Inhale, Exhale

by Sarah M. Ross

  Shaking off my naughty thoughts, I followed him. By the time I made it through the crowd to the booth, there was nowhere left to sit. It was a tight squeeze before he arrived, and even as petite as I was, there was no way I was fitting in there as well. I tucked my hair behind my ear as I stood, weighing my options while I tried to find my voice.

  “Hey, y’all,” I greeted, barely above a whisper. Why did I suddenly feel like this was a first date? Ridiculous!

  “Hey, there you are!” Tonya yelled, finishing the last of her beer before taking another from the tray. I could tell it probably wasn’t her first by her already slightly slurred speech. “Have a seat right there.” She pointed to the sliver of space next to Grant. “Don’t mind him. He won’t bite—trust me, I’ve tried!” She laughed heartily at her own joke, and the group joined in. I could feel the heat rising to my face again and quickly pulled my hair from behind my ears to cover my face.

  Gone was the confident nineteen year-old. Instead, a shy pre-teen had somehow managed to take over my body. Maybe it was being with a group of new people I didn’t know very well or the fact that Grant was eyeing me like the last piece of chocolate cake. I wasn’t sure if my body was telling me to run or get closer. I’d never been so conflicted about my feelings and I hated it. I liked straightforward. I liked knowing where I stood with people. This was unsettling.

  Everyone squished in even more, and I sat precariously on the edge, trying not to touch Grant, who still hadn’t taken his eyes off of me. This of course made me blush even more. Eventually, he threw his arm around me and pulled me closer.

  “Don’t want you to fall, Cupcake,” he whispered, removing his arm and placing it back on the table in front of him.

  I didn’t reply. I’d suddenly swallowed sandpaper. Grant’s knee rubbed up against mine, and the butterflies in my stomach went wild. I reasoned with myself that there were six people jammed into this booth, and he wasn’t doing it on purpose. But I didn’t move and continued to believe my own lies so I wouldn’t have to move away from his touch.

  A trickle of sweat ran down my back, reminding me of my dream. I shook my head as if it would clear the image.

  It didn’t.

  “Do you want something to drink?” Grant leaned over and whispered in my ear.

  His silky voice almost melted all of my resolve, and I clutched at my purse in order to resist touching him. I couldn’t find my voice, so I nodded yes. I started to stand to get out of the booth, but he placed his hand on my wrist to stop me. My entire arm tingled from the touch, like when I slept funny and had pins and needles when I woke up.

  “Don’t move,” he whispered again, and then raised his right hand to motion to the bartender. “What would you like?”

  I couldn’t think of words. The only thing I seemed to be able to focus on was his hand still covering mine, and his knee still against my own.

  “Jillian?” he asked again, bringing me back to reality.

  “Just a Coke. Thanks.”

  The bartender hadn’t seen his first attempt, so Grant whistled, using two fingers, and called the order out. The bartender brought it right away. I took a giant gulp, hoping to dislodge the lump in my throat and regain any ability to speak like a normal human being.

  Grant chuckled as a dribble of Coke ran down my chin and removed his hand from my wrist to give me a napkin. My hand felt cold without his touch, and I wanted it back.

  “So, Jillian, have you ever bowled before?” a girl I recognized from the accounting department asked. It reminded me that we were not alone at this booth, and an embarrassed flush rose to my cheeks.

  “Yeah, a few times when I was a kid. It’s been years though. I hope I don’t hurt y’alls record tonight or anything.” I played with the straw in my cup to keep my hands occupied.

  “Nah,” Grant reassured me. I turned to him when he spoke, and saw the slightest amount of longing in his eyes. Or maybe it was only my own reflected back at me. “We only play for fun. We’ve had the worst record in the league for two years running. You could score negative tonight and it wouldn’t hurt us any.”

  “Oh please, Grant,” the girl spoke up. “You haven’t been to a league night in over two months. I’m surprised you could grace us with your presence tonight. What, you got tired of living like a shut-in?”

  Grant’s jaw tightened, and there was a slight twitch of his pierced eyebrow. “I’ve been busy with school, Denise. You know, finishing my Masters? But you wouldn’t know anything about that, what with you dropping out and getting your GED and all.”

  “Hey! I only did that because I went to visit my aunt in Colorado for a few months. She was sick. I had to take care of her.”

  Grant rolled his eyes, but ignored her, taking another swig of beer instead. Tonya, however, had no issues with calling her out. “If by taking care of your aunt, you really mean you were pregnant and gave the baby up while we were all at prom, then sure.”

  By the look on Denise’s face, I thought she was going to punch Tonya. I needed to say something before it escalated.

  “Oh, well, it’s a relief I won’t be bringin’ y’alls record down any. What time do we start?”

  Nobody replied right away, making me more nervous. My knee was bouncing up and down with nervous apprehension, and I needed to get up and moving to release some of it. Plus, being this close to Grant was making it really hard to remember Christian.

  Grant answered in a low voice, meant only for me. “In a half hour or so. We’re usually the last team to bowl ‘cause they know we don’t care about the score.”

  When the waiter brought over a big plate of nachos, the rest of the table returned to normal conversation, and we both breathed in relief as we stared at each other. Grant paused for a second, hesitating.

  Finally, he reached up and oh-so-slowly tucked a loose curl behind my ear. His rough, calloused fingers felt warm against my damp skin where he brushed it. I couldn’t take my eyes off him, and my heart started to race. I could see his jaw tighten, like he wanted to say or do something else, but he didn’t move for several moments.

  The laughter, clinking of glasses, and music from the juke box faded away. I could only hear the whooshing of my own heartbeat. I swallowed hard. Grant’s eyes lowered to watch the movement of my neck, and I imagined what it would be like for him to kiss me there like in my dream. To trace the line from my jaw with his finger or tongue down to my clavicle, dipping into that tiny hollow.

  I forgot to breathe.

  My leg grazed his, with just the tiniest amount of friction. I didn’t take my eyes off him, and I could see his own widen almost imperceptibly. His hand slipped under the table next to mine, hovering. He never touched me. I could feel the heat from his hand like a furnace. He was waiting for permission, a sign that I wanted and accepted his touch. My hands stayed glued to the seat beside me, but I lifted up onto the balls of my feet, causing my knee to bump into his awaiting hand.

  It took but seconds for his large, strong hand to clasp the top of my leg, the pad of his thumb brushing along the soft skin inside my thigh. I looked around the table, but everyone was deep in their own conversations, and no one was paying us any attention.

  Neither his hand nor my leg moved for a long time. Just the tiny swipes of his thumb, causing my breath to hitch. We didn’t look at each other as to not draw attention. He chatted casually with people at the table, while I was drawn tighter than a bow.

  Finally, after an excruciatingly long time, he began to move his fingers. He ran his thumb in tiny circles on the inside of my thigh as his fingers brushed behind my knee, making a painstakingly slow ascent upward. One millimeter at a time.

  Time stood still and the room around me blurred. He was still an inch or two below the hem of my shorts, but I felt like he was touching me at my core. Goosebumps rose along my skin, and I shivered.

  Grant must have taken that as a good sign, because he began to very slowly—agonizingly slowly—inch his fingers further up my thigh. My musc
les tightened in anticipation, knowing this was wrong but wanting nothing but his touch. He made his way to the hem of my tiny shorts, sliding his fingers back and forth against it. Inside my thigh. Outside my thigh. Inside. Outside. In. Out.

  My vision blurred, and my eyes slid shut with pleasure. I bit my bottom lip to contain the groan that threatened to escape my lips.

  Just breathe, Jillian. Inhale, exhale. Inhale, exhale. It was as if someone had run one of those sparklers you get on the Fourth of July along my skin. It crackled and burned deliciously. And the irony that I really was playing with fire was not lost on me.

  I yearned for his hand to keep inching up, no longer caring that I was in public, that people could see me, or that I had a boyfriend. I needed his touch. I needed him.

  “I’ve gotta use the ladies’ room.” I jumped up, almost knocking over three drinks from the table. I didn’t stop to wipe the beer that sloshed out of them. Grant’s hands fell from my leg, and he quickly put them on his lap, covering his crotch.

  Oh my God! He’s hard as a rock! I dropped my purse on the seat and sprinted for the bathroom.

  Once inside, I took several deep breaths in through my nose and out through my mouth. My stomach soured at the guilt.

  “I should not be here. I should not be doing these things, or wanting these things,” I told myself in the mirror, splashing water on my face. “This is just a stupid, meaningless crush. What I have with Christian is real.”

  I closed my eyes for a few minutes, trying to think of an excuse to leave. I knew if I did, they wouldn’t have a full team and couldn’t compete tonight. I didn’t think they’d really mind, since winning wasn’t their goal, but I still felt bad.

  The door opened, and Tonya walked in. “Hey, you okay in here?”

  I nodded and dried my hands with a paper towel. “Yeah, sorry. I haven’t eaten since lunch and I got a little lightheaded. Um, listen—”

  “Well, snap to! It’s our turn to bowl, and I’ve been looking forward to this all week!”

  I doubted the woman could bowl in a straight line, considering after three beers she could no longer walk in one, but hearing that people were depending on me made me realize I couldn’t just leave. It wouldn’t be fair to them. I’d have to suck up my feelings, keep my hands and body to myself, and deal with this stupid crush for a few hours. Then hopefully I could text with Christian for a little while later to get thoughts about Grant out of my head.

  “I’ll be there in just a minute.”

  Tonya nodded and walked back toward the door, but stopped. “You sure you’re okay? Was Grant bothering you? It seemed like he was making you uncomfortable. I could trade places at the table with you or something.”

  I tried to give Tonya my most reassuring smile. “No, like I said, I’m just hungry. Thanks.”

  Tonya shrugged and left me alone in the room. After a few more deep breaths, I headed back out to join the others.

  The table had been abandoned, and I could see everyone picking out their shoes and balls. Two of the group had brought their own balls and already were setting up on the last lane. I walked over and asked the attendant for a pair of shoes in my size, then grabbed the first ball I saw, not caring it was almost double the weight I was used to. By the time I made it over to the group, I was the last to arrive.

  I sat down to put on my shoes when I felt someone sit down beside me. I didn’t need to look to know it was Grant. If I couldn’t tell by the way I automatically swayed closer to him, the delicious smell—dark, musky, and something uniquely his own—would have given it away.

  “Here, I brought you your drink.” Grant handed me the cup, which I noticed had been refilled with fresh ice. I set my shoe down and turned to him, scooting back on the bench slightly to keep some distance between us. I was afraid of what I might do if he touched me again.

  “You didn’t have to do that.”

  “I wanted to do that.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I simply said, “Thank you” and resumed putting on my shoes. Grant didn’t get up, but instead slouched down a little and placed his hand on the back of the seat. If I’d been sitting six inches closer, his arm would have been around me.

  “Someone here order chicken nachos?” a waitress came by and asked. Grant held up two fingers indicating it was him, and the waitress sat them down in front of him. He handed her some money but didn’t dig in, or even take a bite.

  Instead, he slid them toward me, not saying anything. Had he ordered these for me? Did Tonya tell him I was hungry? I couldn’t figure him out but took a few nachos anyway so I could stop my hands shaking and settle the nerves in my stomach.

  A hint of a smile flickered on Grant’s face as I ate, but I kept my eyes on the game and didn’t look at him directly. It was too dangerous. Instead, I glanced up at the monitor to see when it would be my turn and saw I’d been placed at the very bottom, right below Grant. Two people still had to go before it was my turn, and no one seemed to be in a hurry.

  “Hey, since we have an even number tonight, why don’t we pair up as we play, for a side bet? Losing pair gets the bar bill at the end of the night? Whadda ya say?”

  Tonya’s proposal was met with a resounding yes, and we began to team up.

  “I call Grant!” she yelled, practically pouring herself into his lap. He slid closer to me to avoid her fall, and she crossed her arms and stuck her bottom lip out in a pout.

  “No way, Tonya. You won’t make it three rounds before you’re passed out under the table over there. Besides, I’m already teamed up with Jillian, right?”

  He looked at me to confirm, hope and lust still swimming in his eyes. What was I supposed to do? If I said no, then I’d be calling him out on his fib. But if I said yes, I’d be working with him for ten rounds. Ten long rounds that would test not only my self-control but his as well.

  “Yep, we’re together,” I confirmed, noting my own Freudian slip. I scooted closer to Grant and silently delighted when he replaced his arm around my back.

  This was going to be a very long night.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  “All right, Jillian. You got this. If you make this spare, we will inch out of last place for the first time in eight months,” Tonya’s friend Kristen urged. “Not to mention, it’ll ensure I don’t have to pay the tab tonight!”

  Everyone watched as I picked up my ball and walked slowly toward the lane. I had made the last two spares, but with all this pressure I wasn’t sure if I could do it again. I took a deep breath, and swung the ball smoothly behind me before releasing it. It glided down the lane toward the three remaining pins and suddenly I couldn’t look. I closed my eyes, but within seconds heard the crash of pins and eruption of cheers behind me. The group ran up to me, hugging me, high fiving, and patting me on the back. I spun in circles as I was passed from one to another, giddy that I had helped them in this victory.

  As the group began to disperse back to their seats, I realized the person who I was now leaning against was Grant. I immediately stood up straighter and took two steps away from him. He chuckled slightly under his breath. What was he up to now?

  Throughout the night, we’d played a dangerous game of cat and mouse. Light touches, brief glances, and conversation ripe with innuendos. With the rest of the group imbibing to their hearts’—or livers’--content and lost in their own world for most of the night, Grant was free to toy with me.

  Not that I minded. I was a willing participant. It was amazing to be chased by him. He made me feel invigorated and desired, something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Lusted after? Yes. Christian was always sure to express that, but this was so much better.

  The guilt about flirting was there, but I pushed it away. I wanted this too much.

  “Great job tonight,” Grant said, raising his hand to give me a high five. I reached my hand up and connected with his, but before I could move away, he curled his fingers around mine and didn’t let go. Our hands dropped down, but he still didn’t let go, and I
didn’t pull away. The rest of the group was busy packing up and changing shoes, and no one noticed how we stood still next to the ball return. His thumb gently drew circles on my palm, causing goosebumps to break out all up my arm. He smiled and sighed, almost silently when he saw this, but then released his grip and allowed my hand to fall back to my side.

  “Great playing with you,” he teased with a wink. He scooped up his shoes and headed to the return counter.

  Oh, he had no idea. It took me a few moments to gather myself again before I finally made it back to the bench and began to untie the rented shoes. My breath was beginning to even out again, and my pulse returned to normal.

  “It’s settled,” Tonya informed me, sliding next to me on the bench until we bumped hips. “You have to come back and be on the team now. I’m pretty sure you’re the team’s new lucky charm!”

  I shook my head. “I don’t think I’ll be able to.” It was totally bogus, but I’d had enough delicious temptation to last me a lifetime. “Besides, won’t Emmalee be back next week?”

  “Yeah, but she sucks. I think she had three gutter balls the last time she played. C’mon, you gotta keep playing with us! You were amazing out there!” She tugged on my sleeve like an impatient child. “I’m not above begging here, Jilly.”

  I rolled my eyes. I barely knew this girl, who was using a nickname I hated, but when I glanced up I could see Tonya wasn’t the only one who wanted me to join the team. Everyone, besides Grant, who had already left, looked at me expectantly.

  “Okay, okay. I’ll try my best to make it next week. But I’m not making any promises. I’ll have to make sure I don’t have anything else planned.”

  “Yeah! I knew you’d come around. And you have to come to the beach party this weekend. We go every weekend and build a big bonfire and drink. It’s so much fun, you have to come.” Tonya began using her whiny voice again.