but the other two—including Daniel—appear to be merely stunned.
As Daniel and the other remaining soldier struggle to brush off the effects of my blast, I lean around the corner, the knife leaving my hand as soon as I have a direct shot on the other soldier. The thunk of it hitting its target echoes in my ears even as I grab the back of Gavin’s shirt and yank him back behind the building and out of sight.
I’ve only bought us a few seconds. I already hear footsteps. Daniel and the other guy—damn, I wish I’d had better aim—have recovered. I don’t have another knife. Gavin’s gun is… is…
It doesn’t matter. There’s no time.
So I fall back on my most familiar ability. Using my adrenaline to fuel the fire behind the shikiza, I push it outward as hard as I can, while simultaneously trying to keep it away from Gavin and Peter. I’ve never used it without touching someone—much less without even seeing my target—and it’s much harder to control when it’s… loose and wild. But Jastren can do it, so it’s about time I learned.