Inhale, Exhale

by Sarah M. Ross

  We walked back to the car, arm in arm. Jillian reapplied some make up and braided her hair while we drove, trying to fix the damage the ocean caused. I tried to drop her off out front, but she placed her hand on my leg.

  “No, Grant. I want to go in with you. Park. We’re in this together, remember?”

  I looked at her for a long moment. “You sure?”

  She nodded, and I pulled out of the drop-off zone and into a spot in the garage. She grabbed my hand on the elevator ride up. That one tiny gesture was her way of telling me we’d be okay. I wanted to puff up my chest and scream it to the rooftops, “Screw you, Christian. She’s picking me!”

  The elevator opened, and neither of us was prepared for what we saw.

  Her hand dropped from mine as it flew to her mouth to hold in a gasp.

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  “There she is!” Ava pushed her way through the other family members waiting there. “We’ve been waiting for an hour. Where’ve you been?” I returned her hug but was too stunned to say anything. “Trish and I just got back into town, and we heard about your Gamma. I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier when you needed me.”

  “Me too,” Trish sniffed, joining in our hug. “But your best friends are here now, and you don’t have to go through this alone. And besides, look who we brought!”

  They let go and turned, revealing who stood behind them.

  “There’s my girl!” Christian scooped me up and twirled me around. “God, I missed you, babe.”

  I was dizzy when he put me down, and not from the hug. Christian was back a day early, standing in front of me. I peered over my shoulder at Grant, who looked as angst-ridden as I felt. Grant had just told me we’d get through this together, but as Christian led me forward, I was getting further and further away from Grant—in every sense of the word.

  I mouthed, “I’m sorry,” but he hung his head and got back in the elevator.

  I didn’t have time to dwell on it.

  “We have some fantastic news, sweetie,” Mom said. “Your grandmother woke up a bit ago, and your dad and I were able to go in and talk to her. It appears she’s going to be just fine. Neither her speech nor swallowing was permanently affected. She’s going to need a little bit of physical therapy to counter some weakness in her leg, but she’s going pull through okay.”

  Tears welled in my eyes, but Trish handed me a tissue before they could fall. “That’s so wonderful, Mom. That’s the best news I’ve heard in a long time. Is Daddy in with her now? Can I go see her?”

  “Yes, go ahead. I called your sister to let her know, and your Aunt Natalie is getting us a late dinner. I’ll wait here with your friends while you go in and see her. She’s been moved to room 3115 down the hall and to the left. Just passed the nurses’ station.”

  I stood up and walked toward the room. My head was swimming, but I couldn’t focus on my personal drama right now. The door was ajar, so I knocked and waited a moment before pushing it open and going through.

  “Hey, Monkee.” Dad stood up and offered me his seat.

  “Hi, Daddy. Is she awake?”

  “She was a moment ago. Her body’s been through the wringer, so she’s pretty exhausted.”

  I sat down beside her and took her soft hand in mine. Dad moved toward the door. “Why don’t I give you a few minutes with her?”

  “Thanks, I’d like that.”

  He walked out the door, leaving me alone with Gamma. I sat for a few minutes simply looking at her as tears of joy slipped down my face. She no longer had the invasive tubes down her throat, just a cannula for oxygen and an IV drip of some sort.

  “Oh, Gamma. I’m so glad you’re going to be okay. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you from my life. ‘Cause I need your wisdom now more than ever. I’ve gotten myself in a big ol’ tangled mess, and I don’t know what to do next.”

  I sniffed and wiped away my tears. “But first things first, Gamma. You need to get better. You need to rest and let your body heal, and then do whatever the doctors tell you so you and I can talk it all out while rolling out dough and mixing pie filling, okay?”

  I leaned over the bed and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you soon. Love you.”

  I stood but debated my next move. Going back out into the waiting room would mean facing Christian. Facing questions I wasn’t yet ready to answer. And facing what I’d done.

  I squared my shoulders and made a decision. It was time to pull on my big girl panties and do what every mature woman in my situation would do: cry to my best friends while I spilled my guts about what I did over several pints of Ben and Jerry’s.

  I made my way back to the waiting room, bypassed my mom, who I could hear drilling Christian about his grandparents’ anniversary party, and headed straight for where Ava and Trish stood by the vending machines.

  “Hey, we’ve got to talk. Can you take me home?”

  Trish put her Diet Coke down and saw the seriousness of my face. “Is this a talk where we’ll need tequila or chocolate cake?”

  “Both. Plus ice cream.”

  “Well, shit.”

  “That about sums it up.” We turned, taking the stairs back down and piled into Ava’s VW Bug. No one spoke as we headed for the house. They knew me well enough to know that once I started, I wouldn’t be able to stop until I got it all out.

  I texted Christian to let him know the girls had taken me for ice cream, and I was sorry to ditch him like that. I thought about texting Grant too, but I didn’t know what to say yet. Once at the house, we made a pit stop in the kitchen for supplies, and once loaded down with everything and enough spoons for all, we headed to my room.

  We took our usual positions—me on the bed, Trish in my papasan chair, and Ava stretched out on the floor. Ava passed out shot glasses and we filled them, clinking glasses and toasting to friendship before digging in to Mom’s brownies and pints of Rocky Road and Chubby Hubby. Several minutes passed before Trish spoke up.

  “So do you want to tell us now? Or wait until it eats at you for a few more days and it bubbles out?”

  I sighed, knowing they were right. I was never good at keeping secrets, especially from Trish and Ava. I was simply stalling. How much should I tell them? I didn’t know how they’d react and I didn’t want them to think badly of me. I had enough of my own guilt, I couldn’t handle any more.

  Then again, these were my best friends. They’d never judge me, right? Maybe I wasn’t sure because I was too busy judging myself.

  “It’s nothing really. I shouldn’t have dragged you guys into it.”

  “If it was nothing, you wouldn’t be so upset.”

  “You’re right. I’m just worried about your reaction. It’s…I’ve never…I don’t want you to hate me.”

  “You know we’d never judge you, sweetie.” Trish moved a piece of hair from my face that fell out of my braid. It was exactly what I needed to hear. “We love you no matter what. You can tell us anything.”

  I looked at the earnestness on their faces and broke. I told them almost everything—from my secret doubts that Christian would never grow up and get a real job to how I’d been unable to stop myself from having feelings for Grant and how close we’d grown. The only thing I left out was the events of tonight. I wasn’t ready to admit that part yet.

  “I know I have a boyfriend, so I shouldn’t feel anything for him. But my body is betraying my mind.” I sniffed loudly and blew my runny nose. “I feel so guilty, but at the same time, I don’t. When I’m with Grant, it feels right.” I buried my head in my hands. “God, I am such a horrible person.”

  “That’s ridiculous!” Ava protested, and Trish nodded in agreement. “You’re allowed to find other people attractive. You’re even allowed to fantasize about them if you want. That’s not cheating. You made it clear to this guy that you have a boyfriend, right?”

  “Yeah, he knows about Christian.” I grabbed a clean tissue as my tears slowed, listening to Ava’s rationale. I was really getting tired of cry
ing. I’d done way too much of it this weekend.

  “Then as long as you don’t act on those feelings, you’re fine.”

  My cheeks burned, and I knew they were bright red—an instant sign of my guilt.

  “Umm…”

  Ava looked up from her tub of ice cream. “Oh, hon, you didn’t?”

  I bit my lip and nodded guiltily. “Yeah, I did.”

  “What exactly did you do? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think.”

  I pulled a pillow over my lap and picked at a loose thread. I couldn’t look them in the eyes.

  “Oh, Jill, you slept with him?”

  They didn’t need me to confirm it. They knew.

  There were a few awkward moments of silence, but Trish broke it. “I think you should give this guy a chance.”

  She had stopped being a big fan of Christian after we caught him making out with that slut Abbi Morris during prom. He’d had several beers and was pretty high. He tried to explain he honestly thought it was me since we were both wearing very similar dresses, and he was too high and drunk to resist once she shoved her tongue down his throat.

  While I forgave him, Trish wasn’t so understanding. She still supported me, but if she saw a better option, I knew she’d jump on it.

  “You think I should break up with Christian?” My tone was outrage, but in the deepest part of her gut I’d already wondered the same thing. Repeatedly.

  “I think you should at least consider it. You turn twenty soon, and you’ve only ever had one real boyfriend. You shouldn’t commit yourself and settle down with anyone until you’ve explored your options. Christian was a great high school boyfriend, but it’s time to move forward. Live a little!”

  “I do love him, and we’re so great together. Should I risk that? And for what? For a few dates with a guy who will probably end up being a jerk a year down the road, and then I’ll regret it forever. No, Christian and I are meant to be together.”

  Trish poured another shot and downed it. “Methinks you doth protest too much. You’re only still with Christian because it’s comfortable and familiar. And you know I’m right. I mean honestly, what’s the long-term goal with him really?”

  “Marriage, of course!” I crossed my arms over my chest and sat up a little defensively.

  “Okay, so you get married. You want to work for the UN. How are you going to do that living out of Christian’s parents’ house? And you’ll end up supporting him—and his ridiculous notion that he’s going to ‘make it big’ with his band. We live in Georgia, for crying out loud! It’s not like he’s out in LA or even Nashville trying to make a name for himself. He’s not playin’ the Grand Old Opry or anything. He’s playing in dive bars. Places where sad, alcoholic townies go to avoid their wives. How’s he supposed to get ‘discovered’?”

  I blew out a breath. I’d really created a big mess, and I needed to do a lot of thinking before I decided what my next step should be.

  “I’m going to take a walk and think for a bit.” I stood up and slid into my shoes.

  “Jillian, I know your head is all over the place right now. But I want you to remember this: whether you choose Christian, or this other guy, or neither one, whatever you decide, the decision is for you. This is the time to be selfish, because it’s your future and your life. And we are your best friends, so no matter what we stand beside you.”

  I walked out of the room, but not before downing another shot. No matter what decision I came to, liquid courage was going to be necessary.

  My house backed up to an elementary school, so I found my way down a small dirt path and headed to the jungle gym. I sat on the center swing and pushed off gently, kicking my legs out until I was airborne. I closed my eyes and leaned back so my head was upside down, keeping all my weight on my arms that clung to the chain links.

  I swung back and forth, kicking higher and higher until the world, my thoughts, and everything else drifted away.

  “It thought I’d find you here.” Grant’s voice called out in the silence.

  I sat up and slowed to a stop. Grant walked behind me and pushed me a little, just a few inches off the ground. “How’d you know I’d be here?”

  “Because I remember you telling me you used to come here at night as a kid when you wanted to be alone. That, and after your phone kept going to voicemail, I drove by your house. There were two girls on your front porch, but you weren’t there. So, I came here.”

  I smirked up at him. “So you knew I’d be here only after trying everywhere else first?”

  “Something like that.”

  “And if you knew I wanted to be alone, why are you here?”

  “Because I’m not very good at following the rules.”

  He paused the swing, hovering over me. He stood so his chest brushed against my back. I tilted my head up to look at his face. He bent, and lowered his lips to mine. For a moment, I gave in to the kiss. I allowed myself to put my full self into it and live only in the moment, consequences be damned.

  But only for a minute.

  I tore my lips away. “I’m sorry, Grant. I can’t. I need time to think. Time to figure out what my next step should be. And kissing you skews any semblance of neutrality I have in making a decision.”

  Grant blew out a frustrated breath. “Jillian, I’m trying to understand, but I don’t. Do you like me?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “And do you want to see where this could go? Me and you?”

  I rubbed my temples. “It’s not that simple.”

  “Why? Because of him?” He spat the word out like it was poison. “He’s not worthy of you. He’s a deadbeat loser going nowhere. You’ve gotta know that.”

  My blood began to boil. “You don’t know anything about him! How can you stand there on your high horse and judge someone you’ve never met?”

  “But I have met him!” He walked away from me, sitting on the whirligig. “I didn’t want to tell you this, but there are things you apparently don’t know about him. He’s been hiding things from you. Like the fact he only graduated high school after he paid me to change his grades. Or the fact he’s selling weed to our coworkers.”

  I pushed off the swing, kicking up the rubber pellets that covered the ground. “That’s absolutely ridiculous! Why would you be so petty as to make up utter lies? If this is what you’re really like, then you’re right. There is no choice. Goodbye, Grant.”

  I grabbed the edge of the whirligig where he sat and pushed, spinning him round and round. I turned back onto the dirt path that led to my house, but a hand grabbed my arms and stopped me. He didn’t say anything for a long time. I could see the war raging in his eyes, like he wanted to tell me something but was afraid. I pushed his arm away and kept walking.

  “Jealously is not a good color on you, Grant. I’m sorry you didn’t get your way, but I’m not going to throw away a four-year relationship based on your lies out of spite.”

  He kicked the ground, spitting up several rocks in the process and emitted a frustrated, angry cry. “I’m not lying to you, Cupcake. He’s a piece of shit loser. He’s the one lying to you. You need to believe me on that.”

  I spun around to face him, our noses practically touching. I was seething. “He wouldn’t do that. He doesn’t lie to me. And why do you insist on calling me Cupcake? My name is Jillian!”

  “Whatever you say, Cupcake.”

  “Damn it! Stop that!”

  He sneered at me like I was a bitter taste in his mouth and turned away. “You wanna know why I call you Cupcake? Because as sweet and tempting as you may be, in the end it’s not worth undoing all the hard work I’ve put in.”

  I flinched back like he’d struck me. He might as well have. I could see the remorse in his eyes in the next moment, but it was too late. He couldn’t take the words back.

  I didn’t say anything and fought back the tears that threatened. I would not let him see me cry. He did not deserve my tears. I twisted out of his arm and walked away without another word.
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  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  FUCK!

  I am an asshole.

  A fuckin’ asshole.

  I wanted to punch myself in the face.

  Repeatedly.

  I deserved it. I deserved the anger in her eyes and the fiery twists of guilt that were currently rotting in my gut. I don’t know what possessed me to say those things. I was frustrated at the situation, and pissed she believed that douche over me.

  I didn’t see Jillian for the rest of the night. Or the next day. She didn’t come to work on Tuesday, or Wednesday. I didn’t know if she was staying away because of her grandmother or because of me.

  And I didn’t know how to make it right.

  FUCK!

  CHAPTER TWENTY

  Mom understood when I told her I didn’t want to go back to Allegro so I could stay closer to Gamma. She was discharged from the hospital a week after her stroke and would see a physical therapist three times a week for the next month to help regain some strength in her left leg and arm. Gamma would stay at the house with us instead of going back to her condo, but since Mom couldn’t take that much time off of work, I would now be able to stay with her during the day in case anything happened.

  The arrangement solved Mom’s problem and my own, because I couldn’t go back there and face Grant every day. He had called over a dozen times, texted his apology over and over, and even sent two dozen purple lilacs with white daises (anonymously, though I knew they were from him) with how sorry he was and he just wanted a chance to talk to me.

  I gave the flowers to my grandmother.

  Throughout this whole ordeal, Christian had been wonderful. He picked up groceries, played Scrabble with Gamma and me, and even missed band practice to watch a chick flick with me. I mean, yeah, he tried to use it as an excuse to get a little nookie, but I couldn’t blame him. It had been a while for us.