Yesterday Is Gone

by HJ Bellus

  “You’re not doing good.”

  I shake my head, keeping my eyes closed.

  “Honey, let’s go get drunk.”

  I roll my head toward her and pry one eye open. “I can’t even tell you the last time I was drunk. Pretty sure it was high school.”

  “Do you not drink anymore?”

  “I do. A glass of wine or two a couple times a week, but being a single mom doesn’t allow time for it.”

  Tessi’s face falls. I know she’s hurt. Saw it when she met Whit today. We were tight back in the day, and then I disappeared.

  “I’m sorry, Tessi, it’s complicated.” I lift my head.

  “She’s Jessie’s. I get that. Didn’t take all but two seconds to realize that one.” She reaches up and squeezes my hand. “Can’t imagine what you’re going through with losing the man who was basically your dad and then having to come back here.”

  “I had to leave.” I think about revealing how Jessie reacted that night. It’s not something I’ve ever bragged about, and I’m sure as hell not proud. It also feels private and like something that should stay between us. It’s what forced me out of this town, and I’m tired of it eating me alive. “Jessie basically told me to take care of it and meet him at Michigan after I did. I left. I was ashamed—”

  Tessi cuts me off. “You don’t have to explain yourself, Jules. I’d be lying if I didn’t say it devastated me and that I spent hours worrying and crying. Your grandparents wouldn’t give me your number. It destroyed all of us.” She smiles gently, pausing between words. “But if you ever pull that stunt again, I’ll never like you again and will more than likely hunt you down and cut off all your hair while you’re sleeping.”

  I laugh, but something in her enlarged crazy eyes tells me she’s not joking.

  “Deal.” I lean over, wrapping her up in a hug. “I love you, Tessi. I’ve missed you so much.”

  “Tell me everything on the drive over to the bar in the next town.” She winks at me.

  “Thank you.”

  I do as she instructed and fill her in on everything. From the pregnancy and birth of Whit and how Nana spent the first two months with me. The excuse she told everyone in town was a dear friend was in a sick state and had no one to take care of her. It wasn’t too far from the truth.

  Tessi interrupts every once in a while to fill me on her two births. Then it’s all me rattling on mostly about Whit and how she developed so fast. I tell her about me barely graduating with an Associate’s degree online. Then the tragic tale of attending beauty school that had an in-house daycare.

  “Jesus, Jules, that’s an amazing story. You know the whole town was suspicious of your grandparents’ monthly trips. They couldn’t have done it without the help of—” She stops herself.

  “Jessie,” I finish. “Nana came clean about Jessie.”

  “Good. I was telling Brady that I feared the shit was really going to hit the fan and blow the roof off that farmhouse.” Tessi puts her rig in park under the glow of the flickering bar lights. God, I’ve missed her off-the-wall humor and analogies.

  “Brady?” I ask, snapping the seatbelt free and swiveling in the smooth leather seat to face her.

  Her cheeks flush a hot pink. I drum my fingernails on the console, waiting for her to answer. “Brady’s the baby daddy, the hubs, and the big D in my life.”

  “You’re shitting me!” I slap at her. “Holy shit, Tessi, you two hated each other back in high school. Seriously, you couldn’t stand to be around him.”

  “We fell in love.” She shrugs.

  We remain in the car for a good thirty minutes while Tessi fills me in on how Brady only finished a year of college, as did she. After one summer when they put aside their petty games and faux hatred for each other, sparks flew, and it’s two kids later. Brady runs his dad’s farm and helps out Jessie with his farm and custom farming business when he has time.

  I inwardly flinch every time she speaks Jessie’s name. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to not. Before the rush of nasty feelings flood in, I’m the first to jump from the car.

  “Let’s get drinking. God knows I can slam back a few and be shit-faced.” I waggle my eyebrows with my hand perched on the door.

  Tessi leaps out her side, and we’re striding to the neon lights of a dive bar. I could kiss Tessi on the lips for going to the next town over. Small towns are vicious. I guarantee at minimum that a week after my papa’s funeral, all the town gossip, prying stares, and judgmental opinions will be zeroed in on me. My back will bear the bullseye target catching all the hate. I’ll be the lying whore who left Jessie and never let him see his kid.

  “Don’t go there.” Tessi jerks on my arm, throwing open the door to the bar.

  “Uh?” I peer over to her.

  “It may have been years we were separated, but girl, I can still read you like a book.”

  The blaring honkytonk music inside the bar cuts off all further discussion. The place is packed. Some garage-type band plays live music on top of the ramshackle stage. Old wood covers the walls as well as the floor. All of the planks are uneven, making me feel grateful I wore flat sandals. This is nothing like the few bars I went to back in California. Stark opposites. There’s isn’t one hoity-toity suit-wearing man to be seen.

  Nope, it’s a sea of worn denim, t-shirts, ball caps, and cowboy hats. Tessi grabs my hand, steering us to the bar. She saddles right up to it while I remain off to the side. I fear her arms are going to get splinters from the raw wood. Tin runs up the sides of it. Authentic and down-home as it gets.

  “Tessi McCray, does your old man know you’re out on the town?” The bartender slings a rag over his shoulder.

  A familiar dazzling smile and piercing blue eyes come into view. He recognizes me the moment I realize who he is. Cody Sterling. A classmate from high school, one of the band of brothers from the football glory days, and the biggest fuck boy to ever grace our little town. Teachers, mothers, aunts, and girls his age were all free game.

  “Holy shit. Jules Jones, you’ve gotta be kidding me.” He hops up on the bar and then glides right over. “You haven’t aged a damn day.”

  Cody grabs me by the hips and tugs me to him. I throw my head back and laugh like a lunatic. His moves haven’t changed a bit, and I’d bet his pick-up lines haven’t either.

  “Are you religious, Jules? Because hot damn, you’re all the answers to my prayers.” He wraps me in a tight hug and whispers in my ear. “Damn good to see you, old friend. So sorry to hear about your grandpa.”

  I find myself hugging him right back, relishing his embrace. “Thanks, Cody.”

  “Okay, okay. Enough, enough.” Tessi breaks between the two of us. “Yes, she’s single, Cody, but at least wait until after the funeral to put the full moves on her. Get your ass back behind the bar and make us some damn drinks.”

  He grumbles, swatting both of our asses, and leaps right back over the bar. I glance around, loving the fact nobody is staring with questioning looks. They’re all about drinking, dancing, and more than likely finding a piece of tail for the night.

  “What can I get you ladies?” Cody splays his palms on the bar top and waggles his eyebrows. “My cock is off the menu for the next three hours.”

  “You’re disgusting.” Tessi tosses a handful of peanuts at him. “Get us two shots of tequila to start with.”

  “You got it.” Cody winks.

  For the first time, since returning home, I feel light and a bit like the old Jules. Tonight is exactly what I needed. No doubt I’ll be regretting the hell out of it in the morning. Then a thought strikes me.

  “Tessi.” I grab her arm, forcing her to focus on me. “Jessie was with Brady earlier today. Does that mean—”

  She shakes her head, her blonde curls bouncing. “No, they’re baling hay all night. We’re good to go.”

  I relax back into the bar, thankful for that morsel of information. Jessie would indeed ruin tonight. Back in the day, I tended to be a mean drunk, especiall
y when drinking tequila. It was either my inner bitch coming out to play or a sob fest. I decide on just one shot of tequila, then I’ll drink beer.

  “Here you go, ladies.” Cody slides over two shot glasses. “Drinks are on me tonight.”

  “Thanks.” I snag mine along with a lime wedge. “But we can pay.”

  “The owner thinks otherwise.” He leans back on the counter behind him, crossing his arms over his chest.

  “The owner?” I question.

  “Didn’t you see the name of the bar?” Tessi asks, perching her shot glass on her lips.

  I shake my head. Cody points to the sign above his head. Cody’s Shaggin’ Shack, a motto clearly printed below in bold print. Drink, Laugh, and Fuck. A grin a mile wide spreads across my face. It had always been his dream. He proudly announced it at every career fair and even did his senior project on owning a bar. Good for him.

  “Keep them coming, stud.” Tessi clinks her shot glass to mine.

  We cheer to the future and toss them back. The tequila burns all the way down to my belly; I forget the lime and salt, recoiling from the nasty taste. Tessi has another in my hand before I can opt for a beer.

  “This is it for me.” I hold up a hand.

  “What?” Tessi squeals louder than the drumming of the band. “You wanted to get shit-faced.”

  “Tequila and I don’t mix.” I shake my head.

  Cody slaps the bar from his leaning position. “I got you, girl.”

  He snags the tequila shot from my hand, and it’s replaced with a bright red shot.

  “What’s this?” I ask, bringing it to my nose for a sniff. Smells like fruit punch.

  “House special. We call it a Pussy Pleaser around these parts.” He slaps his towel over his shoulder. “Your pussy will thank you later.”

  And with that, he’s off slinging drinks for a line of customers that formed while we caught up.

  “To getting your pussy pleased!” Tessi clinks her glass with mine.

  I blush a bright red and shake my head. That is the absolute last thing on my mind. Tessi doesn’t give me the chance to refuse. The sweet liquid glides down way smoother than the tequila. I smack my lips together and raise the shot glass over my head and wave it at Cody, who’s down the bar. He gives me a nod, and before I know it a pitcher of the stuff slides down to us. We pound shots like they’re going out of style.

  We play around two-stepping and swinging each other as we finish off the pitcher and make some serious damage on the next. In the back of mind, I know this is very dangerous since it tastes like candy, but frankly, I don’t give a damn.

  The band is long gone with the speakers blaring a mix of music. My head swims in relaxation and comfort. I’ve missed my type of people. It’s now that I realize I’ve been living in a foreign land and barely surviving thanks to my Whitty girl.

  “Oh my God!” Tessi jerks me out to the center of the now-barren dance floor. The edges of my sandals catch on the uneven hardwood floor. “It’s our jam. Our favorite mix-up of 90’s songs from dance team.”

  Tessi holds out her hand counting down, and then it’s on like Donkey Kong, or at least in my head it is. We pop our hips and kick out our legs all the while not missing a move with our arms. Once the mix-up ends, the bar erupts in cheers and catcalls.

  I wipe my bangs back from my sweaty forehead to see Cody standing on the bar doing a slow clap. I press my fingers to my lips and send him an air kiss. Then a loud and old familiar jam begins blaring throughout the small bar.

  Tessi and I scream the words out loud pumping our fists in the air as if we were seventeen year olds. I glance at the open garage door of the bar and let it all go. Tessi and I begin sliding and grinding our hips to “Tootsie Roll” by 69 Boyz. Massive hands grab my hips, and a hard body grinds up behind me. Cody and I rock out each move of the dance.

  We don’t stop grooving and jamming through “Cotton Eye Joe,” “Don’t Stop the Jam,” and countless others. Cody keeps his hands on my hips and other various body parts. I don’t mind. It’s nice to have a man who I trust to have his hands and lips grazing my neck. I know it’s all in good fun. It’s just the way Cody is.

  When “Push It” comes on, we get out of control. Cody acts out every part of the song, and I play along as a willing victim. The dance itself is provocative as hell, even turning on parts I haven’t felt in years. It’s our yelps of glee and laughter that make it all fun and games. Tessi joins in, sandwiching herself between us.

  The music dies after “Push It,” playing a Patsy Cline tune. It doesn’t stop Cody. He grabs me, pulling me into a seductive slow dance. Tessi disappears. My head fogs with old memories and could have beens. I get lost in her thick, sultry voice without a care in the world.

  It’s not until the song ends that I learn why I should’ve alerted to why Tessi escaped the dance floor. When I glance over to the slivered-up bar, the picture becomes crystal clear. Jessie. Brady’s flanked at his side with Tessi all up in his business. Hands are in places they shouldn’t be in public. The two don’t seem to mind at all. It’s Jessie that causes my spine to stiffen. He’s pissed off and so very fucking hot. His strong jawline clenches as his fists flex and straighten. His white work t-shirt is dirtied up from a hard day’s work. I let my eyes flutter shut, knowing exactly how he’d feel, smell, and taste. Goosebumps break out on my skin. I want him, need him, even though I know for damn sure none of the above can ever happen. I don’t want him. I repeat those simple four words over and over in my head.

  It doesn’t work. I want him so fucking bad. When he has the audacity to stomp out on the dance floor, all of those desired feelings disappear. Only anger and hatred remain. I see the man who had the balls to turn me away. Throw his unborn child and me away like a piece of trash. I hate him.

  Chapter 5

  Jessie

  “Let’s go home. I’m fucking exhausted.” I slump back in Brady’s truck.

  My body isn’t operating from a long day of work, but from everything else that’s flooded back into my life. Whit’s toothy grin and loving nature haunted me all day. The hate stemming from Jules directed right at me gutted me each pass of the tractor on the field.

  We are supposed to be baling tonight. The thing about farming is that the best laid plans never happen. The baler broke down, and now we are off for the night. Even though I’m as exhausted as I am, I know for certain I won’t be able to sleep a fucking wink. My girl is back in town. My biggest mistake. One I’d do all over again even if my pro career was legit. I’d give it up all for her. Knew the moment I stepped foot on the field for training camp in Michigan I wasn’t me. I was fucked up. And now it’s just not my girl in town—it’s my girls in town.

  “Tessi is out at Cody’s. We are stopping by for a drink,” Brady replies.

  “Fuck,” I growl, sinking back in the seat and pulling the brim of my ball cap over my eyes. “I’ll wait in the truck. Not in the damn mood.”

  “Whatever floats your damn boat, man. I’m going to get Tessi. She hasn’t been out with Jules since high school.”

  That last part gets my attention. I jolt straight up like a starving man for a piece of juicy t-bone.

  “What was that?” I lean forward.

  “Tessi took Jules out. Ran into her the other day and she said Jules wasn’t doing too hot, and let’s face it, Tessi has been gutted since the day Jules left.” Brady turns into the parking lot for Cody’s bar.

  The place is damn packed. I groan, knowing it’s a Friday night, more than likely the live band has just ended, and now it’s a free-for-all drunken party. My first thought goes to Whit. I know I have no right to judge Jules and what she does with Whit. Can’t lie, though, my chest tightens. I’d give anything to have that sweet little girl curled up next to me. I threw away that hope and dream years ago.

  Before Brady swings open the door to the bar, he turns to me and presses a hand into my chest. “She’s not yours anymore. Don’t know what in the hell happened between you two.
I could put the pieces together, but here’s the thing—she’s not yours, and you have no right to her.”

  With that, we waltz into the bar. The music is blaring like I knew it would be. I glance behind the bar to see Cody’s employees busting their asses and slinging drinks. I could use one or ten right about now. We manage to make our way to the bar and order two whiskeys, neat. After we have our drinks, an opening at the bar splits wide open, and we take it.

  Doesn’t take very long for me to spot the action on the dance floor. Thank fuck I just slammed a drink and had a fresh one in my hand. Brady’s advice rolls over and over in my head. I do my best to heed it. Each bitter swallow of whiskey does its job to dull the pain and simmer down the rage boiling inside of me.

  Seeing Cody and Jules dance like they’re long lost lovers does me in. When he thrusts his hips up into her ass and fist pumps the air, I’m a goner. I no longer see red; it’s more like sheer unholy and unleashed rage. I’m going to snap his motherfucking neck. Jules isn’t mine, and Brady nailed that on the head. Doesn’t mean my mind processed it.

  I slam the rest of my drink and stomp out on the dance floor. My hand clutches Jules’ upper arm like the other day. A startled gasp escapes her. She hiccups and then giggles. She’s drunk off her ass.

  When Jules tugs away from me, I’m forced to clench my fists and let her walk away like I did so many years ago. It was my biggest mistake, and it seems it’s all I’m good at. Her and Cody saddle back up to the bar chugging some red shit. I keep an eye on her while keeping my distance. Cody has always been a close friend, but when his lips land on hers and Jules clings to his neck, I’m done. Long fucking overcooked. I don’t stop this time.

  “Jules,” I growl at her back.

  She whirls around. “Jessie. Oh my God, it’s freaking Jessie, the local stud.”

  Her high-pitched squeal draws the attention of the entire bar. The music has been turned down, and now all eyes are on us. This bar may be in the next town over, but there are several familiar faces. I’m about to bat down a hornet’s nest with a twig and don’t give a single damn.