The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  Adam poses with Abraham Lincoln in 2007 after just three short classes in resurrecting the dead at the Shaker Heights Institute of Technology—don’t delay, act now and call them toll-free for information that can start you on your way to an exciting new career in necromancy, auto mechanics, accounting, or restaurant management!

  No one died in the battle of Fort Sumter, but a cannon misfired during the surrender ceremony and ended up killing a Union soldier. Oops!

  While Lincoln had a reputation for partying (he enjoyed a good dirty joke), he suffered from crippling anxiety and depression. Some even say he was suicidal. This surely stemmed from a mental disorder, but you’d probably be depressed, too, if entire states hated you so much that they were willing to secede from the country to get away from you.

  The eleven seceding states quickly formed their own country, the Confederate States of America. They picked Richmond, Virginia, as their capital, wrote up a constitution, and elected Jefferson Davis, who had most recently been a senator from Mississippi, as their first president.

  One of the more popular ideas in the North at the time was to just let the Southern states go. If the South seceded today (and some people there still occasionally threaten to when they’ve had a few drinks), the war would probably be fought with lawyers, not soldiers.

  It’s possible that that’s what might have happened then, too, if things had played out just a little bit differently. Lincoln was determined not to attack the South unless they attacked first, and Jefferson Davis, the Confederate president, didn’t want to attack first, either. But, very early on, the Confederacy decided to start taking over U.S. Army forts in the South by force, and Lincoln responded by fighting back.

  ALEXANDER STEPHENS: CSA VICE PRESIDENT, RACIST

  This is a dangerous chapter for us to write. Saying that the war was about slavery, even partially, is sort of sending a call to arms to Confederate supporters (and there are lots of them still around) to harass us and call us names. We’re gonna get a lot of mail telling us that the war was really about tariff disputes, cultural differences, states’ rights, or other such things. But we’re pretty comfortable saying that the cause of the war all boiled down to slavery. Know how we know this? Because the Confederate states said so themselves! All four of the states that issued Articles of Secession (reasons they were leaving the Union) mentioned slavery early on—two mentioned it in the first sentence. Georgia’s articles mentioned slavery more than thirty times! All of them made it abundantly clear that the reason they wanted to leave the Union was to protect the institution of slavery.

  More quotes:

  “[Slavery] was the immediate cause… of our present revolution. Our new government is founded upon … the great truth that the negro is not equal to the white man.”—Alexander Stephens, Confederate vice president (who was actually a bit progressive, in that he did think slave marriages should be recognized)

  “It is abolition doctrine … the very doctrine which the war was commenced to put down.”—The North Carolina Standard, 1865, on the idea of allowing black soldiers to join the Confederate army

  “What did we go to war for, if not to protect our property?”—Robert Hunter, Virginia senator

  See the Articles of Secession themselves on www.smartalecksguide.com if you don’t believe us!

  The Battle of Bull Run. Not pictured: picnickers.

  The first battle of the war was over control of Fort Sumter, a Union fort in South Carolina. Davis had sent a few guys to D.C. to offer to pay for the fort so the army could take it peacefully, but the Confederates attacked before a deal could be made. The fort wasn’t very well supplied, and it had been built to defend against attacks from the sea. The cannons faced the water and couldn’t fire on invaders coming in from behind on land. After a thirty-four-hour battle, the fort’s commander surrendered to the Confederacy.

  One day later, Abraham Lincoln called for seventy-five thousand volunteers to form an army and put what he assumed would be a swift end to the rebellion.

  Lincoln asked Robert E. Lee to command the Union forces. However, two days before, Lee’s home state of Virginia had seceded from the Union. Lee was a loyal American who privately opposed slavery, but his real loyalty was to his home state of Virginia. Instead of taking over the Union army, he resigned and joined the Confederate forces.

  Most people in the North expected that the war would be a short one; the volunteers Lincoln requested were only asked to serve for ninety days. Few believed that the Confederacy was capable of putting up much of a fight. After all, most of America’s natural and manufactured resources were in the North—the value of all goods made in the South added up to about a quarter of the value of goods manufactured in New York alone. The North had a population of about 21 million, while the South had only 9 million—and 3.5 million of those were slaves, who weren’t allowed to join the Confederate army. About the only thing the Confederacy had that the Union didn’t was cotton, and you just can’t beat an army by throwing cotton at it.

  Still, the Confederacy took Lincoln by surprise. The first year was disastrous for the Union, and by the end of the whole thing, the Confederacy had managed to stay in the game for four years, which was a lot longer than anyone had expected. One of the great lessons of history is that sometimes a small, determined army can beat a much larger one—like when America defeated England in the Revolution, just over four score years before.

  HELPFUL HINTS

  If you ever get roped into being in one of those Civil War reenactments, try to get to play one of the picnickers. It may be the worst picnic you ever attend, but it’ll beat being in the battle. And you’ll still be “authentic”—probably more so than the battle reenactors, who tend to take so long to get shot that you’d think everyone on both sides had learned to shoot from the stormtroopers in Star Wars.

  THE BATTLE OF BULL RUN

  The first real battle of the Civil War was the Battle of Bull Run, which was not far from Washington, D.C. Most people didn’t think this would be the first battle of the war; they thought it would be the whole war, all by itself. Various well-to-do people from Washington came with picnic baskets in hand, intending to watch the short war while enjoying a sandwich. It turned out to be a pretty crappy picnic.

  Union General Irvin McDowell didn’t quite think his army was ready for a battle, but Lincoln had assured him that the Confederates weren’t really ready, either, and encouraged him to attack them near Manassas, Virginia.

  The battle was a disaster for the Union. Instead of wiping out the rebellion in one quick fight, the Union forces were sent fleeing in disarray. The picnickers raced back to their carriages and immediately created a traffic jam in the scramble to get back into Washington. Northern Virginia traffic hasn’t improved for one minute since.

  THE BATTLE OF SHILOH

  Losing faith in General McDowell, Lincoln gave command of the Union army, the Army of the Potomac, to General George McClellan, who proceeded to sit on his butt for the better part of a year, afraid to do anything with the army. Some said he was just waiting around to run for president in 1864 and wanted to make sure Lincoln looked bad so he’d be easy to beat in an election. This was pretty much true: McClellan would go on to be the Democratic nominee. Lincoln kicked his butt, taking more than 55 percent of the vote and twenty-two out of twenty-five states.

  General McClellan doing what he did best: sitting on his butt.

  Most of the next eight months after the Battle of Bull Run was very quiet. There were minor skirmishes here and there, but no major fighting. Lincoln, who wanted to get the whole thing over with, was furious.

  But the tide began to turn. In February, Union forces under Ulysses S. Grant, who had just been made a general, captured Fort Henry and Fort Donelson, then took control of Nashville, Tennessee. These were the first major Confederate losses of the war.

  In early April of that year, Confederate forces under General Albert Sidney Johnston launched an attack on Grant’s army, with the int
ention of driving them away from the Tennessee River and into the swamp. The resulting battle, the Battle of Shiloh, became the bloodiest America had ever fought. More soldiers died in the two-day battle than had died in all previous American wars combined.

  The night before the battle, as Grant’s men camped out, General P.G.T. Beauregard warned General Johnston that attacking Grant’s army was a bad idea. After all, though the Confederate army was about the same size as Grant’s, they were equipped largely with antique muskets, and they had been acting about as sneaky as a marching band—they’d been test-firing the guns and making all the noises that armies tend to make for three days.

  But it turned out that Grant’s army had no idea that the Confederates were so close, and they were totally surprised to find themselves attacked at six o’clock in the morning. Early on, it looked as though the Confederate attackers might actually defeat the Union troops.

  People who say the war wasn’t about slavery have quotes of their own to throw at us, including the following, which shows up on dozens of Web pages and is repeated by countless history teachers and professors:

  “If I thought this war was to abolish slavery, I would resign my commission and offer my sword to the other side.”–Ulysses S. Grant

  When you see a quote like this—from someone living or dead—on any Web page or book that doesn’t cite its sources (like, say, this one), you should try to find a source for the quote before you go around repeating it. Grant never actually said anything like this; it was attributed to him later by people who made it up to make Grant look bad when he ran for president. The New York Times wrote a whole piece on the myth as early as 1872—see it on www.smartalecksguide.com!

  Union Brigadier General William Tecumseh Sherman frantically tried to rally his troops. In the process, he himself was wounded twice and had three horses shot out from under him.

  Meanwhile, General Johnston—who at the time was thought to be the best general the South had—was shot in the leg and quickly bled to death. Beauregard took over command of the army. By dusk, the Confederates were jubilant, feeling that they’d won the battle. The next morning, they planned to march in and finish Grant’s army off.

  It had been one heck of a rough day, and the night wasn’t pleasant, either, even for the optimistic Confederate army. All night long, people in both camps could hear the screams of soldiers dying in the fields between the two armies. Then, just when many were probably wondering how things could get any worse, a thunderstorm rolled in.

  In the midst of the rain, Sherman walked up to Grant and said, “Well, Grant, we’ve had the devil’s own day, haven’t we?” Grant looked up and casually said “Yes. Yes, we have. Lick ’em tomorrow, though.” We’re a little bit wary (for once) about saying anything smart-alecky about a bloody battle, so if you want a joke about the Union soldiers licking things, you’ll have to make up your own.

  Ulysses S. Grant had a beard that would make Chuck Norris himself weep with envy. Grant hated military music and claimed he only recognized two tunes. When asked which ones, he said, “One is ‘Yankee Doodle.’ The other isn’t.”

  Beauregard, meanwhile, sent a telegram to Jefferson Davis announcing “a complete victory.” He was ignoring warnings that reinforcements were on their way to help the Union.

  The next morning, with reinforcements arriving, the Union had an army of forty-five thousand, with fresh supplies and ammo. The Confederates were down to about thirty thousand and were low on supplies. Beauregard woke up planning to lead an attack but found, to his surprise, that the Union was attacking him.

  At the end of that day, the Union had regained the ground they had been forced to cede the day before, and the Confederate army was in retreat. Neither side had really gained any ground, and there were more than twenty-three thousand casualties. Both sides were horrified at how bloody the battle had been—and neither side realized that there were three more years of similar battles still to come.

  THE EMANCIPATION PROCLAMATION

  In September of 1862, five months after the Battle of Shiloh, the Union attacked General Lee’s army in the Battle of Antietam, a one-day battle that was nearly as bloody as Shiloh. While nobody really won, General Lee had to abandon his plans to invade Maryland, which made it look like a Union victory.

  RATIFYING THE AMENDMENT

  Three-fourths of the states needed to ratify the Thirteenth Amendment to end slavery before it could be added to the Constitution. It became part of the law of the land within a year after being proposed, but some states that rejected it at the time didn’t get around to ratifying it until much later. Kentucky didn’t ratify the amendment until 1976, and Mississippi didn’t get around to it until 1995!

  This “victory” gave the Union a morale boost, and gave Abraham Lincoln the confidence and support he needed to announce the Emancipation Proclamation.

  Prior to the war, when called upon to put an end to slavery, Lincoln had claimed that he didn’t actually have the authority to do so in peacetime—indeed, many argued that it would have been unconstitutional. However, the special powers granted to him in wartime gave him some extra authority, and on September 17, 1862, he issued the famous proclamation. It stated that all slaves in territories that the Union took over from that day on were free and that unless seceding states rejoined the Union within a year, the slaves there would all be declared free. This proclamation didn’t actually end slavery; in fact, it didn’t free any slaves right away. But it was probably the most Lincoln felt he could get away with.

  Regardless of what it didn’t do, the proclamation did accomplish some major objectives. For one thing, it allowed black soldiers to join the Union army, and about two hundred thousand of them did, making the army even more formidable. The Confederacy wouldn’t hit on the idea of letting black soldiers join—or forcing them to—for another couple of years, by which point (spoiler alert) it would be too late.

  FREDERICK DOUGLASS

  Born a slave, Frederick Douglass escaped (which he referred to as “stealing himself”) and became one of the most powerful speakers and writers in American history. He held opinions about equality that were way ahead of their time; even most people who argued against slavery wouldn’t start to argue for social equality between races for decades after slavery ended. Douglass argued not only for racial equality, social and otherwise, but for equal rights for women and everyone else.

  During the Civil War, Douglass helped convince Congress to allow black soldiers to join the army, which turned out to be a very wise move. Afterward, in 1872, he was (probably) the first black vice presidential candidate, having been made the running mate of Victoria Woodhull of the Equal Rights Party, which held the radical notion that people of all races, sexes, religions and backgrounds should be granted equal rights (more on her later).

  Late in his life, Douglass met with Hugh Auld, the man who had owned him when he was a slave, and sort of made peace with him. When Douglass died, he was remembered as one of the greatest speakers and reformers of all time. When Auld died, the only reason anyone cared was that he had once known Frederick Douglass.

  The Emancipation Proclamation also gave the war a higher purpose. Instead of just being a war to preserve the Union, this was now a war to end slavery. This absolutely killed the Confederacy’s chances of getting the official recognition and reinforcements from Europe that it badly wanted. The European countries, most of which had outlawed slavery long before, weren’t about to side with the slaveholding states.

  Perhaps most importantly, the Emancipation Proclamation put events in motion that led, two years later, to the introduction of the Thirteenth Amendment, which officially put an end to slavery, though Lincoln (another spoiler alert) wouldn’t live long enough to see it ratified. That happened in December 1865, several months after Lincoln’s death. It was the first amendment to be added to the Constitution in more than sixty years.

  Stonewall Jackson: Unlike Grant’s well-groomed beard, Jackson’s was of the sort that woul
d make him a real red flag for airport security nowadays.

  GENERALS LEE AND JACKSON

  One thing most historians do agree on is that the war would have probably been a whole lot shorter if General Lee hadn’t been fighting for the Confederacy. Nowhere is this more evident than in the South’s victory at the battle of Chancellorsville, Virginia, in early May of 1863. Lee and his right-hand man, General Thomas “Stonewall” Jackson, had a force of 60,000 fighting against an incredible 133,000 Union troops. The Union had a better army, better weapons, and a better battle plan in place. It was only through Lee and Jackson’s leadership that the Confederacy was able to win the battle.

  Stonewall Jackson was at this time the most famous and admired soldier in the Confederacy, having led his army through some rough patches and having earned the respect of his soldiers, who happily did almost inhuman amounts of marching under his orders. He was also known to be sort of a weirdo. He supposedly believed that his right arm was longer than his left (which ended up being amputated, and buried about a week before the rest of him was), and used to ride with it raised in the air to improve circulation. He was also said to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, sometimes with food in his mouth, or while he was on his horse, and he was known to lead his men in circles on occasion. As much as the soldiers and public loved him, most of the other generals thought he was crazy. He was so paranoid that he wouldn’t reveal his strategies to anyone, even other generals, and had a reputation for refusing to follow orders. His greatest victory had been at the Battle of Harpers Ferry, where he won because he listened to Lee, for once. But people loved the guy.