You'll Find Me in Manhattan

by Jill Knapp

  So why was I the only one who felt bad about us not seeing each other?

  I glanced over at my phone on the night stand and felt my eyebrows furrow. When had I become so paranoid about contacting a guy? Grabbing the phone, I felt a strange sense of nerves wash over me. Ignoring it, I scrolled through my contact list until I landed on Michael’s number. In lieu of a text message, I decided to call him. After all, what is so strange about a girl calling her boyfriend?

  The phone rang four times before I got his voicemail. Slightly annoyed, I left a message.

  “Hey, babe. Hope your day is going well. I just wanted to see what you had planned for today. Maybe we can get together later? Call me back.”

  As I hung up the phone, I couldn’t help but feel irritated. He couldn’t even answer my call? And who knows how long it’d be before he called me back. These games were to be expected a couple of years ago when he was still figuring things out with Marge. But not anymore.

  I was beginning to feel like this relationship was not normal.

  Just as I was about to put the phone down it buzzed in my hand, causing me to jump. A hopeful smile spread across my face. Maybe Michael wasn’t being so distant after all. But as I turned the phone over I saw that it wasn’t a message from Michael. It was from Hayden.

  Hayden was moving to Florida, and I still wasn’t sure on the date. Based upon what he said to Olivia it had to be relatively soon.

  The two of us had been keeping our distance from one another since we ended things. It was hard on me. Being with Hayden was like dating a best friend. He was kind, patient, and calm. Not to mention very selfless. I thought about him more than I probably should. And most of the thoughts came to me at times like this when Michael was being emotionally unavailable. Bracing myself, I opened the message application on my phone and tapped on Hayden’s name.

  It was short and to the point. He asked if we could talk.

  In person.

  Considering Hayden’s request, I walked over to my bedroom window and peeked outside. There wasn’t much of a view where I lived. Nothing compared to the panoramic vision of New York City that Olivia and Alex’s apartment offered. I looked down at the street and saw a few people walking their dogs. The streets were pretty empty for a weekend but watching even a few people outside made me long to get out of my apartment. A moment later I saw a young couple holding hands, laughing as they made their way down the street. I felt a pang of sadness in my chest as I realized that Michael and I were never that affectionate with one another. In fact, besides sex, we were hardly ever physically near one another. We didn’t hug or exchange kisses that didn’t turn into something further. We didn’t hold hands or even cuddle on the couch during a movie.

  I took a step back from the window and paced as I wrote Hayden back.

  Hey, sure. Is now good?

  A few seconds went by and then my phone buzzed again.

  Now is good. Can I come by your apartment?

  I scanned my apartment. My bed was unmade and littered with clothes. My coffee table was decorated with unopened envelopes and unwashed dishes. And the general state of my floors was less than optimal. I squashed a roach earlier than day and forgot to clean it up. I shook my head and wrote him back.

  Actually, can I come to yours?

  Moving from my bedroom to the bathroom I ran a hairbrush through my hair while rummaging in the drawer for some concealer. After a slight primping, I darted to my closet to find clothes to wear, but then remembered most of them were scattered across my bed. And floor. Grabbing my favorite pair of jeans that I got for a steal from Nordstrom Rack, I felt a slight sense of worry.

  What if Michael finds out about this?

  And then I realized, I never know where Michel is or what he is doing when we aren’t together. We might be officially a couple, but he wasn’t answering my calls. Would he really even care if I was spending time with Hayden?

  We were about to find out.

  After pulling a flowy light-pink blouse over my head I took once last glance in the mirror as my phone went off again.

  Sure. Come over when you’re ready.

  I snatched my keys off the coffee table and flung my purse over my shoulder.

  I was ready.

  A short cab ride later, I arrived at Hayden’s apartment. He buzzed the door opened so I could come through the entrance and met me at his front door. It was a warm welcome.

  “Amalia!” he grabbed me by the waist and pulled me in for a hug. As soon as his arms wrapped around me, I experienced something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. The feeling that someone really wanted me in their life. Not just wanted for sex. Wanted for something more.

  I couldn’t pinpoint it.

  “It’s really good to see you,” I heard myself say. Feeling myself blush, I lowered my head a few inches and let out a small laugh. I hadn’t realized how much I missed him.

  He looked exactly the same. Brown hair, green eyes, and a gentle, yet masculine, smile.

  “Come in!” He led the way into the apartment I had spent so much time in last year. As soon as I walked through the door a rush of memories came flooding back to me. One that stood out in particular was when he asked me to spend Thanksgiving break with him in his hometown of Gainesville, Florida. I turned him down, saying that I needed to spend some time with my family. But the truth was that I was scared.

  Hayden wanted so much more from me then I was able to give at the time. Having just come back from Brazil, losing my apartment and my best friend, Cassandra, and still having to see Michael at school really messed with my head. Sometimes I wondered how it would have been if I had met Hayden before I had come to NYU. If he had been the one I could turn to after Nicholas broke up with me.

  I wondered if my life would be different now. Maybe Hayden wouldn’t be moving away.

  Or maybe I’d be moving with him.

  I shook the thought out of my head and met Hayden’s gaze. Nervously, I asked for a glass of water. I needed something to do with my hands, which were shaking.

  Hayden retrieved a glass of water from the tap. The marble counter top by the sink was shining. I wondered if he had done some cleaning once I said that I was coming over. Leading me to the couch where we once used to cuddle and watch movies from, I felt a small flutter of butterflies in my stomach. I smiled at the memories and slowly lowered myself onto the plush sofa. He followed suit and sat down next to me, except unlike in the past there was enough space between us to fit an extra person.

  “So, I hear Olivia’s getting married,” he said, breaking the awkward silence.

  “She is!” I perked up, grateful he’d offered something to talk about. “Over the summer. She’s getting married at the hotel in SoHo.”

  “The Mondrian, right?”

  “That’s the one,” I offered him a wide grin. Another long silence passed and I took a gulp of my water to make it a little less uncomfortable.

  Hayden didn’t look nervous. Or if he did, he was hiding it very well.

  “So,” I started, putting down my glass on a carefully placed coaster. “What did you want to talk to me about?”

  He lowered his head and sighed. His eyes swept the floor and then back up to me. A sad smile tugged at his lips as he began to answer my question.

  “Firstly, I am moving to Gainesville at the end of the month.”

  “The end of this month?” I asked a little louder than I intended.

  “Yeah,” he sank back further into the couch. “March 30th is moving day.”

  “I’m happy for you,” I uttered. “For your promotion and for getting out of New York. Which I know you have wanted to do for a while now.” I paused and considered my next words carefully. “But if I am being completely honest, I kind of wish you weren’t moving.”

  Hayden furrowed his brows and took a deep breath. For a moment, I could have sworn I saw a look of anger flash across his face. But as soon as I saw it, it disappeared.

  “Amalia,” he sighed. “Why
are you saying this to me?” He looked me straight in the eyes. The intensity of his stare was almost too much to handle. “You know how I feel about you.” He lowered his head again.

  “I know how you felt. But it’s been about a year since we stopped dating. I would have guessed you’d have moved on by now.”

  “Sure. I went on a few dates here and there,” he nodded. I felt a knot of jealousy, usually monopolized by Michael’s actions.

  Why did I care if Hayden went on a few dates?

  “But,” he continued. “I haven’t had real feelings for a girl in a long time.”

  “How long?” I muttered, fearing I already knew the answer.

  He paused for a moment and seemed to consider my question. Then another sad smile claimed his face.

  “About a year,” he reached for his water and took a large gulp.

  He pressed his lips into a straight line, and I could see that even though so much time had passed he still wasn’t over me.

  I wish Michael felt half as strongly as Hayden did.

  “You’re with Michael now?” he asked, breaking me out of my daze.

  I offered him a nod, not really wanting to get into the whole story. Which was what, exactly?

  I was in love with Michael, but he couldn’t give me the kind of relationship I wanted. Hayden was in love with me but I couldn’t give him the commitment he wanted. And deserved. A twisted, proverbial, love triangle which, from where I stood, looked like everyone was on the losing end of.

  “Do you ever even think about me, Amalia?” he muttered.

  His question caught me off guard. It was so direct compared to dealing with Michael’s cryptic and evasive lexicon. Hayden’s candor was pretty refreshing.

  “Yes,” I answered, being just as direct as he was.

  “What do you think that means?”

  “Honestly?” I took a beat. “I don’t know.”

  Anxious, I reached for my glass of water on the coffee table, but as soon as I leaned forward Hayden caught my hand. The next thing I knew he was kissing me. The kisses were soft, nothing like how Michael and I kissed. I leaned into Hayden, wrapping my arms around him. After a few more seconds of kissing, Hayden pulled away.

  “I’m so sorry,” he stood up and looked away from me. “That was completely out of line.” He turned to me with a look of worry on his face. “You have a boyfriend.”

  I did have a boyfriend. But what was worse was the fact that I really didn’t want that kiss to end.

  “We’re having problems,” I blurted out. As soon as the words came out of my mouth it felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest.

  “What do you mean?” Hayden asked. “I just asked you five minutes ago if you were with Michael.”

  I tugged nervously at the end of my shirt. “We’re dating, but he and I aren’t really on the same page with each other.”

  Hayden blinked at me a few times before shaking his head and letting out a rough throaty laugh.

  “So, after all of this,” his voice rising a bit. “The two of you are finally together and you’re unhappy?” He stood up from the couch and stared straight at me.

  I looked at the floor, unsure of what exactly to say.

  “It’s complicated,” I stammered. “I want to be with him, but…”

  “But what?” Hayden demanded. His eyes were red and glassy. He ran his hands over his head and pressed his eyes together tightly. I had never seen him this upset before.

  I nervously picked at my cuticles. “But I don’t feel like he really wants to be with me!” It was the first time I had said those words out loud and I was blown away by their power.

  I couldn’t quite pinpoint my feelings until just now. But there it was, plain as day.

  I didn’t feel like Michael wanted to be with me. And I never had.

  My words seemed to affect Hayden almost as much as they affected me. His eyes softened as he lowered himself back onto the couch next to me.

  “Amalia,” he said softly. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing,” I shifted my weight while stifling tears from falling out of my eyes. Shaking my head, I took a deep breath. “Everything.” I looked over at Hayden, who currently had his arm over the back of the couch. It felt nice to have someone there for me.

  “I’m sorry I raised my voice at you,” he uttered in a low voice.

  “Honestly,” I started. “With the way I have treated you I am surprised you are still talking to me at all.” I felt a stream of tears roll down my check. With his thumb, he gently wiped them away.

  “You’re not so bad,” he joked.

  I offered a half-smile and a full eye roll.

  “I love your eyes,” he whispered. “So big and blue”

  I caught myself holding my breath and let out a sharp exhale.

  “So, what was the other thing you wanted to tell me?” I twisted a stray hair through my fingers.

  “Pretty much what we just spoke about, how I still have feeling for you,” he had a pained look in his eyes. “And that if things don’t work out with Michael, I want you to consider moving down to Florida. After you finish school, of course.”

  My eyebrows involuntarily raised, “Why would I move to Florida?”

  “The town I am moving back to, Gainesville, has a lot of job opportunities. Especially for someone with have an advanced degree in behavioral science. Plus the cost of living is so much less, and we all know how much you hate the cold weather…” his voice trailed off.

  “I can’t just uproot myself and leave New York. It’s my home.”

  “But Amalia,” Hayden cocked his head to the side. “You hate living here.”

  “What are you talking about,” I couldn’t help but start laughing. “I don’t hate living here. I mean, sure, the Arctic blast that lasts for eight months isn’t fun, and the price of everything goes up every year, but I love New York.”

  Didn’t I?

  “Maybe I’m wrong,” he held up his hands in mock defeat. “But when we were together last year I always felt a sadness within you. I know that you’re stressed about school, and about what you want to do when you graduate. I know you feel a bit stuck.” He paused for a moment. “But I feel like you could thrive in a town like Gainesville.”

  I was speechless. Hearing Hayden lay it all out for me like that gave me a clarity I never really had before. Maybe I wasn’t only miserable because of Cassandra and because of Michael and my relationship. Maybe it had more to do with constantly being broke. From the desolate feeling of living in a 650-square-foot box. And, quite possibly, it was from knowing that even when I did graduate from NYU, I still wouldn’t be making enough money to live in more than a tiny apartment. With my student-loan payments, I would almost definitely be living paycheck to paycheck.

  That was my future here in the city. Living in a small apartment, hoping to do well enough at work to make ends meet, and forever having this abnormal relationship with Michael.

  I felt my cheeks flush and suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. I stood up from the couch and immediately felt dizzy.

  “Amalia,” Hayden put a hand on my shoulder. “Are you alright?”

  “Yeah. I’m fine,” I mumbled as I made my way to the door. “I have to go home.”

  “Are you sure?” Hayden asked with slight desperation in his voice. “I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable.”

  “It’s not that. I just have to go,” I slid past him and darted toward the door.

  “Amalia, come on!” he called after me. But it was too late. I was already gone.

  Twenty-six – Olivia

  I stood in front of the floor-length mirror, swooning over the way the white lace draped my shoulders. It was my final fitting before the big day and, fortunately enough, the dress fit perfectly.

  “Now just don’t gain a single pound between now and July,” Amalia said in a joking tone.

  “Thanks, I’ll try!”

  “Perfect,” the seamstress said, taking a step back to f
ully admire her handiwork. “Are you happy with the length?”

  I nodded. “I am happy with everything. Thank you for doing such a great job with my gown.”

  I could tell I was beaming with excitement. The wedding was in less than four months, and the countdown had officially begun. If only in my head.

  Still smiling, I took a step off the podium and Amalia immediately reached for the train of my dress. She followed me into the dressing room, holding the back of my dress the whole time.

  “She really should have bustled this!” Amalia said and she softly let go of the train.

  I scooped up the bottom of my dress and closed the fitting-room door.

  “I’ll be out in a second,” I called out. Last time I needed help getting in and out of my dress, but for some reason this time it felt much more natural. I was careful not to put on any make-up today that might stain the most important garment I would ever wear.

  While placing the gown in its garment bag I heard Amalia’s voice call out to me.

  “So I wrote Cassandra an email a few weeks ago,” she said with a shaky voice.

  “Has she written back?” I zipped up the bag and opened the door to the fitting room, leaving the dress inside, as instructed. When I stepped out, Amalia was inches away from my face.

  “No,” Amalia nervously looked around the store. “But that’s not all I have to share with you.”

  I raised an eyebrow and crossed my arms. I felt a smirk hit my lips. “What did you do?”

  “Well technically it wasn’t me who did it,” she fiddled anxiously with her long necklace.

  “Amalia Hastings, what did you do?” I could feel my smile widening. I took too much pleasure in the stories concerning her unstable life.

  “I kissed Hayden,” she spat out a little too loudly. As soon as she did, she covered her mouth with both of her hands.

  A few of the store staff members whipped their heads around to gape at Amalia.

  “You kissed Hayden?” I whispered.

  “Well, technically he kissed me,” she pursed her lips together and clenched her jaw. It seemed like she was waiting for me to reprimand her.