“Great.” I could cry at any given moment.
“What’s wrong?” I didn’t try to fool her. It wouldn’t have worked anyway. So, I laid it all out. And she fell far too quiet for far too long. “Ok. How much do you need and when do you need it by?”
“Too much too soon.”
She sighed. “I’m serious, Flannery.”
“Mom, tuition and books and room and board. It’s like fifteen thousand for next year. It may as well be a million. So what I’m saying is…you’re going to have your old roomy back a lot sooner than we thought.”
“Aren’t you staying in Michigan with Kendra?”
“Mom.” My voice had an edge that I didn’t mean for it to. “There’s no point in staying here if I can’t go to school in the fall because I’d have to come back at that time anyway. I was staying to save money.”
“Partly.” She knew me too well, this woman.
“Huh?”
“Are you saying money is the only reason you want to stay in Michigan?” I didn’t want to answer her. Saying his name would make me cry. I’d already climbed aboard the bullet train to Basketcaseville already. The thought of having only another six or seven weeks with him didn’t seem like enough. If I was being honest with myself, that would be all I had. Long distance rarely worked out. Even me the virgin knew it.
“No, but it doesn’t matter.”
“Ok, listen. We are going to figure this out. How long do we have?” I could already hear her rifling through papers.
“Tuition has to be paid right after classes end, along with a deposit on my dorm.” I gave her the information because I knew she wouldn’t stop until she got it.
“I’m going to talk to Stark about picking up a few shifts a week. Especially the weekend. You know I can make a few hundred each for Friday and Saturday.”
“No, Mom. I don’t want you doing that.” Late nights in a sweaty bar with drunk guys being gropey had been how we managed through my teen years. When I left for college, she’d been able to put all it behind her. She wasn’t going back because of me.
“Hey.” She snapped her fingers like she did when I was a kid. “I’m the mother here.”
“I appreciate that but honestly, it isn’t going to be enough.” We sat in silence for a long time. Even over the phone I could hear the wheels turning in her head. “So, what’s new there?” I wanted more than anything to stop discussing my problems and focus on her for a change.
“Nothing.” She said it a bit too quickly for it to be nothing. I pressed her on that one. “I decided not to tell you when you told me what was going on with you. But…Larry asked me to marry him.”
Man, it wasn’t my day. I was going to have to go back and live with my mom and a step-dad? I’d never lived with any guy before.
“And?”
“I said yes. But…” She started to ramble. “I’m going to talk to him and we’ll just be engaged for a long time. You come first, Flannery and—”
“Mom. Shut up for a second.” Time to be the grown up I liked to tell her I was. “I think he’s great. You should do it. I mean, if you love him that is.”
“Really?”
“Sure. You deserve to be happy. But you should tell him that if he ever hurts you, Kendra and I will fly home to rip his balls off.”
She laughed harder than I’d heard in ages. She must’ve been happy. We ended the call, both giggling after discussing more about the marriage. There’d be no wedding. Mom said that given her advanced age, it would be ridiculous. I reminded her that she wasn’t even forty yet. But she insisted. Quickie at the courthouse and promised it wouldn’t be until I came home.
I hung up feeling alone. I knew it was stupid even then, but my entire world had crumbled around me and my one constant was becoming someone else’s.
Chapter Fifteen
I stayed in bed until Sunday when Kendra burst through my door, grabbed my ankle and dragged me onto the floor. In her defense, I’d been ignoring them all weekend. I hadn’t sent Cain a text even when he showed obvious concern with more and more urgent messages.
“What the fuck?” I tried to kick her but she jumped out of the way.
“Oh, so you’re alive?”
“Sort of.”
“Cain has been blowing up my phone. He came over here but Super-Bitch said you were sleeping. She wouldn’t let him in under your orders.” She flopped into the desk chair, pulled out her phone, typed something up quickly then focused back on me. “So, what’s going on?”
“I just haven’t felt good.”
“Bullshit. What’s going on?”
“My mom’s getting married.” Lame excuse and I knew she’d see right through it. What else could I say?
“So, that means you have to treat your boy toy like an outcast. He thinks he fucked up but hasn’t a clue how.”
“He didn’t.” I took a deep breath. Well, if I had to get it out, it may as well be her first. “Who did you text?”
“Uh, Cain, dumbass. I also told him to stay away and that I’m handling things. So let me handle them.”
Chewing my lip didn’t bide me as much time as I would’ve liked. Instead, I went ahead and laid it all out for her. I was done in Michigan at the end of the semester. I also apologized profusely for backing out on the summer apartment plans.
“Like I care.”
An hour later, we still sat in my room staring at each other. I didn’t know what to say and I don’t think that for once, she did either.
“Is it that Larry guy?” It took a full minute to realize she was talking about Mom. I nodded. “Well, he didn’t seem like a dick.” And he wasn’t. “Listen, we’ve got some time so let’s not do anything rash.” I agreed because the last thing I wanted to do was tell Cain. “Besides there are a bunch of creative solutions.”
“Yeah right.”
“I’m serious. I heard this girl in South America is selling her virginity to pay medical bills for her mom. Creative. Too bad you don’t have anything like that to sell.”
She meant it as a joke but my eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. I didn’t take the time to contemplate if I could really sell my virginity or not. All I could focus on was that there may be a solution.
“You’re freaking me out. Why are you looking at me like that?” She eyed me suspiciously.
“What if I did?’
“Did what?”
“Christ, Kendra. Follow along. What if I had my virginity to sell? Is that even possible?”
She looked honest to goodness confused. Like her native language was English and I spoke in clicks. “Wait, what?” I kept watching her, waiting for her to put things together on her own. “Are you saying, Flannery Tate, that you are a certified virgin?” I nodded slowly. She hopped up and started pacing, her blond hair fanning out every time she turned in my little cubby-hole sized bedroom.
“Seriously, Flannery, you and Cain haven’t had sex?”
“No. We came close a few times but have always been interrupted.”
It was pretty funny to watch people’s brain wrap around things. This pushed her off her axis.
“And he’s still around?” She smirked.
“Shut up.”
“And you never did it in high school?”
“No for crying out loud.” I flung my hands in the air. “I said I’m a virgin. And I never had a boyfriend in high school. One dude but we just kissed.”
“Ok.” Kendra pulled the chair over right in front of where I sat on the bed so she could face me. “How much of a virgin are we talking here?”
“There are different levels?”
“Hells yes. You’ve kissed but how far have you gone?” I wasn’t sure how to answer her. “How should I say this?” She paused. “Has he…” she held up her index and middle fingers and wiggled them in the air.
I snorted. “No.”
“Ok, no penetration equals a virgin, so we’re good.” Kendra scooted back to the desk to flip open my laptop. While it booted she kep
t glancing back at me.
“What?” I rolled my eyes because I could’ve predicted what thoughts were in her mind.
“I’m just curious.” I flexed my hands in a way to say lay it on me. “What have you guys done? I mean, I assume he’s copped a feel.” She freaking honked her own breasts. “But what else? Have you given him a blowjob?” She made a graphic gesture with her hand along with the question. I shook my head. One or the other would have sufficed. “Has he…” Her eyes flitted down then back. I just continued looking at her. I couldn’t tell what the hell she was talking about. “Orgasm, Flannery.” Why was she exasperated with me?
“Yes, in Florida.”
Kendra smiled so widely I wanted to slap her perfectly white teeth out of her perfectly pretty head. “Good boy.”
She opened a browser and quickly sent an email while explaining it to me. Her brother, and this had to remain top secret, of course, hired an escort service when he came to see her last year. Now those were the things that were supposed to provide a gentleman with company for the evening, no sex included. However, for the right price, all things were on the menu. It was a way to get around the prostitution laws, she said. I don’t know what skeeved me out more…her brother paying for sex or the fact she knew about it. Then realization set in. If I did that, someone would be paying me for sex. For my virginity.
“I don’t know if I can do this.” My breath came up short. Serious hyperventilation set in.
“Of course, you need to think about it. I’m just going to get some info from him and we’ll go from there.”
I plopped onto my bed, sinking my head between my knees. At that point, even the thought of someone who wasn’t Cain touching me intimately, made me wanna puke. Oh God. I hadn’t even thought of Cain. This wasn’t something I could talk to him about. No, he couldn’t even know. He’d dump my ass in a second.
“Woah, slow your roll there, Nervous Nelly. We’re just getting information. Then you’ll think about what you want to do. I can tell you that my first time was such a monumental disappointment he should’ve paid me twenty thousand for it.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better but it wasn’t working. “But…Cain.”
Her face softened. “Like I said. We’ll talk.”
Kendra flipped the laptop shut, lectured me about acting like a normal human again, demanded I text Cain then strongly suggested I shower. Which I did. After getting washed up, which made me feel much better, I sent the text. Almost as soon as I hit send, my phone rang.
“Are you okay?” I’d never heard him sound so worried.
“Yeah, I just haven’t felt good the last couple of days.” I would stick with that story forever. Kendra also reminded me that until we figured out my situation, it’d be best not to get intimate with him. I needed my virginity in-tact, just in case.
“Are you sure? Because if I did something, Flannery, you have to tell me so I can grovel for your forgiveness.” Ah, there was the Cain that I loved.
After assuring him that wasn’t the case, he insisted he be able to see me. Begrudgingly, I agreed because honestly, I needed it. When he entered my room, I’d cuddled back on the bed. He kicked his shoes off and climbed in beside me. Those strong arms wrapped around my body, holding me to him. The safest place I could imagine. And I knew I knew that I’d do anything, including let some sketchy dude ransack my virtue, to be able to stay with him.
He brushed my hair away to kiss the spot where my neck met my shoulder. I sighed, relaxing into him when a thought occurred to me. More like a memory of something I hadn’t done. I flipped over, shocking him with my movement. He looked at me like I was about to attack him.
“I love you,” I blurted out. He smiled widely, touching his fingers to the side of my face.
“What?”
“I just realized I never said it back.”
“I didn’t want you to think you had to because I did.”
“I love you,” I said again. “I’m sorry about the last couple of days. I was just run down and pretty much crashed.”
“Flannery, I can’t stress this to you enough…please, please at the very least text me so I know you’re ok. I was going out of my mind.” I made that promise and would keep it. The edge of concern in his eyes would’ve made me agree to anything.
***
I did my best over the next week to act totally normal. Cain brought me coffee to class and continued to feed me. We didn’t spend any time alone at his place. I knew a conversation needed to be had but I’d avoid it until I couldn’t. And that day came Friday night.
Unable to avoid his apartment and honestly, not wanting to, I agreed on a staying in date complete with movie and popcorn. Dinner too if I wanted but he left it up me. My lips missed his, my skin missed the feeling of his against it. Over all I needed him near me.
The movie was fine but I couldn’t concentrate. My hormones kicked into overdrive since this was basically the first time we’d been alone since returning from Florida. And probably in part because you always want what you can’t have. And in this case I said I couldn’t have it. I wanted to kick my own ass. But above all else, I needed to stay in Michigan and I needed to stay in school. I wasn’t going to live my mother’s life. The one of menial honest jobs that paid next to nothing and created constant struggle. She’d kick my ass if I did. Growing up she made it clear not going to college wasn’t an option.
As he become more and more eager, and after arguing with myself for a while, I broke away because I knew I had to. Pushing his hands from my hips had to be the hardest thing I’d done in my life. Easier than saying good-bye, I told myself.
“Something wrong?” The breathless, sexy quality in his voice was seriously unfair. I pushed him a little further to allow me to sit up against the headboard.
“I…sorta need to talk to you.”
Cain shot up with wide eyes and face pulled tightly. It bordered on crazy.
“I need to…” I took a deep breath to steady my hands. I was more nervous about this than about telling him I loved him. Which was silly. “I need us…to slow down a little.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, I’m sorry. I know we’ve been moving in this direction and we talked about it in Florida…And I know I’m being stupid. I just…need some time.” I wanted to face palm myself. I sounded like a kid. No idea why I didn’t go with the lame “I’m not ready yet.” It would be a lie. I was more than ready.
“You’re killing me, Flannery.” He sat back next to me.
“I know. I’m sorry. I—”
“Not about slowing down. That’s fine. With the post vacation meltdown, not spending much time together and this, I thought …”
“Hell no. I didn’t mean to make you think I wanted to break up.” Pulling his hand to my lips, I kissed the palm. “I just need to work a couple of things out. That’s all.”
“Well that I can handle.” The concern left his voice and the tension left his shoulders. “But it’ll mean lots of cold showers. Who knows…maybe a stint in a padded room.”
My giggles landed with a thud against his neck where I’d buried my face. Even though it was hard as a rock, I couldn’t imagine a more comfortable place or one I’d rather be.
“So,” he sighed. “How slow we talking?”
“Not too slow.” Biting the inside of my lip couldn’t stop the smirk from appearing.
“So basically, you’re not ready for the big show.” I laughed. Both because he referred to it as “the big show” and because it was like he plucked the words I’d mocked right out of my thoughts. I couldn’t catch my breath so I nodded.
Chapter Sixteen
Cain and I found our comfortable pace. Even when it was hard to stop. Kendra and I spent a lot of time talking about what we started to refer to as “the solution.” Code word and everything in case someone overheard.
She went with me to meet Melody Johnson. I wondered if Melody was even her real name. We sat in the overly sexually charged of
fice to discuss if selling my virginity could really happen. Turned out it was. I’d have to see a doctor to get stamped as a grade-A certified virgin, which clearly wasn’t going to be a problem. Melody didn’t seem to think twenty thousand dollars would be unattainable. Actually, she said there were a couple of her regulars who would pay that or more right away. Horny old bastards.
“First things first,” she said. “The contract would be fairly straight forward however there would be no mention of the actual sex because prostitution is illegal in Michigan.” So, there would need to be some trust involved on the guy’s side. But they trusted Melody to ensure they’d get what they paid for. There would also be a clause in the contract that if all services were not met, I had to pay her commission. Twenty percent or four thousand dollars, which may as well been a million. Kind of a penalty to ensure I wouldn’t chicken out.
He would also be required to do blood work for STD’s because obviously if I checked out as a virgin, that wouldn’t be an issue for me. And lastly, a condom would be required. Which would’ve been a deal breaker for me but she said it was one of her non-negotiables anyway.
It was straightforward and Melody so nonchalant about it that I wondered if she’d done this before. But I didn’t ask. For my part, I did insist it be made clear that this was only for my regular virginity. There would be nothing more than vanilla intercourse because I couldn’t imagine addressing anything kinkier than that. She nodded and said it would be more than enough.
In the cab on the way back to campus, I started to think about the kind of guy who would do that. Which only lead me to what kind of girl would. And that didn’t go anywhere good. I let it escort itself right out of my head.
“Do you think I’m crazy?” I asked, standing outside my dorm. Kendra’s building was across the courtyard. She’d started in her direction but stopped and came back.
“No, Flannery, you’re just doing what you need to survive. It’ll be done and over with before you know it.”
“Maybe after I could pretend it never happen.” Even I didn’t believe that but after long hours of contemplating, it was a sacrifice I was willing to make.
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