by Evie Rose
Ricky nods vigorously and smiles in delight as Luke places him up on his shoulders and announces, “Well today’s your lucky day.” He spins around in circles and goes running around the perimeter of the water feature in the middle of the shopping centre, causing Ricky to hoot with laughter. He obviously doesn’t care about appearances, not like Joseph does.
Thoughts of Joseph have me looking around us in unease. No one’s contacted me to say they’ve found him yet. He’s lurking around out there somewhere. The police station is our next stop after the shops. I need to write a statement and fill out a protection order.
We go into Target and I ask Ricky to pick out some clothes he likes. “Whatever you want sweetie. Pick out three shirts and three pair of shorts. You better choose a jumper too, just in case we have a cold night.” Along with some socks and underpants, that should be enough to tide him over until I can get a job. I’ll need to get a new school uniform too.
Luke puts him back down on the ground and he runs up and down the aisles looking at all the clothes. “This one, I want this one, please Mummy.” He hands me a pink shirt, something Joseph would’ve never let him wear. He thinks pink is for girls and no son of his would ever wear it. Something he managed to hide from me when we were first together, obviously knowing I wouldn’t approve. It makes me even more ashamed that I didn’t stand up to him sooner. I’m sure going to make up for that fact now though.
“I think that’s the best shirt I’ve ever seen.”
He beams up at me and it melts my heart. If Ricky wants to dress in a sparkly tutu to be happy, I would sew the sequins on myself.
We choose some more things and then move towards the women’s department. The first thing we come across is the lingerie section and I shrink as I bypass it, wondering how I can buy new bras and panties in front of Luke while keeping my cool.
Luke groans deep in his throat from behind me and it hits me low in my belly. Large hands spin me around to face him. They linger on my shoulders as I look up into his darkening eyes.
“Sweetheart, there’s no way I can help you look for tiny bits of lace in good conscious and not have improper thoughts, things I definitely shouldn’t be thinking with your kid here.” He looks around at all the lingerie surrounding us, overwhelmed by it all.
“I know the feeling after the whole balloon thing this morning.” Oh shit. Did I just say that? I clamp my hand over my mouth and his gaze settles back on me, smirking at my confession. I let my hands fall back to my sides as heat settles over me. Not the kind from embarrassment, but the type that has a slow burning desire working its way through me, shooting small thrills all over my body. It reminds me what it’s like to flirt, and I more than like it. I pick up a barely there red G-string off the rack and hold it up to inspect.
“Mercy,” Luke whispers under his breath. I feel power; feel as though I’m not useless like Joseph accused. I can’t be controlled.
I smile teasingly up at him. “I don’t need your help. I believe I’ve got pretty good taste on my own. Don’t you think?”
He coughs and turns stiffly toward Ricky. “So...Umm...Ricky, Jake and I have been thinking about having a Nerf gun fight for a while. How about you and me go check them out while your mum picks out her clothes?”
I giggle, as they walk away and put the thong down. There’s no way I’m buying that uncomfortable thing.
Chapter Eighteen
“What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now.” - Author Unknown
Luke
Blank brick walls, two hard plastic chairs, and a waste paper basket in an otherwise empty room, anyone would mistake this for a prison cell, but it’s only the police station waiting area. The ticking of my mind is like the second hand on my wristwatch, rapid and it won’t stop. I need to occupy my mind with anything other than worry, while Roxi tells her worst nightmare to the officer in charge of her case. I empathise with her. It’s difficult dredging up all the horrid details.
I should be distracting Ricky, but I have no idea how, so we sit in silence. Him, swinging his legs back and forth; finding it tough to sit still, and me beside him, at a loss as to what to say. I haven’t interacted with children much before.
“Does your friend there want to come and check out a real police car?” My mate Harrison sticks his head over the counter, which is more like a small rectangular window in one of the walls. Ricky’s legs stop moving and his eyes light up. Harry would know exactly how to entertain a bored young kid; he has three of his own.
“What do you say Ricky? Do you want to check it out?” I ask.
“That would be so cool!” He jumps off his chair and I stand up and mouth a sincere ‘thank-you’ to Harry. It’s times like these, I appreciate having friends on the force, and I have a few after all the call outs we’ve been on together. Police and fire call outs go hand in hand, and unfortunately the same goes for the ambulance. He’s doing me a solid favour. Ricky seems genuinely excited and is bouncing around from foot to foot.
As Harry unlocks the car, I crouch down to Ricky’s level. “The sirens are going to be really loud buddy, so I’m going to cover your ears with my hands until you get used to it, okay?”
His eyebrows furrow as he contemplates what I’ve said. “But what about your ears, won’t they hurt too?”
A warm feeling spreads through my chest that he is concerned for me, rather than being worried about what the noise will do to him. In the past ten years, the only person who’s bothered over my wellbeing is Jake. I’m kind of impressed that he’s not a self-centred little snot, like I assume most kids his age are. Proud even. Roxi’s done a remarkable job with him, despite the circumstances they’ve both had to endure.
“How about we cover each other’s ears?” I suggest.
“Okay, that should work,” he agrees.
“Are you guys ready?” Harry calls. Ricky nods and places his hands over my ears, taking the job he’s been given of protecting me seriously.
“Ready,” I yell back, holding my own hands on each side of Ricky’s head.
Harry flicks the switch for the sirens as Ricky watches, completely captivated by it all. He doesn’t take his eyes off the red and blue lights, and I don’t take my eyes off him. Even though I’m crouched low to the ground, the way he smiles makes me feel about ten feet tall.
When he squeals in delight, I don’t hear it, but I see it. I feel it, sensing the pure joy that comes out of his mouth, and exudes from all his features. I can’t help but feel it too. The reflection of the lights fades from his eyes and the sound comes to a stop.
“Wow that was awesome.” His voice is breathless, like he’s just ran a race. It’s probably from all the screaming, or from being entirely in awe. I know the feeling. My heart’s beating fast in my chest, running on a new, unfamiliar emotion. I’ve never felt what it’s like to make a child smile before. I’m revelling in it and trying to suppress it at the same time. I won’t get to enjoy this feeling again in my lifetime, not after he goes. I don’t deserve that luxury. I’m not worthy of starting a new family after destroying the one I already had.
“Hey buddy, do you want to come over here and sit in the driver’s seat?” Harry asks.
“Do I ever!” Ricky runs over to him, leaving me behind to squash this new hope that is rapidly growing, the hope that I could have it all, if I wanted it. I don’t deserve it, but Ricky and Roxi do.
“Luke, you gotta come see this,” Ricky shouts enthusiastically.
I walk over, snatching the police hat off of Harry’s head and placing it on Ricky’s. “Now you look the part.” He grins up at me, and then turns the wheel a few times.
On the way back inside, Ricky tells Harry all about the Nerf guns we bought today. “They’re not real like yours though, they’re just pretend.” Harry seems to have found a new best friend in Ricky, after letting him sit
at the wheel of his car. I have to admit, I’m a little jealous. I might have to take him down to the station and show him the fire trucks too.
“My sons love Nerf guns. You’ll have to come around and have a Nerf war with them.”
When we get back to the waiting area, voices are floating down the hall. A few moments later, Roxi comes through the door. Her cheeks are blotchy, her eyes red and puffy, and where most would see her as a fragile victim, I only see strength. Instead of feeling pity, I’m filled with pure admiration. She’s brave enough to stand up and say that abuse is not okay, that she’s not going to let him ruin them. She’s going to do whatever it takes to move past that time in their lives. Fighting for what they deserve, everything good and pure. I’m definitely not worthy of them.
*****
By the time we arrive home, I don’t have long to get ready for work. Jake is in the kitchen preparing his dinner, or technically his breakfast because of this abnormal schedule we keep. I give brief introductions before going into the main bathroom to get ready. I feel bad for dumping them on each other like that, since they barely know one another, but if I hang around until they are better acquainted, I’d be late for work. They seem to be getting along when I come back out though.
Roxi is laughing at his jokes, most likely to be polite, Jake’s jokes are hopeless. He does tell a good story though. His eyes linger on her longer than necessary, which pisses me off, even though it shouldn’t.
“You ready to go?” The annoyance seeps through my voice and Jake looks at me questioningly. I just glare at him.
“I guess I’ll see you guys later,” he says, before finishing his soda and grabbing his keys.
As he goes out the door, I tell Roxi to help herself to all the food. At her insistence, I agree to take her grocery shopping tomorrow, even though I’ve reminded her numerous times today, they’re both welcome to anything in the cupboard. Money is not a problem for me. With the life insurance I received from my family’s passing, I own my house outright and have extra in the bank to spare. I don’t have much to pay for with my weekly pay check either.
“I’m setting the alarm on my way out. Don’t open the door to anyone. If there’s a problem, call the police straight away.” I’m anxious about leaving them, with her husband still lurking around, but he has no idea they’re here, so they should be perfectly safe. “I’ll see you in the morning. We should be back around 8:00 a.m. Make yourself at home.”
Jake starts the car, as I walk down the drive and I slide into the seat beside him.
“What’s wrong with you?” he asks.
Sometimes it’s great having a friend who knows you so well, gets you enough to know your moods. Other times it sucks. Not only can you not get anything past them, but you’re forced to face it yourself too.
“Stop eye fucking Roxi!”
He lifts his hands off the steering wheel, holding them up in surrender. “Chill, I’ll stop checking out your girl.”
“You know she’s not my girl. I just want her to feel comfortable in our home after all she’s been through. She could hardly do that when you were looking at her as though you wanted to eat her, instead of the meal that was in front of you.”
“Well she did look a lot more appealing than dry toast,” he glances sideways at me with a slight smirk. The rest of the drive is spent with me glowering out the window and Jake being uncharacteristically silent.
Smoke billows around the kitchen as we walk into the main room. I look around to see Dex frantically running to take pots off the stove. Seriously, how the hell does someone burn beans? You can’t get much simpler than that.
“Jeez Dex, are you trying to burn the station down or something? That’d certainly be a good look.” It meant to come across as a joke, but I guess my voice still held some residual bite from my frustration with Jake.
“Who pissed in your Cheerios’?” Dex snaps back, obviously offended. He hates it when we talk shit about his cooking skills.
We drop our stuff on our bunks and Jake won’t meet my eyes as he informs me, “The chief told me he wanted to see you when we got in tonight.”
A sinking feeling forms in my gut. “What did you do?”
Jake shakes his head, directing his words to the floor but talking to me, “It had to be done Luke. I’d say I’m sorry, but I’m not. You’re distracted on the field. You’re a liability, to yourself, to us, the public. It’s only a matter of time before you stuff up, before you end up doing more harm than good. I can’t handle having that shit rest on my shoulders.”
I clench and unclench my hands, but don’t say anything. How can I? Everything he says is true. It doesn’t mean I have to like it though. I can sense everyone’s eyes on us. I don’t think we raised our voices loud enough for them to hear, but they aren’t blind. They can see our tense postures and are probably wondering what’s going on. Jake and I never fight. I let out a resigned breath and turn to go face the chief. When I enter the room, his gaze is full of pity. It appears he knows the whole sordid story. I don’t want his sympathy, I don’t deserve it.
“Take a seat, Luke.” Even that one deceivingly simple request is full of empathy. Holds a hidden message of, ‘you poor guy, take a load off and sit down, whatever it takes to make this easier for you.’ I sit only because the lead weight in my stomach pulls me down.
“Jake came and saw me yesterday. We had quite a long chat, about you, your past. I’m really so-”
I cut him off before he has the chance to get the words out, holding my hand up to emphasis my point. “Don’t. Please don’t ever say those words, it was my fault.”
“That’s why you’re in here Luke, the guilt. I can’t have you carrying it around, using it as your motivator. You need a clear head to be out on a job. I can’t have you flashing back to the past and allowing it to push you further than what you should be doing.”
I shift uncomfortably in my chair, unsure of what he’s attempting to tell me. “So what are you trying to say? Do you want me to start seeing my shrink again? I already told Jake the other day I plan on going back.”
“I’m not sure that’s enough Luke.”
My head snaps up. “You’re suspending me?” My chest gets tight. The thought of my one purpose in life, being taken away from me against my will, makes it hard to breathe. It’s the one thing that makes it okay that I’m here while they’re not.
“No, calm down, nothing that drastic.” My hands grip the sides of my chair, waiting for my fate. “I want you to take a holiday. In the whole eight years that you’ve been here, the only holidays you’ve taken is the mandatory amount of time you’re required to take off. And I have it on good authority that you’ve never been away anywhere to unwind. In fact, you not only stayed home just in case you were needed, but you’ve called in to check.”
My hands loosen on the chair, and I relax a little. A holiday, I don’t like it, but I got off lightly, it could have been worse. I immediately recognise that I’ll be able to spend extra time with Roxi and Ricky, keeping them safe. Then I curse myself, because I know that’s not the only reason I want to spend time with them. It’s an excuse, my reason is purely selfish.
“Okay, how long do you want me to take?” I ask.
“One month, starting now. And I don’t want you calling the station, not even to say hello. Go home, Luke.”
I nod, resigned. “See you in a month, chief.”
When I walk back out, Jake is sitting nervously on his bunk. I walk over and bump my fist against his, letting him know that we’re okay. His intentions were good. He passes me his car keys. “Here, take Eleanor. I’ll catch a lift with Dex again, or I might even get Sarah to pick me up.” He’s always looking out for me.
*****
Soft murmurings from the TV fill my ears and I can see the light flickering from down the hallway. My foolish heart is doing somersaults at the chance of seeing Roxi before she goes to bed.
My breath catches, as I walk into the room and spy her long, toned leg
s curled up on the sofa. Her bare legs. The shirt she’s wearing barely covers her panties. My shirt. She sleeps soundly, unaware of how she’s affecting me. She must have drifted off without meaning to. I wonder where she got my shirt. I don’t mind. I like that something of mine covers her body. Makes her feel warmth and comfort when I can’t. I wish it was me instead.
I should avert my eyes, but I can’t. My hands itch to slide over her smooth skin. She stirs and her big, brown eyes land right on me, sleepy and dreamlike, completely captivating me. “Luke,” she whispers.
“Yeah?” I softly reply. But her eyelids flutter closed and she snuggles in deeper on top of the blankets. The bedding I set out earlier on the couch, my temporary bed. Fuck. Ricky’s in my room and Roxi’s on the couch. I wait a long time for an answer but she never replies. Feeling like a total pervert for staring at her without her knowledge, I go into Jake’s room to get some rest.
*****
A sharp sting radiates along my face. “Luke. Luke, wake up.”
De-ja-vu.
“What?” I mumble into the pillow.
“What the fuck are you doing in my bed?” Oh right, I forgot.
“Sorry, Roxi fell asleep on the couch.” I drag myself out of bed yawning and stretching to find Sarah quietly waiting by the door for me to vacate the room. “Oh, hey Sarah, sorry, I didn’t see you there.” I turn back to Jake with a hard stare, hoping it conveys my thoughts – keep the noise down. He nods in understanding and I leave the room.
“Hey. Did you just get in? How was work?” Roxi sits on a stool in the kitchen sipping from her coffee. She obviously doesn’t recall waking up and saying my name. I wonder what was going through her mind at the time, if she was happy to see me. I pour myself a cup and sit down beside her.
“Actually I got home last night. You were sleeping so peacefully, I didn’t want to wake you.”
She looks downcast as her skin flushes a light pink and I’m curious as to what she’s thinking; if her lying in my shirt is crossing her mind. “Oh, I’m sorry. I took your bed. It wasn’t enough I kicked you out of your room and now I go hogging the couch too. I didn’t expect you home until the morning. I’m very sorry.” She gets up and busies herself with packing the dishwasher.