Scarlett's Will

by Nicole Marie Jardine

“You met Mike last night, after I broke up with Johnny, we ran into Mike and Brett. We came back here and so, um here we are,” she said laughing. I had no idea what time it was but I could tell she was completely messed up on something.

  “Um, so where’s Brett?” I dared to ask.

  “Last time I saw him he was in you,” she said, bursting out laughing. I didn't see the humor in this. I prayed she was lying.

  “I can’t remember a thing,” I mumbled as I rubbed my forehead. Mike sat up and reached for my hand, pulling me onto the bed with them. He lights what I think is a joint and offers it to me. I take it and quickly feel the room spin. This is not normal.

  After a few nights at Mike’s place Cas tells me she needs to leave him. “There’s something not right about that guy. He makes me nervous,” she told me once we had packed up and walked out.

  “I’m happy to go to Cas, I didn’t feel comfortable there either,” I said. I didn't like the way he would stare at me, but I didn't tell her that. We hopped onto the subway and made our way downtown. I zipped up my leather jacket and tied my docs when all of a sudden Cas started laughing.

  “What is so funny? You do realize that we are homeless now don't you?” I questioned her.

  “Yeah I know, but I have a great idea. You should dye your hair black and I think I want to be a redhead,” she said, like it was our biggest problem right now. I began to smile, then laughed, a loud crazy cathartic laugh. People began to move away from us as Cas joined me in my uncontrollable fit of laughter.

  Once we stepped off the subway Cas led me into a drug store. She stole some money from Mike before we left. I watch her as she buys the hair dye and some cigarettes. I light one as she tells me she knows where we should go to do it.

  “The bus station?” I raise my eyebrows at her. “Are we going somewhere?” I asked, confused.

  “No silly, there are sinks and hand dryers in the bathroom. It’s the perfect place to dye our hair,” she said. I’m not sure why she is fixed on changing our looks but I decide to go with it. It’s a new year, why not a new look.

  We must have appeared insane, coloring each other's hair in the public bathroom, then sitting in the station, waiting for the dye to set. Cas had piled all my hair on the top of my head. I just prayed it would be midnight black without any traces of green. I've heard horror stories of trying to change your hair color after going bleach blonde. She had picked a deep dark red for herself.

  “That color is going to look amazing on you Cas,” I told her. She smiled at me, like she really needed to hear it. We continued the charade, of being just a couple of girls coloring their hair, joking and laughing together. In the backs of our minds we both knew we had to find somewhere to sleep that night.

  I laughed as people tried to avoid us when we began rinsing in the tiny sinks. I caught sight of the security guard a few times watching us, but he didn’t say anything. It took us about half an hour to dry it, going out into the cold with wet hair would not be good. We had to keep hitting the dryer button which made the process take even longer. Time didn’t matter though, we had nowhere to go anyway. Once my hair finally felt dry I combed it out. I now have long, straight midnight black hair. I liked it actually.

  “Black heart black hair,” I said to my reflection in the mirror.

  “Scar, that’s not true. You loved Buddy remember and you love me,” she said as she combed her red hair. I applied my red lipstick and put on my black leather jacket. I did love Buddy, I still love him. I try to block out the memory of his serious, deep beautiful eyes searching mine. Why couldn’t he find what he was looking for in them? Because I’m vacant. I wanted nothing more than to love him, but what have I done. I have pushed him as far away from me as possible. I have given away what should have been his. ‘Black heart black hair,’ I mumbled as I wiped away my tears.

  “I need a drink,” I sighed, as we linked arms and walked out of the bus station together.

  “There’s a shelter downtown, I saw a poster up in the station. I guess it couldn’t hurt for a few days. At least we’re free of men Scar,” she said with a laugh.

  I didn’t expect there to be so many people inside or for it to smell so bad. Body odor mixed with a hint of urine seemed to filter throughout the room. It was cold outside so I guess no one wanted to remain outside tonight. I had to step over bodies to get to the bathroom. That night was one of the hardest I have had since I left home. Because we were new we had to sleep on the floor. There was a long waiting list for beds. Thankfully we were given a blanket each.

  I tried to sleep but the later it became the more awake I grew. All around me people seemed to be making noises. Some were arguing, some were crying, some were moaning and I didn’t want to know why. I think I even heard a strange voice whispering my name. I was too afraid to sleep. I reached into my backpack and pulled out my journal. In the streetlight shining through the windows I searched for Buddy’s address. Tracing my finger over the page, I remembered the night I wrote it there. Buddy had just asked me to go home with him. I smiled as he told me his address. I wrote it out in the car as I tried to memorize it, just in case the border patrol asked. I had been so nervous. I thought I would be detained until my parents arrived. I was so relieved when he let us pass. I had wanted to hug Buddy then but I restrained myself. Why did I restrain myself from him so much?

  All I wanted to do was hop on a bus to Buffalo. I looked over at Cas, who appeared to be sleeping and realized I couldn’t leave her here alone. I couldn’t bring her to Buddy’s with me either. I wouldn’t expect him to take us both in. We can’t even afford to feed ourselves. I know Buddy would have though. There was a time when I think he would’ve done anything I asked but that time has gone, I reminded myself. I have nothing left to offer him.

  I cried as I clutched the journal to my chest. The idea of Buddy turning me away was worse than any nightmare I could ever have. What made me think he would take me back now. I’m a shell of my former self, I’ve lost about fifteen pounds and I was pretty tiny to begin with. I’m shaking because I haven’t had enough to drink today. I’ve picked cigarette butts up off the ground to get my nicotine fix. I’ve given my body away. That alone would make Buddy slam the door in my face. He had held me so close and kissed me so deeply but he never tried to take more than he thought I could give, yet in the last seven months I’ve given it all away for nothing. I have to hold on to his love, at least in my mind and in my heart. I cannot risk the chance of hearing him refuse me. That was my resolve for not running to him, as much as I wanted too. I was ashamed of myself and I didn’t want Buddy to see me like this.

  The next morning, Cas and I sat outside, having a smoke when we met a girl named Lily. “I like your stockings,” I told her as she walked by us. I caught her eye and she quickly turned and sat down beside me. “Thanks,” she said with a big bright smile. She had pale white almost porcelain skin with dark eyes. She wore a similar shade of red lipstick as mine and her short spiky hair was midnight black. It was her black and white striped stockings that had caught my attention and I loved her black ballerina skirt. It was a cool feminine touch when matched with her black leather jacket and lip piercing. She looked like so much fun.

  “I haven't seen you around here before. Are you new?” she asked.

  “Yeah, you could say that. Just made it through our first night,” I told her.

  “I don’t sleep at the shelter at night, I only stay here during the day to get a few meals,” she said as she lit a smoke.

  “Where do you sleep then?” I asked her, feeling exhausted after last night’s ordeal.

  “There’s an abandoned apartment above one of the stores. It’s easy to climb the outside staircase and crawl in through an unlocked window. It’s not the best but it’s actually pretty warm from the store below and it has a roof. It's a lot quieter too. I’m not supposed to talk about it but you two look cool,” she said winking at us.

  “Awe, thanks Lily,” Cas grinned.

  “Can you
come get us tonight. I’d like to try it. I couldn’t sleep at all last night,” I asked her, trying not to sound too whiny.

  “Yeah, no problem,” she smiled.

  We ended up spending the day together. She’s been living on the streets for almost a year now. Cas and I followed her to one of the parks. She walked over to a group of skinheads. We stayed back, lighting a smoke while a homeless man fed the pigeons beside us. The sun was shining and the wind had died down. It was okay to be outside for a while, which was a relief. I couldn't stand being inside the shelter. I walked away from Cas and looked up at one of the sculptures. Staring at the cut stone I was startled when an old man walked around the other side. He had a dirty black robe on and held a bag of bird food in his hand. I glanced back and saw Cas sitting on a bench. The man feeding the pigeons was standing in front of me. I took a step back when I heard him say my name.

  “What did you say?” I asked.

  “Scarlett Jones, be careful out here. You are being watched. People are not who you think they are, the demons dwell inside them. Stay protected, watch your back and remember, you have been chosen,” he slurred.

  “How do you know my name?” I demanded. His yellow fingers reached into the bag of feed and he threw the seeds down. A flock of pigeons surrounded him as he laughed. Lily came bounding toward me.

  “Scarlett, come on. I have something for you. Put your cigarette out,” she ordered as I looked at her then back to the homeless man, but he was gone. I caught Lily looking in his direction as well, but she didn't say anything. She placed her arm around my shoulder and led me back towards Cas.

  “Put those out, I got us something better, girls,” she said with a smirk as she lit a joint.

  “Did I happen to mention that I love you Lily,” I squealed, completely forgetting about the old man as she handed it to me.

  “I thought you might,” she said laughing.

  “This just makes me feel so much better, you have no idea,” I said, inhaling deeply before passing it to Cas but Lily intervened. She lit a different one and handed it to Cas. I thought it strange but didn't question her generosity.

  “I’ll have another special treat for you in the morning, as long as you can wake up early enough,” she grinned. We strolled back to the shelter together, laughing but starving. Once dinner was announced, we stood in line, waiting for our portions. I had trouble holding my tray because my hands kept shaking. The lady that handed me my soup noticed. She gave me extra napkins. “Thanks,” I said sarcastically.

  An older guy sat down beside me at the table. He looked as though he had spent many years outside in the sun and the wind. His leathery skin looked rough and red. I could tell he was watching me as I attempted to slurp my soup. Before Cas and Lily joined me, he took a flask from his jacket and handed it to me.

  “I think you need a drink darling,” he said, winking an eye at me. I narrowed my eyes as I looked at him. I'd prefer to suffer through my withdrawal than let him near me.

  “Don’t worry, I’ll give it to you for free, I have more. I can see you’re struggling, that's all. Please, drink,” he smiled, almost sadly as he held it up for me. I took it quickly and drank the whole thing. Closing my eyes, I felt some of the tension leave my body. I instantly felt more relaxed, almost giddy. I wondered what it was but didn't have time to ask as I saw Cas heading towards me.

  “Thank you Mister?” I asked for his name.

  “Call me Daddy, Daddy Warbucks, my little Annie,” he laughed. Cas eyed him suspiciously as she joined me at the table.

  “Who's your friend?” she asked me.

  “That’s my Daddy,” I giggled as I drank my soup. The relief didn’t last long though, before I knew it, I was back to craving a drink again. My shakes returned by nightfall. Relieved to see Lily running into the shelter for us, Cas and I grabbed our rolled up blankets and followed her out into the cold night. The police drove by us. The bar patrons ignored us. I know there wasn't any chance we’d be allowed in, especially looking the way we did. I laughed as Lily spat on the window of a high class restaurant as we ran by.

  I had been feeling exhausted all day and that evening, as we walked together, I think it had finally taken its toll. Climbing the metal staircase up to the top floor of an old brick building made my head spin and my legs ache. Cas grabbed my hand as I kept my eyes on Lily’s black and white striped stockings. She smiles as we finally reach the top.

  “Come on in,” she said as she opens the window. We slowly crawl through. I’m stunned by the big large room with an old chandelier hanging from the ceiling. A group of people in the far corner are smoking and listening to New Order. Blue Monday rings through the room but I couldn't tell you if it really was Monday or not. There didn’t seem to be as many people here as in the shelter, which I’m happy about. We chose a far corner and began to roll out our blankets. It is dusty but I didn't really care as I curled up on the floor. Cas put my head on her lap and brushed my hair from my face with her fingers.

  “Are you okay Scar?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I’m okay Cas, just really tired,” I mumbled. Lily came over and handed each of us another joint. I couldn't hide my shock. I sat up immediately. Lily lights it for me, watching me closely.

  “Thank you Lily, I have been missing this,” I tell her before taking a deep inhale. I'm not sure if I imagined it but the smell and the taste finally seemed the same as the smoke Buddy had given me, stronger even than the one Lily gave me earlier. I inhaled again and a flood of memories invaded my mind. I'm smiling as I close my eyes and inhale again. I can see him grinning as he tilts my chin up to kiss me. I sigh, feeling light headed and happy.

  “I’ll sleep better after this,” I whispered to Lily as she laid down beside me. I could almost smell his smoky, musty basement. I pictured the blue carpet underneath me. I curled back into my blanket and just as I began to drift into sleep I heard Lily's voice.

  “He misses you Scarlett. You must summon him soon,” I heard her whisper in my ear. My eyes closed and I fell into a deep sleep.

  I awoke groggily, feeling Cas poking my ribs. I rubbed my eyes in the darkness, trying to focus on her.

  “Scar, get up. Lily has a treat for us,” she ordered. I stood up and put on my docs quickly. I followed them down the metal staircase. Lily began to run as soon as she jumped down to the sidewalk, heading towards a back alley. Cas and I ran behind her, doing our best to keep up. She waves us along once she reaches the back door of an Italian restaurant. We catch up just as she’s untying a big plastic bag. A few other street kids have arrived behind us. Lily pulled out three long French breads and then handed the bag to the others. She gave us each a loaf.

  “Wow Lily, thank you. I’m drooling,” I squeal, before taking a bite of the still warm bread. I sink my teeth into the loaf, nothing has ever tasted so good.

  “It’s awesome. I've heard the baker has been putting bread out every morning for years, but you gotta be here early. It doesn’t last long,” she said with a mouthful. The three of us just sat on the sidewalk, at five thirty in the morning, enjoying the smell, feel and taste of French bread.

  Over the next few weeks my tremors had finally begun to diminish. I guess I had no choice but to sober up. The alcohol wasn’t in supply as much and the drugs weren’t as free. We actually discussed prostitution, but decided that would be a last resort, knowing we never would. We spent our days at the park and in the malls when it was too cold to be outside for long, grabbing our meals from the shelter. Lily introduced us to a few of her friends who offered us a daily dosing of dope, but it wasn't the same as Buddy's. The smoke relieved some of my pain and anxiety though.

  A few of the guys we hung out with had mohawks which only reminded me of Buddy. I refused to meet any of them alone. I convinced myself I didn’t want love anymore. I didn’t want anyone to touch me again. If I couldn’t have Buddy then I wasn’t going to have anyone else. Cas still flirted in her usual way. I was grateful for it, because it kept the drugs coming.


  One evening, as we settled into our blankets Lily told us that she was leaving Toronto. Her mother divorced her step-dad and invited her to join her in California. She had briefly mentioned once that her step-dad used her and her mother as punching bags. The children's aid had been called when she ended up with a broken arm and an infected cut under her eye. They placed her in a home for troubled girls. She said she hated it there. The food sucked and all the girls wanted to do was fight.

  “I'm a lover not a fighter,” she joked. “So I just walked out one day and never returned. I kept in touch with my mom though. I usually call her once a month,” she said in between drags of her smoke. I watched her as she blew perfect smoke rings.

  “I’m going to LA, the city of angels,” she cried as she hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her, wishing she wasn’t going. She had the most amazing survival skills. I loved having her around, she kept me busy, keeping my waking thoughts away from Buddy.

  Later that night I felt someone breathing close to me. I opened my eyes and saw Lily watching me. She smiled as she placed a bracelet on my wrist. I was about to speak when she placed her finger to her lips, signaling for me to be quiet. I followed her gaze to Cas. I looked back to her, still watching me as she seemed to be chanting. I couldn't understand her words, it sounded as though she spoke a different language. She winked at me then went back to her blankets. I tried to see the details of the bracelet in the street light that shone through the dusty window. It looked like a gold rope. I sighed as I laid back down, feeling warm and fuzzy all of a sudden. I felt calm and free of my anxiety, finally able to sleep.

  The next morning Cas and I walked with her down to the bus station. We shared a ‘bon voyage smoke’ as Lily called it. I cried as she said goodbye to us.

  “Hey, don’t cry Scarlett Rayne, I’m so happy we met on this adventure called life. We just have to go separate ways now, just like you and Cas will have to. Soon I hope,” she warned, looking into my eyes.

  “There is someplace you are meant to be, there is someone incredibly important waiting for you. You will have to make the choice to go to him before it is too late,” she whispered into my ear as she brushed my hair from my face. I looked into her dark eyes as she kissed me. It was brief but sweet. I’ve never been kissed by a girl before. I was surprised by her kiss and her intuition. I’ve never really talked about Buddy with her but Cas has told me that I tend to cry his name in my sleep. I reached for her again, hugging her tightly to me. She kissed my cheek then turned to Cas, giving her a hug. She waved before boarding her bus to Los Angeles. Cas and I stayed until the bus pulled out of the station.