Dave squinted at me and with a slightly inebriated voice said, “So I guess you got over your little Lily crush while you were away.”
Thinking back to how I felt six months prior, I never protested that I didn’t have feelings for her. My feelings were all over the place when I’d split from Rosie, so I could very well have been looking for a safe place to give my heart and Lily was the safest person I knew I could trust to handle it.
“Yeah, I suppose if that’s what was happening, but I think I was more fucked-up than I realised. I guess my emotional state is more settled because I haven’t even tried to ring her yet.”
Once the bottle of gin was finished, I sent Dave to the spare room as I headed to bed. I stared up at the ceiling and my mind replayed my call with Rosie and how familiar that guy’s voice was with her. All I knew was since hearing her voice and how she’d responded to me, I had to accept that she was over us. I’d lost out big time and had no one to blame but myself. I had to make it easier for her by staying away so that she could get on with her life.
Sleep just wouldn’t come no matter how exhausted stepping back into my real life had made me. No matter which way I looked at things, I’d made a proper arse of what may possibly have been the most important relationship in my life. I’d heard people say that, ‘sometimes one has to lose something before the significance of it is fully understood’, and that couldn’t be truer right then. I was too immature to understand the significance of what I had at the time and I was paying for it then.
Chapter 17 ~ Bump
Stretching out like a star on my king size mattress felt incredible after my single bed at the retreat. Graham and Beverley had been amazing and accommodating hosts, but their lumpy mattresses definitely needed replacing. I bet the one I slept on had been there since they first opened twenty five years before. I shuddered as I thought about who and how many had slept on it before me. I spent a lot of time napping on their rope hammock during my breaks because of my lack of sleep in that bed.
Dave had left by the time I had gotten out of bed the following morning but had left a note.
Time to get back in the saddle. Tonight, Ministry of Sound, just you and me. I’ll even be your wingman. Your need is greater than mine.
Chuckling softly at Dave’s note I wandered over to my desk. It felt strange pressing the button on my laptop after all that time and seeing the familiar wallpaper of my desktop. It was a picture of the whole group, including Lily, her band, her friend,s Holly, Brett, Mandy and Neil, as well as Alfie and his band. It was taken during a night out when we were all together in Florida shortly after Lily’s graduation.
Bloody hell time flies, it had been just over a year ago and a huge amount of drama had happened for the group of people staring back at me from the screen. When I opened Skype I saw that there were eight missed calls from Lily that had ranged in time from the afternoon before and three that morning. I had deleted the Skype app on my phone to stop me from getting side-tracked when I was working. Glancing at my wristwatch I noted that it was only eleven in the morning so would be six in Florida where she currently was according to her messages.
Figuring she would still be asleep I typed a reply to say that I’d missed her tremendously and that I’d catch up with her later. As soon as I pressed send the round icon featuring her face came up with the familiar Skype ringtone.
I scrubbed my face with my hand suddenly unsure of what we were going to say to each other. We had been through so much together but six months apart was a long time. A part of me was apprehensive about getting too close to her again because of the feelings I had right before I went away whilst the other just wanted to talk to my best friend.
Plucking up courage I answered the call and Lily’s gorgeous but perplexed face filled my screen.
“Well? Put your bloody camera on Jack. I’ve missed you and I can’t see your handsome face.”
I clicked on the camera icon and heard her breath catch before her face broke into the most beautiful smile. Her eyes searched the screen, she had obviously noticed the differences in my appearance.
“Jack! You look incredible. You are even more handsome than you were before you left. I love the longer hair and the scruff! It’s almost criminal how hot you look. No guy should look that stunning that’s not on my arm. I may have to abandon Alfie and get the first flight home.”
I was unsure of how to reply, I didn’t want to fall into the same pattern of behaviour as before, but this was Lily and I didn’t want to upset her either so I flirted back in a subtle and appropriate way.
“Hmm, I think Mr. Black would be sending his ‘Men in Black’ to deal with me if you did, but it’s a great thought thank you, Lily, you look stunning as usual. It’s great to see you again.”
Lily asked me what I’d been doing and I told the bit about my detox retreat. I didn’t lie to her but she’d assumed that’s what I’d been doing all of this time and I never once corrected her. We spoke for a few minutes about her band and what was going on with Alfie before her face took on an intense stare.
“Jack, does Rosie know you are back? You really should call her.”
And there it was—the one thing that would put a dampener on my mood during our first conversation in half a year.
“I already did, Lily.”
“You have?”
“I just said so didn’t I? Don’t you believe me?”
I’d sounded irritated and Lily tucked her hair behind her ears looking a little embarrassed that she’d questioned me. She began to chew the side of her mouth like she did when she was worried about something, so I sighed and softened my face.
“Lily, I called her before I left on your suggestion and I called her yesterday afternoon when I got back. Both times she brushed me off. Besides, yesterday she had her new guy with her and according to Dave it’s been going on for a few months, if it’s the same guy. Why are you so hung up on this?”
Lily nodded slowly, confusing the shit out of me. If she knew all of that why was she pushing me to speak to Rosie in the first place? Lily leaned back in her chair and tried to press the point again.
“Jack, I just think you two still need to talk. It doesn’t matter who else is in the frame, you really need to make the effort to make peace with her. I’m talking as your friend here.”
By that point Lily was annoying me, but that was her all over, she was always the peacemaker. Growing up, she wanted everything in her world to be rainbows, unicorns and fluffy clouds. She always saw the best in everyone when the reality was quite often the complete opposite, as was the case for Rosie and me. She had a guy in tow, there was no way I was going to fuck it up for her after skipping out and messing her about the way I had, Lily would just have to like it or lump it.
“Leave it, Lily. I offered her an opportunity to meet for a drink, so the ball is in her court. I’m not going to force the issue. Anyway, I’m back to work tomorrow and I’m off on assignment on Thursday so my week, apart from tonight, is fully booked. I’ll have research to do and there is a stack of other stuff to catch up on before I can even think about relationships and having a social life again.”
Changing the subject, I spoke to her about Rick Fars’ band, Cobham Street, because we were going to be meeting up at the festival at the end of the week. Lily was quite tight with Rick and she allowed me to steer her away from the subject of Rosie.
I had another interview scheduled with Rick as his band had just released yet another album. The guy was a machine, but his constant success meant I got to go and spend time with him and his bandmates quite regularly. I’d interviewed him a couple of times before Lily met him, but since her friendship with him had blossomed, and because of my relationship with her, he treated me more as the friend I’d become, rather than Jack Cunningham, music reporter.
When my phone rang, I had to finish my call with Lily, Joe, my editor at the magazine was calling and I knew it wouldn’t be a two minute conversation. Even then Lily had to have the last wo
rd about Rosie.
“Do yourself a favour Jack, call Rosie.”
It was like she had this sixth sense about my feelings and I hadn’t even discussed my thoughts over the last few months about Rosie with her.
“Talk to you later, Lily.”
“Tomorrow. Ring me tomorrow, Jack, promise.”
Lifting the phone towards my face, I hit the green icon to accept Joe’s call.
“Just a sec Joe. I’ll speak to you then, Lily.”
Turning the Skype call off I opened my organiser in readiness to receive Joe’s instructions.
“Lily? Lily Parnell?”
“Yeah, my Lily.”
“Fuck, she’s the cutest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”
“There will be no use of the word laid in the same sentence as Lily while I am around.”
Joe chuckled heartily.
“Lily and laid in the same sentence equals fantasy in my book.”
I made a growling noise down the phone to which he laughed out loud before coughing. He did this thing where his laugh made a kind of deflated-coming-down-sound into normal conversation speech.
“So, festival on Thursday, you all set?”
“Not really apart from knowing I’m going. How many days is it? Do I have onsite accommodation or do I take a tent? What’s the deal?”
“Two days, no tent, no onsite accommodation. Rick Fars has you covered. You’re staying at the Hilton with the band.”
“No shit? Really?”
“Yes, Rick wants to talk to you about chronicling their tour or something.”
In the past Rick had made plenty of references to me going on tour with them but I always thought that was an alcohol induced idea. The kind of thing someone says when they’re drunk and it can conveniently be forgotten in the sober light of day.
I was more than excited at the thought of touring with Cobham Street. It would be just the pick me up I needed to try to get over Rosie. Not that I wanted to forget her, just that I had to. She had moved on and was happy, according to Dave.
For the next forty five minutes Joe fed me information about the festival I would be attending, from bands to research, personal information I needed, and who to avoid being in the same room as. Eventually Joe had given me all the details necessary that made it look like I knew what I was doing. I was glad he was so thorough.
Following my calls, I did some necessary but very mundane stuff, like going food shopping and stopping by my favourite tailor’s. I took three suits to be altered because the trousers fell off me when I’d tried them on. I’d gone down two sizes and my jackets looked like they had belonged to my dad. Zachery, my tailor, told me they would be ready in forty-eight hours. I doubted many people get that kind of service in London from an old school tailor.
Leaving the Saville Row shop in Mayfair, I made my way up to Bar 45 for a bite to eat and to find out the latest on bands. A lot of the reporters hung out there and I had a few contacts who worked at the bar, they would overhear gossip so I usually got the information before it hit the wire.
Walking into the bar, the last person I expected to see sitting there was Rosie. It had been our favourite place to eat, but I never expected that she’d be here on her own. Shocked was the only word I could use to describe the look on her face when she saw me walk through the door. I highly doubted mine looked any different to hers.
We were in the same place, she had no option but to speak to me. When I wandered over to her table she stayed seated, looking radiant in a loose fitting purple dress and black patent flats. She’d put on some weight but it suited her. She was simply stunning. I couldn’t take my eyes off her but she looked uncomfortable, it was then I realised that she was probably meeting her guy at the bar and I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
Placing all my feelings for her to one side, I couldn’t let her feel awkward about my untimely arrival which was obviously going to scupper her lunch plans.
“Hey, Rosie. How are you doing, sweetheart?” I asked crouching down beside her.
I’d kissed her lightly on the cheek and when I’d pulled back to look at her, I saw that her eyes were brimming with tears. My heart squeezed at how my presence had upset her and I placed a hand on her arm in reassurance.
“Oh, hey. No, Rosie.”
Pulling a chair close from another table I’d sat next to her. My arm instantly wrapped around her shoulder and I pulled her into me to comfort her. Kissing her temple, I’d tried to soothe her but it only upset her more and a strangled sounding sob escaped from her lips. Seeing her like that made me feel even shittier than I had when we’d broke up.
“Please don’t cry, Rosie. I hate seeing you cry. It’s all right. Everything’s going to be all right.” I cooed in a soft tone, desperately wanting to make her feel better.
A dark shadow cast over us at the table and when I’d looked up, a huge guy with mousy brown hair in a smart tailored suit spoke to me.
“Rosie knows everything is going to be all right. We’ve talked about it often enough. You’re Jack, I presume? Don’t you think you’ve done enough to Rosie? Now if you don’t mind, I think you need to back off, Rosie’s happy now and that’s down to me, so we’d be grateful if you left us both to get on with our life together.”
Shit, on the one hand I was glad Rosie had someone who wanted to protect her, but on the other I was pissed off that he thought she needed protecting from me.
Rosie glanced up at her guy with a small smile and he reached out to wipe a tear from her cheek. Taking her hand, he began to help her out of the chair.
“Come on, darling, let’s go somewhere else.”
Rosie began to stand and her guy put a protective arm around her waist. She pulled her jacket around her belly, if she hadn’t done that it probably wouldn’t have taken my attention away from his hand. My eyes were drawn to the front of her dress and that’s when I saw it—a neat little bump. Rosie was pregnant and by the looks of things was about four or five months. No wonder she didn’t want to talk to me. She was having someone else’s baby.
“Rosie and I are leaving now,” he barked and turned towards the door.
I slid out of the leather seat and stood face to face with Rosie, I could feel her breath on my cheek.
“You know where I am if you want to talk. Call me.” What else could I say? Have a nice life?
Rosie remained silent as her boyfriend ushered her from the restaurant, his hand resting on the small of her back in a protective gesture. All I could do was watch with a gaping hole in my heart, willing her to turn around so I could see her one last time. Just as they were about through the door, Rosie’s head turned in my direction. I kicked myself for watching her because the look she gave me will haunt me forever.
Chapter 18 ~ Back in the saddle
I was devastated. Everything Rose and I had had was gone. I was so shocked when I’d seen that she was having a baby, it was the last thing I expected. My thoughts of convincing her to take me back suddenly became impossible. We were irretrievable. No second chance and no discussion. Anything we were together had to be left in the past. There was no opportunity to rake over the coals and find any passion from the embers that had been burning inside me during my months of solitude.
Rosie was building another life that I had no place in. She’d given me her heart and I hadn’t realised how precious it was. In fact, I’d trampled on it and it was my turn to feel the full impact of my decisions.
I wanted to apologise but I knew at that stage apologies would mean nothing and would sound hollow given that she was carrying another man’s child. No wonder I’d become an inconvenience on the phone. Maybe she’d even begun to see me as a nuisance. All I seemed to be doing was disrupting the harmony she had with her new boyfriend. Suddenly my emotions caught up and cut through the shock, I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of the bar as it taunted me with memories of happier times.
When I was safely in a cab, I asked the cabbie to take me to Dave’s place. Given the
mood I was in, if I went home I felt I’d do something rash, like call Lily and give her a telling-off for making me see Rosie in the first place.
Texting ahead to Dave, I’d asked him to be ready to help me drown my sorrows, maybe not in so many words but I gave him the heads up there was some heavy drinking to be done that evening.
Me: On my way. Need to get pissed in a hurry, be prepared for the worst kind of drinking session. I’m on my way.
Two minutes later Dave replied.
Dave: Rosie said no?
As I replied my thumbs moved quickly across the keyboard and my temper rose as I replied.
Me: Rosie said never. New guy and pregnant.
Less than thirty seconds Dave replied.
Dave: Holy fuck I’m sorry, Jack. Damn, pregnant? No wonder she’s not been around. See you in a mo.
Dave was already at the kerb when we’d pulled up and he climbed into the back of the cab.
“Soho,” he called out to the driver as he sat back heavily in the seat beside me.
The taxi driver did a U-turn throwing us both off balance for a moment and begun to retrace his journey back into the centre of town.
“Jack, I’m in charge. No arguments. Leave it to me to arrange your wake. Soho has the best Chinese food, tits and arse are aplenty and we’re two single, hot guys. I know it’s the last thing you’ll want to do but you’re going have the time of your life and you’ll be worshiping at my feet with gratitude by the end of the night. I won’t hear any lovesick shit or I’ll punch you unconscious and put you out of your misery, got it?”
He was right. The last thing I’d wanted was another meaningless one night stand, but... I didn’t even feel like I could’ve fought for her. I had no choice. There was no going back for Rosie and me. Dave was right and that was my wake, it was as if Rosie had died as far as I was concerned. I wasn’t sure how the night was going to end but one thing I was sure of, I had to push through the pain even though all I’d wanted to do was lay down and die. I was miserable but Dave was in charge and I had no energy to argue with him.
Just Jack: Everything laid bare Page 13