Penelope

by Rebecca Harrington

  “It’s out of paper,” said Penelope. She frantically opened and closed the paper drawer. “Oh, shoot! This can’t really be happening! How is it possible that we are out of paper?”

  “Not to worry,” said Gustav.

  He ran out the door and leaped up several stairs. Penelope started sweating a little. It was 11:55.

  Gustav came back three minutes later with a swath of loose-leaf paper.

  “Here,” he said, handing it to Penelope. “Load it into one of the trays.”

  Penelope did. “Where did you find this paper?” asked Penelope.

  “I stole it from the other computer lab upstairs,” said Gustav.

  “That was good thinking,” said Penelope.

  “Well, I pride myself on quick reflexes,” said Gustav. By the time they finished printed out their country reports, it was 12:01.

  “Hurry,” said Gustav. “We have to run to his box. It’s on the third floor, and we are already late. I am sure he is standing there, mentally categorizing us as delinquents. He would probably put us on a boat to Australia without a second thought.”

  When they got upstairs, Jared was indeed standing outside his box. Penelope looked at the clock. It was 12:05.

  “Just in time, guys,” said Jared. “At 12:07, I was going to stop accepting country reports and you would have automatically got a failing grade, or at least a full-letter markdown, so congratulations, because you avoided that. I look forward to reading these. I really do. I hope you two learned a lot. I feel like I’m going to learn a lot.”

  “Yeah,” said Penelope. “I learned a lot about forestry. Maybe I want to go into it as a career.”

  “What?” said Jared.

  “Oh, nothing,” said Gustav. “She’s just delirious.” He kicked her in the shin.

  “I hope you both didn’t pull an all-nighter. You guys should have been working on this steadily since you got the assignment.”

  “Of course we didn’t pull an all-nighter,” said Gustav.

  “Have you gotten your e-mail fixed?” Jared asked Penelope.

  “Almost. I have been really busy,” said Penelope. “I am in this play.”

  “What play?” asked Jared.

  “Caligula,” said Penelope.

  “Oh my God. I love Caligula,” said Jared. “It’s my favorite play.”

  “This production is very experimental,” said Penelope.

  “I love experimental theater. Do you have a big part?”

  “It’s very small,” said Penelope. “I am just a guard, and I am reading a senator’s part until they find a replacement.”

  “I look forward to seeing it,” said Jared.

  Penelope hoped this was an empty threat.

  “We really should be going,” said Gustav.

  Penelope waved at Jared.

  “Bye,” she said.

  They walked down the stairs.

  “Darling, I know, intimately, how truly tired you are, but you must try to keep it together in front of authority figures. Let me walk you back to Pennypacker.”

  “Really? You don’t have to,” said Penelope. “Where do you live?”

  “In Adams House. It’s on my way, really. Plus, I have a duty to you, as a fellow soldier in the trenches.”

  “Thanks,” said Penelope.

  They walked for a while. It was searing cold and very gray. It had snowed two nights before, but it hadn’t snowed very much and rained soon afterward, so the remainder of the snow had frozen and now lay rather dirtily and unevenly all over the Yard. Penelope, as was her custom, was wearing illogical shoes for the occasion.

  “Ah, the beauties of nature,” said Gustav.

  “I hate nature,” said Penelope. Her feet were freezing.

  “What a charming sentiment! It does run in opposition to your fascination with forestry, but I am sure most things do. Penelope, can I ask you a question? What are you going to do today?”

  “Well,” said Penelope. “Maybe I will sleep.”

  “That is a given. But after that. What is a typical day in the life?”

  “OK. After I sleep, I will wake up. Maybe I will watch a DVD.”

  “Watch a DVD? What DVD?”

  “It varies,” said Penelope.

  “I think you should become more involved in extracurricular activities,” said Gustav.

  “That is what my mother says,” said Penelope.

  They were at the door of Pennypacker. Some of the kids who worked at the radio station were talking on the path nearby. They were all wearing stupid hats, and, momentarily, Penelope felt embarrassed. Gustav turned toward her.

  “Well, I should be off. Have to sleep and everything. Might even study. The semester is drawing to a close.”

  “OK,” said Penelope.

  “I think you should get a drink with me tonight,” said Gustav.

  “OK,” said Penelope.

  “Didn’t I invite you out for a drink before Thanksgiving?”

  “Oh, you did?” said Penelope.

  “I texted you about it. After Harvard-Yale.”

  “Oh, really? I don’t know,” said Penelope.

  “You might have Alzheimer’s. Curious. Meet me at ten p.m. at Daedalus? The second floor. You do know where that is, I trust.”

  “I will Wikipedia it,” said Penelope.

  “Such a resourceful girl! See you then.”

  “Bye,” said Penelope. She walked up the stairs in a daze. She couldn’t sleep at all when she got to her room.

  Penelope felt that “going to drinks” definitively qualified as a date. It was also a date of a foreign and mysterious kind. Penelope had never “gotten a drink” before. She had gotten coffee once, with her boyfriend who had the lisp that only she could hear. That was not very romantic, as they talked about the Olympics the entire time, which was Penelope’s least favorite televised event.

  When Penelope was walking up to Daedalus later that evening, she got a call from Ted. She briefly considered letting it go to voice mail, but instead she picked it up.

  “Hello,” said Ted. “Do you want to come over? Mike and Nikil are playing a board game and I don’t want to play. How did the country report go?”

  “Oh, pretty well,” said Penelope. “I had to stay up all night.”

  “You did? That sucks! Did you sleep today?”

  “A little,” said Penelope.

  “You should tell me all about it when you get here.” Penelope could hear Catherine’s voice in the background. “Who is that?” she was asking.

  “Oh, gee,” said Penelope. “I really would but I can’t tonight.”

  “What, are you serious? You can’t come over? That’s ridiculous, you can always come over. You never do anything.”

  “I do sometimes,” said Penelope.

  “Why are you talking in that weird voice? Are you going out with that Argentinean guy?”

  “Yes, in fact,” said Penelope. “We are going to get a drink.”

  “Well, he should know better than to take a freshman to a bar and get her drunk. You don’t even have a fake. I think that’s kind of ridiculous.”

  “I don’t think so,” said Penelope.

  “Well, have a good time, if you can even get a drink at all,” said Ted.

  “OK, I will.” Penelope closed her phone. She was in front of the bar.

  Penelope was nervous now. Ted was always very discouraging when he discovered things about her romantic life. Nevertheless, she walked inside Daedalus. There was no one at the door checking for ID, which was lucky. The downstairs was taken up by a large wooden bar filled with an intimidating number of alcoholic beverages. A bartender eyed her suspiciously. Penelope hurried up the stairs to the second floor. She looked around. It seemed empty. She wondered if she had come to the right place.

  “Penelope, darling,” Gustav yelled from behind her. “Why, we thought you would never come!”

  Penelope turned around. Gustav was sitting in a booth with three other people. Two of them were men and
one of them was Bitty, whom Gustav had his arm around. One guy looked like a tiny version of a 1930s movie star. The other had a ruddy, bony face, long limbs like a rower, and tight blond curls. Penelope had a strong desire to pretend she hadn’t seen them and walk out. She made her way backward slowly.

  “Come over here! I hope you are not still exhausted!” said Gustav. Penelope could not escape now. She walked over to the booth, but there was no obvious room for her. The 1930s movie star got up and moved a spare chair to the head of the booth, as befitting the gallantry of the decade in which he was born. Penelope sat down.

  “Where have you been, darling? I was just telling Bitty that I was about to invoke the law,” said Gustav.

  “Oh. I thought you said ten o’clock,” said Penelope, who took off her jacket.

  “Did I? I must have done. But you do forget these things after a couple of scotch and sodas. What do you want to drink?”

  “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I will have a scotch and soda too?”

  “I am sure that is the opposite of what you want. I will get you something else.”

  “OK,” said Penelope.

  Gustav got up from the table and ambled over to the bar. He was wearing a green velvet smoking jacket. The table resumed the conversation it must have been having before Penelope got there.

  “Didn’t you think the way those girls acted at the party on Friday was a little ridiculous? It pains me to say it of Bee girls, but I think they didn’t have enough respect for our club, and it really offended me,” said Rower.

  “What did they do?” said Bitty, righteously indignant. She was wearing a black turtleneck sweater with pearls over the neck of the sweater.

  “They just acted a little too comfortable in the clubhouse. Do you know what I mean?”

  “I do,” said Bitty. “I know exactly what you mean.”

  “You just can’t just go up to the second floor and like sit on the furniture like that. It’s someone’s house,” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star, who was wearing a tiny suit jacket over a tiny polo shirt.

  “It’s your house!” said Bitty. “Well, it’s your clubhouse. That’s very disappointing to hear of Bee girls. I will have to talk to them.”

  “Thanks,” said the 1930s movie star.

  Everyone was silent for a bit.

  “What are you doing for break?” Bitty asked Rower.

  “Unfortunately, I have to stay in the city. I am taking some meetings with people. Remember how I told you I was starting up that company that was a social networking site for slow-food enthusiasts? It’s a little like Facebook but just for slow food. Well, I am meeting with Jamie Oliver and Lloyd Blankfein about it. They are very interested. I just kind of want to hear what they have to say.”

  “That sounds fantastic!” said Bitty.

  “I really think people like that with experience in business can have great ideas,” said Rower in a self-deprecatory way.

  “I totally agree,” said Bitty.

  Gustav came back. He was carrying a pink frothy drink, which he put down in front of Penelope.

  “This contains two cups of grenadine as well as various other things. I am sure you will love it.” He sat back down next to Bitty in the booth.

  “Thanks,” said Penelope. She sipped her drink through the small straw you were supposed to use to stir it. “This is the best drink I have ever had. I feel like I am doing something wrong when I make drinks. They never taste like this.”

  “I know that this is true,” said Gustav. “Because I have had drinks that you have made before, and they have tasted like poison. It is clear that alcohol makes no sense to you.”

  “It just has such a strong flavor,” said Penelope. “What do you put with it, except milk or something.”

  “Alcohol has such a strong flavor?” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star.

  “Yes,” said Penelope.

  “How do you know Gustav?” he said to Penelope.

  “We have a class together,” said Penelope. “And my roommate knows him.”

  “Who is your roommate?” asked Bitty.

  “Emma Green?” said Penelope.

  “Oh, Emma!” said Bitty. “How is she?”

  “Good,” said Penelope. “You and I are also in a play together. I am in Caligula with you.”

  “Oh, right,” said Bitty.

  “Bitty, is that the play you are in?” said Rower. “I’m really excited to see it.”

  “Me too!” said Tiny 1930s Movie Star.

  “Oh, thanks, guys,” said Bitty. “I am really excited for it too. I think it is going to be so good. Don’t you, Penelope?”

  “What?” said Penelope.

  “Henry Wills-Mather is such a genius,” said Bitty. “It has the potential to be really amazing.”

  “I have been hearing really great things,” said Rower. From who? wondered Penelope.

  “Bitty darling,” said Gustav. “It does sound rather nice. But for my part, I do think this two Caligulas idea sounds suspect. Why can’t you be the only Caligula?”

  “Gustav!” said Bitty. She punched him in the shoulder. “It’s because Caligula is a man. I am just the female side of his consciousness.”

  “Bitty, I do wish that you would control your violence better,” said Gustav. “I worry that you are indulging in method acting.” Bitty started to hit Gustav with both of her hands.

  “Where are you from, originally?” asked Rower politely.

  “Connecticut,” said Penelope.

  “Did you go to Hotchkiss?”

  “Um, no,” said Penelope.

  “I’m trying to think of anyone you would know, that I know, from Connecticut.”

  “Who do you know from Connecticut?” said Penelope.

  Rower looked at her apologetically and then turned back toward the group.

  “Gustav!” Bitty said loudly. “Can you get me another drink?”

  “OK,” said Gustav. “My you are a demanding woman. But as they say in adverts, those are the ones who are worth it.”

  “You know what? I think I had better go,” said Penelope.

  “Oh, no, Penelope,” said Gustav. “Don’t go! You only just got here.”

  “I know,” said Penelope. “But it’s a school night. And I think this drink is really alcoholic.”

  “It is rather,” said Gustav. “I feel guilty about that. Do let me walk you home.”

  “But Gustav! What about my drink?” said Bitty.

  “I just have to step out and walk Penelope home and then I will come back and get it for you.”

  Bitty shrugged. Gustav got up and followed Penelope down the stairs and out of the bar.

  “What a wonderful end to a trying day,” said Gustav. “I am officially drunk. Did you have a good time?”

  “Oh, sure,” said Penelope.

  “Chad is a funny chap isn’t he?”

  “Who is Chad?” asked Penelope.

  “The one in the pink shirt,” said Gustav. The rower, thought Penelope. She had not noticed any jokes.

  Penelope walked silently beside Gustav. The smoking jacket was resplendent in the moonlight.

  “How do you know Bitty?” asked Penelope.

  “Bitty? Well, she and I go back forever. We went to the same summer camp for a while. Though perhaps I knew her before that. These things are very hard to say.”

  “Oh, cool,” said Penelope. “It must be fun to know people before you get here.”

  “But Harvard is so small,” said Gustav. “Who doesn’t know people before they get here? Half of my class from school went here. And, of course, one friend breeds fifty or something. Whatever that expression is.” Penelope had never heard that expression and considered describing how untrue it was in her case, but then thought the better of it.

  They had reached the front door of Pennypacker. Penelope couldn’t believe she originally thought this was a date. In high school this was always happening to her. She routinely overestimated the gravity of a romantic situation. It had landed her in some
embarrassing scrapes too, like the time she thought she was going on a date with the basketball team captain when in fact she was going to manage the basketball team practice. It took her three semesters to extricate herself from that activity.

  “Well, thanks for walking me home. Bye!” said Penelope, turning around and trying to get into her dorm as quickly as she possibly could.

  “Wait one moment,” said Gustav, grabbing Penelope’s hand. “Where are you going so quickly?”

  “Inside,” said Penelope.

  “Why don’t you stay here with me, while I smoke my pipe?” said Gustav. He sat down on the stoop in front of her building and took out his pipe. It was made out of ivory and looked very old.

  “But what about Bitty’s drink?” said Penelope, who was so shocked by the pipe’s appearance that she sat down on the stoop.

  “Old Bitty is a resourceful girl. She’ll see to it that one of those men gets her a drink. You have to pacify her in the moment, that’s all. I know from experience.”

  “OK,” said Penelope. Gustav lit his pipe.

  “So, Penelope,” he said, “what do you do?”

  “I go to school,” said Penelope.

  Gustav chuckled. “Oh, I don’t mean that. I know that. I mean, I suppose, what defines you? What are your passions and activities?”

  “I don’t really have any,” said Penelope.

  “Oh, that’s just ridiculous. Everyone does something, especially at Harvard. What about in high school? What did you do for fun then?”

  “I don’t know,” said Penelope. “I taught myself Morse code sometimes.”

  “Why did you do that?” asked Gustav.

  “Well,” said Penelope, “what if I was ever kidnapped by spies?”

  “True,” said Gustav. “I was not thinking of that. You should teach me to say something.”

  “OK,” said Penelope. “What do you want to say?”

  “I am trapped by some spies. All of them are extremely handsome. Perhaps I am experiencing Stockholm syndrome? Love, Gustav.”

  “That is a good message,” said Penelope. “OK, I will teach it to you. Let me get a stick so you can hear it better.”

  Penelope got up to look for a stick. She found one near a small tree planted in the sidewalk. She brought it back to the stoop and started tapping Gustav’s message onto the stair. Gustav looked incredulous.