The Smart Aleck's Guide to American History

by Adam Selzer

  BEATLEMANIA68

  The Beatles formed in Liverpool and became famous in England in 1962, but wouldn’t really take America by storm until February 1964. Their appearance on The Ed Sullivan Show was one of the most-watched television shows in history, and years later, practically everyone who was a kid in 1964 had memories of listening to their father complain about how long the Beatles’ hair was.

  The success of the Beatles was due to a mix of talent and timing. They were excellent musicians, and their songs, coming in the wake of the folk craze and endless variations on “The Twist,” sounded almost unimaginably fresh by the standards of the day (and still do now, compared to most of what passes for popular music). Still, that alone doesn’t account for just how big they became. Another factor was timing: they hit America only weeks after (spoiler alert) the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The nation was in need of cheering up.

  A public domain image of the Beatles as they appeared from the upper deck at their 1965 concert at Shea Stadium. It was our use of this shot that led the International Textbook Advisory Board to ask, “Have you no decency? Have you at long last no sense of decency at all?” We have plenty of decency, but not much shame!

  Also, unlike many pop groups these days, the Beatles played their own instruments and wrote most of their own songs, which allowed them to grow artistically. Though Bob Dylan made it possible for rock music to be experimental, even artistically relevant, it was the Beatles who popularized this idea; their own music got more psychedelic and rock-influenced over the course of the 1960s.

  It’s partly because of the Beatles that people—even, for once, people who weren’t there—tend to regard the 1960s as a golden age of popular music. It’s true that pop music was reaching new heights in those days, but remember, oldies and classic-rock radio stations nowadays only play the real cream of the crop. If you look at a list of the top ten songs from any given week in the 1960s, even the biggest rock fan on the block will probably only recognize a couple of them. The rest of the list will be full of terrible pop songs that have long since been forgotten and swept away into history, leaving us with the small percentage of songs that stood the test of time.

  STUFF BILLY JOEL MISSED: MOTOWN

  No discussion of music in the 1960s could possibly be complete without mentioning the influence of black music on the styles that became popular in the twentieth century. When rock ’n’ roll became popular, many parents were terrified—partly because it was “black” music, at least in origin. Many of the songs that became hits were originally sung or written by black artists, and only became popular after being recorded by white performers.

  But by the 1960s, things were beginning to change, and artists recording for Motown Records racked up a combined total of over a hundred top ten hits between 1961 and 1971. Unlike much of the popular music from the 1960s (or any other era), the music recorded by such artists as the Temptations, the Supremes, Stevie Wonder (then known as Little Stevie Wonder), the Four Tops, the Marvellettes, Marvin Gaye, and others is still very popular today, and the distinct Motown sound combining pop, soul, and blues is instantly recognizable.

  Berry Gordy Jr., the head of Motown Records, was highly involved in his artists’ images, dictating the way they would dress, perform, and behave in public. He instructed them to act like royalty to help combat the still-present stereotype that African Americans were, by nature, lower-class. This professionalism certainly helped many Motown performers gain white audiences around the world—though other labels had equal success (and have had similar success since) advertising their artists as uncivilized, violent, and ignorant (whether they actually were any of these things or not). Most Motown songs were (supposedly at Gordy’s insistence) not political, but several with political messages, such as “War,” recorded by Edwin Starr, and “What’s Going On,” by Marvin Gaye, became big hits.

  We won’t go into too much about the Beatles here. If you want to learn more, your local bookstore probably has almost as many books about them as it does about Bob Dylan, and odds are very good that some cable channel is showing a documentary about them right this very minute.

  BERLIN

  After World War II, many of the European countries that had been liberated from the Nazis had fallen under control of the Soviet bloc, effectively going from one totalitarian rule to another. Countries under Communist control were referred to as being behind what Churchill called the Iron Curtain that would divide Europe for decades.

  After World War II, Germany had been divided into two separate countries: East Germany, which was Communist, and West Germany, which was not. Right in the middle of this was the city of Berlin. In 1961, a wall was constructed to separate the two countries and keep East Berliners from leaving the country. People trying to flee were often shot; about two hundred people were killed trying to escape over the years. Most West Germans were free to come and go, but they were always afraid that East Germany was going to invade them at some point, and many had friends and family members stuck in East Germany who were unable to leave.

  Kennedy at the Berlin Wall. He’s in there somewhere, anyway.

  In 1963, President Kennedy visited West Berlin, and thousands of people came to see him give a speech in the shadow of the Berlin Wall. The speech was one of Kennedy’s best; it was a huge morale boost for West Berlin when he said, “Today, in the world of freedom, the proudest boast is ‘Ich bin ein Berliner’ [I am from Berlin] … and therefore, as a free man, I take pride in the words ‘Ich bin ein Berliner!’”

  According to a legend that many teachers repeat as fact, by saying “Ich bin ein Berliner,” not simply “Ich bin Berliner,” what Kennedy actually said was not “I am a Berliner” but “I am a jelly donut.” This isn’t exactly true; a Berliner was a type of jelly donut, but adding that “ein” was perfectly acceptable, and no one present thought that Kennedy was referring to himself as a pastry. The type of donut called a Berliner elsewhere was actually known as a Pfannkuchen in Berlin.

  President Kennedy (showing us his good side) meeting with advisors, who, apparently quite calmly, are telling him to end the world.

  The BAY OF PIGS INVASION (JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT WAS SAFE TO THROW AWAY THOSE “LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS” POSTERS …)

  Though his way of inspiring optimism in places as downtrodden as West Berlin made him a well-loved president, Kennedy had his share of screw-ups. Chief among these may have been the Bay of Pigs invasion.

  Before Kennedy was even president, the government had the idea to use anti-Communist agents in Cuba to overthrow Fidel Castro, the ruler of Cuba. In April of 1961, Kennedy authorized an invasion of Cuba to remove him from power.

  However, due to a lot of talk about the invasion around Miami, the Cubans knew the invasion was coming, and were prepared for it. Many invaders were killed or wounded, and others were captured and sentenced by the Cuban government to terms in prison, though they were eventually released in exchange for fifty-three million dollars’ worth of food and medicine.

  The Bay of Pigs invasion not only failed to overthrow Castro, it made Castro begin to fear future U.S.—led invasions. Because of this, he made a deal to obtain nuclear warheads from the USSR, leading to the Cuban Missile Crisis, which may have been the closest the world ever came to starting World War III.

  OLE MISS

  Early in his term as president, Kennedy tried to distance himself from the civil rights movement, fearing that he’d further alienate the many Southern Democrats in Congress who’d hated his guts from day one. These same guys had been keeping the civil rights movement down for decades. But Kennedy ended up taking the strongest stance on civil rights of any president in decades. He felt that circumstances required him to do so.

  George Wallace blocking the doors at the University of Alabama. He’s the frowning, unpleasant-looking one in the doorway. He later had a change of heart about civil rights and spent the rest of his life apologizing.

  Though racial segregation had been declared illeg
al years before, actually integrating schools, bus lines, and other public institutions took some time, and was still a major hot-button issue in the early 1960s. When a black student named James Meredith tried to enroll at the University of Mississippi in 1962, President Kennedy had to send in federal troops and U.S. marshals to help him get in the front door. Most of the students, according to firsthand accounts, were actually okay with Meredith’s being there, but those who weren’t gave him no end of trouble.

  Certainly, the time for a president to step up on the issue was long overdue. In 1963, when two black students tried to enroll in the University of Alabama, Governor George Wallace himself blocked the door to keep them from getting in, only stepping down when federal troops forced him to. That evening, Kennedy gave an address supporting civil rights that was broadcast on television and the radio, even though his advisors told him that the address was political suicide. The speech led to the Civil Rights Act of 1964, which Kennedy, alas, would not live to sign.

  FROM BILLY JOEL’S “LENINGRAD”: THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS

  In October 1962, U.S. spy planes photographed missile silos being built in Cuba. This, of course, really freaked Americans out—all Americans had to comfort themselves about the fear of nuclear war was the knowledge that launching a missile from one continent to the other was no easy task, even for a rocket scientist. However, if the Soviets could launch nuclear missiles from a site provided by their friends in Cuba, they would have a much easier time hitting American cities.

  Kennedy quickly set up a naval blockade to prevent any ships from carrying military equipment into Cuba. The joint chiefs of staff advising Kennedy, however, insisted that this would never be enough. They told the president that the only thing he could do was launch a full-scale invasion of Cuba—or at the very least drop a few big bombs on Cuba to show that we were serious.

  Kennedy thought these were both bad ideas. He knew full well that the USSR would never let an invasion go unpunished. If they couldn’t respond by launching missiles at Americans, they would probably attack West Berlin instead, and then America would have to get involved by fighting on West Berlin’s side. One way or another, he knew, an attack on Cuba would lead to World War III.

  But the Soviets showed no sign of backing down, and Kennedy secretly began to prepare for war. The military prepared not only an invasion of Cuba but also a plan for a nuclear assault on the USSR, in the event that they invaded West Berlin. Nuclear war seemed to be hours away. Kennedy, however, urged the joint chiefs to wait as long as possible before launching the invasion, giving him more time to negotiate.

  After some very, very tense dealing, Kennedy sent a secret message to the Soviets, offering a deal. If the missiles were torn down, he said, the United States would assure the USSR that they wouldn’t invade Cuba. No one really expected it to work, and the joint chiefs continued to assume that nuclear war would start within hours—possibly by the next morning.

  Eventually, a secret deal was reached: if the United States would tear down the missiles they had set up in Turkey, which gave them a shot at hitting Moscow if they felt like it, the Soviets would tear down their missiles in Cuba and turn their ships around. The crisis was averted.

  At the time, no one knew that the United States had agreed to take its missiles out of Turkey, so it looked as though Kennedy had emerged the victor in a big embarrassment for the Soviets.

  U.S. military commanders, though, were still ticked off. One even called it the greatest defeat in American history, and insisted that the invasion of Cuba should still begin at once.

  Nearly thirty years later, it became clear that the Soviets hadn’t just been building missiles in Cuba; they’d already had a handful over there that were operational. It seems pretty likely that if Kennedy had authorized the invasion, as the joint chiefs angrily begged him to, those missiles would have been fired right at the United States, leading to a full-scale nuclear war and all the devastation that would come with it. It was only Kennedy’s sneaky negotiating that kept it from happening.

  OTHER STUFF FOR YOUR “WE DIDN’T START THE FIRE” CHEAT SHEET

  JOHN GLENN (ABOVE): An astronaut who became the first American to orbit the Earth in 1962. He later became a senator and an unsuccessful presidential candidate. He returned to space in 1998 at age seventy-seven, becoming the oldest person ever to go there.

  LISTON BEATS PATTERSON: More boxing.

  POPE PAUL: Pope Paul VI became Pope in 1963.

  MALCOLM X: A guy so controversial we’re afraid to say much about him even now, though we recommend that you read his autobiography and make up your own mind.

  BRITISH POLITICIAN SEX: The British secretary of war was caught having an affair with a showgirl and tried to lie about it before admitting the truth and resigning in 1963.

  BIRTH CONTROL: Birth control pills became available in the mid-1960s.

  JFK, BLOWN AWAY (WAY TO PUT IT DELICATELY, MR. JOEL!)

  Here’s another one that’ll probably get us more than a few letters… .

  In November of 1963, while gearing up for his reelection, President John F. Kennedy, who had been the target of a number of assassination attempts and had, like any self-respecting president, more enemies than Batman, took a trip to Dallas. While riding in a car in a motorcade, he was shot and killed. His vice president, Lyndon B. Johnson, was immediately sworn in as president.

  The Dallas police quickly arrested Lee Harvey Oswald, who, they said, had shot Kennedy from an upper window of a book depository. Oswald wouldn’t live to see his trial, though, as he was shot to death two days later by a nightclub owner named Jack Ruby.

  Numerous conspiracy theories about Kennedy’s assassination have been going around ever since. Some people argue that there must have been a second shooter hiding in the bushes. Some say that the Mafia was behind it. Others say it was the CIA. Very few groups haven’t been accused of being behind the assassination at one time or another.

  One of the “backyard pictures” of Lee Harvey Oswald that Life magazine retouched for publication. All the work they did to make it clear enough to publish made it look rather fake, fueling the fire of conspiracy theories for decades to come.

  The Warren Commission, appointed by President Johnson and led by Chief Justice Earl Warren, conducted a ten-month investigation of the assassination beginning a week later. The commission concluded that Oswald had been guilty, and that he had acted alone. In the 1970s, though, the House Select Committee on Assassinations determined that he might have been working for some bigger organization.

  LBJ—with his clothes on, thank goodness.

  There are, of course, plenty of questions: for one thing, what was Kennedy thinking riding around in a convertible with the top down? And, for another, on the day he was shot, Oswald had a whole crew of bodyguards behind him—but why didn’t he have any in front of him?

  We don’t know. We’re too busy trying to figure out that thing about Elvis’s tombstone.

  So, Billy Joel asks at this point in the song, “What else do I have to say?”

  Plenty, of course. There’s a whole long verse left to go, but he didn’t have anything at all to say about …

  … LYNDON B. JOHNSON: OUR REALLY FORGOTTEN PRESIDENT

  We’ve had our fair share of forgotten presidents over the years, as you’ve seen, but no one, it seems, has been forgotten quite so quickly and thoroughly as ol’ LBJ. Ask your parents or grandparents who was president between Kennedy and Nixon, and odds are pretty good that they’ll have to think about it for a minute.

  EXPERIMENTS TO TRY AT HOME!

  Go up to someone on the street and ask them who was president after Kennedy. You’ll be surprised by just how many people, including people who were alive and voting in 1964, will have to think long and hard about it, even if you give them a bunch of clues. The main thing people seem to remember about him is that his wife was called Lady Bird. They might remember that some president used to hold meetings while he dropped anchor in the White H
ouse bathroom, but may or may not remember which president it was. We’ve tried this experiment all over the country, and only about one in ten could answer the question without at least a few hints.

  So now that you’ve read this chapter, you’re better informed that nine out of ten people on the street. Feel free to start acting like an elitist.

  LBJ, a grouchy conservative, was taken on as the more liberal Kennedy’s running mate, despite the fact that it seemed like no one could really stand him. He balanced the ticket out and made Kennedy more attractive to Southern voters; the Texan Johnson’s presence on the ticket probably won Kennedy the election.

  Johnson, a Texas millionaire, was sworn in as president after the Kennedy assassination. Johnson had some good moments, such as signing the Civil Rights Act of 1964, but today he’s remembered mainly for being crude and unpleasant. When Johnson had to take a dump in the middle of a conversation with his cabinet, he’d just move the meeting into the bathroom and keep on chattering while he did his business. He also used to skinny-dip in the White House pool—and make fun of anyone who didn’t join him.

  The Civil Rights Act of 1964 was the most sweeping civil rights legislation of its day, and included women’s rights as part of its reforms. Ironically, the section on women’s rights was added by a senator from Virginia who opposed the whole thing and was said to be sure that if he stuck something about womens’ rights into it, it would never pass. The bill passed anyway, though, much to the chagrin of a certain wiener from Virginia.

  Walter Cronkite, who was probably the most respected news anchor of the day, announced on television that he thought the Vietnam war was unwinnable and that the most anyone could hope for was a stalemate. President Johnson is said to have stated that if he’d lost Walter Cronkite, he’d lost the American people. Ever since then, news footage of military operations has been pretty well restricted so that people don’t have to see that there’s more to war than waving flags and being proud.