The Glass Mask

by E L DuBois

  Beauty felt like her life was so complicated and extremely simple all at the same time. The fact was, she could not change the Beast. No amount of love can make a monster into a man, but she had held on to that glimmer of hope.

  Before she met the Beast, her life had been black and white. Beauty knew right from wrong. She knew good and bad. Now, her life was so many different shades of gray that she could not even see black or white anymore.

  The Beast wanted Beauty to make him her entire world and would lash out whenever he felt her attention was not solely on him. That was a precarious position to be in, because one person could not be your entire world. She had a daughter that was her world. She had to have a job and she loved her family, but the Beast understood none of that. He was like a child in so many ways. A brutal, selfish, violent child that lashed out at Beauty whenever he did not get his way. How was she supposed to please the Beast, especially with another child on the way? He was already so jealous of the Princess.

  Her head spun with many thoughts. So many pieces of the never-ending puzzle she was stuck in. She wanted to crawl under a rock and hide from the world. That was Beauty’s way – she was an avoider. If she could not deal with a situation, she withdrew inside herself and blocked out whatever was going on. That was how she had dealt with the Beast’s tortures and that was how she was dealing with this unexpected side of the Beast now.

  She did not want to feel sympathy or try to fix him anymore. She wanted to take the Princess and run far away. Beauty did not want her life and she feared that she did not want the baby growing inside her. She wanted to pretend it did not exist. Her feelings of disgust over these thoughts overwhelmed her. None of this was the fault of the little Prince or Princess growing inside her, but she could not help feeling the way she did. When the Princess was growing in her belly, Beauty had felt joy and love. She wanted to protect her baby, but now, after everything she had been through, she feared there was no love inside her for another little person.

  With a weary sigh, Beauty looked at the Beast and whispered, “I’m going to bed.”

  He smiled and nodded. He followed her but did not make any sexual advances. He did not act angry or expectant of anything. The Beast was gentle and kind, helping Beauty change into her night clothes and even tucking her in with a kiss to her forehead. When he came to bed, he slid in close to her and wrapped his arms around her in a loving way. His voice a deep low whisper in her ear.

  “I love you. I promise, this time will be different.”

  A lone tear slid down Beauty’s cheek. It was tender moments like this one that hurt her the most because they were the ones that stoked that fire of hope inside her... and she did not want to feel hope. As far as the Beast was concerned, Beauty wanted to feel nothing for him ever again.

  Chapter 18

  Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it...

  FOR TWO MONTHS, the Beast made good on his promises, but this did not make Beauty happy. It made her very uneasy. She was constantly on edge, waiting for him to slip and go into a rage, but he didn’t. Instead, he went to work, paid attention to the Princess, stayed off the hard drugs, and was attentive to Beauty.

  Beauty felt her life was in that calm before the storm. It was like those moments right before the edges of a hurricane made land fall. The wind was nonexistent, and everything was eerily quiet, but you knew something bad was coming. Something that could possibly be catastrophic and life changing. Beauty lived every day for two months with that feeling growing inside her.

  Fall arrived, and the leaves turned brown and fell away from the trees. The signs of a southern winter showing, with each day that neared the holiday season. Those were cold and rainy days where Beauty would stare out the window and revert inside herself, just watching and listening to the rain fall. The tenderness the Beast had shown her caused Beauty to burrow deeper into the chaos of her mind. She did not know how to react to a tender touch or tender emotions from a man. She reacted to her daughter, but it was beginning to feel forced. She loved the Princess more than life itself, but Beauty was quickly becoming detached from the world.

  The pregnancy was ever present in Beauty’s mind. She had calculated that the baby would be due sometime early in the summer. When her health insurance finally became valid, Beauty made her first doctor’s appointment. She was already way behind on them and nearing her second trimester. The day came for her first appointment and Beauty got a blood test. The Doctor confirmed her pregnancy and sent her for an ultrasound.

  The ultrasound tech was a sweet, round woman, all bubbles and cheer as Beauty prepared for the test. They made small talk as the woman glided the cold wand across her belly. Beauty waited for the heartbeat. She waited for the tech to turn the screen and show her the little bean in her belly... but none of that happened. She saw the exact moment the woman’s face shut down into a mask of professional indifference.

  “Is something wrong? Is the baby ok?” Beauty heard the panic rising in her voice. “Please, let me see the baby. Is everything ok?”

  The ultrasound tech looked at her and Beauty could see the pity in her eyes as she spoke.

  “I need you to get cleaned up and go take a set in the emergency room lobby. The Doctor will be with you shortly to speak with you.”

  Beauty felt a sense of dread and that old familiar numbness.

  “Ok.”

  As she cleaned up the cold gel from her skin, dressed and headed to the ER waiting room, Beauty was in a daze. But her feet moved, and she made it to her destination. She sat quietly, waiting for the Doctor for what felt like hours. When he finally approached her, Beauty was on the verge of panic.

  “What’s wrong with my baby?”

  The Doctor sat down with her, his voice trying to be calm and soothing.

  “The fetus is in your tube.”

  Beauty nodded. “Ok, what does that mean? Can we move it with surgery?”

  The Doctors eyes looked so sad.

  “No, honey, even if that was possible, there is no heartbeat. The fetus is not alive. In fact, it has not been alive for some time. You should be going into your second trimester and the measurements show it lived to be about nine weeks. You are actually very lucky. Had the fetus not died and continued to grow, your tube would have ruptured, and your life could have been lost as well.”

  Beauty felt bile rising in her throat. This was her fault. She had not felt love for the child or warmed to the thought of it. She had been living in a darkness for two months pretending it did not exist and it had died inside of her. She did vomit then. All over the floor. She had a dead baby inside her and had been walking around with it inside her for two months. God or karma or whatever was out in the universe had to be punishing her.

  When the retching was done, the tears came. She cried for the baby she should have embraced and loved. She cried for the pitiful excuse of a person she had become. She cried because that was all she could do at that moment.

  Someone from the hospital had called the Beast. He had arrived and was still being the tender version of his monstrous self. He kept whispering to her that it would be alright. They would try again. He was not disappointed in her failure.

  At some point, the Doctors had admitted her into the ER and had given her something to calm her down. They explained that they had to administer a drug to break up the fetus, so she could then pass it as a miscarriage. Then, her blood levels would be monitored and if need be, a DNC would be performed to remove any parts of the fetus left behind.

  Everything the Doctors said passed through one ear and out the other. Whatever the Doctors had given her made her world comfortably quiet and numb. She lay on the hospital bed drifting in and out of consciousness. She vaguely recalled a nurse telling her that they were administering the drug to force a miscarriage. Beauty did not know how long after they gave her the drug that the pain started, but when it did, it was like white hot pokers being jabbed into her abdomen and pelvis. She awoke from unconsciousness and cried out
in pain. The nurses were instantly beside her, administering more drugs. These drugs were for the pain and within seconds, the pain had subsided, and Beauty felt like she was floating. She liked the feeling. She wanted to stay in that out-of-body floating feeling forever. It was nice in that place. There was no pain, no worries, no thoughts, no Beast. Just Beauty, floating and free.

  Once, when she woke from the pain, she felt wetness all around her. When she lifted the sheet and her gown, there was blood. So much blood. Dark chunks of meat mixed with bright red pools and it was coming out of her. She felt sick at the sight and became hysterical. She could feel the Beast at her side, but she would not look at him. The nurse came in and gave her more drugs in her IV. Something to calm her and help with the pain. Beauty quickly forgot her worries and floated away to that happy numb place.

  She stayed in the hospital all night. Everything was like a horrible nightmare mixed with bouts of euphoria.

  When Beauty opened her eyes the next morning, she had a dull ache in her abdomen, but that was all. Her baby was gone.

  She wanted to go home and forget all of it. The Beast was staring at her, looking tired and devoid of emotion.

  Beauty’s throat felt scratchy.

  “I want to go home.”

  The Beast nodded and left the room. Beauty lay there, not wanting to move. She felt dirty and hung over from all the drugs. The Beast returned with a nurse and he signed the release papers for Beauty, after she gave her instructions and prescriptions. Beauty was to go home and rest for at least three days. She was to take her pain medication and if she had any complications, to come back to the hospital. Beauty thanked the nurse as she left. The Beast was very quiet as he helped her dress. They were both quiet. The ride home was quiet. The house was eerily quiet as they stepped inside.

  “Where is the Princess?”

  “Your mother took her to her house for the night.”

  Beauty nodded and padded slowly toward the couch and slumped on it, staring blankly into space. Her eyelids felt heavy. Even though she had slept on and off throughout the night, she felt a bone-deep exhaustion. Her body could not stay awake... it needed to rest and heal.

  Beauty was surprised when the Beast lifted her head and placed a pillow beneath it. He then covered her with a blanket and placed his hand on her hip as he sat down beside her.

  The blue glow of the TV illuminated his profile as he turned it on and began to flip through channels. Beauty’s last thought before she drifted into the darkness of sleep was, “He is still being tender.”

  This surprised her. She was no longer pregnant. Didn’t that mean the Beast had no motive for things to be different?”

  Chapter 19

  Take Snow White out into the woods and kill her.

  As proof that she is dead, bring me her heart...

  BEAUTY AWOKE THE next morning to a house so silent you could have heard a pin drop. The Princess was still with the Queen and to her surprise, the Beast had gone to work. She lay awake for a very long time just watching the shadows dance across the ceiling. Her cell phone rested on the wooden coffee table beside the couch, a message light blinking green. A groan escaped her lips. Every muscle in her body ached as she reached for it. She could feel an ever present dull ache in her abdomen. She opened the message app.

  The Beast: Good morning, beautiful. I made it to work. I hope you’re feeling better. I love and miss you to the moon and back!

  Beauty: Thank you. Glad you made it ok. I hope you have a wonderful day. I love you to the moon and back to.

  Beauty was perplexed by the Beast’s show of affection, especially since she had lost the baby. Texts messages were nothing new. He always told her he loved her. It was part of the game. If he did not tell her and withheld his affections, it was merely a tactic to make her worry that she had done something wrong and he was upset. Which would ultimately result in a fight and violence.

  Beauty was like a wounded animal. Normally, the Beast would pounce on her when she was ill and weak. His favorite time to rape her was if she had fever because in his words, “She felt burning hot.”.

  Another text message popped up on her phone.

  The Beast: I love you more! I miss you!

  Beauty: I miss you too.

  Beauty did not know how to reply to his messages. She was confused and trying to figure out when the shoe was going to drop. Was he buttering her up to make her breakdown more enjoyable? Could he possibly feel any kind of real love or empathy for Beauty? No, she did not think it was possible.

  Early in the relationship, she had noticed that when people told him something sad or painful, the Beast would merely nod.

  She asked him, “Why don’t you say you’re sorry?”

  His response was, “Why would I be sorry? It’s not my fault.”

  Beauty explained to the Beast that it was the polite thing to do to show empathy or even sympathy when people shared their problems. Especially if they were a friend or family member that you’re supposed to care about. It shows that you care. Beauty will never forget the look on Beast’s face. It had been a combination of perplexed and calculating, like the thought had never occurred to him. But now that it had, he could use it to his advantage.

  Beast had smiled. “So, all I have to do is say I’m sorry after someone tells me their sob story or problems and they will think I give a shit? Huh, I’ll have to try it.”

  And he had tried it. Many times, Beauty had watched as he perfected another facet of his many false faces. She hated that she had helped add to his arsenal of manipulation.

  Her phone blinked with another message.

  The Beast: I’m sorry you are hurting.

  Beauty: Thank you.

  There was the manipulation with his false empathy. He almost had her believing he cared, but she knew he really didn’t. The Beast had no real empathy or sympathy. His only true emotions were his rage and his pleasure. Everything else was whatever manifestation he thought would bring about the outcome he wanted. Every situation in his game had an emotion to fit it and the Beast thought he was a master. Beauty knew he wasn’t. Whatever he was playing at now, she would figure it out. She had noticed the cracks. The Beast was unraveling. With each passing day he attempted to walk the line, his dark needs rose a little closer to the surface.

  Beauty may be at home recovering from her miscarriage, but the break gave her time to think and plan. She had time to prepare herself for the next screw-up. It was inevitable. The Beast would finally snap, unable to keep his demons at bay, and he would go back to drugs and the abuse. They were his addictions, just like her pain.

  Her message light blinked.

  The Beast: What is my Beauty doing?

  Beauty thought, preparing for your eventual fuck ups. But what she texted was not that.

  Beauty: Just resting.

  A message immediately came through.

  The Beast: My beautiful girl needs her rest to heal, and when the time is right, we will

  try again.

  Beauty: Ok.

  Try again? Beauty would ask if he was serious, but why waste her breath or time? She knew he was very serious. The Beast did not care about the baby that they lost. All he cared about was the next one he could get into her. The Beast wanted a son. A little Beast to teach and twist into a mini version of him. A fourth-generation abuser with good looks and a sadistic personality.

  The thought made Beauty sick to her stomach. She ran to the nearest bathroom and dry-heaved until her throat hurt.

  Chapter 20

  There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind...

  THE HOLIDAY’S CAME and went with no outbursts or violence from the Beast. A new year passed with the Beast staying in and spending it with “his girls.” Life had become strange; it was low-key, and major drama-free. Beauty adapted. If she had learned anything from her time with the Beast, she had learned how to quickly adapt. So, she took his new approach with a grain of salt. Beauty would adapt, but she would also keep her
guard up.

  The Beast had implemented a new normal. She worked, and he worked. They spent evenings with the Princess and played at a normal life. Every day became mundane, and for a time, the Beast held fast to his promises. There were no major fights, no violence, no brutality. Just anxiety. Beauty was always on edge.

  Days turned into a month. A month turned into a few months. The passing of time did nothing to ease Beauty’s anticipation of the Beast’s mental decline. She lived with the knowledge that he would break and revert to his old ways. The catalyst for this transformation could be something small or another life changing event.

  Beauty had learned that the Beast was incapable of change. He was only capable of holding the demons at bay for longer periods of time. She lay awake at night wondering what had prompted his change, but she could not pinpoint one event other than her pregnancy. Which was now over. The uncertainty became too much to bear at times. Always waiting for the bogeyman to jump out and frighten her. It was an awful way to live.

  Finally, as winter ended, and Spring began to blossom, Beauty got a reason for the Beast’s good behavior.

  It was the day the Beast had to make his final court appearance for the charges he was facing. The Beast made Beauty go with him to every court appearance. He thought it was imperative that they show a united front, and that she stand by his side like the supportive, good, little wife she pretended to be. Pretending had become second nature to Beauty. Her whole life was pretend.