“Totally. Then you can have your real first time with Cain.”
I hugged her tightly. I don’t know what I would’ve done without her.
***
The next day, I went to the student health center and got referred to Planned Parenthood. I told them I wanted birth control for terrible cramps. But after the exam, I got the doctor to sign the paper Melody gave me confirming I was in fact a virgin. He looked at me surprised and plainly curious. I told him it was for my parents. That I’d made a purity pledge but they started to question my commitment when I said I needed birth control.
The lies started sliding off my tongue too easily. I didn’t like it.
So with everything set on my end, I could only wait. Melody said she’d give it a few weeks and then call me with the details. I was glad not to have to talk to her before then. Talking to her made it even more real. Talking to her reminded me that I was lying to Cain. Talking to her made me hate myself.
Instead I tried to focus on being in college, spending time with my friends, and keeping myself pure when I was with Cain. But I was infinitely grateful that I had Kendra. And glad that she knew what I had decided, because then I had at least one person I could ask or tell anything. As things grew harder to resist, I could turn to her with my frustration.
“Hey,” I caught her walking into the cafeteria. “Got a question.”
“Shoot.” We kept moving as if I’d been right there beside her the entire time.
“Ok, so you know there are certain things I can’t do…” She nodded. Kendra had become far too accustomed to our code talk. “I feel bad because he’s…good to me.” The heat in my face spiked as an image of what he’d done to me the night before to bring on yet another amazing orgasm flashed through my head. The man spoiled me and I’d quickly become accustomed to it. “And he goes with nothing. I’ve never done freaking anything.” I threw my best pleading eyes. “Teach me, Yoda.”
Her laugh echoed down the hall catching a bunch of attention. “Teach you things I can,” she responded. “But you know you won’t believe me. So…look there’s Adam. Come on.” Kendra pulled me around groups of people scattered around the student union then pushed me into the booth across from Adam. His eyes jumped in surprise to see us. “Hey, baby.” She planted a messy wet kiss on his cheek.
“Why do I suddenly have a knot in my stomach?” He asked, eyeing us back and forth. That knot could be because of the many things we’d talked him into over the last two years. Even before he and Kendra were a couple, he usually gave in to us whether it be some weird location we wanted to see, within driving distance, or the time we got him to let us do his hair and make-up. There are pictures to prove it.
“Listen, Flannery and I were talking—”
“Kendra, drop it.” The burn of my cheeks started to flare up. She’d know this conversation would embarrass me. So, I tried to busy myself with a drink.
“We were talking,” her eyes urged me to keep quiet. She was going to do what she was going to do. “If a girl couldn’t have, like, intercourse, what would be the best way to keep her boyfriend happy?” Adam smirked in her direction. “No, I know, but Flannery doesn’t think my knowledge can be trusted.”
I took another, much too big, swig of my pop hoping the coldness would bring my rising temperature down. It did nothing.
“She could always blow him.”
I started to choke which made the cold fizz spurt out my nose. Adam laughed harder than I’d ever seen. At my expense.
“Sorry, Flan.” He wiped tears away. “Look, hands are good, too. Not as good as the other and neither is as good as actual sex. Does that help?”
I glared at him while trying to clean myself up. Luckily, nothing had gotten on my clothes and napkins took care of the rest. The humiliation would linger but that was nothing new.
“Wait a minute.” He stopped eating. “Are you telling me that Dorsey hasn’t gotten your pants off yet?”
My jaw tensed and I glared at him. It wasn’t anyone’s business and I hated that Adam now knew things. Kendra, being my best friend in the whole world, came to my rescue.
“Don’t be an idiot.” She rolled her eyes. “We were just disagreeing on the hierarchy of what guys prefer is all.”
He didn’t look like he believed her but also didn’t push any further. Although nothing stopped his laughter. As my horrible luck would have it, Cain approached the table. My stomach started to hurt. I wanted to die right then. Or at least crawl into a hole until everything was done.
Before he could get to me, I hopped up with my backpack and took off out of the union. I knew at the time that running out like that was childish and pretty stupid, but I couldn’t look Cain in the face while still embarrassed from the sex talk. Then a panic sent in. What if Adam told Cain what sent me running? I pushed the thought out of my head. Adam was my friend, too, and I didn’t think he would.
Unfortunately, I didn’t get too far before Cain fell into step beside me. I needed to start training to keep up with Kendra or haul ass when I needed to.
“So, what’s got you running?” Cain asked easily.
“Adam being a douche.”
“That doesn’t usually scare you off.”
“I just…wasn’t in the mood for it.”
His head bobbed but he was probably trying to figure my reaction out. It wasn’t like me to run from him. Usually I only ran toward him. Instead of asking, he slipped my backpack off my shoulder and put it on his own.
“Are you in the mood for a little you and me time?”
“Only always.” For the first time I glanced up to take in his face. And once again decided how lucky I was that he not only was gorgeous but loved me and didn’t mind my kookiness. And he always looked great which made everything harder. “You know you could look ugly once in a while so the rest of us know you’re human.”
His head shook but his smile couldn’t have been wider. “Maybe I’m not.”
***
The him and me time quickly dissolved into something like two teenagers trying to get some make out time in before their parents got home. His lips left mine to move to my neck, sucking gently every time he made contact. My entire body turned into a puddle of goo under his hands that slipped into the band of my jeans right above my ass. Although he’d gotten careful about hand placement, there’d been a few times that we’d both started exploring but it never led anywhere good. I mean, it was good but it turned bad. I hated when I had to stop it. Hated it! We were beginning to spend more time on his bed than anywhere else, and I yearned to let him take me wherever he wanted to go. But my future, our future, was on the line.
Not only did Cain raise my temperature but the thoughts of what I needed, wanted, to do was making me burn. I pushed him onto his back without pulling our lips apart, my hands roamed over his chest wanting to feel the muscles jump under my fingers, then stroked a path to his waist. Some sort of tormented groan caught in the back of his throat, vibrating my lips as they worked on his. That happened whenever my fingers passed a certain imaginary line that would lead to me copping a feel…taking the bull by the horns and all that.
I kissed my way down his chest, letting my tongue taste his skin. He sighed roughly and I could feel his eyes on me. Even though they were shaking, my fingers managed to undo his pants. My entire body tingled with nervous excitement now that this was happening. He moved with me so I could expose him to the air. I had no idea what he thought I might be doing. And though I had absolutely nothing to compare it to, he seemed to be of a good size once I fully released him. I bit my lips together as I finally understood how good that might feel going in. Before I could back out, I lowered my mouth to him.
“Woah.” He grabbed my shoulders when my lips barely touched the tip. “What’re you doing?”
The desire in his voice made me want to chuck it all. And made my heart ache a little. I had become completely sure of the decision since it was the only way I could stay in school. To stay with Cain.
But that didn’t mean I never second guessed myself in moments like those.
Needing two deep breaths before I could speak, my heart raced from being caught up and scared out of my mind. I wasn’t stupid. I knew one day I’d do this but the first time…a lot questions came up. Would I be any good at it? Would he enjoy it? I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know.
“Ok.” I tried not looking directly at him as my body burned. “I’ve never…” Instead of saying it, I pointed because I’m that big of a dork. “But I want to. Just tell me if I do something wrong.”
I didn’t let him try to talk me out of it and got back into action. Holding tightly, I leaned in and tried to remember everything Kendra had said. Licking, the pressure, slight use of teeth, all of it.
Cain’s head fell back, eyes closed, lips parted. I knew because I kept an eye on him. Another of Kendra’s tips. His hand bunched in my hair tight enough to feel, and I used the moans and groans, all good sounds, as a map of what I might be doing right. That and a few pointers from him, words coming out barely as whispers, gave me a little more confidence that maybe I wasn’t bad for a first timer. When his eyes connected with mine a new sense of purpose and exhilaration shot through me making the more sensitive parts of my body explode with desire.
One part I knew I wanted no part of—the end. I hung around girls who’d described it and…yuck. I definitely could do that one. Cain must’ve been able to read my mind because at the last possible moment he pushed me back. With the help of my hand, his release came within seconds. Have to say, I was slightly impressed with myself.
My heart pounded like a bass drum when I fell back beside him. I couldn’t believe I did it. Cain’s breath came in ragged huffs as his eyes drank me in.
“Hang on,” he said, jumping up and going into the bathroom, I assumed to do a little clean up. He came back out in a jiff with his pants secured, but hanging low, on his hips. He grabbed around my waist and pulled me into his side, facing him. I buried my face into his chest to avoid eye contact. He held me like that for quite a while before saying anything.
“So…” he said quietly. Forcing myself to find his eyes turned out to be easier than I’d expected. Once I pulled the trigger, so to speak, I wasn’t as freaked out as I thought I’d be. I wasn’t even over analyzing anything, so unusual for me. “You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know.” I pushed up to kiss him. I meant for it to be quick but he held me there. Literally held my face against his, deepening the kiss to the point where I couldn’t take any more. “I wanted to. You’ve earned it putting up with everything.”
“Flannery, I love you, so I’m happy with whatever.”
Just tired of thinking about everything, about my solution, about what it might mean to us, if I’d be forgiven if he ever found out and I wanted to be playful again. To be the us I started to fear losing.
“I don’t have to do it again if you didn’t like it.” I watched him through my lashes.
“Don’t get crazy now.” My giggles were silenced by his lips. “Do you think we’ll get to the other stuff any time in the near future?” Guilt gripped my heart. I couldn’t deny lying to him even just to myself. I knew that. It wasn’t like there were any delusions about the solution. But I also knew it was the only way. “Not that I don’t love everything we do.”
“Soon. Cain, I just need a little more time.”
His eyes tried to read mine. “But you still can’t explain?”
“Not yet.”
“And you’re sure it doesn’t have to do with us?”
“Lord no. If it was an issue I wouldn’t have done that. It’s all me. I promise. I just need a little more time.”
He nodded. “Will you tell me eventually?” I nodded because I would. I’d have to. “Ok. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”
We stayed there listening to each other’s breath in the room. His hand ran up and down the length of my body. His lips touched my neck, under my ear then traced my jaw.
“Stay with me tonight.” His words—nothing more than a whisper. And it wasn’t a question.
“I didn’t bring any pajamas with me.”
His cheeks rose against my skin then his teeth nipped my collarbone. “I think I’ve got something you can wear.”
I’d never thought about that little nugget before. How much boys like to see a girl wearing something of theirs. Without getting off the bed, I leaned forward, took off my shirt and bra dropping them to the floor before lowering his shirt over my body, the one he had been wearing when we first landed on his bed. Then stood up and took my pants off tossing them in the same pile.
Cain stared with his mouth slightly open. “That might be the sexiest thing you’ve ever done.”
Doubtful. I threw him a sideways smirk with a “Really?” sort of look.
“Ok, maybe not the sexiest thing. But it’s up there.”
He jumped onto the bed next to me, wrapping his arms tightly around my body where I stayed all those glorious hours until morning.
Chapter Seventeen
I wasn’t expecting anyone when a knock landed on my door. The Saturday plan had been to study. The further into the semester we got the harder things became and the more work everyone had to do. I hadn’t heard from Melody by this point and honestly became adept at pushing it out of my head completely. Almost.
“What’re you doing here?” My smile grew wide, it almost reached my ears. I hadn’t seen Cain since Wednesday, in class.
“We’ve got such nice weather,” Cain said as if it would mean something. I knew how nice the weather had become. Nice weather made it all the harder to concentrate on book work while getting a taste of spring. But we had just over a month of school left and all the projects were coming due. “Thought I could coax you out for some soccer.”
“I don’t know how to play soccer.” My hand clamped my hip. He knew this. Stating the obvious didn’t change the fact that I didn’t know how to play soccer.
Cain sighed and leaned against the door jamb. “I know that, Flannery. I just thought it would be a way to get you out of this damn dorm without threatening either of our sanity.”
He made a good argument. We were getting to the point of not being able to be trusted alone. And I knew he’d been dying to get the ball out, no pun intended, since the snow melted.
“Let me get changed.”
He looked like a kid who had just been given a puppy. He jumped inside so I could close the door.
“You can come with me.” I waved my hand behind me.
“Ah, I don’t think I can.”
“You’ll regret that decision.”
Right as I said those words, he heard the noises coming from Ava’s room. She had Jared in there with her. Cain got the picture. When you’re not able to have sex having to hear others do it made things worse.
“Maybe I will.”
He kept his back turned the entire time.
Zipping my hoodie as we got outside, Cain led me over to the field next to all the dorm buildings. At first, he kicked it lightly, instructing me how to stop the ball and using my instep to kick it back. I’m not the most athletic person he could have chosen to be out there with. He had to tell me a dozen times not to use my hands but whatever, I acted on instinct. I told him to stop kicking it at my head but he just laughed.
A couple of guys came over, then a few more, and we hand a full blown pick-up game on our hands. When the group grew to nine, I graciously bowed out saying I’d keep score. Those dudes got my gratitude. Cain actually got to play and I have to say, it was worth watching. Keeping my eyes on him, I figured out why his thigh muscles were rock hard when I touched him. Because they were. His entire body was.
***
In the weeks that passed since my first visit to Melody’s office, the idea of what I was about to do got easier. In my mind, it became a simple business transfer. I’d provide a service for which I’d be paid. Still didn’t know what to do about Cain, though. Do I keep my m
outh shut and cheat on him, or fabricate some argument or worse, lie to break up with him? I wasn’t sure. Kendra however had the opinion that I keep my mouth shut. What Cain didn’t know wouldn’t hurt him.
Of course it also didn’t help that she went through a lot of different options of who the lucky winner would be. She went from a Hobbit sized man baby to the overly hairy wolf-man of South America. Then he became a dentist with horseshoe baldness to the real life forty-year-old virgin. Though I knew she just tried to make me laugh about the situation and assured me that whoever he “won” would be completely normal looking. But it didn’t matter. He wouldn’t be Cain so I didn’t see any humor in it.
After long hours of agonizing over every detail, Kendra convinced me to go to this party. She tortured me, saying I hadn’t been to one in a long time, which I couldn’t deny. Cain would be there as far as I knew but I’d become a social hermit wanting to stay away from everything and everyone. It’d be good for me, she said. And since the whole point of the solution was to be able to stay and enjoy college, I decided to enjoy college.
I sent Cain a quick text and got an equally quick response saying he’d pick me up. He’d been going to more parties, having a few more drinks but still not to the point of getting drunk. The last time he’d done that was still the night I had to pick him up. Cain told me it wasn’t because he didn’t want to spend the time with me, actually, he’d much rather, but being around me became increasingly difficult. Public would be better and started to be our only option. He wasn’t even sure he’d be able to control himself then. His words were like a knife to the gut. And a lot of days, I hated the world.
To spare him the agony of being in a car with my scent, apple body spray, something he’d had a hard time with before, I sent another message saying I’d meet him there and walk with Kendra. He seemed ok with that.
The frat house already had the party in full swing, Alpha Phi Douchebags or something. The music boomed too loudly, the drinks were flowing freely which I refused one several times even before getting through the door. Drunk people suck. Kendra found Adam right away who pointed me in the direction he’d last seen Cain.
Up for Grabs (Up For Grabs #1) Page 12