by Evie Rose
“I was lucky, I think all he wanted to do was blow off some steam. He must have already cooled down for the most part before I got here. He’s sending me home for the rest of tonight.”
He glances around at the other bunks before lowering his voice and narrowing his eyes at me, “It’s for the best. If you went on another callout tonight with the headspace you’re in, either you or someone else could get seriously hurt. You need to go home and sort your shit out.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence. I know what I’m capable of, so stop worrying about me,” I scoff.
Unwavering, Jake stands up so we’re eye to eye. “I’m serious Luke, stop putting your life in jeopardy for the sake of others or I’m talking to the chief.” He stares me down, but I have nothing to say that he’s going to like, so I just nod instead.
He backs away and I follow him over to his locker, where he pulls out his car keys. “Here, take Eleanor.” He throws them at me and I’m grateful that I don’t have to wait around for a cab. “I’ll catch a lift with Dex.”
“Thanks Jake.” I give him a one armed hug. “I’ll show her how well her motor can really run with someone who knows what they’re doing.”
He punches me half-heartedly in the shoulder and heads back to his bunk. “See ya later, man.”
“See ya,” I reply as I leave for home to get some sleep, before picking up Roxi and Ricky. It’s been a long night, even though it hasn’t been a full one.
*****
I can hear the blood pumping through my veins and my heavy breaths circulating through my helmet. Everything else around me is just white noise. It doesn’t matter. All that counts is getting to her. The rungs of the ladder keep going and going and I don’t seem to be getting any closer to the top. She propels me to keep going forward though, to reach for new heights. I bang on the glass trying to smash it, but no matter how much force I apply, it won’t break. “Help me,” she mouths, hands pressed against mine through the window, fingers sliding down the glass, sinking to the floor and slowly out of sight. I thump against the pane repeatedly, to no avail. Desperate wide eyes look back at me. “Why Luke? Why did you do this to me?” Only it’s not her anymore, it’s my mother. And I still can’t get to her. I watch on in horror as the flames cover her, my dad’s voice in my head, “You’re just like me, son.”
“I’m not him, I’m not him.” Pain sears across the side of my face and my eyes shoot open.
“Luke, wake up.” Jake’s panicked eyes connect with mine and he slumps down on the chair beside the bed.
“Did you just slap me?” I ask, confused.
“Damn straight. You were scaring the shit out of me. I’ve never heard you scream so loud in one of your nightmares before.”
I sit up, my heart still hammering in my chest. “Sorry man. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t wake me. I just walked through the door. I could actually hear you yelling from out in the street. Look Luke, you know I never hassle you about this, but it’s getting worse. I can’t ignore it any longer, more to the point, you can’t either. Not just for the sake of your sanity, but what are Roxi and Ricky going to think when they hear you screaming bloody murder?”
I wince, I didn’t think of that. Shit.
“Okay, I get it. I’ll sort it out and make an appointment with the shrink again,” I say with distaste. I hate strangers trying to analyse me. How can they possibly understand what I’ve been through? But I must admit my nightmares decrease when I talk about it. When I let some of the demons escape my mind instead of keeping them trapped inside, slowly chipping away, until my guard is down when I sleep and they shout out to make themselves known.
“Yes you are, because I’m gonna make you.” He gets up to leave the room and I hear him mutter under his breath something about tough love and being cruel to be kind.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” I hop out of bed and walk to my doorway, watching him exit the house instead of going to his room for a day’s sleep.
“You’ll see,” he yells.
Chapter Seventeen
“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”
- Ernest Hemingway
Roxi
Restless, irritable and still in a considerable amount of pain I move around on the hard, narrow bed trying to get comfortable. In between the nurse constantly coming in to check our vitals, and Ricky’s cries through the night, I’ve hardly slept a wink.
Being at the hospital is a constant reminder of the devastation we have just been through and it’s making me edgy. I just want to leave, but then remember I have no home to go back to and that everything has changed, causing even more anxiety.
I fidget with the spoon in my hand, staring at the cereal that was left for me on the table tray and stressing over how I’m going to afford to feed Ricky and me now. My stomach twists with worry and my appetite is non-existent, but I guess I should force myself to eat, while there is food available to me.
“Hey Roxi, aren’t you hungry? You should really try to eat something and keep your strength up.” Rachel approaches my bed with a bag full of clothes and I’m relieved to see her familiar face. Thankful to have someone to take me away from my own dismal thoughts, or to at least help put them into perspective. I know I should just be happy that I’m here and safe, but I can’t stop fretting over the smaller details.
“Not particularly. I’m too busy attempting to figure out how to put food on the table for Ricky. Luke is giving me a place to stay, but we’re just friends, I can hardly expect him to provide for Ricky and me financially also. I should’ve thought through my plan better before creating all this chaos.” I lower my head, upset with myself for not thinking everything through properly, for taking my new found confidence and running with it.
Rachel places her hand under my chin, tilting my head to meet her firm gaze. “You listen to me, Roxi Keaton.”
“Stewart, I’m going to change it back to Roxi Stewart,” I interrupt.
“That’s great, but there is only one thing I want you to concentrate on right now. You didn’t create any chaos, that was all him. He’s not even here and he’s still manipulating you into believing this is your fault somehow, and it’s not at all. Do you understand me?” Her eyes narrow and she continues to hold my face waiting for me to agree.
“Understood,” I reply, not really believing. I know it’s partly my fault. If I’d left earlier in the day, or handled things differently, we’d probably be in a better situation right now.
She places the bag she’s holding on the foot of the bed and pulls something out before sitting beside me. “Now, as for money troubles, I’d never let you or Ricky starve. I can’t give you a lot, ’cause money’s a bit tight at the moment, but I’ve got you another phone, so you can call me whenever you need to. I’m number one on the speed dial.” She passes me the small black phone and smiles up at me. “And I want you to have this,” she hands over a wad of bills and I shake my head pushing it away.
“You can’t afford the phone, let alone the money, Rach.”
“Nonsense,” she insists as she drops it on my lap. “I have an emergency savings fund and this is an emergency. And you should be able to get some type of crisis payment off the government, which will tide you over until you can get an I.D and set up a regular payment or get a job. I did a little investigating on the net last night.”
I lean in and give her a hug, glancing over her shoulder at Ricky eating his cereal. With friends like her by my side, I not only have faith that we’re going to be okay, I have hope that our lives will be fuller, richer, better. It gives me the strength to move forward without letting the past hold me back. I pick up my spoon and start eating my cereal.
*****
“Mummy I thought you said we were going home.” Ricky’s pulling on my skirt, as he looks up at me with wide eyes and a trembling lower lip.
I swallow hard, trying not to cry before I answer him. “Thi
s is going to be our home for a little while honey. There was a fire at our place, remember? We can’t live there anymore.” I see him wince at the memory and kneel to his level to wrap him in my arms.
“Oh, is Daddy coming to live here too?”
How do I even begin to explain to a five year old that his daddy tried to kill him? That we’ll never see him again? And if by chance he does happen to see his father, he needs to run in another direction and hide?
“What about my toys? Can we bring those here?”
My heart breaks a little more that Ricky lost all of his favourite things. Possessions shouldn’t mean much when we’re alive, safe and well, but to Ricky they meant a great deal. He took solace in them when his father was being an asshole and would pay him no attention. When it was safer to stay out of sight and speak only when being spoken to. Hopefully, I can give him that comfort freely now that Joseph isn’t here to try and stop me. No one will ever tell Ricky to toughen up again. He’s my baby, and still only a child. He should be fussed over.
“My housemate, Jake, has a pretty bad ass drum kit I’m sure he’ll let you have a go at.” I’m thankful to Luke for distracting him and a smile finally finds my face as I hear Ricky gasp. I know exactly what’s going to come out of his mouth next. Joseph may have a foul mouth but I’ve always taught Ricky how to speak like a gentleman. My son won’t be anything like his so called father.
“Um-mah. You said a naughty word.” Ricky looks back and forth between us, expecting me to reprimand Luke for his behaviour. The thought of sending Luke to the naughty corner has my grin breaking out into laughter.
“So I did. Maybe I deserve a spanking.” He winks at me as he says this and I feel Ricky flinch in my arms.
“It’s okay sweetie pie. No one is getting a spanking.” Joseph threatened him with, “I’ll smack your ass boy,” too many times to count, but I never actually allowed him to do it. Just the threat of it absolutely petrified poor little Ricky. “Let’s go see this drum kit, hey? You can rock out some twinkle, twinkle little star.” I stand back up and take his tiny hand in mine.
“That’s for babies Mummy. I’m gonna play some metal.” I shake my head and Luke chuckles.
“Nice. Give me a fist bump, little man.” They knock knuckles and Ricky beams up at Luke. It’s good to see a positive male role model around him, but I’m going to have to get on my feet fast, I don’t want him to get too attached to someone who won’t be around for long.
*****
Luke has left Ricky and me alone in his room to settle in. He’s taken his belongings out of the cupboards, so I can unpack the small bag of clothes Rachel dropped off for me and Ricky at the hospital. She’s a little larger than me, and is a bit of a tart when it comes to fashion, but beggars can’t be choosers. I found some sweats in amongst everything which I wore home but the rest of the clothes aren’t really my style. At least her son is the same size as Ricky. It takes me all of thirty seconds to transfer everything from the bag to the shelves, and then I take Ricky to the bathroom so we can have a shower and wash off that nasty hospital feel and smell.
After I wash Ricky I tell him to go have a rest on the bed while mummy has a quick shower too. It’s pleasant to stand under steady hot water for a change. The pressure of it feels amazing and I could stay here for hours, but I can already hear that Ricky isn’t resting. It sounds as though he’s jumping around on the bed. Sigh. Luxury time is never long enough. I know that sounds ridiculous, I mean of course anyone would want however much indulgence they can get, but for a mum it’s beyond the joke. Only two minutes to shower? Come on, give me a break.
When I turn off the tap, I don’t even have to strain my ears to be aware Ricky is bouncing on the mattress. I rush to get dressed and stop him before Luke regrets taking us in within the first half hour. I’m almost done and he goes quiet. That’s not a good thing.
“Mummy, Mummy!” Crap. I open the door while squeezing into a tank top two sizes two small. It practically pushes my boobs up to my chin. Really Rachel? It doesn’t even fit me and I’m smaller than you! The mini skirt available to me isn’t much better either. Just great.
“What is it sweetie? Mummies right here.” What does he have in his hands? It looks as though he has been going through Luke’s belongings in the bed side drawer that’s now open. Oh-oh.
“Look Mummy, I found balloons!” Luke chooses this moment to knock gently on the door and open it up to check on us. Of course he does, the timing is just perfect. I’m totally mortified.
“Can I have a balloon, can I, can I? Please.” He jumps up and down in excitement. Before I can snatch them out of his hands and apologise profusely, Luke takes them, amusement sparkling in his eyes. Clear blue pools in depths of grey.
“Of course you can, buddy.” He blows it up and hands it over to Ricky, who runs off joyously throwing it in the air and catching it.
“I’m so sorry.” I swear my face must be as red as a tomato.
“Relax Roxi, they’re just condoms. It’s no big deal.” Only all I can think of is images of what his penis must look like. Heat rushes through my body. “I’m the one that ought to be sorry. I shouldn’t have left them there. I did after all tell you I emptied the cupboards.”
His gaze follows the flush down my neck and roams over my chest, settling on what I know must be my tits virtually falling out of this itty-bitty top. I can’t help the shiver he brings out of me. My breath comes out in a shaky exhale as he moves towards me. Ever so lightly, he runs his fingertips along my skin. They’re almost hovering, but I still feel it right down to my bones. Goosebumps break out over my whole body and Luke’s lips quirk in response.
“You’re cold. Let me go get you a jacket.”
“I’m fine.” Breathless but fine, and I don’t want to be any more trouble than I already am.
“Yes you’re definitely fine. That’s exactly why you need a jacket,” he winks at me.
“Oh,” is all I can think of to say as he strides out of the room to retrieve something that will cover me up. I’m still in the same spot when he comes back carrying a humongous grey sweater.
“Arms.”
Did he just ask me to raise my arms? Dutifully, I lift them up in the air and he slides it over my head. The fleecy material swims over my body, but makes me feel less exposed. “I’m trying my best to be a good guy here and help out a woman in need. Problem is, I’m still a man and I’m not blind. I’m trying to be respectful and not drool all over you while your kid’s watching, but that outfit makes it damn near impossible. After we sort out getting you some identification today, I’m taking you and Ricky to buy some more clothes.”
That would be so great. I really need something for a job interview but... “I only have a little bit of money that Rachel gave me for food. My purse was left behind in the fire. I’m not even sure how I will get an income until I can find a job. We can’t just live off your kind nature. Joseph certainly isn’t going to provide for us while in jail, if he goes to jail.” My bastard husband is still out there somewhere on the run. My throat constricts as panic starts to build.
I’m pulled into a warm embrace. The strength that is wrapped around me is comforting, becoming familiar. I work on steadying my breathing and listen to Ricky’s laughter throughout the house to help produce a sense of calm.
“I can buy you and Ricky some more clothes and things you need, or if it makes you feel more at ease, we can call it a loan.”
This all feels so surreal. Standing here, in this strange place, being cared for, it can’t be real. Maybe I dreamed this whole thing up. It’s completely outrageous that everything’s changed so suddenly. It’s been horrific, although by some strange twist of fate, I think it’s for the better. Our hearts have been broken, but are going to mend stronger, all thanks to this guy that came out of nowhere, just when we needed him. “Why? Why are you helping us? You hardly know us.” I step back out of his hold and search his face for answers.
Anguish washes over his featu
res. His eyes become unfocused and he seems to go somewhere far away. “I’ve watched innocent people suffer a fate they didn’t deserve. It’s something I never want to see again. I know it’s selfish of me, but since I couldn’t rescue those lives, everyone I’ve been able to protect since then, helps me heal a little too.”
Whatever Luke has seen in his past must have been awful. The amount of pain I can still see him in, is cruel. His posture is resigned, defeated. “You’re anything but selfish.”
At my words, he comes back to the present and contemplates what I’ve just said. “If you knew the thoughts running through my mind right now, you wouldn’t be thinking that darlin’. I’m going to go grab you a pair of my sweat pants too.” I follow him out of the room and into the laundry. There are clothes piled up in a rumpled heap in the basket and all around the floor. He picks up a pair of pants and hands them over, and I resist the urge to sniff them and see if they’re clean. “Do me a favour and put these on so I can think clearly again. I’ll go start making us all some lunch and work out what we need to do today so you can get the assistance you need.”
*****
It turns out getting new identification is a little trickier than I thought. To get a birth certificate or a new driver’s licence, you need to show proof that you are who you say you are, only all my verification burnt in the fire. I manage to sort it out though, and should have it all in about a week.
The government informs me I’m entitled to a substantial crisis payment. I just have to show them a copy of the police and fire report as evidence that I need the assistance. When I have my I.D set up, I’ll be able to receive single parenting payments too. Although, I should probably organize another bank account that Joseph doesn’t have access to first.
Walking from place to place is taking its toll on Ricky’s short legs and I go to pick him up in my arms, however Luke gently grasps my wrist to stop me. “You need to be careful of your burn. Let me help.” He crouches down next to Ricky and asks, “Do you ever wish you were really, really tall?”