Up for Grabs (Up For Grabs #1)

by Heather Young-Nichols

  I recognized Cain from behind as he stood in the back room where the music wasn’t quite as loud. The curve of each shoulder, the muscles in his back, even under a shirt, taut and strong, made me want to run up and wrap my arms around him. So I did.

  “Woah,” he said although I’d barely moved him because his muscles made him steady like a rock. “You better be careful, my girlfriend might kick your ass.”

  “Yeah, well, I’d like to see her try.”

  Cain turned with a smile. He knew it was me the whole time. Once again, I couldn’t help myself. His lips needed a good kissing. I didn’t even care that we were in public. I only knew that when Cain and I could actually have sex, it’d be monumentally mind blowing. Fact.

  “Ok. He pulled away with a slight heat to his face and a primal look in his eyes. “This is what I warned you about. Public isn’t even safe anymore. There are people everywhere and you attack.”

  “Sorry, sorry.” I sighed. “Hands and mouth to myself. Promise.”

  “Maybe you don’t have to keep them completely to yourself.” A well placed kiss to the temple had me giggling like a school girl. Very unlike me.

  Every so often, Cain would excuse himself from the group for one reason or another. I suspected he needed a minute to cool down became we still touched the entire time and if he felt even a tiny bit of what I did, he’d need the moment. He one said it was pretty difficult to focus with a perpetual hard-on. Men.

  In the silence between when one song ended and another began, someone yelled from across the room. I still stood near the window laughing with Kendra and had just caught Cain re-enter the area. He stayed across from me, content to drink me in with his eyes at that moment. Then Alex, the guy who’d approached me months ago in the cafeteria, the guy Cain went to school with, stood front and center, everyone had no choice but to focus on him, he took up all the air in the room. The moment he started to talk, I could tell he’d been drinking. Like I said. Drunk people suck.

  “So I noticed Cain Dorsey and his girlfriend are here tonight.” He swayed on his feet a little as Adam came up behind Kendra to watch the show. “We don’t get that very much. Someone likens themselves too good for the rest of us.”

  He directed that last part at me. He had to be because Cain went to a good amount of parties. I usually stayed home. But where he headed with this pronouncement, I had no idea. Cain moved into a much more aggressive stance, still across the room and put the beer bottle down somewhere. Guess he didn’t know where this was going either.

  “So, I went home last weekend and imagine my surprise when my brother, who’s still in high school, mentions that someone at our school is selling their virginity.”

  Kendra grabbed my arm hard and my face immediately caught on fire. He had to be fucking with us. There’d be no way he could know. Yet, I couldn’t take my eyes off him instead imagining all the ways I could try to shut him up. Where was a good spork when I needed one? And I couldn’t bring myself to seek out Cain’s face.

  “Apparently, my dad considered buying it and had a picture of the innocent girl.” Alex reached into his back pocket, bringing out a square that he unfolded into a picture. My picture. The one I’d given Melody.

  My stomach vaulted. I wanted to puke. My pulse sped up like I’d been running and I became as out of breath as if I had been.

  “Seems Miss Goody-Two-Shoes Flannery Tate’s been hiding a few things.” A murmur spread across the room. “Like you can only hit that if you have enough money to pay her.”

  Bile threatened to purge from my empty stomach. I couldn’t look at Cain. Imagining the look on his face was bad enough. I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t. That would’ve been admitting I was doing something wrong and give Alex a satisfaction I couldn’t allow. And I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Not really. Aside from crushing Cain’s heart, spirit, trust, and any chance of a future with him. I hated myself in that moment. Even more, I hated Alex.

  I didn’t realize until then that my hand had clamped over my mouth. His eyes were on me, I could feel them. Slowly, I blinked my way up his body to find his face. I wished I hadn’t. But once I did, I couldn’t look away. His eyes held mine in place whether I liked it or not. There was so much pain, more anger than I’d ever seen. And I was right about crushing him. And even worse…by morning it’d be everywhere.

  “I’ve been passing this can around, Flannery; we’re up to twenty-two fifty. How much will it take to get your man Cain laid?” Alex’s laugh mixed in with the other snickers and jeers. The only faces in the crowd not enjoy his display were Cain, Adam, me, and Kendra.

  “Flannery, come on,” Kendra tugged the hem of my t-shirt. “We don’t need to be here.” Her eyes were tearing up like mine.

  I couldn’t move. My feet wouldn’t obey. Like they were cemented in place.

  “I don’t know though,” Alex kept going. “She is a virgin and won’t know how to…well…do anything. Is she really worth more than twenty?”

  The next thing I knew, blood flowed from Alex’s nose. A thick stream of red trickled into his mouth and down, staining his shirt. Adam grabbed him by the shirt shoving him against the wall then landed a hard blow to his stomach. How Adam got across the room so quickly, no idea. He’d been standing right next to me then he was across the room. Kendra jumped out of the way as all the other guys started in. Some to help Adam. Some not.

  In the few seconds it took me to assess the situation, Cain came to me, grabbed my elbow, a little too hard, and yanked me from the room. The darkness took over the outside. The street was empty. The only sound came from inside and me trying to breathe in the chilly air to put out the fire in my stomach. What had I done? How did this happen?

  I wished I could go back, ten minutes would be good, and stop everything from starting. Go back to a time when Cain didn’t know about my plan, we could be happy and he wouldn’t look at me this way.

  “He’s lying, right?”

  “I’m sorry. I should’ve told you.” I tried to keep it together but lying at this point wouldn’t do anybody any good.

  “Told me?” He ranted. “Are you serious right now?”

  A shiver ran up my body. It could’ve been the situation or the crispness of the night, I don’t know which. Soon, my whole body shook. Vibrating in anticipation of what I thought would be coming from him next.

  “What the fuck, Flannery?” He yelled loudly. It echoed off the houses. I couldn’t blame him. His face contorted with a rage I hadn’t seen before. I could see it pulsating under his skin. And I was scared. Not of him but of his words and how our world fell apart. How it was my fault. Why I’d come up with the solution in the first place and thought I could get away with it, I’d never know.

  “Tell me this isn’t true. Tell me it isn’t.” His pleading voice demolished me.

  “I can’t.” My voice came out just a whisper.

  “So you’re…” His voice cracked and I wanted to go to him, hold him, and promise I’d back out. But I couldn’t. “You’re giving your virginity to the highest bidder?” Nothing I could say would change anything at that point because I’d already promised myself I wouldn’t lie. “Fucking perfect.” As he turned, the streetlight hit his face and I could’ve sworn I caught the glimpse of something going on in his eyes. I’d never seen a guy cry before except on TV.

  His eyes were watering and if I hadn’t already felt like the lowest form of scum that would’ve gotten me there. I thought he might punch the side of the house. Instead he gripped it as hard as he could. Every muscle flexed in his arms before he turned back to me.

  “So, you wouldn’t have sex with me—”

  “I wanted to.” I should’ve shut up and let him get it all out. But at the same time, I couldn’t. He needed to know this was for him, too.

  “But you didn’t.” He yelled again. This time I flinched. “You’re going to sleep with some stranger. Why?” I shook my head. “Why?” Again, too loud.

  “I don’t have a choice.” My own tears
couldn’t be reined in any longer. I may have been a virgin but I’d broken up before and I had no doubt that’s exactly what was happening. “I love you, Cain.”

  “No choice? Why are you doing this?”

  Just then a small group of people came out of the building, walked in between us but didn’t stop gawking and whispering until they were far enough away I couldn’t see them.

  “To stay here, Cain. I love you so much, I couldn’t leave. If I can’t come up with the money for tuition for next year then I have to go home. Then this,” I waved my hand between us, “is over.”

  “It is anyway. You were going to fucking cheat on me, Flannery. And you are turning yourself into a fucking prostitute. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” He turned, walking away from me.

  “Cain!” I didn’t get a chance to make it better, not that it would’ve mattered. I couldn’t make anything better. He’d spoken the truth and I couldn’t lie to myself. Or him.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I felt as if I’d been sucker punched in the gut, literally instead of metaphorically. The ache turned out to be as physical as emotional. Like when you have the flu and haven’t thrown up yet but know you’re going to. The watery mouth and weird tingling in your throat. For the first time since going away to college, I heaved my stomach contents into the bushes outside a frat house. Not as glamorous as I’d expected.

  Already on my knees, my forehead lowered until it hit the ground and I cried. Full on ugly cried. Huge crocodile tears burned down my face yet didn’t make my heart feel any better. Later, no idea how long, hands lifted me off the ground. Kendra on one side, Adam on the other, trying to help me walk. Those damn feet still wouldn’t work.

  Adam swept me up into his arms. I let my head fall against his shoulder. It felt too heavy to hold up anymore.

  Back at the dorm, Kendra helped me get changed and tucked me in tightly before leaving. Neither she nor Adam asked any questions. Of course, she knew every detail and could tell him whatever he wanted to know. I did hear them debating in the common room about whether to leave or not. She assured him I would need to have some time to myself. I appreciated her. My big, fat ugly cry would last a while and the less people to see that, the better.

  As for me. In that moment, I felt like I would die. Could I even live with a heart broken into a million pieces? Each part beating its own separate time? I wasn’t sure it was possible.

  Tuesday morning, having slept completely through Monday, I actually forced my body to move against all of its protesting. I washed it in a hot shower and tried to bribe it into acting normal. The longer I stayed away from everyone, the worse it would be. I wasn’t doing anything illegal, not technically, and I couldn’t fail the semester otherwise all my effort would have been for nothing. I would’ve lost Cain for nothing.

  Still, I didn’t return to class until the next morning. I stood outside my Communications class like an idiot, staring at the open door, debating whether I’d actually go to go in. Cain would be in there. As would dozens of hard eyes judging me. Of course, if he hadn’t arrived yet he’d see me out there. Lucky for me, I didn’t have to make the choice. I’d be held accountable by someone else.

  Adam flung his arm around my shoulders the same way he would have before all hell broke loose. I could’ve kissed him. In two days, I’d come to miss normal very much.

  “Hey, Flan. Why are you just standing here?” I looked up into an ocean of blue, which happened to be the first kind ones I’d seen that morning. “Oh, right. Well, you have to go in eventually.” I shrugged. “How about this? You don’t look like total shit.” Adam let one side of him mouth slide up slightly.

  I laughed. It took too much effort, yet an honest laugh anyway. Adam became the brother I’d never wished for but was glad found me. Then I let him lead me over the threshold while holding my breath.

  Cain wasn’t there. I let out a rush of air and took my seat. Once again, all eyes were on me, whether a glance or stare or some of the guys undressing me with their eyes. I’d just have to get used to it.

  “He was here Monday.” Adam leaned up as far as he could and whispered when he saw me looking at the empty desk.

  “Did you talk to him?” I went there. I hadn’t planned on asking. I didn’t want to bring Adam into my mess or put him in the middle.

  “Not really. I mean we spoke but we didn’t ‘talk’.” Yes, he used air quotes.

  Cain walked in right then taking up all the space and air in the room. I allowed myself one greedy look then followed him in my periphery. He gave no indication of noticing I even existed. I deflated. I hadn’t been expecting a warm welcome, obviously, but I hadn’t bet on this. Then Professor Hendrick came in, scanned the room as usual. The way his eyes popped in surprise when he saw me, I knew the news even reached even the faculty. Perfect.

  I had no idea what he lectured about that day. My eyes stared ahead and I willed myself not to start crying again while counting down the minutes until I could get back under my blanket.

  The last fifteen minutes of class, Hendrick wanted us in our groups to analyze one of the member’s nonverbal cues. If everyone valued their life, it wouldn’t be mine.

  “Adam, just email me everything, ok?” Cain spoke for the first time while shoving a pad of paper into his backpack.

  “Sure, man.”

  Then he was gone.

  I don’t know how but I made it through the class and found my way back in bed not sleeping before I knew it. Cain was pissed. I expected dirty looks, snide comments, maybe even yelling. I didn’t expect to be completely ignored as if I’d never existed. If he’d hit me, it would’ve hurt less.

  Like the walking dead, I went to my afternoon class to as many stares and whispers as the morning. Instead of giving any of them the benefit of a reaction, I concentrated on every word coming out the professor’s mouth. Even when I could have zoned out.

  After my classes were done for the day, I realized I hadn’t eaten since late Tuesday morning, so I slipped into the cafeteria, grabbed a yogurt and apple, and slipped back out before anyone could see me. Cain sat in the far corner with a book open in front of him. He didn’t notice me.

  It wasn’t until Friday that the whispers became something more. Apparently, the highly motivated academic scholars at my school needed an entire week to get organized. They became much more open about calling me a whore, especially in the student union. The girls were better about attempting to talk about me behind my back. Not successful but a better attempt.

  The guys…they turned raunchy. Wondering loudly how any girl’s vagina could be worth twenty thousand dollars as well as their not very well thought out theories as to why Cain couldn’t close the deal. The stuff about me, I shrugged off. The things about Cain, I wanted to enact great feats of violence against.

  Unable or unwilling to stomach any more, I spent the weekend in my room. It turned out to be a happy little cocoon of silence until Ava showed up Saturday night. Only once did I break down and send Cain a text. To tell him yet again how sorry I was that I’d hurt him. How sorry I was that everyone knew our business and about the things being said about him. I may have said I missed him. He didn’t respond. I hadn’t expected him to.

  “Flannery, get your ass out here,” Ava called. I could only imagine what she wanted. She wasn’t alone. Jared took up almost the entire couch. “What the hell is going on?”

  “You weren’t at the Alpha Douchebag party Sunday?” She shook her head. “Oh.”

  “I’ve heard things but I found this being passed around at the library.” She held up a flier. Rage ran through me and I wanted to punch something. I hoped Jared wouldn’t choose right then to be inappropriate. Otherwise he’d get my fist in his face and foot in his balls.

  The flyer advertised a fundraiser to see how much could be raised to try to get me to lose my virginity in public. They used different works but I choose not to remember.

  “Ah, that’s gross.”

  “So, what
I’ve heard is true?” I nodded. Ava fell to her knees in front of the chair I’d taken which forced me to look her in the eye. “You should’ve come to me. I’m your friend, too.” She can’t possibly make this about her. Then again, Ava actually could.

  “I know. Kendra was literally the only one to know because I needed some help.”

  “Figures that tramp would be in on this.”

  “Hey,” I hopped up. I couldn’t defend myself but could defend my friends. I had too few not to. “This was all me. She wasn’t pimping me or anything. She was trying to be my friend.”

  “Does this mean we won’t be seeing Dorsey’s ugly mug around here anymore?” Jared piped up. I wanted to invoke a multitude of violent acts against his face, his shins, his balls, but instead I started to cry.

  “Out!” Ava yelled. He tried to protest but she kept pushing him away as if she had a broom in her hand. He kissed her cheek quickly then slammed the door behind him.

  “He didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I promise.” She was probably right. Jared could be douchey but he wasn’t usually cruel. Either way I didn’t have the energy to be mad at him. I didn’t have the energy to do much of anything.

  Ava let me cry on her shoulder. She let me soak her shirt with my tears until it became almost see through. The entire time she stroked my hair the way my mom had when I was a kid. Then tucked me back into bed, said she’d go out for provisions and would be back soon.

  Again I got let alone with my thoughts. Which was the last place I wanted to be.

  I checked my phone a million times in case he’d texted back. He hadn’t. And while it sucked, I knew he wouldn’t.

  Monday morning, I had to face the music again. I wished everyone would find a new station because the crap they were sputtering got exhausting. I sat in Communications with my arms across my stomach and forehead on the desk wishing the entire room would disappear. The sick feeling in my stomach hadn’t left since the frat party and my life went to hell. When I heard rustling in the seat next to me, I didn’t look over because I seriously couldn’t stand to see the pain and anger in his eyes. Or the sadness because as pissed off as Cain was, he was also hurting. And I put it there. Adam finally arrived too. He patted my back as he walked by and clasped a hand on my shoulder in solidarity. Sometimes I wished he ignored me like most of the others because then none of the ugliness would be directed at him. Finally I sat up straighter staring ahead.