Our Song

by Savannah Kade

  “Thank you.” She slipped silently into her own long coat, grabbing the basket and another bag, and ushering the kids out the door. With only a few mild fumbles, he managed to get the door locked behind him, and they traipsed down the dark sidewalk through pools of yellow light, following the rhythmic click of Kelsey’s heels.

  She let them in the front door, turning on lights as she went from room to room, and sending the kids off to get ready for bed. JD lingered, helping orchestrate the brushing of teeth, and getting all three kids into big ‘Wilder’ t-shirts. Kelsey kissed them all, then went out to the kitchen to find room in her fridge for everything she had brought, finally finding space for each container and putting two pans into her own sink to soak.

  She leaned against her hands, facing the window over the sink, and he wasn’t sure if she saw him as clearly in the reflection as he saw her.

  Her voice came to him on a soft sigh, much like the ones he’d imagined. “You should stay.”

  Stay.

  It set up a ricochet in his chest, and he took a step toward her, his breath catching inside him before she finished.

  “The office bed is open. I am not working tonight.”

  She turned to face him, seemingly not having noticed his blunder. “You don’t look like you’ll make it back. Like I’d find you curled up on the sidewalk in the morning. I’ll get you an alarm clock.”

  He nodded, following her down the hall to the office and turning back the sheets that she’d left on for him. Shrugging out of his shirt and jeans, he crawled under the covers.

  Maybe ten minutes later she came down the hall, padding on bare feet, and making his eyes really open for the first time since dinner had settled. Ready for bed, she was in an oversize shirt that hid all of her but for her well-toned arms and legs. Her hair was brushed down from the vamp look of earlier that evening. Her face was scrubbed of all make-up, and JD was grateful for the privilege that he was allowed to see her like this.

  She handed him an alarm clock and wished him good-night before turning and walking down to her own room in the glow of the hall light.

  Chapter 27

  “Hey there, stranger.” Her voice was soft in his ear, and he leaned back against the built-in sofa on the bus. TJ and Craig were out, milking what they could out of the few hours they had before the bus pulled out. Alex, who was now a lovesick fool, had gone into his own room, presumably to call Bridget as he did every night. JD held his cell phone, making his own nightly call, and didn’t miss the comparison.

  If he closed his eyes he could imagine she was right beside him, and not bouncing a signal off of satellites and mountain tops between them. “I miss you.”

  “We miss you, too.”

  He said it every time, waiting for when she would respond that she, herself, missed him. But it wasn’t tonight. “Why are we whispering?”

  “Andie’s in bed with me.” He heard a soft rustle in the background that could only be the slide of the butter yellow sheets he knew she had on the bed.

  “How’s she been?” The conversations were often inane, but almost more comforting that way.

  “She’s been a hellion.”

  “What?” His eyes opened and he leaned forward. “Is she back sliding?”

  “No.” A soft laugh came through the line and filtered down into his chest, releasing the knot of tension that had formed. “She’s a child, she has bad days. She threw a temper tantrum and we had to leave the grocery store.”

  “Oh, Kelse, I’m so sorry. I don’t want to make extra work for you.” He couldn’t do this at the expense of Kelsey. He couldn’t do anything at the expense of Kelsey.

  “It’s not a big deal. She came and crawled into bed with me a while ago and apologized for her behavior.”

  “She did!?”

  “Yeah. Your little girl’s growing up.”

  And he wasn’t there to see it. He sighed. “You are the reason I’ve been able to do this, knowing that Andie is with someone she loves. Thank you.”

  “Stop thanking me. It’s good for Daniel to see her throw a tantrum every once in a while, and to see that no one blows up at her, and that we all love her anyway.”

  JD cringed, not for the first time wondering how such an intelligent woman could have married a man with Andrew’s problems. Maybe he hadn’t had them then. Maybe he’d hid them. One day JD would ask.

  Just then, the bus door opened and Craig came up the stairs with an open beer in his hand, “Hey, Cowboy, talking to your girlfriend?”

  JD opened his mouth to protest, even as TJ followed Craig up the stairs, looking a little too sotted to make his own remark. But Kelsey beat them both to it. “Tell the guys I say ‘Hi’. I’m going to go before I wake up Andie.”

  “’Night.”

  “Night.” She hung up while the words I love you tumbled off the edge of his brain. He didn’t say them. He hadn’t said them before, and he wouldn’t now.

  He managed to call earlier the next night and talk to each of the kids. Then he kept Kelsey on the phone for another hour while the bus rumbled underneath him. When he hung up, he told himself he was going to give Kelsey whatever she needed—time, money, space to grow her photography business. It was only what she’d given him. He played with a little extra care for the rest of the tour, now that it wasn’t about him.

  They were home for seven days in the middle of the month. He spent all of them at Kelsey’s. They decided it was easier than moving Andie back and forth, and he simply got out of her office early in the mornings. He was at the studio during the day, but he worked the schedule, with the help of the others, so that he could be available to walk to get Andie and Daniel after school. He took Allie several days so Kelsey could do what she needed, finally feeling like he was starting to pay her back.

  They settled into an easy rhythm right away, with both of them rising early and getting ready, before getting the kids up and out the door. Kelsey’s nose would be red every morning by the time they got back to her place, but she would still go straight to the fridge and pop open a can of coke. “I thought I smelled snow this morning.”

  He shrugged, “It hasn’t done more than a light dusting the whole time I’ve been here. But we need to get going, I don’t want to have shopping left to do while I’m on tour.”

  “Let me get my list.”

  He waited. As a man, he, of course, had no such list. At least he had some money. They had all been getting regular paychecks from the label for a month or so, and that was his Christmas fund. He was still playing his stocks online, although he hadn’t been able to devote as much time to it as he would have liked. But he also wasn’t at home spending money a lot of the time.

  She appeared at the door to the hallway, her jacket back on, her hair pulled up in a fuzzy, ear-covering headband. In her gloved fingers, she clutched her precious list. “You’ve never done this before.”

  He frowned. “I’ve Christmas shopped before.”

  “Not for your own child.”

  “Of course not. I’ve never had my own child before. But I’ve shopped for kids before.” He led her out the front door, waiting while she operated the lock with the smooth movements of a woman used to the cold.

  She trailed him to his car, skipping along like Allie. “I’ll try to keep you out of trouble.”

  He almost laughed at her. The way she was bouncing it would likely be Kelsey who needed to be kept out of trouble. “I don’t think that’s a problem, I don’t even like Christmas shopping.”

  They shivered until the heat kicked in, and he gave her the low-down on his poor Christmas beliefs all the way to the mall.

  Kelsey gave him a half-smile. “All the more reason for you to get into this.”

  JD agreed. He wanted Andie to know he had chosen her gifts with care, and that they would be things she wanted. She was already likely to get something terrible from her grandmother.

  They pulled up in front of the mall, which the parking lot showed to be way too full for his tas
tes. But it was only going to get worse, so he didn’t protest, just climbed out into the frigid air and went around to get Kelsey’s door.

  Three hours later they left. He had done more shopping than he had ever done in a mall in all his years combined. He cursed Kelsey for being right. He’d gotten caught up, and Kelsey had matched him purchase for purchase.

  It didn’t escape JD’s notice that they had each bought for all three kids, indiscriminately. They would be celebrating Christmas together, with both Craig and TJ coming over, since Craig had no affection for his own family, and TJ didn’t care to join their parents in Switzerland.

  That meant that Kelsey had to buy fabric, as she insisted on making a matching set of stockings for all seven of them. If he wasn’t so enthralled by her, he would have left her there. The fabric store was insane—it made the mall look like a ghost town. And this crowd was all old ladies, ooh-ing and ahhh-ing over each other’s hideous choices of sparkly and patterned fabrics to sew their own Christmas clothes.

  Kelsey wound her way through bolts of cloth and scary women, and JD attempted to follow. When he was asked to make a decision about which fabric he liked better for the top of the stockings, he refused. He made a different decision instead.

  If he was going to get taken to the mall and dragged through the fabric store at Christmastime, he ought to be getting laid by the woman doing the dragging. He didn’t want anyone else anyway, and he’d certainly had his pick of willing women recently.

  Everything else was in place, they were living in the same house right now. Just for a few days, but that was plenty of time. They’d celebrate Christmas together. The kids were so entangled, with him being gone all the time, they probably already thought they were brother and sisters. His joining Kelsey in her bed would be only one small additional step.

  Okay, it wouldn’t be small at all.

  If it were that small, it would have already happened. But he was getting tired of getting pestered by the guys. He was tired of watching her walk away in those jeans that hugged her ass. And he was tired of sleeping in a different bed, and keeping his thoughts in his head.

  He reached out and took the fabric out of her hands, “It’s perfect.” He ignored her surprised expression, and laced his fingers through hers, dragging her out of the back corner. As much as he wanted to, he wasn’t about to kiss her here, or pull her down amidst the red and green velvets in a crowded fabric store. “Let’s go check out.”

  She tugged the other way, “We have to get it cut first. The cutting line is over there.”

  “We have to wait in line before we can wait in the other line?”

  She nodded, and he held on tight to her hand. He finally released her when he opened the car door for her and her purchases. But she didn’t seem to think anything of it. They drove back to Kelsey’s place in relative silence except for the grumbling of her stomach, and they made grilled sandwiches to eat on the walk over to get the kids. They picked up Allie first, and between the food and the children she didn’t have a hand to hold.

  He felt like he was in junior high all over again. Except his fantasies about what he would do when he did get the girl had been decidedly tamer back then. The kids overwhelmed the afternoons and made dinner into an all evening event. There wasn’t much opportunity for him to steal a kiss when he could get her take on it, rather than have commentary by the kids. And that evening, when they were watching TV after the kids had gone to bed, he chickened out.

  It was just him and her. No buffer. He sat there, next to her on the couch, unable to follow the program because of his wandering brain. If she didn’t want him, then how would he pass it off? If he acted casual, like he was just trying to get laid, that would upset their friendship as much as telling her he was crazy in love with her, if she didn’t return his feelings.

  What a mess. His fingers plowed through his hair and he stood, “I’m going to bed. See you in the morning.”

  He wandered down the hall, back to his old friend the futon. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, wishing he could simply brush out his brain and be done with it. But he couldn’t, so he peeled his shirt over his head, and tossed it in the laundry, and purposefully added some arrogance to his thoughts. She should get used to seeing me half naked. She should get used to seeing me all naked.

  With that he managed to talk himself into a straight-backed stride down the length of the hall, except she was watching the TV, not him. A little of the air left him. He’d have to try again tomorrow.

  The next morning, he let Kelsey sleep in while he gathered the kids around to do laundry. Telling them it was a game and the winner got two scoops of ice cream, he managed to create a bevy of excited, if not overly helpful, workers. They sorted colors and darks and lights and argued a bit.

  At eleven, she wandered out in her big t-shirt and a yawn, and asked what time it was. Her eyes bugged and she hugged him, thanking him—with only her t-shirt and his jeans between them. But she didn’t seem to notice. She was simply too happy about sleeping in.

  Then again, the woman wasn’t stupid. She was walking around her house, with a red-blooded American male within scenting distance, wearing only a large shirt, and assumedly some panties. She had to know what she was doing to him.

  He chickened out again that day.

  He even went to church with the kids and her the next morning. Andie wanted to go, which he figured made it a far better church than any he had ever been to. Older people patted the kids on the head, and the kids seemed to like it. Andie spotted someone she knew, and ran off to talk. Feeling utterly out of place, JD slipped his own fingers through Kelsey’s again. Again, she didn’t seem to notice.

  Maybe she thought he was gay.

  He’d been trying to think up every way that she could possibly think it was all right to walk around the house in that night shirt, every way she might imagine that she wasn’t turning him on. His mind wandered and, pulled by her hand, he simply trailed along, a leaf on the surface of a stream. When chimes sounded, the stream changed direction and pulled him into the church itself, an old wooden structure with stained glass and worn but loved pews.

  The kids sent Kelsey, then him, down the row before piling in, taking the last spots on the aisle. Two hymns in, he found out why. There was a children’s benediction, and his daughter, the hellion he hadn’t been able to take to Target six months ago, was sitting pristinely and listening intently. Stephanie must have raised her well to start with. Certainly Kelsey had helped. He liked to believe he’d had a hand in it too, but he wasn’t certain.

  Several people approached after the service and asked Kelsey if he was her husband. Each time he waited to hear what she would say. Each time he held tightly to her hand, defying her to introduce him as ‘just a friend’. Each time she responded with, “Oh, we’re not married.” But she didn’t elaborate. To their credit, no one got up in arms about her bringing a man and his child to the church when she wasn’t married to him. Of course, there was no reason for anyone to get up in arms. It wasn’t like they were sleeping together. Yet.

  Afterward, they stopped at the store and all piled out. The kids seemed to really enjoy each getting fifty cents and going to the bakery, where apparently they were recognized, and each picking out a few day-old rolls or such to feed the ducks. The baker helped them decide, then all piled back into the car. Each child clutching a bakery bag as they headed off to the duck pond.

  Even the damned ducks recognized the kids.

  As glad as he was to see Andie happy and on schedule, he felt heavy that his small daughter had a whole life he was unaware of. His only consolation was that he’d left Kelsey in charge of that life, and she was apparently doing a better job than he ever had.

  They changed into play clothes after they got home and he played t-ball in the front yard. JD decided they should play at the duck pond next time, but he didn’t say it. He wouldn’t be here the next time. He’d be on the road again—starting at seven-thirty tomorrow morning.


  That evening he chickened out again.

  JD hauled himself out of bed at five a.m. His chest ached, and his head hurt. His brain protested by shutting down. The urge to crawl back under the hot covers was strong, but he fought it. He wanted to help get the kids ready for school, both to see them before he left, and to help ease the load on Kelsey, one last small time before he hit the road.

  Straining against the need for more sleep, he pushed himself into the shower. Still, he got himself shaved and dressed and out the door. He walked to his condo, the cold air biting at him and waking him far better than he ever could have himself. Quickly, he re-packed the things he had taken to Kelsey’s. He grabbed spare cables, extra picks, and blank pages of sheet music. He set his three guitars by the back door, not daring to leave them in the car even while he was getting the kids ready for school. Then he headed back.

  He unlocked the front door to find the lights on and sleepy children brushing their teeth. Kelsey was making shuffling noises behind her bedroom door, presumably getting dressed. With little thought, he set about getting out cereal. He made sandwiches and bagged baby carrots. The kids emerged as he was lining up lunch bags with backpacks.

  He talked to them while they ate, helped get them into their clothes, and generally enjoyed being around them and Kelsey for these few last minutes. Breakfast was special because it wasn’t going to happen again soon.

  He had to leave just before they did. So he grabbed each of the kids, giving them a big hug, an ‘I’ll miss you,’ and a kiss. Without stopping to let his brain think it through and ruin it, he did the same to Kelsey.

  It was just a touching of lips, no passion, no soft sighs or seeking tongues. But in that moment he lost his innocence. He now knew how his knees would threaten to give way. He knew that his fingers would clench at her of their own accord. He knew the feeling of the oxygen pooling in the bottom of his lungs, and what it felt like to breathe her in. That one tiny touch would rob him of breath for days to come.