The Book of Michael

by Lesley Choyce

  ***

  Miranda turned twenty–one before I did. At her parole hearing, she was given an extraordinary decision. After the petitions from her father, the pleadings of her counselors, and an eloquent but heartbreaking letter from Miranda herself, she was set free on her twenty–first birthday. But there was no birthday party. She insisted on that.

  She went home first. And I was not permitted to visit her. But we had already planned on renting an apartment and moving in together. I had been attending night classes at the community college and preparing myself for what is known as “human services. ” The classes were a little dull but I completed the program. I would work as an assistant with kids with disabilities and with troubled kids. I would be a “youth worker,” a term I never liked.

  It was tough at first. Given my background, who would hire me? But then someone gave me a break. A friend of my old high school principal, Mr. Tyson, interviewed me as a favor for Tyson. I was hired to work in a group home. I stayed there three nights a week. I dealt with some nasty kids with bad attitudes who did not fit into society. I didn’t really like most of them. But I thought I understood them a bit, enough to keep a lid on the situation. Enough to listen to them when they wanted to talk. Enough to keep them—sometimes—from doing the next stupid thing.

  And I rented my own one bedroom apartment in an old converted house. No cable TV. No high–speed Internet. And I read at night. My book collection continued to grow. I read the Bible another time and found things in it—passages of wisdom I had missed because my vision was clouded. I liked Proverbs, and the Book of Job had new meaning. And I liked the teachings of Jesus but not the familiar story of his life nor the way it was told.

  My grandmother’s famous I Ching remained helpful. I had almost memorized many of the meanings of the hexagrams but was especially fond of the pairing of Hexagram 33 and Hexagram 35.

  Thirty–three (Tun) represents retreat and reads: Once you decide to retreat, do so with determination. If you do it with regret, you will not succeed. Thirty–five (Chin) suggests: Greet obstruction and objection with an open and generous mind but trust must be earned as well.

  Placed between them is Thirty–four (Ta Chuang) known as the hexagram of great strength. Going forward with care and caution will bring positive results. Obstacles disappear. That is the hexagram that represents my grandmother to me. I still miss her and know she would be saddened by seeing the distance that has grown between my parents and me.

  Shortly before Miranda was released, I moved into this apartment. I furnished it with used and donated furniture from my parents and their friends. It was a kind of conspiracy between Miranda and me. This plan to live together. I cannot say how difficult it was, knowing this would add more pain to the lives of my own parents.

  I am away some nights working at the group home. Miranda says she does not sleep on those nights, but waits until I return and then sleeps through the day.

  She said she too would like to help people and take a certificate in “human services,” but her criminal record will not allow for that under any circumstances. So she is mulling over what other course of action to take. I tell her not to hurry. I think something will present itself—an important opportunity. “Keep an open mind,” I say, quoting my grandmother’s favorite expression.

  But my parents do not like for me to say that. “Look at what you are doing,” my mother says. “This can’t be right. ”

  And so, my twenty–first birthday party was not a party but a solemn occasion for parents who believed they had lost a son. And me? I still love my parents but I could not do what they wanted. All I could say was, “This is how I can get on with my life. ” No one gave me back my life. I had to create a new one.

  ***

  I know what you are thinking, what you are wondering: Do you love her? Does she love you?

  And to those questions there is no easy answer. I can say that it is important that we are with each other. We have a relationship that is essential. We need each other. I know that. Something may change some day, I am aware of that. But I don’t spend much time thinking about the future. To the best of my ability I live in the here and now.

  And what I know of love changes over time. We do not say, “I love you” to each other, if that helps to explain things. But at the same time, I want to tell you that I care deeply about Miranda. She is kind and appreciative with me and still in “retreat” from the outer world. I am two hexagrams ahead. I have “advanced” but I missed the in–between step, the hexagram of inner strength. I’m still working on that one.

  But love. Do I “love” her? I don’t know if I can answer that.

  The word has been so corrupted that it may no longer have meaning.

  But no. I am sidestepping.

  Love was what I felt for Lisa.

  And I cannot fully connect Lisa to Miranda in a way that makes sense. What came in between? Pain and suffering and waiting for things to get better.

  Miranda and I have never made love since she was released. Whenever we’ve discussed the possibility, we pull back and decide it isn’t important. Or so we say.

  But I do hold her in my arms at night as we sleep together. She misses me when I am gone and I miss her. I cook meals for her with pride. (Louis taught me to be a great cook. ) And sometimes she prepares food for me and takes care of the apartment.

  And when we wake together on a sunlit morning, one of us will say that we are “lucky to have each other. ” And then we may even laugh.

  And at such times the world is not such a terrible place after all. It has given us permission to get on with our lives as best we can. And I am convinced that this is enough.

  Copyright © 2008 Lesley Choyce

  Published in Canada by Red Deer Press, 195 Allstate Parkway, Markham, Ontario L3R 4T8. Published in the United States by Red Deer Press, 311 Washington Street, Brighton, Massachusetts 02135

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without the prior written permission of Red Deer Press.

  eISBN 978-1-55455-934-3

  Edited for the Press by Peter Carver

  Financial support provided by the Canada Council, and the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF).