Time Out of Mind

by Ruth Hay

  Gigi seemed agitated and Caroline heard her murmur, "Forgive me, Marion. Please forgive me!"

  Whoever Marion was, the memory had caused Gigi some anguish and Caroline quickly hugged her, as gently as she could, and whispered the kind of soothing sounds she had often heard her mother apply in her children's stressed-out moments.

  Gigi clutched Caroline's arms and rocked back and forth in her chair. Dry sobs were forcing their way out of the old woman's thin chest. Caroline was alarmed enough to turn her head and search for the red emergency chord hanging by the bed. As she calculated her distance from the chair, she heard Gigi's breathing calm down and her voice grow stronger. She spoke what appeared to Caroline to be some kind of frantic dream speech, unrelated to her present circumstances.

  Caroline sank down on a footstool in front of Gigi, holding her hands and nodding her head, making consoling noises when appropriate, although she had no idea what was happening in the old lady's head.

  "You came back to me, Marion. I prayed so often to see you again, to apologize for what I did to you.

  I was so wrong. I truly did not know what damage I was causing until it was too late. I have suffered too, you know, but that is all gone now. I am old and alone but none of that matters now that you have come home."

  With a deep sigh, Gigi lay back onto the cushions and released Caroline's hands. Her sad eyes closed and a smile turned up the corners of her thin lips. For a moment Caroline worried that the old lady had died.

  A tornado of thoughts swept through her mind in a flash. Was she at fault? Did she cause this? How would her mother and grandmother react to this news? The elaborate plans Caroline was forming for the next months dissolved in an instant in the panic adrenaline that coursed through her. What should she do now?

  She jumped up to switch on the lights and pull the emergency chord to get help. Her trembling hand was fumbling for the knob when she heard her name.

  "Caroline? Sarah's Caroline. Where did you go, my dear?"

  Relief flooded through her entire body and Caroline could only stumble away from the door and sink down onto the footstool, trying to breathe normally again.

  "Yes, it's Caroline, I'm here and so glad you are too!"

  The next half-hour passed quietly as the darkness deepened outside. Although Caroline managed outwardly to summon some mindless chatter about family matters to entertain Gigi, inside, her brain was racing.

  What had just happened? She was beginning to appreciate how inadequate her knowledge of this old lady's life was. A wave of perspiration dampened her skin as she thought how presumptuous she had been to imagine she could do anything at all to better the life of someone she really did not know.

  Who was she, a mere teenager, to presume she could learn enough about the elderly and infirm population of Britain to help them, when she had little or no experience of older people in her own family?

  Terms she had only acquired recently raced around in her mind; dementia, Alzheimer's disease, independent living, palliative care, 'Do Not Resuscitate' orders, at-home care services, inadequate nursing home places for the rapidly-growing population of older people, government cut-backs and spiraling costs for medication and medical care. The issues were immense and hugely complex.

  Caroline slumped down on the footstool and despaired.

  "Didn't the Greeks call this hubris?" she wondered. "I am such an idiot!"

  "What did you say, dear?"

  Caroline's attention zoomed back to her great-grandmother.

  "Oh, I was just thinking aloud about my tendency to rush in where angels fear to tread, Gigi. My mother always tells me that, whenever I act impulsively."

  Gigi's response to this statement was to smile, clear her throat and sing a few lines of a song in her quavering voice. Caroline did not recognize the song but the first words were familiar; "Fools rush in where angels fear to tread."

  She tried to hum along with the melody but her attention was on the transformation of the old lady's face. It was obvious Gigi seemed to come alive when she was singing.

  Caroline decided to take the hint she was being given. Music was a route to past memories for her great-grandmother. She could, at least, focus on that as a way to add pleasure to her restricted life.

  * * *

  Oh, the great songs of long ago! The radio poured out music when we were young. Crooners promised love and laughter in every verse and the music sank into our souls. I can still remember the words of the songs my mother sang as she cooked and cleaned. Something about those years made all the impressions last indefinitely. I suppose that is why I slip back to those days when everything was so clear, and decisions were made with the assurance of youthful invulnerability.

  When Marion told me in the cafeteria that she was planning to sleep with Gus, I was horrified. The shock must have shown on my face as Marion began to justify her choice in a fervent whisper, glancing over her shoulder to make sure no one in the busy area could overhear.

  "Look, Isobel, you of all people know how I feel about him. I am head over heels in love and I can't wait to belong to him completely."

  I could not form the words to respond to this crazy talk, but Marion never noticed. She was racing along on a path to destruction and she didn't even know it.

  "I know what you are thinking, Isobel. My mother will kill me if she gets wind of this. Gus is going to buy protection and he has figured out a way for us to be together for a few hours. I'll need your help, Izzy. You will help us, won't you? Please!' she begged, turning her chair so that I could not look away from the excitement in her sparkling eyes.

  "I want it to be a magical night. Everything must be perfect. You'll help me with shopping for a gorgeous nightdress, won't you? I am thinking of something filmy and short with a border of rosebuds or………………."

  I had stopped breathing at her first statement and Marion took my silence for approval, rushing on with her schemes for a night of bliss in Gus' arms. I could not decide whether I was most appalled at the impossibility of escaping adult supervision for the length of time they would need, or at the thought of Gus and Marion irrevocably twined together.

  All my foolish dreams of a future with Gus when he discovered at last that I was the one he should be with, vanished into the steamy air above my head and dissipated in the noisy chatter around us.

  With only half an ear I listened to Marion's plan. It was based on an unusual set of circumstances involving one night during the following weekend when a relative of Marion's was coming to a hotel in town for a medical appointment the next day at Victoria Hospital.

  Marion knew that her mother's cousin Mary had a hearing problem. She had suggested to her mother that she might spend the night with this cousin to assist her overnight and to ensure she reached the hospital on time the next day.

  Gus was to arrange to visit the hotel and be met by Marion who would whisk him upstairs to the room for the assignation once the cousin was safely asleep in the adjoining bedroom.

  With even half my attention, I could find a patchwork of holes in this scenario, but I did not have the heart to burst Marion's bubble. It would require some careful thought to convince her of the utter lunacy of this idea without losing her friendship forever.

  If only I had told her the truth right then, many lives would have been spared pain and anguish.

  * * *

  Gigi had drifted off again, so Caroline took the opportunity to scribble some notes on a pad of paper she found by her great-grandmother's bedside. Glancing at her watch, she could see it would soon be time to wheel Gigi to the dining room and then meet Eva Singh in her office. First she had to call her mother

  and warn her she would miss the bus home and not to worry.

  "Look, Caroline, I'll be finished here by 6:20. I'll pick you up in the car just after the half hour. I'll be in the parking lot unless you want me to come in and talk to the manager?"

  "No thanks, Mum. I need to establish myself as capable of doing this project on my ow
n. I am sure I'll be fine. See you later!"

  Caroline closed up her cell phone and thought how much more confident she had sounded than she actually felt at this point.

  Hearing a muffled grunt, she turned to find her great-grandmother struggling to her feet. She had not yet seen her standing upright and was surprised to find she was almost Caroline's height when she had

  unfolded herself from the deep cushions.

  "Can I help you Gigi?" she asked, moving forward to offer an arm.

  "Bathroom." was the abrupt reply, and Caroline helped the old lady to shuffle into the adjoining room where a high toilet with handles at the sides was positioned near a washhand basin. Not knowing if she should stay or go, Caroline hovered near the wide doorway and averted her eyes so Gigi could have privacy if she wanted, or help if she needed it.

  It seemed to take a long time for her great-grandmother to arrange her clothing and settle on the toilet.

  Caroline was adding to her mental notes of the adjustments old age imposed on one, and the requirements needed to install an elderly relative in a family home. An ensuite bathroom adjacent to a bedroom would be necessary for older people, as well as these specially-designed facilities to help them maintain a modicum of independence.

  She could see the wheelchair in the corner of the bathroom and took the chance to roll it forward and open it up so that her grandmother could use it. She wondered if a cushion and a shawl would add to her comfort as the night advanced. Although the nursing home always felt too warm to Caroline, she suspected from holding her great-gran's hands that she would feel the cold much faster than her great grandchild would.

  Caroline stepped into the bedroom and retrieved a cushion from the chair and a shawl from the bottom of the bed. When she returned, Gigi was standing, somewhat unsteadily, washing her hands at the basin and complaining that the water was too cold. Caroline quickly turned both taps, pushed in the rubber plug and tested the water for a comfortable level. She fetched a towel from the heated rail and flushed the toilet as she passed by.

  The kind of support her great-grandmother needed was becoming clearer to Caroline from the evidence of the last few minutes. No wonder her own mother was reluctant to discuss the problems related to having her grandmother in her home. There was a lot involved in the care of an older person. Caroline was beginning to understand the essential role a nursing home could supply.

  She kept this thought in the forefront of her mind as she arranged her great-gran's chair at a table in the dining room, said her farewells, and straightening her shoulders, tapped on the manager's office door.

  * * *

  Eva Singh looked up as she heard the knock. It had been a long day of forms, phone calls and problem- solving and now she had to interview this young girl before she could do rounds and settle in the night staff. She stood with a sigh, pulled her sweater down over her pleated skirt and adjusted the string of pearls around her throat. It wasn't difficult to smile when she saw the teenage girl standing nervously at the door.

  At first glance, Caroline Fenton was the typical teen Eva saw at the mall in Tunbridge Wells.

  Tall and slender with short, dark, hair spiked all over her head with some kind of gel product, and dressed casually in black leggings and T shirt top, the girl was unremarkable until Eva looked at her face.

  The strongly-marked eyebrows could have overshadowed her brown eyes had not the gleam in those eyes startled Eva with a deep intelligence and a penetrating gaze.

  Eva had learned, from bitter experience, never to trust first impressions, so she reserved her opinion until she could hear what Caroline Fenton had to say for herself.

  She set the mood by shaking hands and inviting the girl to sit and deposit her jacket and backpack on a nearby chair. As instigator of the meeting, Eva began by stating her agenda.

  "I am very pleased to meet you, Miss Fenton. I will say at the outset that I am extremely impressed by your willingness to initiate a project to help older people. This marks you out as unusual among your peers but please don't feel I am being critical of young people. This facility is not the most pleasant place for a young person and many of our residents rarely see a relative of any age, never mind grandchildren. I do want to make it clear that I am here to help you in any way I can."

  Caroline breathed a sigh of relief at this welcome. Eva Singh was not requiring an immediate declaration of intent with full documentation. There was still time to devise an appropriate project. Caroline felt her inner tension relax.

  "Thank you Ms. Singh. Please call me Caroline. I must admit this last week or two has been a learning experience for me, and I am just coming to terms with the need for facilities like this and the future needs of a rapidly-aging population."

  Eva nodded in agreement while thinking that her assessment of Caroline Fenton's intelligence had not been inaccurate. How many of the students at Caroline's large community college ever gave a thought to the 'baby-boomer' generation or cared about the future? This girl was indeed unusual.

  "There is a lot to consider, Caroline, and I hope you will feel free to discuss your ideas with me when you are ready. In the meantime, I need to schedule some time for you to get a tour of the nursing home and see the kind of work we do here in a more general way, before you focus on your great-grandmother in particular."

  "Yes, that would be very helpful for me. I need to see what is already in place for residents before I think seriously about what can be added."

  Eva Singh was relieved to note that this girl was sensible as well as intelligent.

  As they discussed a date for Caroline to accompany Mary on her rounds in the next week, Eva felt hopeful that Caroline would understand how the nursing home operated.

  She was not expecting any substantial benefits to come from the proposed project. As ever, financial constraints would nullify whatever fine ideas the girl might come up with. Improvements always seemed to meet the inevitable money barrier in the end. Still, she thought, you never know. Miracles can happen, or so my father always told me.

  As they emerged from the office, Caroline glanced across the lounge area to the dining room where residents were still seated. She saw her great-grandmother staring silently at her plate. Two other women sharing the table were also sitting in silence. It looked as if a bubble encased each one of them in the solitude of their own thoughts. Caroline shivered as a chill washed over her that had nothing to do with the temperature. What a desolate existence, she thought. No wonder relatives avoid this place.

  At the same time as she noted the lack of response at her great-gran's table, Caroline had to admit that efforts were being made by the staff to cheer up the atmosphere. Music was playing in the background and staff were bustling around clearing plates and chatting briefly with residents, smiling widely when they received any response.

  Caroline's analytical mind posed the question; "What more can be done here? What would really help these old people? What can I do that hasn't been tried already?"

  With these questions still occupying her mind, Caroline thanked Ms. Singh once again and stood back as the manager punched in the code to open the door to the outside world.

  A few steps into the parking lot and she spotted her mother's car. With a sense of escape, she ran quickly through a light rain and flopped into the front seat beside her mother. In a few seconds they were speeding through the night towards home. Caroline let her head sink back into the seat and listened as her mother chatted on about supper and the usual complicated weekend plans for four individuals with a variety of chores and social commitments.

  Her attention resurrected when she heard her mother say, "……so dad and I thought you and Janine should take a complete break from school work and go shopping in town on Saturday. Mike and dad have a soccer game and I will be free around noon to drive you to the mall and leave you to your own devices for about three hours. You can grab a meal there and shop till you drop. There must be sales somewhere in the mall, or you could go to Eastbourn
e if you like. What do you think, Caro?"

  "I think it sounds awesome!" Caroline reached over and gave her mother a swift kiss on the cheek.

  "Easy there! You'll have us off the road in a second!" Her mother's stern voice did not fool Caroline. The pleased grin on her face was a much better indicator of her mother's mood.

  Before the car turned the next corner, Caroline was asleep. Sarah drove on through the rain, smiling, but at the back of her mind was a niggling worry about her ultra-responsible daughter. Sarah's married friends always laughed when she expressed concern about Caroline's work ethic.

  "You don't know how lucky you are!" they chided her. "We can't get ours to drag themselves away from their screens for long enough to attempt their homework, never mind work themselves into exhaustion like your angel girl. Don't complain to us Sarah Fenton. You don't know you've been born!"

  Chapter Five

  Saturday morning was almost gone when Caroline finally emerged from sleep.

  She stretched and yawned widely, luxuriating in the very thought of a free day without responsibilities. She had promised her mother there would be no work or worry for one whole day, and here she was wasting half of it in sleep.

  Caroline jumped out of bed and threw back the curtains to see what the weather was like. Yesterday's fine drizzle had dissolved the clouds and sunshine streamed into the bedroom.

  As she blinked her eyes in the unexpected glare, she was just in time to see Janine arrive by bicycle at the front gate.

  "Hells bells! I haven't even washed my face yet!"

  Caroline dashed down the stairs to let her best pal into the house and the two of them ran back upstairs laughing and talking over each other's voices in the usual rush to exchange the latest news and views.

  Janine had already texted Tiffany and Ashley with instructions to meet at Nero's coffee shop just inside the Victoria Mall in Tunbridge Wells. Ashley's older sister was getting married in a month and, despite all kinds of pressure, she had refused to allow her mother or sister to choose her bridesmaid's dress. Janine insisted this was a class A emergency and whatever happened, they had to find the perfect dress for Ashley before the day was over.