– Joyce
It felt wonderful to write a clear intention for how I have chosen to live my life!
CHAPTER 9
SELF-CARE BUFFER ZONE
As a busy lawyer, it’s easy for Allison to ignore her own needs while meeting the demands of her profession.
I have to work long, unpredictable hours, so taking care of myself is next to impossible. Being able to tune out my body actually works pretty well for me—except when it doesn’t. If I stop working long enough to pay attention, I notice that I’m exhausted, irritable, famished, frustrated, and sometimes exhilarated. When I’m working on a case, I find myself eating to stay awake, then bingeing late at night to relieve all the stress and calm myself down enough to sleep.
Eating isn’t the only pendulum in my life. I work, work, work then collapse on vacation. I save, save, save then blow all my money on some extravagant purchase to reward myself for working so much. I ignored a cough for three weeks then landed in the emergency room with pneumonia and had to postpone a trial. I guess my life could use a little balance, variety, and moderation too.
WHERE DO I INVEST MY ENERGY?
Self-Care
The last decision point in the Mindful Eating Cycle is “Where do I invest my energy?” Investing your energy to build a strong self-care buffer zone will make you less vulnerable and more resilient to the triggers and stressors you face each day. Mindfulness helps you pay attention to your self-care needs so you can make choices that bolster your resistance to disease, ineffective thoughts, and overwhelming emotions.
Caring for Yourself
Allison, like many others who struggle with binge eating, had essentially disconnected herself from her physical and emotional needs.
I’ve been “in my head” for as long as I can remember so the Body-Mind-Heart Scan made me so uncomfortable! I had divorced myself from my body a long time ago, so the last thing I want to do is pay attention to it, much less care for it. I hate to exercise. I don’t sleep. I don’t buy new clothes very often. I avoid going to the doctor.
It’s even hard to have friends when you’re working all the time. I haven’t bothered to get involved in another relationship since my partner and I broke up a few years ago. Well, except for food! That’s one relationship that has always been there for me.
Listen to Your Self-Care Voice
As explained in chapter 4, your self-care voice is the compassionate, wise voice that understands what you’ve been through, yet keeps your best intentions in mind. Your self-care voice helps you explore the connection between your triggers, emotions, and needs to come up with action steps for meeting those needs. It takes practice to cultivate your self-care voice and decide to meet your needs in more effective ways. Let’s use the “Trigger, Feeling, Need, Action Plan” formula you learned in chapter 5 to eavesdrop on the self-care voices that are developing in the people you’ve met in previous chapters. Listen to the way the self-care voice validates their feelings and their past attempts to meet their needs, then comes up with a new action plan for meeting those needs.
Kurt knew he needed more pleasure in his life.
Trigger: When I get home after a long day at work.
Feeling: I feel physically and emotionally drained.
Need: I need comfort and pleasure.
Self-Care Voice: Of course you want food! It looks good, tastes good, smells good, and feels good so it gives you immediate comfort and pleasure. The downside is that afterward, the temporary pleasure is replaced by discomfort and regret for the rest of the evening. Before you head right for the pantry or fridge when you get home from work, take care of your need for comfort and pleasure to help you transition into your evening routine. What else gives you comfort and pleasure?
Action Plan: I will take a hot shower, change into my favorite sweatshirt and spend some time playing with my kids and the dog. Before I turn on the TV, I’ll listen to some music and sit in my favorite chair to read the sports section.
Joyce realized she needed to find ways to fill her time.
Trigger: I looked forward to retirement but it’s not what I expected.
Feeling: I’m bored.
Need: I need something to keep me busy during the day. I need to have purpose.
Self-Care Voice: Of course you want to eat when you’re bored; eating is something to do! The problem is that as soon as you stop eating, you’re bored again, so you eat again. Have you forgotten about all the things you said you wanted to do when you retired—like refinishing your furniture or researching your ancestry? What else is this about? Could it be that when you were working, you had a schedule and important things to get done?
OK, I get it; maybe refinishing the furniture is just too overwhelming. What else do you like to do? Think of the last time you were passionate about something, something that energized you. What were you doing? What else would give you purpose? What’s important to you? Do you want to volunteer, learn something new, take on a new challenge, make some new friends?
Action Plan: I do want to refinish the furniture but I will break it into smaller, more manageable chunks—beginning with taking a class at the hardware store. I will also look into teaching at the university—they need more professors with real-world experience in my field.
Robert has a lot on his plate.
Trigger: When I’m under a lot of pressure trying to get a new project off the ground.
Feeling: I feel stressed out.
Need: I need more self-care to feel balanced and calm.
Self-Care Voice: Of course you want to eat! You feel like you’re in constant survival mode: fight, run, or numb. Stress takes a physical and emotional toll—who doesn’t want to feel more balanced and calm, even if only for a few moments? Since stress has a direct effect on your health, let’s rethink adding to the stress with another binge. It’s important to just rest; you don’t always have to be productive. Since it’s not possible, or desirable, to get rid of stress completely, you need to keep things in perspective and learn to manage stress before it manages you.
Action Plan: I will keep things in perspective by asking myself two key questions: “What difference will this make one week or even one year from now?” and “Is this really important to me?” I will create a buffer zone of self-care activities to make myself more resilient and able to bounce back more easily from the stresses and demands of my daily life. I will use more-effective stress relievers like exercise, meditation, relaxation techniques, having fun, and connecting with my friends and family instead of wasting time on pseudo-relaxation like watching TV.
Cathy worries about situations that are beyond her control.
Trigger: When I have no control over a situation.
Feeling: I feel worried and tense.
Need: I need to feel secure and relaxed.
Self-Care Voice: Of course you turn to food; eating distracts and soothes you—at least temporarily. Worrying about the past or the future robs you of the present. When you’re worrying, you’re focused on the future; that’s the opposite of being mindful. Worrying is a habit, and habits can be changed with awareness so you can make a choice to redirect your attention and energy. And even when you can’t control a situation, you can still be in charge of how you respond. What, if anything, can you do right now to change this situation? If there’s a small step you can take, take it. If there isn’t anything you can do, let it go and have faith and trust that it will work out.
Action Plan: I will practice living in the present moment. When I notice myself feeling nervous, I will take several mindful breaths or take a few minutes for mindful meditation using the mantra, “Be here now.” I will decide whether I’m willing to continue to focus on the thoughts even though they are causing me discomfort. I will try to park my worries and only come back to them when I have time to problem solve.
(Note: If you have anxiety that is frequent, persistent, or severe and out of proportion to the seriousness or likelihood of the feared event, please see a beha
vioral health professional.)
Brittney shared two big events she had to cope with.
Trigger: My mom called to tell me that my dog died, then my dad announced that he’s getting married.
Feeling: I feel sad and depressed.
Need: I need comfort and hope that things will get easier.
Self-Care Voice: It feels like a rug has been pulled out from underneath you and your sense of reality has been shaken. You had Fifi since she was a puppy. Of course, you’re tempted to seek out food for distraction and comfort. But you know from experience that eating only distracts you temporarily and can’t truly soothe your pain. Both of these events are significant to you; be patient with yourself and allow yourself to grieve. Remember the wave? Even these intense feelings will eventually dissipate as you allow yourself to experience them. Now you’re going to have to adjust to having a stepmother!
Action Plan: I will try to journal about it and I will allow myself to cry when I need to. I will get support from my friends and talk to others who have been through stuff like this. I will find ways to take care of myself and keep myself busy. When I’m ready, I will make an effort to get to know dad’s fiancé.
(Note: If sadness is persistent or disruptive, you may have complicated grief or clinical depression. See a behavioral health professional.)
Kurt opened up about feeling guilty.
Trigger: My elderly mother died last fall before I made it out to see her. Actually, I feel guilty about a lot of things.
Feeling: I feel guilty and ashamed.
Need: I need to forgive myself.
Self-Care Voice: Of course! Overeating is a way to punish yourself when you feel guilty or ashamed about something that happened—even something in the distant past. Feeling guilty about overeating just compounds your guilt. You had no way of knowing how quickly her cancer would go; if you could do it over again, you would have gone to stay with her. But you can’t do it over. Punishing yourself by bingeing only makes you hurt more; mom wouldn’t have wanted that. Rather than shaming yourself, this is an opportunity to accept responsibility, ask for forgiveness, learn the lesson, and move on. Nobody’s perfect. It’s important to separate your choices and behaviors from who you are as a person—even when it comes to your eating. Extend grace and forgiveness to yourself. You were doing the best you knew how at the time. That’s the reason for all the “of courses!”
Action Plan: When I’m feeling guilty about something, I’ll ask myself how my actions contributed to that situation. I’ll ask myself, “If I knew then what I know now, and if I were operating at my best, what do I wish I would have done differently?” I will acknowledge my mistakes and extract whatever valuable life lessons I can. Because of this experience, I will be careful to spend time with people I care about so I won’t have any regrets.
(Note: Persistent shame may stem from a history of trauma or abuse; if this is true for you, it’s important to seek help from a behavioral health professional to safely address these issues.)
Connie continues to struggle with perfectionism.
Trigger: When I feel like I have to get everything perfect.
Feeling: I am afraid that when people see my flaws, they won’t like me.
Need: I need unconditional acceptance.
Self-Care Voice: Of course! Human beings have a deep seated need for approval. It is common for people with eating disorders to have perfectionistic thinking like yours. You may have been born this way! Overeating is a way to disengage from the distress of not meeting your own expectations. But since perfection is an impossibly high bar, expecting yourself, and others to be perfect guarantees that you’ll never be satisfied. While it’s important to do your best, perfection isn’t possible or necessary. You don’t have to be perfect to be enough.
Action Plan: I will remind myself what I’ve learned about dichotomous thinking and practice finding a more balanced and gentle way to approach my life. I will be more mindful about accepting what is rather than what I think it should be. I will ask myself, “Is there a more reasonable expectation I could have about this situation or myself? What would be a more realistic and empowering way of talking to myself about this?” I will work on being more willing to risk making a mistake, and when I do, I will see it as an opportunity for learning and growth, instead of failure.
Brittney sensed a need for deeper spiritual connection.
Trigger: When there are so many changes in my life, the world feels unpredictable and lonely.
Feeling: I feel empty, alone, and afraid, like something’s missing.
Need: I need spiritual connection.
Self-Care Voice: Of course! Most people have a need to feel connected to something greater than themselves and feel less alone in this great big universe. They say that everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart and so maybe you’ve been using food to help fill the void instead.
Action Plan: As I practice mindfulness, I am feeling more connected to nature and life around me. My “beginner’s mind” is allowing me to appreciate the beauty in simple things. I’ll start using prayer and meditation to help me deepen this spiritual connection I’m feeling. I may even check out some of the faith organizations on campus.
THE GREY AREA
MINDFUL RELATIONSHIPS
Mindful living promotes healthier relationships. Bringing mindfulness—intention and attention—into your relationships reduces conflict, decreases emotional distress, increases your opportunities to meet your needs, and makes for more satisfying connections with others. People with disordered eating and eating disorders often isolate themselves and/or have difficulty reaching out to others and asking for support. Many turn to food to try to meet their need for satisfying relationships. An important part of recovery is to replace your relationship with food with relationships involving other people. Food will then take its proper place: nourishing and fueling your body.
Start by setting an intention for your relationships, such as, “I will strive to be respectful, attentive, and loving toward myself and others.” Focus your attention during your interactions in order to actively listen, validate, assertively communicate, and resolve conflict.
Actively Listen
Active listening draws others out and invites them to communicate their thoughts, feelings, and needs. It allows you to learn how they think and feel, and hear what they need. You listen actively when you pay full attention while they talk, make eye contact, nod, say “Uh-huh,” and allow them to speak uninterrupted. But it’s more than paying attention; it’s being intentional about improving the relationship by trying to understand their viewpoint and needs. Here are a few examples of questions that will help you understand another person better:
•What do you think about this situation?
•How did you feel about what happened?
•What do you need to feel better about this?
Validate
In any relationship—including your relationship with yourself—validation conveys understanding and acceptance. Validation intentionally communicates that their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors are understandable given their experiences. Validation is not to be confused with agreement; you don’t have to agree with someone to validate them.
Validation meets the intrinsic need to be understood. It communicates acceptance, calms reactivity, builds trust, fosters closeness, models empathy, and enhances self-respect. Other examples of ways to validate others:
•I hear what you’re saying.
•You seem really sad.
•I can understand why you feel disappointed.
•I see what you mean when you say that.
It is equally important to validate yourself, as in these examples:
•Of course! You were doing the best you could under the circumstances.
•It’s ok to think and feel this way; it’s understandable given all the stress you’ve been under.
•It doesn’t feel good now but you were just trying to make yourself feel better.
•Let’s look at the Mindful Eating Cycle to try to understand what happened and see what you could do differently next time.
Assertively Communicate
Assertiveness is communicating how you feel about a particular situation without blaming or judging and then stating what you want, need, or prefer. The key to assertive communication is taking responsibility for your own feelings and communicating your needs clearly, without being passive, aggressive, or both. When you communicate your needs clearly and assertively, you give others the ability to decide whether to meet those needs.
Blaming or accusing someone by using you statements, such as, “You hurt my feelings,” tends to make the person feel defensive and pushes them further away. Conversely, I statements, such as, “I feel hurt,” puts you in charge of your own emotions and reactions, and draws the other person closer. The following script will help guide you.
When you ________________________ (describe behavior), I feel/felt _________________________ (describe feeling) and I want/need/would prefer __________________ (describe desired behavior).
Example: When you speak critically about me, I feel hurt and inadequate. I need to hear you say that you love and appreciate me more often.
Resolve Conflict
Conflict is inherent in any relationship because people don’t always think or feel the same way about any given situation. Problems occur when someone is so focused on defending their point of view that they cannot pay attention to the thoughts, feelings, and views of another. This is likely to leave the other person feeling defensive, misunderstood, hurt, and/or angry. Like other forms of dichotomous thinking, believing that you are right and another is wrong prevents you from seeing a third option: we each have valid viewpoints and we can work through this together.
Validating the other person and using assertive communication to express and listen to one another’s viewpoints and needs diffuses anger and prevents hurt feelings and misunderstandings. This will allow you to focus on finding a balance between your two seemingly opposite positions to formulate a solution that satisfies everyone involved.
Eat What You Love, Love What You Eat for Binge Eating Page 15