Inconvenient Murder: An Inept Witches Mystery

by Amanda A. Allen

  “There isn’t enough therapy in the world to banish this memory from my mind,” Ingrid mutter.

  Hazel’s voice interrupted. “Now that you are in place, access that deep breath, that power of nature that you have imbibed, and with an exhale, open your eyes, focus on the leaves of a tree in the distance and blow. Concentrate and you will see the leaves move.”

  Ingrid’s snort was easily translated into “Are you kidding me?” But she blew out.

  Emily heard the people around her exhale. She opened her eyes and looked to the outskirts of the clearing and saw branches all around the clearing swaying in the magical breeze.

  She concentrated, intent on making her magic work for her, and then focused on a particular branch. Then she exhaled. She could feel the force of the air traveling out of her mouth up and out. But instead of her breath gently traveling to the treetops, it circled up around Ingrid’s head, pulling it out in all directions.

  “Ow!” Ingrid screamed. Emily gaped at her friend, watching her hair stand on end, pulling so tightly that Ingrid’s eyes became squinty. “I am going to slap you into next week if this damages my hair, Em!”

  Emily imagined Ingrid being able to speak Chinese while topless and her hair standing on end and burst out laughing. Ingrid’s hair fell back down around her shoulders, and Emily sat down on her butt and laughed. And laughed. And laughed.

  When she caught her breath and looked around, she saw all the members of the group staring at her.

  Ingrid leaned over and whispered, “Remember how they told us to breathe out and focus on a tree.”

  Emily nodded.

  “I think mine is burning.”

  Emily stood up, gathered up her clothes and started for the trees. “I’m out of here.” With one look over her shoulder, she glared at Autumn. Whatever this woman could do wasn’t worth being naked in the woods.

  Then she looked at Ingrid, who had already grabbed her clothes and started for the cars. Her gaze was darting at the tree and then back at the cars.

  “Some witch she is.” Autumn’s voice caught up to Emily, who froze in place upon hearing the accusation.

  Then another anonymous voice from the coven. “You know she’s going to be the next leader of the coven.”

  “Not likely,” Autumn said in her sickening snarky voice. “Not with her skills. Or complete lack of skills.”

  Immediately Hazel spoke in her most authoritative voice. “That’s enough Autumn.”

  Ingrid and Emily turned to look at Hazel, who was approaching them. Emily fought the urge to set Autumn ablaze right here in front of everyone. Instead, she took a deep breath.

  “Go on girls. That’s enough for tonight.”

  Ingrid closed the distance to Hazel, whispered into her ear—probably a confession— and then took off running toward the Escalade. Emily followed.

  Ingrid took her hand and spoke softly. “Don’t listen to her. She knows nothing.”

  Emily smiled, grateful for her friend’s comforting words. Grateful, but still angry.

  “I’m gonna burn that chick alive. You just wait. It’ll be on purpose this time.”

  Emily felt the familiar clawing in her stomach at the unwelcome memory of her magical accident. The accident that killed that helpless boy. The reason that Emily had excluded magic from her life. Until recently, that is. Hazel kept insisting that he would have died either way, but Emily had been overconfident. She happened to be passing a house that was fully engulfed in flames. The firemen were there already, but she’d stuck around to watch the cute men put out the fires. When one of the firemen came out with the half-burned little boy, Emily hadn't thought twice about trying to heal him with the spell she’d been practicing. She’d used too much magic, too fast and the boy died in her arms. It didn’t matter that he might have died. She hadn’t been able to pace herself and the boy paid with his life.

  She walked away from her magic that day, left in smoldering in the ashes of the little boy’s desiccated home.

  Ingrid spoke, pulling her out of her memory.

  “I’ll help you dispose of the ashes. We could get an urn and display her on our fireplace. It’ll be epic.”

  By the time they were back to the cars, they were laughing like drunk monkeys.

  “That was—”

  “Yeah, never again,” Emily said. “I’m just gonna learn to hex Autumn before she learns to hex us.”

  They were scrambling into clothes because they’d run back all the way naked.

  “Let’s hire a hit-hexer. Or we could hire the evil coven. It’s too cold to be prancing around with no clothes on. Man, only self-control kept me from seeing southern lady bits. I mean, what the front door? Maybe, maybe I’d get naked outside with my sheriff. But only because he’d be able to keep me warm. Those chicks were in it for the long haul. Outside. Cold. Naked. No men. What the front door again.”

  “Don’t forget my firefighter.”

  “I don’t want your firefighter. I want my sheriff. Your firefighter is a poor man’s sheriff.”

  “Wench.”

  “Whore.”

  They turned on their seat heaters and headed home to warm up with things like central heating, magical espresso, and robes.

  “Hag.”

  “Cow-Dove.”

  “Let’s go home.”

  13

  Wednesday Morning

  “I think you should know that this murder investigation is seriously screwing up both my nap schedule and my lusting after Sheriff Hotpants schedule,” Ingrid said as Emily opened the door and slid inside the Escalade.

  “What are you saying?” Emily leaned back in the car and closed her eyes. “What are we doing again?”

  “Do I have to keep track of everything?” Ingrid whined and then said, “We’re stealing a truth potion from Autumn. And then we’re dosing creepy gallery guy. What’s his name again?”

  “I don’t know. Doug, maybe,” Emily whined back. “When this is done, we need to go somewhere tropical. I will only pack swim suits.”

  “I’m planning on putting on some weight. I’m not sure I want to go to bikini country.”

  “Please, like you care if you match the skinny wenches who’ll be trotting around.”

  Ingrid swerved the SUV around some tourists on bicycles. She honked as she passed to see them jump because their skirts were too flow-y and florally. It made her feel like she’d been transported to hippie country. She preferred her tourists on another island.

  “Oh, yeah,” Ingrid said. “I don’t care, do I? Hey, by the way, I didn’t make my tai chi appointment with the hot-bendy-dove. I think I just need Gabe to move in. How many calories do you burn when you have sex?”

  “Probably enough to have chips for breakfast.” Emily slipped off her flip-flops and showed Ingrid her toes. “I added red French tips to the black polish. What do you think? Do the red tips look gothy or do they take off the hardcore edge?”

  “Emily, please. I already told you that you aren’t going to jail. I’m going to hire the creepy coven. As soon as I can find their number. Or gear up to speak to Saffron. She used to be part of creepy coven, so I bet we could pay her to help us get the hex off of us if Hazel won’t rescue us. Also, by the way, Saffron’s boobs were nicer than mine. That makes me sad in my heart. But hey, speaking of…” She lifted her foot off the gas, propped it on the dashboard of the car, and took a picture of her toes in the red strappy sandals.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Sending Gabe sexy pictures.”

  “Of your feet? Do you already know his fetishes? If you do, tell me more. Much, much more.”

  “No, my feet are pretty now. He should be thinking about them.” She twisted her foot over Emily’s lap before putting her foot back on the gas. They’d slowed almost to a stop and some random person behind them was honking. She waved at him as he sped by, flipping her off.

  “Some people,” Emily said. “But some people find feet gross. Maybe Hotpants does.”

&n
bsp; “My feet are pretty,” Ingrid said. Her phone buzzed, and she tossed it to Emily. “What’s it say?”

  “Why aren’t you just reading it?”

  “I’m being safe now. It might have been unwise to take a picture of my feet and sext it to Gabe while driving.”

  “Feet pictures are not sexting,” Emily said. “I should be able to confirm what is considered sexting as soon as I have dickhead’s phone from the police.”

  “Oh, man,” Ingrid said. “Can you imagine how many pictures of his junk dickhead sent those poor schmoes who slept with him? You excepted, of course. You were an idiot to marry him, but hey…we’re all stupid sometimes.”

  “I have a lack of faith in my judgment now.” Emily opened her bag to pull out a bag of chips. “Speaking of my lack of judgment, I find that I’m super snacky lately. Do you think I’m pregnant?”

  “Yeah, you probably shouldn’t trust yourself ever again after the doozy of marrying dickhead. We should set up a qualifying questionnaire. Like, could I imagine this person sleeping with my grandmother? Yes? Okay, don’t date him. Also, no, you aren’t pregnant. If you were, all those witch aunts of yours would tell you in that shocked way they have. With the eyebrows and pursed lips.”

  Emily tossed Ingrid a relieved look before she added, “Or could I imagine him sleeping with a teenager? Oh, okay, probably I should consider that a red flag. So Gabe says this is his work phone and then asks if you’re driving.”

  “What?” Ingrid scowled at Emily and then said, “Send him a picture of your goth feet.”

  “No, that’s super weird.”

  Ingrid thought for a moment before she nodded and said, “You’re probably right. Well, tell him that yes, I’m driving, so he’ll get that scowly face and I can imagine it. And then send him this.” She held up her hand with her middle finger extended.

  “Perfect,” Emily said. She took the picture and then Ingrid sped up her car until it was going 125 and took a picture of the odometer and sent that as well.

  Emily lifted the phone as it buzzed Gabe’s reply. “It’s a lecture. There are some curse words.”

  “Don’t read it. Tell him we’ll have to get back to him as we’re doing some breaking and entering for our investigation.”

  Emily cackled as she sent the reply.

  They left the phone in the car as they pulled into the driveway of Autumn’s house. “So where do you think they keep the truth potion?” Emily asked as they looked at the Queen Anne house with the wrap-around porch. “Do you think we should have parked somewhere else?”

  “Nah,” Ingrid waved off the concern and added, “Well, I keep my potions in the medicine cabinet.”

  “Me, too, so probably not there,” Emily said as they walked up to the door. “Do you know any lock spells?”’

  “Yes!” Ingrid raised a fist in the air and then did a shimmy dance. “I learned one in college when I was haunting my neighbors across the hall.”

  Emily’s laughter left her bent over her legs. “I forgot about that. My favorite was the bloody messages on the mirror.”

  “What did I do again?” Ingrid tapped her lips as she stared at the door.

  “Wasn’t there a knock?”

  “I’m thinking that wasn’t part of the spell. That was just me screwing with them in case they were there.”

  “Oh, yeah,”

  “Hey, this is Sage Island. Do you lock your doors?”

  Emily nodded her head.

  “Yeah, but you lived in Seattle.” Ingrid shrugged and reached out. The door was unlocked.

  “Perfect, ‘cause there was no way you were remembering that spell,” Emily said. “Like Aunt Hazel said, we’re super-the-worst witches.”

  “You’re super-the-worst.” Ingrid said. “I’m almost-the-worst, but I escape the worst because I totally know how to poison someone with belladonna,” Ingrid said as they walked inside, picking up the mail from the table by the front door as they passed it and flipping through the letters. She tossed them the stack down on the kitchen counter.

  “Think you should put it back where you found it? Also, anyone can kill someone with belladonna.”

  “No,” Ingrid scoffed. “They’re going to know we were here, do a spell, and then complain to the coven. It’s not like we’re hiding anything. We’re just taking the truth potion since she wouldn’t give it to us. Also, really? Anyone can kill with belladonna?”

  “Yes,” Emily mocked, opening the fridge and taking out a diet coke. “The serum is not in here. But they do have some good wine.”

  Ingrid’s brows rose and then she crossed to the fridge and poured herself a glass to sip as they wandered through the house.

  “Do you think that Autumn will hex us with the coven rules to protect us?”

  Ingrid handed Emily the glass to take a sip.

  “Probably. That is some good wine. They were most likely saving it for something,” Ingrid said. “I’m bored. Their house is actually clean everywhere. Who lives like this? Why don’t they have dirty laundry in the hallway? They’re making me feel like a slob. I’m hiring a maid right away.”

  Emily pointed up at an attic door with a string hanging down to pull open the stairs. She said as she pulled the string, “Feels right. Feels creepy and like I’m a witch in hiding and gotta keep my spells secret.”

  “Oh, yeah,” Ingrid nodded. “You go get it. She’s the type who labels her spells and keeps them alphabetically. I’m going to refill the wine.”

  Emily went up for the potion as Ingrid opened the doors to all the rooms. Even the kids’ rooms were neat.

  “Weird,” she said as she passed and then made her way down the kitchen where she filled up the gas and dropped a $50.00 dollar bill on the counter. She wondered what a truth spell went for and then added a $100.00.

  “You think that the cash will keep her from hexing us?” Emily asked as she entered the kitchen. “I took five. She has so many I think she really must dose her kids.”

  “Creepy. Gabe’s here. The cop lights are flashing and everything. I think we might get arrested.”

  “Oooh,” Emily said as Ingrid put a truth serum in between her breasts. “Kinky.”

  “You should probably actually hide the other ones better.” Ingrid said, glancing at the vials Emily still held.

  When they left the house, Gabe was leaning against his car. His face was set with two red circles on his cheekbones. Ingrid was pretty sure those were the rings of fury.

  “How’d you find me?” Ingrid asked, obviously adjusting the serum between her breasts.

  “I’m a cop, remember?” He held out a hand. She shook her head slowly and grinned at him.

  “I am not amused,” he said as she walked up to him, wrapped her arms around his waist and looked up at him through her lashes. She slowly blinked them at him once and then twice.

  “I probably shouldn’t tell you that I drank her wine then, huh?” She pressed up on her tiptoes and ran her teeth along his jaw. “Don’t you want to search me?” she asked as Emily got into the SUV and tossed the other serums casually beneath the passenger seat. He hadn’t even notice her sneaking them out of her back pockets.

  “Hey, clean it up out there,” Emily said. “There are kids coming up the street and some of us are unfortunately celibate.”

  “I’m celibate,” Ingrid pouted as she walked toward the SUV.

  Gabe grabbed her wrist and took her keys. He pulled her back against him and fished out the bottle from between her breasts. “Is this poison?”

  “It’s labeled, silly,” Ingrid said. “I told you we decided to solve this case ourselves. Or we’ll have to hire a coven to get Emily off, and honestly, that’s some dark magic and a bunny might get sacrificed. I’m not sure I want bunnies everywhere to hate me. So we need to save the bunnies and figure this out. Also that’s truth serum. You remember it.”

  “I am figuring this out,” Gabe said. His jaw was ticking.

  She looked up at him over her shoulder. The red circl
es of anger had not faded at all. He might be serious. He might be actually mad at her.

  Ingrid turned around and pressed her face against his chest as she said, “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I don’t trust the system.”

  “You mean you have no faith in my ability to find the real killer.”

  “Well, I like that you say real killer.”

  “Please, Emily would have a done a much worse job killing that dickhead than whoever did this,” Gabe said. His words were clipped, and he had not relaxed into her hug at all.

  He was mad at her. She grinned into his chest before forcing a serious expression to look up at him.

  “Oooh,” Ingrid said to Emily. “I’m pretty sure that he’s insulting us both. Since I would have helped you.” She turned back to Gabe and said, “I graduated at the top of my class. Emily did, too.”

  “Right.”

  “He doesn’t believe you,” Emily said. “You’ve spent too long being willfully lazy. Now you’ll never be anything else but the spoiled housewife and widow.”

  “Hey, I wasn’t that spoiled. I had to deal with the evil step-children and make Hungarian mushroom soup. I only like mushrooms on pepperoni pizza.”

  “You stole truth serum?” Gabe asked.

  “We’re totally going to get hexed for it, too,” Emily said. “Aunt Hazel will only fix it after she thinks we’ve learned our lesson.”

  Ingrid sighed dramatically. “Especially since we left the naked witch-fest in the woods early. That was creeptastic. It was boobs everywhere. I will never be able to look at one of them without picturing their boobs. Also, Hazel better not be too mean, or I’m going to be vicious for her birthday present.”

  “Wait, what?” Gabe’s head almost bounced between Ingrid and Emily as they spoke.

  “You think we’ll get acne?”

  “Nah, that’s a spell I can actually fix,” Ingrid said. “I can get rid of acne, make my liquid liner perfect, make my high heels comfortable and set things on fire. And coffee. I can do coffee.”