Devil in Disguise

by Julian Clary

  After breakfast, they loaded Joey and his wheelchair into the car and Lilia drove them into town. She took Molly to the market first, and looked through some cheap tracksuits and poorly made skirts and T-shirts. ‘It doesn’t much matter what you wear for the next few months. Working clothes, that is what we are buying today. It is pointless spending much as your body shape will change dramatically in the next weeks and months. How do you feel about overalls? They’re two for a flyer.’

  They arrived at Hair Today in good time for the eleven o’clock appointment and Lilia immediately took charge, leaving the stylist in no doubt that Molly’s curls were to be permanently straightened, and a dark-brown colour put on.

  ‘And could you cut it, Eleanor,’ to just above the shoulder? A sensible length, don’t you think?’

  ‘Certainly,” said Eleanor. ‘I’ll take those straggly ends off It’ll be much smarter.’

  Lilia wheeled Joey out for a walk around the town centre and a visit to the library while Molly was sat in a chair, swathed in a nylon cloak and given a battered old OK! to look at while Eleanor applied the various lotions and potions. It all took a very long time, and there seemed to be hours of waiting while the various chemicals took effect. Lilia and Joey returned and settled themselves in the waiting area, Lilia tittering over People’s Friend while Molly had her hair washed and then cut.

  ‘Your mum doesn’t like it curly, then?’ said Eleanor, as she began snipping off a good eight inches of Molly’s now ramrod straight hair. ‘It’s funny, really. I get girls with straight hair coming in here who’d die for curls like you had. Then the people with the curls can’t stand them. We’re never happy with what we’ve got, are we?’

  Molly said nothing but stared soulfully at her image as it altered before her eyes. When the cuffing was done, the hairdresser got out her blow-dryer and set to work, brushing Molly’s hair into long, glossy sheets as she blasted it with hot air. At last she switched the dryer off ‘All done!’ pronounced Eleanor proudly. Lilia came trotting over, eager to see the results. ‘It took some doing to get those corkscrews out, but we’ve managed. What do you think?’

  Molly sat staring at herself in the mirror. She looked like the same person but now transported to a bygone age. Her hair hung to her shoulders in shining chestnut curtains. She had a sudden memory of her mother looking at her through the glass. It was just a flash but Molly gasped at the resemblance.

  ‘Ah!’ sighed Lilia. ‘So much better. It was as if you had a bird’s nest there before. You look sophisticated and serious.’ She smiled at Molly. ‘I consider that a success. Don’t you?’

  ‘I don’t recognise myself,’ said Molly. ‘Is that me?’

  ‘The new you,’ said Lilia, proudly. ‘The woman who is going places.’

  ‘Bring it on,’ said Molly, determinedly, giving in completely now, handing over her appearance to Lilia’s charge.

  When they eventually left the hairdresser’s, they walked to the graveyard at the top of the high street and found an empty bench, parking Joey beside them. It was a bright, sunny winter’s day. Lilia pulled a Tupperware box out of her bag and announced that it was time for Molly’s lunch. ‘Salad and pickled herring with pumpernickel and a hard-boiled egg.’ She pulled out a flask. ‘And strong black coffee, of course.’

  ‘What are you having?’

  ‘Joey and I ate earlier at a very pleasant café. This is only for you.’

  Molly was so hungry she dived straight in, making quick work of her egg. Some tramps and punk rockers loitered nearby, but the bench they had chosen was on a path that seemed to be a cut-through. There was a constant stream of Northamptonshire folk going about their business.

  Molly’s lunch was interrupted by a familiar voice. ‘Molly Douglas? Is that you?’

  She looked up, her cheeks bulging with pumpernickel, to see Roger, the doorman from the Derngate,’ standing in front of her.

  ‘I almost didn’t recognise you — except that I saw Miss Delvard here and then thought it must be you. What you doin’ here, girl? And, my God, you look so different. It’s your hair! You’ve interfered with nature — and with spectacular results. So demure, so different!’ He turned respectfully to Lilia. ‘Miss Delvard. We met at your soirée a while ago. Such an enchanting evening. I’m Roger. Remember me?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Lilia coldly. ‘You seemed to find something very amusing as you departed, if my memory serves me correctly. You laughed long and loud as you got into your car.’

  ‘Why, I—’

  ‘Still squandering your talents at the stage door?’

  ‘Yes, still there.’ Roger nodded. Then a cross expression came over his face. ‘And do you know what makes me sick? I don’t get no appreciation, no thanks and not so much as a whip-round when I passed my driving test at the sixth attempt. I thought, You know what? Fuck the lot of them. Not even a good-luck card.’ He turned back to Molly. ‘So, what are you doing back in this dump? And why are you loitering in a graveyard eating black bread as if you were auditioning for Oliver!? I fuckin’ hate that musical. Too many kids in it. Kids can’t act and I fuckin’ hate them too. They shouldn’t be allowed in the theatre in my opinion. So? Spill the beans.’

  Molly swallowed the last of her pumpernickel. ‘Hello, Rog. Lovely to see you. I’d give you a hug but I’ve got hard-boiled egg all over my hands. I’ve … er … I’ve come to see Lilia for a bit, that’s all.’

  ‘Come to Northampton on holiday?’ Roger looked suspicious. ‘I would have thought you’d be living it up in London with your boyfriend. What did you say his name was?’

  ‘Oh,’ you mean Daniel …’ said Molly, struggling to find the words to explain her situation without giving away too much.

  ‘Finished,’ said Lilia decisively. ‘All over. So she came to stay with someone who appreciates her. To wit, me.’

  Roger raised his eyebrows. ‘I’m sorry to hear that. But if I’m honest, I can’t say I’m surprised. I heard about you and Marcus on the last night of the panto. I mean, a woman of your age in a happy relationship does not go off into the night with an eighteen-year-old stagehand.’

  ‘I’m sure he said he was twenty-one,’ declared Molly.

  ‘He was cross-eyed when he came to work the next day to do the get-out. I said, “Are you all right,’ Marcus?” He was nearly in tears. He said you were like some sort of wild, insatiable vampire. He’s only a boy. How he had the sense to record some of it on his mobile phone I’ll never know. Well, it’s lovely to see you again. I’ll call round and see you one of these days. It’d be nice to renew our acquaintance. ‘Bye now, Molly. Take care.’

  Lilia watched him wander off through the graveyard, his hands in his pockets. ‘Hmm,’ she said thoughtfully, her eyes narrowing. ‘Yes. We shall invite Roger over very soon. I have a feeling he may be useful.’

  Molly had been living at Kit-Kat Cottage for a month when something extraordinary happened. The walls of Lilia’s bedroom were a cold, watery blue, and her bedspread was a faded floral pattern, smooth and thinly padded on the flat surface, then ruched jauntily where it hung down towards the floor. Joey lay on the left-hand side of the bed, so still and delicate he hardly showed, just a slight incline and a bump, as if a cat were asleep there. Molly walked to his side of the bed and peered at him. His eyes were open and he looked at her fearfully.

  ‘It’s all right, Joey,’ said Molly. ‘I’m just going to get you up and washed.’ She hesitated, not wanting to manhandle him while he seemed so scared. ‘Is that okay? I’ll try not to pull you about too much.’ She gently peeled the covers back. Joey was lying on his side in a foetal position. She rolled him on to his back, then slipped a hand under his head and pulled him into a sitting position, resting his weight against her chest. She felt his breath on her neck.

  ‘There … That wasn’t too bad.’

  With one arm round his back to support him she unbuttoned his pyjama top and slipped the first arm out. Then she pulled him away from her slightly so she c
ould do the same with the other. ‘Good,’ she said. She laid him down and pulled off his pyjama bottoms.

  ‘Excellent. No trouble at all,’ she said, trying not to sound too businesslike. In the bedside cabinet she found a packet of wet wipes and a pair of adult incontinence pads.

  ‘I’ll just get a towel,’ she said breezily, and nipped to the bathroom. When she returned, she rolled him to one side and placed the towel underneath him, humming a made-up tune to put him at his ease. ‘That’s good, Joey. You just try and relax. ‘Molly tried to imagine she was performing a simple domestic task as she undid the soiled nappy, pulled it off his pitifully thin body and wrapped it into a ball. She swiftly took a wet wipe in her hand, pushed his knees up and wiped him clean. She repeated the procedure a couple more times to be sure, then put the new nappy in place. Next she put on his well-worn grey tracksuit bottoms, then a long-sleeved T-shirt. ‘Nearly done!’ she said cheerfully, as she knelt on the floor by his feet to put on his socks and shoes.

  ‘That’s better, don’t you think?’ she asked, panting slightly and relieved that the job was done without any mishaps. ‘Are you ready to get into the chair now?’ She pulled him gently into a sitting position again, his head resting once again on her ample chest.

  Suddenly Joey made a gurgling sound she had never heard before. ‘You all right, chuck?’ she asked, peering round to see his face. Joey’s eyes rolled up to look at her. ‘What is it, Joey, love?’

  A sound came from inside Joey’s throat. ‘De-do …

  ‘Are you trying to say something?’ asked Molly, shocked by what seemed to be an attempt to communicate. ‘What’s wrong?’

  Joey’s lips opened and closed and a bubble of saliva appeared in the corner of his mouth. ‘Buh, buh …’ he said weakly. ‘Ah, ah …’ It was barely louder than a twig snapping.

  ‘You are! You’re trying to tell me something, aren’t you? Oh, Joey!’ Molly clasped him tighter and touched his face affectionately. ‘Do you want me to get Lilia? She wouldn’t want to miss this moment.’

  Joey seemed to shudder in her arms and his eyes widened. ‘Naaa!’ he said urgently. He even managed a very slight shake of the head, barely a millimetre or two to either side but still perceptible. Exhausted by his efforts, he gasped for breath and closed his eyes.

  ‘All right,’ said Molly, soothingly. ‘Take it easy now. Just relax. If it takes all day for you to say only three words then it’s still a friggin’ miracle.’ She patted his back.

  They sat on the bed in silence for a few minutes. Molly’s eyes filled with tears. How wonderful it would be if Joey could break out of the prison of his mute existence. Maybe his body was slowly healing itself If he were to regain the ability to speak, then Lilia would have her beloved husband back. Everything would change for the better.

  Joey began a series of cat-like coughs, which settled into a slow pulse of g sounds.

  Molly bent her ear to Joey’s mouth and whispered encouragement to him. ‘You’re doing very well … Gee? Gee? Do you want to put a bet on the horses?’

  ‘Naaa!’ said Joey, impatience distinctly discernible now.

  ‘No, okay, not that.’

  Joey began again, his g sound hard this time. ‘G-G-Goooo!’

  ‘Goose? That’s a bit random. Er, Goon? Gawd blimey?’ she asked, watching him closely, looking for an affirmative sign. ‘This is like charades. Go?’

  Suddenly Joey reacted, blinking like a Morse-code torch and raising his eyebrows.

  ‘Go? It’s go?’ she asked excitedly, and Joey blinked some more. ‘Right, I’ve got that, then. The first word is “go”. What’s the second?’

  ‘Aravy,’ said Joey. ‘Array. Arraaay!’

  ‘Harry? Go Harry?’ asked Molly, without much expectation that she was right.

  ‘Na,’ croaked Joey, dismissively.

  ‘I didn’t think it could be somehow,’ said Molly, cross with herself ‘Take a few deep breaths and try again.’

  Joey did as instructed. ‘Goo array.’

  Molly looked nonplussed. She frowned and said, ‘Go away?’

  Joey blinked.

  ‘Do you want me to go away?’

  Joey blinked again.

  ‘Oh,’ she said, deflated. ‘Go away. You want me to leave you in bed? You don’t want to come and watch Home and Away?’ Joey didn’t respond. ‘Or,’ she said tentatively, ‘do you want me to go away from this house?’

  Joey blinked with such enthusiasm that Molly eventually raised her hand to signal that he should stop. ‘I understand, Joey. You want me to go. I’m sorry if I’ve outstayed my welcome. Is there anything else?’

  Despite the wonder of Joey talking to her, Molly couldn’t help her clipped tone. She felt hurt. She had always had a problem with rejection, and when someone who had been unable to communicate for several years made the superhuman effort to tell her to ‘Go away!’ it was all the more upsetting.

  She wheeled Joey into the kitchen and spoon-fed him his breakfast. He made no further attempt to speak, and neither did she. When he was finished, she sat him in the garden as it was a sunny day and went to the lounge, where Lilia and Heathcliff were having their early morning cuddle on the sofa. Heathcliff was lying on top of his mistress as usual, his snout buried in Lilia’s cleavage. He looked up when he saw Molly and wagged his tail.

  ‘Ah, Molly!’ said Lilia, a little flushed. ‘Ready to take my boy out for his constitutional?’

  ‘Yes. But can I have a word with you first?’

  ‘Of course you can,’ said Lilia, reluctantly pushing the dog off and straightening her dress as she sat up. ‘What is it, my dear?’

  ‘Joey just spoke to me.’

  ‘Spoke?’

  ‘Yes, honest to God. He said two words.’

  Lilia looked almost cross. ‘Those are just muscular twinges, you foolish, over-imaginative girl.’ She tutted, as if Molly were a naughty schoolgirl caught swearing.

  ‘Honest, Lilia! It took him a while, but he definitely spoke to me.’

  ‘And what did he say?’ Lilia sounded almost sarcastic. ‘The Lord’s Prayer?’

  Molly could feel the colour rising in her cheeks. ‘He told me to go. To go away, leave this house. He doesn’t want me here.’

  ‘Ha!’ said Lilia disbelievingly. ‘He sometimes makes strange gurgling noises and his eyes roll around, but you mustn’t confuse him with Melvyn Bragg.’

  ‘No,’ insisted Molly. ‘It took a great deal of effort but he can definitely speak. I’m telling you. “Go away,” he said. He flutters his eyes for yes and keeps them still for no. He doesn’t like me, he made himself very plain.’

  ‘Listen to me,’ said Lilia. ‘My husband hasn’t uttered a word for almost three years. The doctors say his brain is damaged beyond repair. Do you think you are Our Lady of Lourdes? And, anyway, he’d be a fool to send you away now, because without your helping hands he’ll be swilling in his own excrement. I am sorry to be vulgar, but it is true. No. I will not believe it. I will increase his medication in case he is building up to one of his fits. We don’t want that. He projectile-vomited with such velocity once that he broke a window. Not only that but I had to hose down my bird-bath afterwards, and that’s at the other end of the garden.’

  ‘But, Lilia—’

  ‘Enough!’ said Lilia, raising her voice. ‘Now, Heathcliff is waiting. Perhaps he, too, will speak to you when you are alone. Maybe he will recite a Shakespearean sonnet.’ She laughed derisively.

  Molly gave up, and took the dog for his walk.

  Lilia seemed a little irritable for the rest of that day, and even had a brandy herself after lunch. That evening when Molly gave Joey his bath, she tried to get him to speak again. ‘Lilia doesn’t believe you spoke to me this morning. But you did, chuck, didn’t you? You told me to go away.’

  Joey’s eyes stared up at the ceiling without a flicker of understanding.

  ‘She thinks I made the whole thing up.’ Molly swished the water over his soapy arms to rinse them and
gently turned his head to face her. ‘I think you’re more with it than you make out, Joey. What’s going on in there, eh?’

  Although he was only inches from her, Joey wouldn’t look Molly in the eyes.

  ‘If you can speak, Joey, but you don’t want anyone else to know, that’s fine. You and I could have secret little chats. Would you like that? No? You just want me away from here, don’t you? You’d like me to go and leave you in peace.’

  Joey did not respond.

  Molly sighed, and finished the bathing in silence. She couldn’t imagine what she had done to upset him. Maybe he didn’t like anyone but Lilia to see him naked and vulnerable. Perhaps he was jealous of Molly spending so much time with his wife. Or was he missing Lilia’s tender care? She would speak to Lilia about her taking back some of the duties. After all, her bruised elbows must surely be better by now.

  Molly decided to wait to speak to Lilia until after they had eaten their dinner — steamed carrots and spinach (with potatoes for Lilia) and two grilled sardines each. Then she went to the garden for her compulsory cigarette, which she smoked pensively, gazing out over the garden and thinking about what she wanted to say. After that she washed the dishes and went into the lounge where Lilia and Heathcliff were sitting side by side watching University Challenge.

  Lilia was back in her usual spirits. She pointed at the screen. ‘They might be clever, these Oxbridge types, but it doesn’t mean they don’t have to wash. Look at that dirty bitch there! If she spent a little less time studying ancient Greek and a little more time washing her ugly mug, maybe her skin complaint would translate itself’

  ‘Lilia,’ Molly began, ‘I know you don’t believe Joey spoke to me, but I’m sure he did.’

  ‘Oh, not this nonsense again!’ said Lilia, exasperated. ‘Can’t it wait? Wadham have just got some bonus questions on astronomy. That girl should do well — she’s got more craters on her face than the surface of the moon.’