The Clarence Uh-Oh-Eek-Oops-Yikes Book

by Brian Elling

  “I’m not sure presidents say that,” muttered Jeff.

  Clarence cleared his throat. “Hear ye! Hear ye! As president of Backyardland, my first order is to build a National Waterslide!”

  Sumo jumped up and down. “Yes!”

  Jeff gave them a concerned look. “Okay, but don’t you think it would be more fun to write a constitution first?”

  Clarence gestured to some chickens. “It’s what the people wanted!” The chickens clucked their support.

  Clarence took an old tarp and threw it onto the lawn. Sumo unknotted the hose and placed it at one end of the tarp.

  “The National Waterslide is complete!” exclaimed Clarence.

  Sumo plopped onto the tarp. “Ready for testing, Mr. President.”

  “Being president is so easy,” said Clarence. “And now I will turn on the official water.”

  Clarence turned on the spigot. Water trickled out of the hose, but it wasn’t enough to move Sumo. Clarence turned the water on all the way. He turned the handle more and more.

  Jeff got nervous. “Clarence, I wouldn’t turn the handle too far or—”

  The handle broke off in Clarence’s hand. “Uh-oh!”

  Super-strong water burst out of the hose and shot Sumo down the slide. He slid to the other end of the tarp and bounced across the wet grass, all the way to the fence. “Woo-hooooo! That was awesome!”

  The hose sprayed water all over the yard. It flopped around like a wild snake!

  “I can’t turn it off,” screamed Clarence. “Stop the hose or Backyardland will be flooded forever!”

  Jeff ran to the hose. He grabbed on with both hands, but the force of the water was too strong. It lifted Jeff right off the ground. “Aghgghghghghh!” Jeff screamed as he was tossed around in the air. “I’m just a simple banker!”

  Sumo grabbed on to Jeff’s legs to try to stop the hose. But the force of the water was too strong for him, too. Jeff and Sumo both flew into the air!

  The chickens clucked and ran around as the yard flooded. “Don’t worry, my chicken citizens, I’ll save you,” screamed Clarence. “Everyone get inside the Backyardland Official Emergency Safety Shelter.” The chickens stared at Clarence, confused. “I mean, the chicken coop!” Clarence chased the chickens into the chicken coop. Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!

  The hose sprayed water everywhere. It knocked over the trash cans. It soaked the laundry on the clothesline. It knocked down the Backyardland national flag. It even sprayed Clarence’s mom in the face. And she was inside the house!

  Then the water suddenly stopped. Jeff and Sumo fell to the ground and splashed down in the mud. Backyardland was a total mess.

  Clarence’s mom ran out of the house. “Clarence, what is going on out here? I had to turn off the water from inside.”

  Clarence lowered his head. “I was trying to make a National Waterslide, but nothing went right. I guess I’m not a very good president.” Then he slumped over in the mud, face-first.

  Clarence’s mom sighed. “Oh, Clarence. You can’t give up on your dreams because of one little mistake. If you want to be president, you need strength.”

  “Really?” said Clarence as he lifted his head out of the mud.

  “Of course,” replied his mom. “You’ve got to be courageous!”

  Clarence stood up and wiped the mud off his face. “You’re right!”

  His mom saluted him. “You’ve got to make mud into mud-ade!”

  Clarence tucked his T-shirt into his shorts. “I will!” he cheered.

  Clarence turned to Sumo, Jeff, and his chicken citizens. He used his most inspiring presidential voice ever. “Hear ye! Hear ye! Citizens of Backyardland! As your president, I now declare today National Play in the Mud Day!”

  Clarence’s mom frowned. “Actually, I think it’s National Clean Up This Yard Right Now Day.”

  Clarence pointed to his mom. “Okay! What she said.”

  “Pay attention, class! I have a surprise for you,” announced Ms. Baker. “Whoever has the most Buddy Stars at the end of the year will win this . . . trophy!”

  Ms. Baker pulled out a huge trophy from under her desk. Everyone in class was impressed. “Ooooooohhhhhh!”

  The trophy sparkled in the sunlight. It was gold and had a big plaque with the word WINNER on it. It was the most beautiful trophy Clarence had ever seen. He couldn’t take his eyes off it.

  “I want a trophy,” Clarence said to himself.

  RING! The school bell trilled. All the students gathered their books and rushed out of class. Belson gave Clarence a pat on the back as he walked by. “Give it up, Clarence. There’s no way you’re getting that trophy.”

  Clarence sighed. He knew Belson was right. He’d never won a trophy for anything in his life. Not even the time he recited the Gettysburg Address in elephant language.

  He looked over to the Buddy Star board. Jeff had, like, eighty Buddy Stars while Clarence only had five. Sumo had negative two Buddy Stars, three unhappy faces, and a skull and crossbones.

  “I can’t wait to take that trophy home. Then I’ll be able to put it in my trophy case with all my other awards,” Jeff bragged.

  Sumo looked at Jeff, doubtful. “What other awards?”

  “The ones I’m going to win when I do all the great things I’m going to do in my life,” Jeff declared. “You’ve got to plan ahead, Sumo.” He and Sumo walked into the hall.

  After a few minutes, Ms. Baker noticed Clarence was the only one left in class. “Clarence, class is over. You may go home.”

  But Clarence was still staring at the trophy. “Ms. Baker, where do trophies come from?”

  Ms. Baker thought for a moment before answering. “Hmm, I think this one came from the Trophy Troll.”

  “A trophy troll! I should have known!” Clarence beamed.

  “Yes, over by the park,” she added.

  Clarence grabbed his backpack and ran out of the room. “Thanks, Ms. Baker!”

  Clarence ran down the hall and caught up with Sumo and Jeff. “Guys, guys! Ms. Baker told me there’s a trophy troll living in the park who has magical powers to make trophies, and he gives them to anyone he wants!”

  Jeff chimed in. “I bet the troll lives in the darkest part of the woods. That’s where I would live if I were a troll who made trophies.”

  Sumo nodded. “Yeah, because then you could melt metal in your front yard without the cops hassling you.”

  They stepped through the school doors and into the sunshine. Clarence spun around on the sidewalk. “Hey, I have an idea. You want to go find the trophy troll, so I can get a trophy of my own?”

  “I’m in,” said Sumo. “Dibs on the troll.”

  They all ran as fast as they could to the Bendle Park. They ran through the gates. They ran past the swing sets. They jumped over fallen logs and over the dried-up creek. They followed a winding trail until they got to the deepest, darkest part of the park. It was a place they had never dared to visit before.

  Clarence, Sumo, and Jeff stopped at the end of the trail, unsure of which way to go next. They stared into the shadows.

  Jeff looked up as a crow flew from branch to branch overhead. He stepped on a twig. SNAP!

  Clarence stopped him. “Jeff, don’t move!”

  Sumo sniffed the air like a dog, sensing danger. “What is it, Clarence?”

  Clarence pulled out his solar calculator and scanned a thick patch of vines hanging from a tree. “My combination troll finder slash calculator is picking up something.”

  “It must be the trophy troll,” said Sumo.

  “Or an equation on the loose,” added Jeff.

  “Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep . . . Beep,” Clarence chirped as he walked closer and closer to the thick patch of vines. “Be careful! We have to sneak up on him.”

  The beeps grew faster
after each step. “Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeep!” Clarence slowly pulled back the vines. Then they saw it . . .

  The trophy troll was sitting on the edge of the cliff, looking out at the view. His back was brown and lumpy.

  “Get him!” yelled Sumo. The boys leaped onto the troll and tackled him. But the troll didn’t feel gross and slimy like a troll. He felt boring like wood. Clarence realized it wasn’t a troll at all.

  It was just an old tree stump that was about to tip over . . . CRACK!

  The roots of the stump gave way, and they all went tumbling down the hill. “Ahghhhghghghhhhh!” They tumbled all the way down to the bottom of the hill and rolled to a stop in an alley behind some buildings. The tree trunk slid to a stop next to them.

  Clarence looked at the old stump. “Ugh! Maybe there is no such thing as a trophy troll. Now I’ll never get my very own trophy.”

  Sumo threw his arm over Clarence’s shoulder. “Clarence, if you want a trophy, you gotta think positive.”

  Clarence looked at Sumo. “You really think so?”

  “I know so,” he said with a grin. “Remember that time I really didn’t want to go to school and then I got lice? Well, I was thinking positive.”

  Jeff patted Clarence’s back. “Yeah, and remember that time I vowed to never get lice and then I didn’t because I wore a plastic shower cap to school for a month? Well, I was thinking positive!”

  “I guess you’re right. You know what? I am gonna think positive! I AM going to get a trophy!” Clarence said.

  “That’s the spirit!” Sumo cheered.

  Clarence walked around in circles, chanting to himself. “I’m gonna get a trophy! I’m gonna get a trophy! I AM going to get a trophy!”

  He bumped into the building in front of him. Right into a sign that read:

  TROPHY TROLL CUSTOMER PARKING ONLY

  Clarence stopped in his tracks. “WOW! Thinking positive really works.”

  Sumo looked up at the building. There was a huge model of a troll on top. The troll was holding a trophy over his head!

  “No way! The trophy troll has his own store!” announced Sumo.

  The back door of the Trophy Troll store opened, and Joshua walked out with a box of old trophies.

  “And Joshua works for him!” Jeff exclaimed. “How many jobs does that guy have?”

  Joshua dumped the box of old trophies into the Dumpster and went back inside the store.

  They ran over to the Dumpster. There were all kinds of old trophies inside. “Wow, I really did a lot of positive thinking,” Clarence said. “Look at all these great trophies! One of them has to be for me.”

  They pulled trophies out of the Dumpster and read the inscriptions. Clarence handed a trophy to Jeff. “Here you go, Jeff! You’re now the World’s Best Mom.”

  “It really is a full-time job!” Jeff giggled. Then he handed a trophy to Sumo. “And you just won the 2014 Top Air-Conditioning Salesman Award.”

  Sumo was thrilled. “I couldn’t have done it without my fans.”

  They found all kinds of weird trophies, too. There was one for “Number-One Cat” and “Fourth Place in a Three-Legged Race” and even one for “Best Quilt.”

  But none of the trophies were quite right for Clarence. “I don’t think I’m ever going to find the perfect trophy.” He sighed.

  “Think positive! There’s one more trophy left,” said Sumo.

  Clarence shut his eyes and thought positive!

  Sumo pulled the very last trophy out of the box. It was really old. Sumo blew some dust off the giant gold cup and handed it to Clarence. “This one is for you.”

  Clarence buffed the trophy with his shirt and read it out loud. “WINNER! Of the Aberdale Chili Cook-Off.”

  Clarence looked at Sumo and Jeff and then at the trophy. He considered the trophy for a long moment. “This is perfect! I love chili!”

  Jeff looked at the trophy. “But Clarence, you didn’t win a chili contest.”

  Clarence jumped up. “Not yet! Come on, everyone! Chili night at my house!”

  Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo burst through the front door. Chad was on the couch, reading a magazine. “So how was school today, little man?”

  Clarence was so excited! “It was so good. Nature Kate came to class and told us that animals can do all kinds of things people can’t. Like sleep upside down, glow in the dark, or read minds.”

  Sumo hopped onto the couch right next to Chad. “And then we found this!” Sumo shoved an old plastic water bottle into Chad’s face. Inside the bottle was . . . an inchworm.

  “Oh cool! An inchworm,” said Chad. “Actually, its real name is Alsophila pometaria,” quipped Jeff.

  Chad stared at Jeff. “If you say so.”

  Clarence ran over to Chad. “Can I keep him? Can I keep him? Please, please! I’ll do anything, even if it’s horrible like wash dishes, mow the lawn, or flush the toilet.”

  “Sure,” Chad said. “You can do anything you want if you set your mind to it.”

  “Awesome! I’m going to name him Inchy!” Clarence squealed.

  Clarence, Sumo, and Jeff ran into Clarence’s room and put the bottle on his desk. The worm sat at the bottom of the bottle, doing nothing.

  Sumo stared into the bottle. “Now what?”

  Clarence stared at Inchy, too. “We could have a staring contest.” Clarence leaned in and stared at the inchworm. Inchy stared back with his twelve black eyes. Clarence stared with his two eyes. “Okay, Inchy. Whoever blinks first loses! Go!”

  They stared at each other. It was intense!

  “Clarence, if you’re going to have a pet, you have to know how to take care of it,” Jeff said, squatting on the floor and pulling some books from his backpack. “Fortunately, I have my biology textbook with me.”

  “I hope we learn that he’s poisonous!” Sumo added.

  Clarence finally blinked. “Inchy wins!” Then he ran around the room holding Inchy’s bottle over his head victoriously. “Haugghghggh! And the crowd goes wild!”

  Jeff flipped through the textbook. He opened up to the chapter on caterpillars. It had all kinds of pictures of caterpillars, inchworms, moths, and butterflies. “It says here inchworms need a lot of room to grow.”

  “Uh, okay,” said Clarence. Then he searched through his closet until he found an empty fishbowl. He shook Inchy into the tank and put the fishbowl back on his desk. “Room to grow. Got it!”

  Jeff looked up from his textbook and saw that the fishbowl was totally empty. “Clarence, you can’t keep a inchworm alive in a bowl with nothing else.”

  “Yeah,” said Sumo. “Caterpillars need stuff to climb on. Like rocks and garbage!”

  Clarence dug around in his toy chest. “Or dinosaurs?” He dumped some plastic dinosaurs in the tank. Inchy climbed up a toy T. rex.

  Sumo was impressed. “Good boy, Inchy!”

  Jeff flipped through the textbook. “And it says here that inchworms eat leaves.”

  CRACK! Sumo reached out the window and yanked a huge branch off the tree and dumped it in the tank. “Done! What else?”

  “And, of course, all living things need water,” read Jeff.

  Clarence ran to his bed. “I have an emergency juice box under my pillow!” He pulled the juice box out and stuffed it in the tank. “I hope Inchy likes cran-grape!”

  Jeff kept reading his textbook. “It also says here that caterpillars are born in nests. Sometimes with over a thousand other baby caterpillars.”

  Clarence looked into Inchy’s bowl. “Oh, Inchy! Are you lonely for more caterpillar friends just like you?”

  Inchy didn’t answer. He just stared at Clarence from atop the Tyrannosaurus rex. Clarence stared back. “Uh-oh! Inchy wants another staring contest! He sure does love ’em!”

  Clarence stared at Inchy, and Inchy stared back. Neither one blinke
d. For, like, a whole minute. Clarence did everything he could to keep his eyes open, even though they felt as dry as paper. Sumo helped by holding Clarence’s eyelids with his hands. But, finally, Clarence had to blink. AGAIN!

  Clarence laughed. “Good job, Inchy! You’re the best staring-contest winner ever. But, I’m starting to think it’s because you don’t have eyelids.”

  Sumo leaned out the window. “I don’t see any other caterpillars out here to be friends with Inchy.”

  “You guys, if I’m going to be a good pet owner, I think we’re going to have to be Inchy’s caterpillar friends!” said Clarence.

  Jeff looked up from his textbook. “How are we gonna do that?”

  Clarence ran to his closet and pulled out a box his mom had labeled ARTS & CRAFTS. “First, we gotta look like inchworms.” He pulled pipe cleaners, a glue stick, and markers out of the box.

  Jeff pulled a magnifying lens out of his backpack and took a closer look at Inchy. With the magnifying lens, he could tell that Inchy had spiky hairs all over his fat body. He had pointy antennae, black eyes, and suction cups on all his feet. He looked like an alien from another planet!

  When Jeff turned around, Clarence and Sumo looked just like Inchy. They had drawn extra eyes on their faces and stuck pipe cleaners in their hair to make antennae.

  “Wow. That looks really . . . real, you guys,” exclaimed Jeff. “I hope that’s not permanent marker.”

  “It is,” Sumo said as he inchwormed along the floor on his belly. “Now we just gotta figure out how to climb like inchworms!”

  “How about with this?” Clarence said proudly. He held the glue stick high over his head.

  Jeff looked concerned. “A glue stick?”

  Clarence pulled off his shirt and rubbed the glue stick all over his chest. “You guys, it will be so fun! We can put this glue on us, and then we can climb stuff just like Inchy. We’ll be his best friends. WATCH!”

  Clarence got a running start and then jumped against his bedroom wall. SPLAT!

  He slid right back down the wall.

  The glue stick fell out of his hand and rolled to the floor by Sumo’s nose. “Why not? I’ll give it a shot!” said Sumo.