If We Were Young: A Romance

by Bloom, Anna

  I didn’t spend all last night face down on my bed. Once I’d put dinner on the table, I’d worked late into the evening on what I would say today. We’d pitched on a company rebrand, not on the principle of saving a company and thousands of jobs.

  I wished I hadn’t pitched.

  I wished they hadn’t chosen us.

  Why had he? He must have seen my name?

  “I don’t see how we can change it without looking desperate.”

  “You are desperate, I believe.”

  Carling’s eyebrows rose. “But if we change it then it will undermine our position even more.”

  “What position are you undermining?” I slid a pile of paperwork towards him. “I’ve seen the figures; your market share is down to three percent. I don’t know how you aren’t bankrupt already.”

  His arms folded, and I took a moment to consider how impossibly wide they seemed. Not fat. No. Built. I could visualise the curve of muscle under the cotton of his shirt. What it might feel like to run my hands along.

  “Ronnie. Ronnie.” Fred called my name louder. “Can I propose, as chief designer.” He flashed me a smile, and I flickered one back before turning back into the chilled depths of Carling’s stare. “That I mock-up how we could abbreviate the name. Maybe there is a way to keep the name without keeping it.”

  Bollocks, why didn’t I think of it?

  “So use initials or something like that?”

  “If we turn it into a nickname, then there’s a chance it won’t look as calculated as a complete name change.”

  “Like St Michaels became Marks and Spencer’s which is now called Marks and Sparks?”

  Fred nodded and I could have kissed him. I didn’t, but I could have. “Sparks is largely street talk, but yes.”

  I turned a barely hopeful gaze to the brooding Matthew Carling. “Is this worth exploring? We’ve only got a very short amount of time.”

  “I’m aware of the time constraints.” His face flickered with annoyance and honestly, it was all I could do not to punch the air with joy that the project would only last two weeks.

  Who’d have thought I’d ever feel that way?

  “Excellent.” I stared between them both and sucked on my teeth. The atmosphere soured with more toxic air than a landfill. “Well, Mr Carling?”

  He tutted, loudly. “Matthew. Please.”

  “Matthew.” Somehow, I twisted it until it rang with the bitterness of unsweetened lemonade. “Shall we reconvene tomorrow morning? I think Fred and I need to spend some time bouncing ideas.”

  Fred, who seemed to not be feeling the tension, lounged back in his chair like a lord of the palace. “You know me, Boss Lady, I love to bounce ideas with you.”

  With a curt nod, Matthew—NOOOOO he was back in my head again—straightened from his chair.

  The phone rang but I couldn’t reach for it because I battled in a stare down with the man in the suit.

  “Ronnie.” Natalie poked her head through the door breaking my focus. “It’s the school.”

  “Already?” My heart pounded like a runaway horse. “But it’s early still.”

  “Afraid so.”

  Acutely aware of my audience, I picked up my phone and listened to the school secretary on the other end of the line.

  Sighing, feeling it somewhere down near my toes, I dropped my phone back into its cradle and then reached for my bag. “I’ve got to go. I apologise, but it’s important.” I didn’t know what to say or where to look. Didn’t want the failure of my parenting to be painted all over my face. My mother could judge me enough for that later. “Fred, I’ll ring in a bit, okay?”

  Way to look professional. Our first day on the job and the boss was already running from the office. I couldn’t look at Matthew.

  I pushed past, my feet on the way to the reception, when his voice pulled me back like I was held on elastic. “Ronnie?”

  I turned, unwilling but helpless. “I’m sorry, Matt…” Gah. “Mr Carling, I need to get to my daughter’s school.”

  “Is she ill?”

  “Uh. No.” But she would be when she got home, and I skinned her alive.

  “My car is in the car park across the road. Can I give you a lift?” His tone softened. That Scottish melody plucking chords. I stuttered a little.

  “Oh, it’s okay. I can get the train; my car is parked at the station car park.” I didn’t add that I’d done this unscheduled pick up more than I’d like. I knew the platforms I needed to wait on, and the spot to stand in to get on the train at a good place to quickly get off and find my car.

  He pushed his hands into the pockets of his suit trousers. No lying, my gaze followed, and he pulled out a set of car keys. “It’s not a problem.”

  Those eyes made it clear he wouldn’t let me say no. The shades of blue were sky and slate. Heaven and earth.

  “Thanks.”

  I couldn’t get in a car with him. It would just be us in a confined space.

  I followed him to the lift, and he pressed the button. Natalie almost fell off her chair as she watched us walk past. From the corner of my eyes, I caught Fred slouching on the doorframe of my office and leaning against it, watching us leave, his blonde head turned in our direction.

  I cleared my throat as the doors shut.

  And breathe.

  Breathe.

  Breathe? Was I crazy?

  There wasn’t enough air for us both to survive the trip down to the main entrance hall. Everything was glass and shiny; a greenhouse for my skin to burn under.

  His shoulders were straight, his lips straighter. I cast him a side eye, trying to read his features. “You can just speak you know.” He didn’t look at me; his words tingled like sparks of electricity.

  “I know,” I squeaked. “Thanks for the lift.”

  “It’s okay.” He turned a little and for a flash I thought I saw a churning in the depths of his eyes that mirrored the seasick sensation I’d got in my stomach. “Children can be a challenge.”

  My mouth popped open. I’d spent so long trying to block him from my head, while studiously obsessing over him, that I never thought him and her would have kids.

  Of course they would.

  I mean they’d been married since the dawn of time.

  “How many children do you have?” I felt I should have known the answer to this, but again, it just highlighted the space of the last lifetime we’d lived without speaking.

  “Two.” Apparently, we were still hardly speaking now. That’s all he gave me.

  I mean, were they babies? Was he now co-parenting? Were the kids in London with him, or were they still in Scotland?

  I bit my tongue.

  If he wanted me to know he’d say.

  He sighed. Then I sighed.

  Sigh.

  His car, black and as shiny as the lift, seemed very low. I had to hike my skirt up to get in. He grunted and tightened his seatbelt with force.

  “Seatbelt,” he barked.

  My hands were so sweaty it took three attempts. Turning, I tried to open the window so I could get some air on my hot face, but the windows were child-locked. Instead of saying anything I sat and sweated.

  “Where’s your daughter’s school?”

  “Oh.” I shook my head as the car pulled out of the car park and he waved a silver credit card at the barriers card reader. “No, it’s fine. Could you get me to where I’ve parked my car near the station at Surbiton? I can make it from there.”

  His gaze flicked to my face. Ma’s sudoku made more sense.

  Kingston to Surbiton wasn’t far, even on the train, but he got me there quicker than public transport would have.

  “Do you get many calls from the school?” I jumped out of my seat when he spoke. We’d been silent since Moses parted the Red Sea.

  “Hannah is, uh…” Angry. Destructive. A Rubik’s cube.

  He slid his eyes in my direction and my breath caught. “I’m sorry about your husband. I should have said when I saw you last. Th
at was bad mannered of me.” I liked how he could differentiate between his actions then and now.

  “Thanks.” I glanced out the window before muttering, “I’m sorry about your marriage.”

  I watched him in the reflection. He nodded, just once.

  Too soon we were at my car and I pointed out my Volvo. I didn’t know why it made his lips curve.

  My hand pushed at the handle, but I hesitated. Within the confines of his silent car I was almost her. I could feel her again. I didn’t want to get out and deal with an angry headmaster and a child who I didn’t understand. I wanted to stay right now.

  It was stupid and ever so dangerous.

  Matthew Carling hated me.

  “Matthew?” I had one foot outside the car.

  “Mm.” Distracted, he stabbed his finger and put something into the SatNav, eager for me to go.

  “Why did you add me on Messenger?” Had I ever sounded more like a teenager? Someone give me an alcopop and a straw.

  He turned, his frown flickering back to life.

  “Was it because you knew you’d be working with me?”

  “Yes,” he barked his answer and I slipped out of the car slamming the door behind me.

  Well done, Ronnie. That was a whole lot of puking for nothing.

  * * *

  “What’s wrong with you?” Ma narrowed her gaze at me, focusing on my face.

  “What’s wrong with me?” I stared at the ceiling. “Let me think. Well, there’s collecting my daughter from school again, this time for being late to school and having her nose pierced.”

  “It’s that friend. Arrabella or whatever they call her.”

  I shook my head. “No, Ma. It’s Hannah.”

  Ma’s finger lifted, ready to talk, but I hadn’t finished yet. “Then there’s the fact my entire business hinges on the big job we’ve just taken on, which isn’t the job I thought it would be.”

  “I told you, I don’t even know why you are running this business. You should be at home with Hannah, being her mum.”

  “I am her mum. I also work. And I have to work.”

  “Don’t be so ridiculous. Your father’s and Paul’s life insurances paid off this house and left us comfortably off. In fact, we’d be more so if you didn’t sink so much of it into that frivolous company.”

  “Ma! It’s not frivolous, it’s part of who I am.” I didn’t add that if I didn’t have the company, my only reason to leave the house every day, then I would all too quickly sink into becoming her, with only crosswords and sudoku to keep me entertained.

  “Would Paul have wanted you to work?”

  “Who knows? He’s not here to ask.” My chest tightened. “He lost the right to ask me questions when he died.”

  “Ronnie! Hannah might hear you.”

  “For goodness sake, Ma. She knows he’s dead. Why does everyone keep acting like it’s a secret.”

  “You are so strange; you always have been. Always so secretive and silent.”

  “Question for you. If you knew I was secretive and silent why didn’t you get me help? There are so many treatments for things like social anxiety now. It could have saved me years of awkwardness.”

  “Oh, Ronnie, don’t be so dramatic. Just like your father; he went on about this too. I can tell you now it’s shyness not social anxiety. The labels they have these days are laughable.”

  “You think my problems with my inability to talk are laughable. Thank you.” I bowed. “That’s always good to know.”

  I turned for the kitchen door, eager to get away from the wagging finger of reprimand. “Where are you going?” There was no apology in her eyes at the fact she undervalued every awkward moment of my childhood right through to adulthood.

  “To my room, to ring Angie.”

  Ange picked up on the second ring. “I’ve already heard. She got her nose pierced on the way to school.”

  “She told you?”

  “Yes. And that you’ve grounded her for three million years.”

  “It would only have been two, but then she rolled her eyes at me.”

  “I roll my eyes at you all the time.”

  “I know, and I’d ground you too if I could.”

  She dragged in smoke. “Anyway, so what happened with that pitch at work? I expected you to call, but you left me hanging here in miserable old Edinburgh with no news.”

  I couldn’t ignore the fact this was the first time since she moved that I didn’t feel jealous of her being up there. It was stupid, I know.

  “We won.”

  “That’s great, babe. Champagne is on you.”

  “Better make it a bottle of Supersavers Buck’s Fizz.” My stomach clenched at the mention of the company name.

  “Oh, why?”

  “Because they didn’t give me the whole story. They are under threat of Administration and hiring me is supposed to give them a second chance.”

  “Ouch. Can you?”

  “I don’t bloody know, I had to run from the meeting to pick Hannah up.”

  “Oh.” Another drag. “And what about ‘I’m such a prick’ Matthew? Did he ever get back to you on Messenger?”

  I glared at the ceiling. “Sort of.”

  “What does that mean? Tell me everything. Did you ask him about the reunion and just how long his line of admirers were once you left?”

  I couldn’t face it. If I talked about it, I’d have to think about it. I couldn’t decide if I desperately needed to see him, like some out-of-control junkie who couldn’t stay away from the drug destroying her, or whether I’d prefer to put pins in my eyes then have to look at him.

  I wondered what colour his suit would be tomorrow?

  “Listen, I need to go and talk to Han. Also, I’ve got to ring Fred and beg him to come over so we can talk about the meeting tomorrow. We looked like idiots today.”

  “Why? You are never a mess at work. Although invite Fred over and bang him senseless for the fun of it!”

  “Angela, that’s very inappropriate.”

  “I would. Let's organise a team drink so I can teach him all about playing with grownups.”

  “Angela.”

  “What? It’s just fun. Come on, Ronnie, you must want to fuck someone, surely? It’s been years since Paul and let’s be honest, I never saw you on a post-orgasmic comedown after the event.”

  “Angela!”

  “Okay, babes, I’ll stop. You know I talk the truth. We need to get together and have a proper meet up, not like that lame-arse reunion that everyone left early.”

  “Wait, I thought you said it was wild and unforgettable?”

  “Oh, maybe I did, I forget.”

  “I worry about you, Ange. Are you okay?”

  “Of course I am, I don’t need my sad little geeky friend trying to fix me. We need to talk about why her work is no longer her safe zone.”

  This was the truth. Well, it was the truth. Until today, when the truth changed into something I no longer recognised. My safe zone, the place where I didn’t panic or fluster had been invaded by the enemy in the shape of a six-foot-four Scot. I held myself together though.

  “Because Matthew was there.”

  She’d just inhaled, and she choked on her lungful. “What?” Another cough. “Why?”

  “Long story. Ange, I do have to go.”

  “Babe, I’ll come down for a drink.”

  I paused from hanging up. Surprised. “It’s fine, you’ve only just been down for the failed reunion. I’m okay.” Surviving by the minute while he crushed me with his death stare.

  “I need the big smoke, anyway. I’ll come for a girls’ night out. We can get lashed and find some hot totty to chase.”

  “I don’t want to chase totty, but okay. Ring me closer to the time.” I hung up and threw my phone onto my bed, then hiked in a couple of deep breaths. Right, now it was time to face Godzilla’s lair.

  The music pumped through the door and I almost turned around and went downstairs to rummage in the fridge looking
for something liquid and cool to take the edge off.

  Then I pulled up those big girl panties no one else could wear apart from me in my role as mother and knocked. And again. And again.

  Eventually, I just pushed open the door. There was only so much standing on the landing knowing my own mother was downstairs listening that I could tolerate.

  “I come in peace.” I waved the chocolate bar I’d swiped out of my bedside cabinet on the way out of my room. Don’t judge me. I had needs.

  “Are you going to ground me again?” She laid sprawled on her bed staring at the ceiling.

  “Is it possible to ground you for any longer than I have?” I sat on the edge of her mattress, shuffling myself backward so there was enough space I didn’t fall off and land on my arse.

  “No.”

  “A nose piercing? Hannah, come on.” I stared at her little button nose. “You knew the school wouldn’t like it.”

  She shrugs. “So?”

  “Well sometimes you have to abide by the rules, even if you don’t agree.”

  The withering glance she shot in my direction made me cringe. “We can’t all be law-abiding perfect citizens like you, Mum.”

  Ouch.

  I was bleeding out here.

  “I’m not perfect, and nor am I law-abiding.”

  She huffed a breath. “No? Tell me one thing you’ve done that was wrong.”

  I studied my nails while I ran through some things to say. I mean there wasn’t much, not because I was a goody two-shoes, but just because I’d never done anything wrong.

  Matthew’s face in the car popped into my head. I needed to get a handle on this.

  I’d do anything to sit in that car again though.

  Without over thinking I forced words out through my lips. “Once, I really liked a boy.”

  She groaned. “Oh please.”

  “No… truth. I liked a boy, but I knew he had a girlfriend.”

  Her scowl melted, like an icy puddle just turning to water at the edges. “What did you do?”

  “I knew he wouldn’t be mine, but I hated the thought of him being hers, and because I’m me and I can’t tell people how I feel, I made myself into his best friend, so he’d be half mine and half hers.”