The Ink That Brands Us: A Colorado Ink Novel

by Terra Deason

  “Hey. What’s up?” He asked, standing.

  “Um, I need to cut out early. I, um...” I looked around, but I couldn’t think of anything to say.

  “Okay. Don’t worry about it. We’ll see you tomorrow,” he smiled.

  I picked my bags off the floor and sprinted to the door. I didn’t have any idea where to go and I knew going home was out because Jensen would just find me there or he would send Saw there to check on me and I need to be alone. I decided on driving around for a while, hoping to find somewhere to go while I was out. I only made it a few blocks when the perfect place hit me and I was only a few blocks away.

  Parking quickly, I hurried into the building. As soon as I entered the building, I felt like I could breathe again. There was something about being surrounded by books that calmed me. I put my phone on vibrate and sent Saw a quick message to let her know I was fin and would be home later.

  I hardly had my phone back into my pocket when buzzed.

  Saw: Freya!

  Saw: What is going on?! Jensen is losing it and you disappear. Now he’s not saying anything.

  I didn’t want to get into it with her right now, but I knew she would be persistent and I hated making her worry. It would be better to just get this over with now.

  Me: It’s nothing I didn’t know would happen.

  Saw: What’s that supposed to mean?

  Me: I said some stupid stuff. You know, typical me. I made everything awkward. Just give some time and then we’ll talk okay?

  Saw: Promise?

  Me: Promise.

  Saw: Fine. Text me soon.

  I returned my phone back to my pocket and headed down the nearest stack. I really wasn’t looking for anything just needed something to distract me for a while. Or maybe looking for a place to be alone for a while.

  When I came across an empty, dust collected aisle I didn’t hesitate to walk down it. I doubted anyone had been down it in a while considered the level on dust that coated the books. I needed peace and this seemed like the perfect place.

  I sat down in the middle of the aisle, leaning against the shelf. I couldn’t believe I was in this situation. I was an idiot. He was messed up over a broken relationship and wasn’t ready to get over it. And from the looks of it he never wanted to either. I should’ve stayed away from him.

  My leg was on fire and itched under my leggings and I reached down to rub at it before thinking better of it. I jerked my hand back and close my eyes trying to block it all out. Maybe I could just sit here until this whole thing blew over.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket and I suppressed a groan and pulled it out of my pocket.

  Jensen: I’ll understand if you want me to move out.

  My breath caught and I struggled to keep it together. The thought of kicking him out made my heart hurt. No, I didn’t want him to move out. He was still my best friend, and I wanted to be around him. I needed to be around him.

  Me: No. Of course I don’t want you to move out. Don’t be ridiculous.

  Jensen: I’m so sorry, luv.

  I closed my eyes, taking in a deep breath before answering.

  Me: Don’t be sorry. I’m glad you told me how you felt. Let’s pretend that I never said anything and just go back to how things were. You’re my best friend, Jensen. I can’t lose that.

  I meant every word though it felt like I was tearing my heart out and burning it.

  Jensen: If that’s what you want, luv.

  Me: It is.

  Jensen: Come home now, luv.

  Me: Maybe in a bit.

  Jensen: Where are you? I can keep you company.

  Me: Someplace magical. I’ll be fine. See you later.

  I say my phone beside me with the screen facing down. He didn’t reply and I figured he was giving me the space I asked for. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes letting the quiet was over me. It was comforting; the silence. It was something I had grow used to before I moved here and the one thing I miss about being in Kentucky.

  It wasn’t ten minutes later when someone sat down beside me and I didn’t need to open my eyes to know who it was. With a sigh, I leaned my head to rest on his shoulder and he reached out taking my hand in to his.

  “How did you find me?” I murmured.

  “Really, luv? A magical place? I only needed on guess.” He chuckled and squeezed my hand.

  “I wanted to be alone.”

  “You’re my best friend too, luv.”

  “I’m beginning to hate that those words.”

  I sat up straighter and put some distance between us. The last thing I needed was to be close to him. It would only make it worse.

  “I’m sorry.” I knew that he was, but it wasn’t enough. I wanted my feelings to disappear as fast as they occurred, but the reality of it was, things weren’t that easy.

  “It’s fine. I am fine. I will deal with it.” Pushing to my feet, I stood and dusted my bottom off, then offered him my hand.

  I pulled, stepping back until he was standing, too. Moving around him, I led us out of the aisle. The library workers shot us nasty looks as we emerged. No doubt they thought we were up to no good. Little did they know I was just getting my heart broken.

  The cold air wrapped around me like an icy blanket and I had to wrap my arms around me for comfort. That’s what I get for not grabbing my jacket in my haste to escape.

  “I’ll see you at the apartment,” I said, walking to my car.

  “I’ll race you,” he called running for his GTO.

  Twenty-One

  I didn’t believe Jensen when he said he didn’t want me because I knew there was something there and he was just to scared too grab it. I wanted him to grab it and never let go. He was being stubborn and I would not make it easy on him. I made sure he knew what he was missing.

  We still did our normal stuff. We carpooled, had breakfast together, we even had Roommate day still, but I made sure to sit a little too close, getting in his personal space. Leaning into him when I was reaching for something. Sitting to close when we were at my desk at work. Having out in his studio when I knew it would just be me and him. To top it all off, I mostly wore my sports bra and short, shorts around the apartment.

  I knew it was working because he seemed to be in a constant bad mood and when I walked out of my room in my short shorts he couldn’t keep his eyes off my legs. One night I accidently dropped something, and he walked into the room as soon as I bent over. I thought he was going to have a stroke. He ended up taking a long shower that night.

  The hardest part was pretending I wasn’t hurting. That his rejection doesn’t bother me anymore. It was so draining to keep the act up and I knew there were days when everyone could see right thru me. Saw, for one, made a habit of mentioning it every chance she got. Warning me that I was playing with fire and it was going to backfire.

  I ignored her.

  I was still seeing Alex. Mostly at school because I rarely agreed to a night out with him. I was trying to be distant while I worked up the nerve to break it off. The worst part is that most of the time I used him when I needed a break from pretending. Which is how I ended up agreeing to a night out with him when it was Roommate night. I dreaded it the second I agreed. Plus, I hated ditching Jensen..

  I sat on my bed in my bra and panties with my head in my hands trying to figure out how I could possibly be so tired. Maybe it was because I was sleeping more than normal or because they were restless sleeps? I couldn’t even escape to my dreams because they were filled with Jensen, too. He was everywhere.

  I didn't hear the knock until it was too late and I didn’t bother to cover up either. He should be used to finding me half naked these days.

  I lifted my head from my hands to look up at Jensen. He was standing in my doorway looking at the floor.

  “Hey,” I said trying to sound cheerful. “What’s up?”

  “I was just wondering what you wanted to do for Roommate day? You slept all day, so I figured we could catch a movie tonight.” He di
dn’t look up from the floor.

  “Oh. I’m sorry Jensen. I didn’t realize today was Sunday.” I slide off the bed and walked over to him, smile in place. “I have plans. Maybe another night, okay?” I reached out and put a hand under his chin, lifting until he looked up at me. I didn’t miss how his eyes ran up the length of my body and I didn’t hide the shiver it caused.

  He didn’t say anything, so I reached up and patted him on the check before walking over to my closet, flipping through my clothes until I found my favorite black sweater dress. It looked killer with my combat boots. I pulled it on, then grabbed my boots. I tossed them on the floor beside my bed before walked over to my dresser and pulled out a pair of tights.

  Jensen never moved from his spot at the door and never took his eyes off of me, but the look on his face wasn’t the usual anger or frustration. He looked sad, and it pulled at my heartstrings. I took one last look in the mirror, then went to go face my friend.

  “Why the sad face, friend?” I cocked my head to the side and furrowed my brows.

  “It’s nothing, luv.” He shrugged off the wall and stepped to the side, giving me room to pass.

  “Okay, but if you want to talk you, know I’m here.” I placed a quick peck on his cheek before walking passed him and headed for the door. I grabbed my bag and slung it on my shoulder. With my hand on the knob, I turned to look back at my friend.

  I could see what I had been trying to avoid for the past few weeks since I told him how I felt. I was losing my best friend. He may be standing a few feet from me, but he wasn’t my friend anymore. There was no coming back from this. No matter how hard I tried.

  My chest squeezed, and I rushed out the door before something could cross my face and give me away. I slammed the door behind me and leaned against, taking in long even breaths to clear my head. The last thing I wanted was to have a breakdown.

  After a few minutes I felt a little better, but wasn’t in any mood to go out. There was no way I could trade one night of pretending for another. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and dialed Alex’s number.

  “Hey!” He greeted me. “I was just on my way out the door.”

  “Hey, bad news. Saw is in a mood and needs company tonight, so I’m just going to crash with her. I’m sorry.” I wasn’t.

  “Oh. Well that’s okay. I understand. Take care of your girl.”

  “Thanks for understanding.”

  “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “Of course.” The line went dead and I let out a sigh of relief.

  Now I had to figure out what to do to kill. There was no way I was going back into that apartment. I could go to Saw’s, but I wasn’t sure I was in the mood to dodge questions about how I was really feeling.

  I trudged down the stairs deciding that I would just take a long drive. Maybe it would help me clear my head and if not maybe by the time I returned Jensen would be in bed.

  After about an hour of driving aimlessly and wasting a ton of gas, I called it a night and headed back to the apartment. Hopefully, Jensen wouldn’t ask why I was home early. I wasn’t sure I could think of a good enough lie. Plus, lying over the phone was one thing, lying to someone's face was really hard.

  When I pulled into my parking space, I noticed Jensen’s car was gone. That was an unexpected relief. With luck, I could be asleep by the time he returned. Well, pretend to be asleep. I wasn’t the least bit tired after sleeping all day.

  I checked the time, noting that it was still early in Kentucky and my mom would probably still be awake. we hadn’t talked in a while and I missed her. She wasn’t aware of what was going on with me lately and I realized that I really wanted to talk to her about it.

  She answered on the first ring.

  “Freya?”

  “Hi, mama.” Hearing her voice broke something in me and my lip trembled.

  “What’s wrong, baby.” Her voice was soft just like I remembered it did when I was having a bad day and she knew I wanted to talk.

  “I want to come home, mama.” I didn’t realize how much until right then. “Can you believe i’ve managed to get myself into more boy drama?”

  “Oh Freya,” she said. She didn’t sound disapproving, but understanding in a way.

  I laid it out for her. Not skipping any details. I told her I thought I might have fallen for my best friend, but he didn’t want me back. Or so he said. I told her about Alex and how I was with him, but wasn’t really with him.

  She took a moment to scold me then, telling me it wasn’t to lead the ‘poor boy’ on if I knew it wasn’t going anywhere. She told me I wasn’t the kind of girl who lead a boy on, but the one that fell in love with her best friend. So, I needed to cut him loose before I caused damage.

  She was right. She always was.

  “And Freya, baby. If this Jensen is as important to you as you are to him, then don’t give up.”

  “Thanks, mama,” I sniffed. I was glad I called. I could always count on her to set things in perspective and help me sort out the messes I seem to find myself in.

  “Anytime,” she said. “Now come visit soon. We miss you.”

  “I will, I promise. I love you.”

  “And I you.”

  I disconnected the call and dropped my phone onto my lap. Taking a deep breath I climbed out of my car and went inside. I had just put my key into the door when I head Saw’s door open.

  “You know,” I said turning to smile at her. “I’m beginning to think you just stand at your door and wait for me to come home.”

  She was leaning against her door frame, smirking up at me. “I’m your biggest stalker. What can I say? That and you are the only person who drags their feet when walking up those steps.”

  “Duly noted,” I said, frowning.

  “You’re home awfully early.”

  “Yeah. I just drove around for a while. I didn’t really feel like a date.”

  “Really? You went alone?” She looked to the stairs like she expected someone else to walk up them.

  “Yeah. I kinda needed a minute alone. To clear my head and all that.” She shifted and I could tell that she was going to start in on me. “I’m kinda beat, so I think I’m going to hit the hay.”

  She rolled her eyes and shrugged. “Because sleeping all day is exhausting?”

  “It’s not a crime to be tired.” I sounded defensive.

  “No, but it’s a crime to pretend to be something you’re not.”

  “I’m fine,” I snapped.

  Her eyebrows raised. “I never said you weren’t.” She gave me one last look, then stepped back into her apartment closing the door. She saw right through me and just called me on it.

  I pushed into my apartment and went straight to my room, locking the door behind me. I went to my bathroom and filled the tub, hoping a relaxing bath would soothe me. My body was tense and a little sore, probably from laying in bed all day, then being cooped up in my car.

  As I lay in the tub I decided to give Jensen a break and stop flaunting myself in front of him. It really wasn’t fair to either of us and to be honest I was a little tired of putting in the extra effort to do it. I also decided to really try to be happy, and I needed to figure something out about Jensen. The look on his face when I left earlier was haunting me and I’d do whatever it took to never have him look at me that way again. Maybe I would talk to Saw. She might have an idea.

  With a renewed sense of purpose, I climbed out of the bath and went to lie down. To my surprise it didn’t take long for sleep to claim me and to my relief I didn’t dream about Jensen the entire night. I hoped that it would be a good sign for how things were going to go.

  Twenty-Two

  The next day wasn’t much better. I fell into my pretend roll no matter how hard I tried to snap out of it. It just seemed to be easier than really dealing with my real feelings. It was a challenge, but by the end of the week I felt more like myself and I knew my friends could see the difference too.

  We were all heading out Friday after
closing the shop. Everyone had their own plans and I was destined to head back to the apartment alone. Again. For the first time all week I didn’t want to be alone. I had taken the time to dress up today and I was in the mood to have a good time. Maybe have fun for a change.

  “Saw!” I called as she was climbing into her car.

  She paused for a moment before turning to face me. “What’s up, babe?”

  “We should go out. Hit a club or something. Maybe go dancing.” I sounded bubbly and it was annoying to my own ears.

  She looked surprised for a brief moment before her face fell. “I’m sorry, Freya. I have plans already.”

  “Oh!” I said, my brow furrowing. “That’s okay. Maybe tomorrow or something.”

  “Yea. Tomorrow.” She looked uncertain, but I just smiled at her and started to climb into my car.

  “I’ll go with you,” Jensen called from behind me.

  I turned to face him not masking the shock on my face. “Really?”

  “Of course, luv,” he said, smiling.

  “You don’t have to do that. I’m sure you have plans,” I tried to give him an out, but he looked determined.

  “I don’t have any.”

  “Oh. Okay, then.” I tried to look excited, but I had a feeling this was a bad idea. “We’ll take your car if that’s okay. I’m sure you know all the best clubs in town.”

  He took me to The Hall, and I was a little disappointed. I had wanted to go somewhere new, but this place would do. They had tequila and a dance floor, so it would serve its purpose and as soon as we were inside I made a beeline to the bar ordering two shots of tequila. Both were for me. If I was going to have a good time tonight, I was going to need something to help me loosen up.

  “You look like a woman on a mission,” Jensen chuckled beside me. He held his hand up for the bartender, then order a beer.

  “A mission to have fun,” I said, slamming down the second empty shot glass. “I’m hitting the dance floor, you coming?”