“I don’t know,” a male voice from back said loud enough for the entire class to hear. “Maybe Burger can get what Dorsey couldn’t.” My eyes closed to keep everything in control.
“It’d be better than the prosthetic pinkie I hear Cain’s packing.” Girls suck. Especially caddy, surgically enhanced bimbos.
I dropped my head to the desk again, much harder, with a louder smack reverberating against the walls. Luckily Hendrick came in right before things got out of hand. From the corner of my eye, I watched Cain’s hands ball into a fist and release a few times. Clearly he worked at controlling his reaction because he was pissed. And should’ve been.
“Today we’re going to discuss non-verbal cues in relation to sex.” The class erupted in giggles, some too loud to be real. Apparently the universe truly hated me.
“Yeah, like sliding the envelope full of cash across a table,” Xaviar Beckett’s voice filled the room. Football jock with possibly the lowest IQ allowed in a college. I should’ve skipped that day. When Hendricks recognized me as he scanned the class and lectured on being mature adults, his lips pursed together.
“Slight tweak to the topic. We’re going to talk about how culture views sex and make our way into non-verbal cues.” I could’ve kissed that man at the end of class. I wouldn’t because with all the rumors out there about me, it would’ve ruined his reputation.
He talked about sex as a commodity. Something men want, something women have, and every encounter involves an economic exchange of some kind. While it may not always be money, it could be dinner, a concert, or anything a guy does to impress his girl and in the end to get sex. Every time you have sex with someone he wanted us to think about what we’re getting in exchange. What service or goods not directly related to the sex did we hope to get? He also briefly discussed that in a lot of cultures, sex for money was the only way girls and women are allowed to make a living. He said the US is somewhat repressed by puritanical ideals that were brought over on the Mayflower.
Anything he said after that became lost to me because at that point I could only pretend to pay attention.
Chapter Nineteen
I didn’t see Cain outside of class very much. He could’ve been avoiding me, lying low in general, or been busy. I missed him. So much that the brick resting in my stomach hadn’t moved since the moment he found out that I’d decided to sell my virginity. I didn’t even have the chance to see him walking across the quad, kicking that damn soccer ball to take out his frustration or eating in the student union, which he did between classes sometimes.
That day I avoided him even seeing me by hitting the ladies room. I didn’t actually need to use it but hid in the stall for a few minutes anyway just for some space. About to leave, a gaggle of female voices filled the room. I held up because I’d been confronted far too many times already.
“Well, what did he say?” One girl asked.
“Not much, Shelly. Did you see him? He’s humiliated.”
“What’d that girl have that we don’t?” The Shelly voice asked. “I mean you hooked up with him, Erin and apparently, she wouldn’t even put out.”
Oh, sweet baby Jesus, I did not want to be there for this conversation. Those two voices had to belong to Erin Kramer and her best friend Shelly Something-or-other. Which meant the other couple of girls were their equally bitchy friends. Course the jealousy over knowing that Erin freaking Kramer and Cain were together at one point about pushed me over the edge.
“I know, but that was last semester. Ever since that Flannery girl got her hooks in him, he hasn’t looked at me twice. Now that she’s yesterday’s trash…who knows. I’m working on it.”
Yesterday’s trash? Seriously? Aside from talking shit about me, hearing that Cain hooked up with such hoe-bag made my skin crawl. Then again, she was pretty easy so I guess I wasn’t surprised. My “anger problem” as Cain had once playfully called it, still boiled under the surface. I couldn’t stay in there any longer. Out the door I came face to face with five overly made-up bitches startled by my sudden movements.
“Oops,” Blonde Bimbo number three said in a poorly concealed whisper.
“No problem, Becca,” Erin smiled. “She knows what she is.”
I nodded. “I do know what I am. I also know what you are. Somehow I’m still very glad to be me.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, I heard you say you hooked up with Cain. I also know that you hooked up with Adam and Jared last year. Those are the ones I know of. Imagine all the ones I don’t.”
Then I hit the door pausing as I stepped outside.
“A whore and a bitch. So sad,” Erin’s voice found its way out of the bathroom.
Cain made his way down the hall which is what stopped me cold. He paused as well, heard Erin and saw my face. He could guess Erin spilled the beans on their activities. I had no right to be upset. I knew long ago Cain had a past but didn’t like having it thrown in my face now that we were over. After a deep breath, I went on my way, pushing past him and another guy.
***
My only night class, which met once a week, remained one of the few things I still enjoyed. We were discussing A Room of One’s Own by Virginia Wolf. Something I could get behind and the class was rather small, which given the circumstances, I appreciated. Not to mention, and I didn’t know if it was a literary thing, but not one person in class said a word to me. Yes, a few looks were thrown my way. People had questions but no one would ask.
Starting the walk back to the dorm, on the complete other side of campus, my pace moved a little slower than normal. We’d been having such cold temperatures even as spring approached, with the warm up, I wanted to enjoy it. Until I got some unwelcome company.
“Hey,” he called. “You’re that chic, right?” I kept walking, praying he’d lose interest, go away or fall into a sewer. He didn’t. “Yeah, you’re…Flannery, right?” His arm went around my shoulders. His black hair hung in a mess around his face completely obscuring his eyes, which I didn’t want to look at anyway. He looked like the stoner type everyone thought they’d left behind in high school. With ripped jeans and a leather jacket, I’m sure he thought he looked like a rebel. I thought he looked like a thug.
“Don’t touch me.” I tried pulling away but he grasped my shoulder too strongly. There’d be finger shaped bruises there in the morning.
“I don’t know how much you’re looking for, baby, but I can guarantee you wouldn’t regret taking less from me. I’ll more than make up for it.” His bad breath assaulted my face. I just wanted to get some fresh air.
“Let go of me.” My jaw clenched shut.
“Come on, baby.”
I’d never seen this guy before but he spun me around and clasped his hands on my hips like we’d been already been intimate. His breath smelled of cigarettes, whiskey, and Doritos when he slammed a sloppy kiss onto my cheek. When his hand cupped my breast, the fight in my fight or flight kicked in. My body twisted trying to get out of his grip, yelling at him to let go. I tried kneeing him in the balls but he held me close enough I couldn’t get the advantage. Finally, I used his weight against him and put some space between us. Not a lot, but enough for a large mass, a person I thought, wedged in between us with force.
I fell backwards onto the grass, slamming hard into the still mostly frozen ground and looked up to find Cain in the guy’s face. I didn’t notice the throbbing in my elbow right away but since I’d landed on it first, the pain was inevitable.
“Keep your fucking hands off her.”
“I’m not gonna pay to get into those panties,” the guy spat back too drunk to be scared. Cain jabbed his hands into the guy’s chest shoving him a good two feet.
“Get the fuck out of here before you can’t.” His voice sent shivers down my spine. I couldn’t imagine what his face looked like. The guy probably shit himself or would if he remembered this in the morning.
Then, my would-be attacker was gone and Cain held his hand out t
o help me up. I took it ignoring the pleasurable warmth that spread throughout my body the moment we touched. I wasn’t allowed to have those feelings any more. We were moving slowly next to each other, close but careful not to touch again.
“Headed to the dorm?” He finally spoke first.
“Yeah. I had a class.”
“I know.” He shoved his hands firmly in his pants pockets.
Of course he did. He’d escorted me home more than once before. Now he didn’t want to be near me. If nothing else, I didn’t try to hide the truth from myself. Because he didn’t want some dude accosting me on the sidewalk didn’t mean anything else had changed. “Erin’s a bitch. She shouldn’t have said those things.”
“Yeah, there’s a lot she shouldn’t have said. But hey, I’ve earned all this.” He didn’t disagree. I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs but even that wouldn’t make me feel better. “You don’t have to walk with me. I’ll be fine.” Dear lord I wanted him to, but sort of worried about the aftermath, not to mention the gossip about him finally started dying down as far as I’d been hearing. He didn’t need to be seen with me.
“Right,” he snorted. “So any horny asshole can try to have his way with you?”
I didn’t know what to say to him. I guess I should’ve been grateful he talked to me at all. Even I had to admit I felt safer with him beside me. Late night on campus had always been creepy but with everyone knowing about my plan, it’d gotten much worse.
“Thanks. For that.” He nodded. I took a deep breath and let it all out. “I know this is inappropriate with everything going on, but you’re not talking to me and I don’t know when I’ll have another chance, I have to ask. You said you love me. You said it. Has that changed?”
It took so long for him to answer I started to think maybe I didn’t want to know. Tears burned in the back of my eyes ready to release if he said yes, everything’s changed.
“Fuck, Flannery. I wish it had. This would be a hell of a lot easier.” His hands reached out into the ether, grasping at nothing. He sounded sad I wanted to punch myself in the face. Cain quickly shoved his hands back in his pockets and a little surge of hope sprung up thinking maybe he did that to ensure he wouldn’t reach out to me. Unlikely but nothing about our situation was logical. In the moment, I wanted to tell him I changed my mind. To throw everything away so he’d hold me once more. But this was my life and it had to be about more than just him. A college dropout didn’t exactly have a bright future. We approached my dorm and I couldn’t get myself to go in right away. I should have. I really should have.
“Ah, just a heads up, Erin’s got her sights set on you.” The information didn’t seem to faze him. Of course he already knew. “I mean, I hear she can be pretty ruthless.”
“You would know, right?” I sucked some air between my teeth because his words stung. Ouch. Low blow. I kept reminding myself that he was angry. He was angry and maybe if I let him get it out he’d get past it. It was the only thing keeping me going.
“Yeah.” I nodded absently. “I guess just think of it as one slut warning you about another.”
His face turned completely unreadable. I hated this. Hated this. He used to look at me like I was a prize he hadn’t thought he could win. Now he looked like he wanted to run.
“Christ, Flannery, I’m trying to keep my cool here,” his voice came out too loud. Luckily things were pretty dead outside. We only drew a few people’s attention. Nosy bystanders trying to hear the latest on campus drama. After calming himself by running a hand over his face, he continued. “I didn’t have sex with Erin.” Well, that surprised me. Both the admission and the fact he felt the need to tell me. It said something, right? “I mean…she did things…”
The mental picture alone made me wish I could pull my brain from my head and run it through a dishwasher. Instead I laughed sadly.
“I guess she and I really are the same then.” I shouldn’t have said it. I should not have said it. I couldn’t help myself. His face exploded. Eyes wide and jaw tense.
“It’s not the fucking same.” His eyes held mine before he walked away. It wasn’t going to get any easier. And I never got the chance to ask what that meant.
What did he mean it wasn’t the same? I only had a couple of flights of stairs to obsess about it. Not nearly long enough but I’d make it part of a conversation with Kendra. Probably over ice cream.
I sighed in disgust when I found several disgusting offers tacked to the board on the door of my room. All were addressed to me, of course, and they added a crude drawing on the dry-erase board. It wasn’t a very good one but it was supposed to be me and a group of guys and I was on my knees. Assholes. Wiping my hand across the drawing, I smeared it into oblivion not caring about how black my hands turned. The notes I left. I couldn’t deal with those.
I hadn’t cried in a while so this was as good of a time as any. I soaked my pillow until I had nothing left to give and fell asleep.
***
My non-class days turned into study time. In my almost two years of college I’d never worked ahead. But now I’d gotten far enough ahead, I just wanted it to be time for finals. I’d also been talking to Kendra here and there about going home instead of staying in Michigan, both for the summer as well as school. She’d be disappointed, of course, but she had Adam and he would’ve been at our apartment all the time anyway. I wasn’t so sure I could enroll next year and see Cain around campus. At least I’d be able to transfer to a university closer to home because I’d still have the money.
Mom and I had been playing phone tag but the emails remained consistent. I told her nothing about what was happening here, not even that Cain and I weren’t together anymore. I couldn’t get the words out. Especially after her phone call about her and Larry living together in the near future. It made sense. They were getting married after all. I was going to have a stepdad? Weird. I’d never lived in a house with a guy which made going home even less appealing.
So, my Thursdays were spent in the library. At least there people kept the whispering to a minimum. When Alex came through the door, loud and obnoxious as usual, I took it as my cue to slip out. I didn’t want another run in with him because I wasn’t sure my temper would be controlled.
“Flannery Tate,” Sam bellowed down the hall after I’d left the library. I’d seen him, of course I’d seen him, he was usually hard to miss. And he was the reason I went left instead of right. I didn’t want to talk to him.
I wasn’t sure I could handle a confrontation with Sam. We’d become friends and if the same scathing words came from him as they were everyone else’s, I didn’t think I’d handle it as well. Avoiding him completely was my best option once the news broke at the party. He caught me. Because people didn’t exactly get out of my way these days. The longer they could hold me up, the longer they could torment me. And it was getting old.
“What do you want, Sam?” I asked when I saw he’d caught up out of the corner of my eye.
“I need to talk to you.” I didn’t slow down. “About Cain.”
Stopping right there, I searched his face for any sign of what was to come.
“Is he ok?”
“Of course he isn’t ok.” I knew he meant emotionally by the look on his face. “You’ve gotta find a way to fix this.”
“What?” I didn’t really think Sam believed anything I’d done could be fixed. “He made it pretty clear that it’s over. I can’t fix anything.”
“You don’t understand.” His voice rose several notches drawing a few sets of eyes. “He stays in his room all the fucking time listening to some girly fucking music about missing your face like hell. He’s drinking…a lot.” My heart shattered. Tears flooded my eyes because I missed his face, and every other part of his body. There were days I didn’t think I’d survive. “I think there’s a smell coming from in there. It’s getting pretty ugly. Fix it!”
Trying to laugh at the last part, even the smile that appeared didn’t reach my entire face. I fel
t it.
“I’m serious, Flannery. I feel like one of these days I’m gonna get home and find him sitting on the kitchen floor crying into a pint of Chunky Monkey. Then we’ll have to talk about feelings. Maybe he’ll want to talk about when he started his period and shit. I can’t do that.”
That was one of the first things to get an actual belly laugh out of me since the whole story broke. Leave it to Sam to show his actual concern while cutting Cain down.
“You love him, right?” I nodded and his face softened. “Then fix it.”
Walking away from someone willing to talk to me about Cain was difficult. But the crowd of lookie-lou’s had grown too big. And as the current main attraction on campus, I needed to get the hell out of there.
“He won’t forgive you,” Sam yelled out after me making my entire body clench. He wasn’t saying anything I didn’t already know. I’d just been too afraid to admit it.
But it was all I ever thought about.
Chapter Twenty
Friday night had been designated girls’ night. Kendra came over with the intention of staying the night. She, Ava, and I did in fact gorge ourselves on ice cream and watch TV. The mint chocolate chip I’d chosen did nothing to make me feel any better but the company did. As soon as Kendra got there, we all changed into our very comfortable but not very attractive jammies and took over the living room. Since the dorm wasn’t very big, we were quite cozy.
Up for Grabs (Up For Grabs #1) Page 14