By the time I’d resided there for a couple of weeks I totally got what spurred Lily, Alfie, Rick Fars, and all other musicians, on. Once I knew how, playing music was incredibly addictive. As soon as my eyes opened in the morning, I’d lean over pulling my guitar onto the bed beside me to play.
I practised my scales first thing every morning, giving me a sense of routine, then I picked out all the riffs I had learned so far. After that I would play some songs, singing quietly. The sense of peace the music gave me was phenomenal.
I found myself grinning from ear to ear when I managed to play a song all the way through that actually sounded like music and not like a six year old that had been given a toy guitar for Christmas. I suddenly had a sense of pride in how far I had come.
Song writing was another particular strength of mine, maybe because of my journalism studies, although my lyrics never seemed to be romantic. I was more of a situational lyricist and tended to focus on world events and my feelings around them. Penning a score of music to match the words was easier than I imagined, but finding a melody that worked to lay over the words was a little harder for me.
Two months in and my skills had grown considerably. In fact, Graham had invited a couple of guys to listen to two of the songs I had written. I was too embarrassed to sing them, so another student that I had been partnered with sang them for me. Listening to Diane left me speechless. Her delivery of my little tunes to musicians who sang for a living was perfect and I couldn’t get past how smoothly the words and music blended together.
Finally, twenty weeks after I first met Graham and Beverly, the day came for me to leave my safe haven and step back into reality. After six months away, I had no idea what to expect upon my return to London, but I had gained a wealth of experience and was more in tune with my own identity.
Before I’d left I had given my parents the name and address of the retreat post office box, but as promised they hadn’t sent any mail. The reason I had told them was for emergencies only. They were as good as their promise and never contacted me so at least I knew nothing too urgent would be waiting for me.
If I was being honest, I felt apprehensive as I turned the key in my apartment lock and slowly pushed the door open. Everything looked the same; bare and spacious. My home hadn’t changed but I had. How had I changed? Well, for one thing I wasn’t starving all the time. I knew now that it was boredom that made me eat to fill the void. I hadn’t flirted or gotten laid in six months. Apart from Diane, who was an amazing girl but finalising a messy marriage, there was no one to flirt with, and lastly, I was now an unaccomplished musician/songwriter.
Staring in the hall mirror, I knew I looked better than I had in a long while. My appearance was a little rougher because my hair had grown and I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days, but personally, I felt the unshaven, casual look suited me better. I was stress free and had boundless energy. Fifteen pounds lighter in weight, I could concede that I looked and felt super fit. With that and my couldn’t-care-less attitude, I felt like I was on top of the world.
Wandering over to my desk I saw my answerphone was full. I hesitated before pressing the play button; I didn’t want to spoil my new found centred life. Eventually I did and sat down on the sofa to listen. Familiar voices flooded the room and my heart reacted to each and every one of them. I felt the strings of my heart being pulled in all different directions. The effect of hearing them again for the first time in a long time caused a lump to form in my throat.
Dave: Hello! It’s Saturday, are you back yet? I hope so, I fucking missed you, mate.
Emily: Hi, Jack, we’re having tapas on Sunday evening if you want to join us. Give me a call. Missed you.
Sam: Jack? You there? Fuck, when do you come home again? Tell me and I’ll pick you up from the airport.
Laughing I shook my head in disbelief at Sam’s message, doubting that I could even begin to explain the flaws in Sam’s logic.
Mum: Oh, goodness. You aren’t home yet. Ring me when you get home. Your dad and I missed you so much.
The anguish in my mother’s voice made me feel terrible that I had gone and left her in the first place. I wasn’t left to my thoughts for long as the next message started.
Lily: Call me when you get home. I’m worried. Why didn’t you go and see Rosie, Jack?
Joe Crawley: All right now that you’ve got all that hippie shit out of your system perhaps you’re ready do some work now. Call Linda, you’re seat has to be booked for the Rock Fest event next weekend. Schedule some time for a catch up, a lot has happened in six months.
Joe was my editor and I almost called him back right away, but for once I did the right thing. Normally Lily would have been my first call, but during my time away from her, I’d gained a more objective view of how our behaviour might affect other people, namely Rosie and Alfie.
As much as I loved Lily, continuing our relationship as it stood when I’d left seemed very wrong. Behaving risqué with each other when we were young and single was one thing, doing it to the extent we still were, when we had both had partners was just wrong and disrespectful.
Punching the numbers into my phone, I placed the phone to my ear and heard the connection click before the sound of the call ringing.
“Jack! Thank goodness.”
My mum was suddenly crying hysterically and I felt a huge pang of guilt again for leaving her without any real way of communicating with me. Choked with emotion, my dad took over but I could hear him struggle to maintain the conversation as well. I found myself tearing up at the sound of their voices and I’d thought about how I’d needed to do better by them, they weren’t getting any younger.
With my new outlook on living and being in tune with my feelings, it was clear to me how selfish a person I had been. Even though I had gone to ‘find myself’ I hadn’t really considered the effect it would have on others, especially my parents.
Dave was my next call and he sounded genuinely happy that I was home. He wanted to come over there and then, but I needed a day to get myself together. I worked my way through the people who had called, making sure I spent enough time talking to them, they were, after all, the ones who seemed to miss me the most.
Lily was the only one I never called. Her message was odd and the subject of her call, Rosie, was very much on my mind. After spending months writing songs concerned with political statements than with prose, towards the end of my time, my lyrics about missing Rosie began to flow from my pen. It was through the lyrics that I came to realise how much I truly missed her.
Needing some comfort, I slid between the sheets of my own bed feeling both incredibly tired and lonely. During my time on the retreat I had begun thinking more and more about Rosie and less about Lily. Glancing at the clock, I noted that it was only ten to nine; it wasn’t too late to call her. Just the thought of speaking to her made me nervous, I’d never felt like that with her before. Six months was a hell of a long time not to speak to an ex-girlfriend, let alone call her out of the blue to see how she was doing. I could only hope that I wasn’t ripping open the scars that had started to heal.
Rosie loved me, I knew that without a doubt and I also knew from the way my mind seemed to wander to her, that not only did I miss her, but I actually loved her as well. Pity it took trekking to the top of a mountain to make me realise that. Being away from home, I had felt with each passing day that my heart ached more and more for her. Hesitating, I tapped my phone against my chin, contemplating whether I should risk opening old wounds and also wondering if this was a selfish act. I was sure that I had made a huge mistake in letting her go and it was only right she knew this, even if she didn’t feel the same.
A huge part of me was worried about how she would feel hearing from me after all that time, but if there was a chance she’d take me back I had to try. Finding my courage, I scrolled through my contacts and pressed on her name. Taking in a deep breath, I readied myself and pressed the call button. I held that breath and waited nervously for the call to
connect.
Chapter 16 ~ Gutted
When Rosie’s line started to ring my heart jumped into my mouth. Its wild beat matching my excitement at the thought of hearing her voice and telling her how I felt after all that time. The longer I waited for her to answer, the more wired and excited I became.
“Yes?”
I was taken aback by Rosie’s abrupt greeting as if she had no idea who was calling. She had to have known it was me, she knew my number off by heart. I couldn’t help but snigger at her dismissive reaction because I deserved that and more after everything I’d put her through.
“Hi Rosie, I just wanted to tell you I’m home, sweetheart.”
An unexpected silence hung between us until eventually Rosie responded with a slight brush off. Her voice sounded a little too high pitched in surprise to be genuine.
“Oh right. Thanks for letting me know.”
Huh? I didn’t exactly expect a welcome mat but I wasn’t prepared for that either. Feeling awkward, I tried to reach out to her again and tell her how I felt.
“Um, I missed you when I was away. How are you doing?”
The low timbre of a slightly irritated male voice interrupted our conversation.
“Where did you go? What’s taking you so long out here?”
My heart sunk like a stone to the pit of my stomach and almost stopped in shock, before a deep seated rage began to build up inside of me. Rosie was with another man. Flattened at hearing someone else in my shoes, I had no idea what to say next.
My beautiful Rosie had moved on, that was my reward for the shoddy way I had treated her. All the time I had wasted thinking the grass was greener elsewhere had cost me what I then thought was probably the only girl I had ever loved in a non-platonic way.
“Sorry, Jack. I have to go, I have company right now, I can’t talk. Can we do this another time?”
Awkward wasn’t the word for how I was feeling by then. It was out of character for Rosie to dismiss anyone, but there was little doubt in my mind that was exactly what was happening to me. And for the second time. Serves me right, I’ve been the biggest arse to her.
“Sure, of course, sorry, Rosie. I’ll leave it with you then. Give me a call if you want to go for a drink or something.”
Rosie abruptly ended the call but not before I recognised the barely disguised tension in her voice. I hung up feeling totally deflated. How could we get back together now?
But what did I really expect? I had been away for six months. Did I think that she’d be sitting by the fire with a book waiting for me? Maybe. Had I been so presumptuous as to think she’d still love me and would take me back again? I started to question whether I’d actually learned anything about myself in my time away. Everything I am as a person got switched up while I was away, she didn’t know that yet. I wondered how I could make her listen with the cold vibe I got from the tone of her voice? A feeling of panic took me over. Six months without contact and I was too late. She was over me and would never see the changes I had made.
I was deep in thought, distracted by the effect the call had on me that I hadn’t realised the doorbell had rung, it was only when it rang again that the first buzz sunk in. I made my way to the door but I wasn’t in the mood for company and prayed to God it wasn’t Sam. Out of everyone I knew, he was the last person I felt I could have coped with at that moment.
Dave grinned, holding up a brown paper carrier bag full of Chinese food.
“Dinner is served,” he announced loudly.
I wasn’t hungry at all. The old Jack would have inhaled the bag of food within seconds; the new Jack couldn’t stomach the thought of eating at that moment. Pushing his way past me he wandered into the kitchen and laid the takeaway on the counter before turning around and grabbing me in a bear hug.
“Come the fuck here, Jack. I missed your ugly face. You look like shit, as usual.”
Dave squeezed me firmly and I knew his greeting was entirely genuine. Stepping back he smirked and shook his head as he appraised me from head to toe. He grinned wickedly but was obviously happy at having me back. It felt good to know that he’d missed me.
“Well, well, well, Jack my man, the women of London won’t know what the fuck to do with you now. You’re better looking than when you left. You’ve just made ‘longer hair and scruff in an English gentleman’, a new trend, Jack. Best be careful, I might give you my number as well.”
I chuckled and slapped Dave’s back. We walked into the kitchen and I slid the takeaway bag across the counter. Even though I had put him off coming, I was pleased to see him.
“After six months of celibacy, Dave, you might just find you get lucky if you do. I believe I have the strength in my right arm now to match Roger Federer’s.”
Cracking up with laughter at my tennis player analogy, Dave shook his head at me again.
“Fuck. See, I missed that Jack, the funny, insulting arse who has a quick line on the tip of his tongue for anything that’s thrown at him. I take it you didn’t find a little hottie on your travels and shag yourself senseless then? Oh wait, that statement would imply you had some sense in the first place.”
Laughing at his own joke, Dave shrugged his jacket off, hung it over one of my kitchen chairs and leaned his elbows on the counter with his hands clasped in front of him.
“Not even a blow job?”
“Nope, not one. No women in the last six months. My right hand and I have been totally monogamous.”
What I didn’t say was it damn near killed me, and I was sure I had tennis elbow. I lifted my hand and talked to it as if it were going to reply.
“Isn’t that right, darling?”
I stared back at Dave’s gaping mouth and leaned over the counter, clamping it shut with my finger. I started to unpack the takeaway containers from the bag before I continued.
“Mindless fucking won’t do it for me anymore, Dave. I’ve got it all figured out in my head now. I don’t want to be ‘Jack the lad’ any more. Jack the man has finally arrived and he knows exactly what he wants.”
Dave looked intrigued and straightened up with his hands on the counter, obviously surprised by my statement.
“Seriously? And that ‘want’ would be what, exactly?”
Dishing the noodles onto two plates, I threw the empty carton back in the bag and licked the stray sauce on my fingers before meeting his scrutinising gaze.
“Rosie.”
For the second time in as many minutes I was staring at the inside of Dave’s mouth. His jaw looked like it was dislocated as he stared at me in disbelief. He started pacing back and forth behind the counter, raking his hands through his hair before he stopped and looked me square in the eye.
“Jesus H. What the fuck is it with you? Between you and Lily’s love lives I’m at a loss at times. Talk about drama and angst? I hate to tell you this, Jack, but I think you’ve missed the boat with Rosie. I saw her a few months ago with a guy ten times better looking than you, and she was actually smiling again.”
“Who is he? What’s his name? How did she meet him?”
Dave put his hands up in defence of my rapid questions.
“Whoa! I don’t know. I just saw them coming up Kings Street near the hospital when I was at Accident and Emergency. I’d taken a colleague there who had fractured his ankle on the stairs at work.”
“You haven’t talked to her since I left? She hasn’t been over to see Emily or Sam?”
“Nope, apart from that sighting, I’ve not seen or heard from Rosie since the day you dumped her.”
Dave’s assessment of how I’d treated Rosie at the end smarted and I could feel frustration building up inside, I was going to lose my temper with him really soon.
“I didn’t dump her, Dave. It wasn’t like that. I let her go because I didn’t think she was the love of my life. I couldn’t let her waste any more time with me. Now I know how wrong I was about that, but I didn’t dump her.”
“Yup, you did, Jack. Don’t try to sugar coat it. You cam
e back from that assignment and after Lily’s…whatever, you walked away from her and none of us have seen her since. I stood by your decision because you’re my friend. It’s your life and you have the right to decide what you want, but don’t try to make it sound less than it was. You cut all ties with her and she lost all of us because we were your friends first.”
“Damn. I never meant for her not to have anyone. I miss her being around too. Why are relationships so fucking complicated?” I groaned angrily.
All Rosie had done was love me and I hadn’t been fair to her. Acting the way I did with Lily must have been humiliating for her, and then for me to cast her aside because I thought I was the most important person in all of that was downright shameful.
“And after all that, you want to go to Rosie and say what? Hey, maybe I was a little hasty about us? Let’s give it another go and see if I feel differently about you this time? She’s moved on, she’s happy from what I saw, leave well enough alone, Jack. Rosie’s a lovely girl; she doesn’t need to be messed with any further. You had your shot and you fucked it up.”
Dave thankfully changed the subject when he tucked into the food like he hadn’t seen any in a while and commented that my appetite had changed. He excused my poor eating due to not getting laid and consoled me that my love of food would return once I started ‘riding’ again. Dave definitely had a way with words when it came to having sex.
When he’d started to fill me in on all our friends news I felt annoyed that Lily had been over three times and I’d missed her. He’d said she was coming over again in August for an extended stay but he only had half the story because he’d forgotten to ask what the occasion was.
Being the great friend he was, it wasn’t long before Dave found a bottle three quarters full of gin in my kitchen cupboard and was soon helping me drown my sorrows. Another thing I’d learned was that I was a very cheap drunk due to my self-imposed abstinence from alcohol.
Just Jack: Everything laid bare Page 12