by Jamie Beck
A pang—an ache for something he didn’t even know he wanted—pressed on his heart.
He set his glass down and crossed the mostly empty room. “Can I cut in?”
Kelsey glanced around for a second and spotted her mom in the dining room. “Mom, can you take Ty?”
“Oh, please.” Her mom approached with open arms. “Come here, love bug.”
Once the exchange had been made and Mrs. Callihan walked away, Trip pulled Kelsey into his arms for a private slow dance in the entry. Ed Sheeran’s “Thinking Out Loud” wasn’t a country song, but it was close enough for Trip’s liking.
He wrapped one arm firmly behind her back, and took her hand in his other and placed it against his chest. He merely needed to tilt his head a bit in order to be cheek to cheek, thanks to her spiky heels.
Neither of them said a word as he led her around the little space. Peace took root and spread through him. This kind of tender moment . . . it was enough for him. He didn’t need to complicate things with promises about a future he couldn’t predict.
Kelsey’s earlier tension seemed to melt once he held her in his arms. Her lips brushed his neck before she whispered, “Maybe this will be us one day, thirty-five years from now.”
If she noticed his misstep as every muscle in his body contracted, she didn’t let on. Instead, she laid her head on his shoulder and hummed along with the melody.
Kelsey stared into the mirror, brushing her teeth without seeing her reflection. Her mind was too lost in thoughts about the party and Trip to register much of anything else.
The blinds in the bedroom rattled, probably from him pushing them aside to look out the window at the snowfall. The major storm predicted—uncharacteristic for this early in October—had started up around nine o’clock. If they woke to the anticipated foot of fresh snow, no doubt he’d be pulling out his skis tomorrow and hiking up the mountain.
Not that he’d mentioned it on their way home. He’d been unusually quiet ever since their spontaneous dance in Maura’s entry.
When he’d asked to cut in, with his sexy bedroom voice, his eyes had shone with affection. He’d taken her in his arms and held her close—gently, lovingly. A perfect moment: one that had nearly convinced her of his love, until her wistful comment had sent him fleeing.
One moment she wished she could retract it, the next moment she resented him for not even allowing her to hope for anything beyond the here and now.
Emma’s probing questions about healthy relationships and love kept poking at her conscience. Maybe they were the reason for all the headaches she’d been experiencing this past week.
After rinsing her mouth, she grabbed her silk robe and walked into the bedroom. Trip lay sprawled out on her bed, eyes closed, wearing nothing but his boxer briefs. His athletic body—its gorgeous slopes and ridges of muscle—momentarily distracted her.
As if sensing her gaze scouring him, he popped one eyelid open and grinned. “Like what you see?”
“Most of the time.” All of the time, really, but his ego needed no encouragement.
Trip propped himself up on his elbows and tipped his head. “But not tonight?”
Kelsey sighed and sat in the chair across from the bed. She placed her hands on her knees, her gaze drawn to her fingernails while she groped for words.
“Uh-oh. This little scene is reminding me of our first night together.” Trip sat upright. “You’re not about to kick me to the curb again, are you?”
She looked up, surprised by his careful tone and perturbed recollection of that hot July night. So much had changed since then it seemed like much longer than ten weeks ago. The bargain they’d struck hadn’t turned out as either of them had planned.
Trip had thundered into her world bringing an avalanche of thrills, chaos, comfort, and one of her heart’s dearest desires—a baby. Like any natural disaster, his presence had upended her life. Now, despite all of her early efforts to control her heart, it lay exposed and yearning and not at all safe from harm.
His dating tips flashed through her mind like a blinking traffic light, urging caution. Yet her need for reassurance overwhelmed her restraint.
Her skin grew clammy, her stomach cramped, but she pushed forward.
“You were uncomfortable tonight, weren’t you?” She glanced away and then back at him. “I mean, you were pleasant with my family, but you weren’t yourself.”
“That’s probably a good thing, right?” he teased. Another deflection, like always. She stared expectantly without smiling, forcing him to answer her question with something more than a glib remark. He rolled his shoulders back. “Did I do or say something wrong earlier, aside from the Fee thing?”
“No. In fact, I doubt anyone but me noticed your itch to bolt . . . like the place was on fire.” Kelsey sighed. “Why were so you eager to leave? Don’t you like my family?”
Trip reached out for her to come to him and, reluctantly, she did. He pulled her onto his lap, hugging her close and resting his chin on her shoulder. “I think you’ve got that backward, princess. I like them just fine, but I doubt right now that’s a two-way street—not that I blame them, exactly.”
He was insecure? Inching closer to the heart of the matter, she said, “Why do you say that?”
Trip placed a hand on her stomach. “Because they love you. They want all your dreams to come true, but I’m in the way. I’ve messed with the life they wanted you to have. The kind of life they have.”
“A married life, you mean.” She noticed he’d conveniently left out how it was also the life she wanted.
He hesitated, avoiding her gaze but keeping a firm hold on her. “Yes.”
“And marriage will never be for you, will it?” She kept her eyes down, unable to face him, or face the truth.
She felt him shrug, but he said nothing. Tension poured off his body in waves, rocking her emotions like a small rowboat adrift in a stormy sea.
In the ensuing silence, the bedroom seemed to shrink and become stuffy. A thousand unspoken words clogged her throat, making it impossible for Kelsey to catch her breath.
I love you.
Will you ever love me?
Will you ever need me?
“Kels?” He raised his hand to her face and forced her to look at him. “It’s not you.”
Despite her best efforts to be strong, she could feel tears stinging her eyes. “So you say.”
“It’s not you. You’re perfect. This—us—it’s incredible, too. Why can’t this be enough . . . one day at a time? No piece of paper pressuring us to stick it out if things turn sour.” He tightened his embrace and spoke enthusiastically, as if he might actually persuade her to see things from his skewed viewpoint. “Isn’t it better to wake up every day and make the choice to be together? Aren’t we less likely to take each other for granted that way? Less likely to be disappointed because we’re not setting up too many expectations? And let’s face it, in many ways we’re still getting to know each other.”
Insecure thoughts and doubts mushroomed like storm clouds, intensifying her headache. Couldn’t he understand that the freedom to walk away at any moment was exactly what she didn’t like about his perspective? When she tried to pry herself from his arms, he strengthened his hold.
“Kelsey, tell me why this hurts you. You know I’ve never wanted another woman as much, never felt as safe being myself, never been as content. That’s all because of you. Can’t we just embrace the journey?”
Kelsey couldn’t argue with all of his points. And sure, this whole thing had started less than three months ago, but she’d fallen in love. She could make a promise. She was ready.
Unfortunately, she couldn’t force him to feel what he didn’t.
She eased off his lap, and this time he didn’t stop her. “Let’s just drop it. My head is killing me.”
Kelsey turned down the covers and crawled under the sheets, her body exhausted from working the party.
Trip stood and faced her. “Do you want me to go?”
“If that’s what you want.” Her flagging energy and churning stomach stole all her fight.
Trip didn’t speak for a minute. Then he turned off the lamp and slid between the covers. He gently tugged her against his body, spooning her. Brushing his hands over her head and down her arm, he murmured, “I want you to be happy, not stressed and upset. You deserve nothing but happiness, and that’s what you’ll get. Trust me, princess. Everything will turn out all right, I promise.”
The fact that he’d just broken his rule against making promises he couldn’t keep shot a chill down her spine.
Chapter Eighteen
After eight hours locked in Trip’s arms, Kelsey felt him slink out of bed. She cracked open her eyes. In the dim room, she watched him cross to the window to peek behind the blinds. When he turned around—his face lit with enthusiasm—she knew the weatherman’s predictions had come true.
So much for a lazy Sunday morning in bed.
She pushed up to her elbow, dismissing the stiffness in her limbs. “Sneaking off?”
He clapped his hands together and rubbed them in excitement. “Nothing better than a foot of fresh pow in October—well, except maybe two feet.”
As he collected his clothing and dressed, she settled back beneath the covers and glanced at the clock. Six thirty. Her headache drummed on, and her lower back ached. She must’ve winced, because Trip walked toward her, frowning. He sat on the edge of the mattress and touched the back of his hand to her forehead.
“You don’t look so good, princess. Are you sick?”
“No. I’m just achy.”
“Maybe you’re coming down with the flu. You should go see the doctor.” As he studied her with a look of concern, she couldn’t help but grin at his overprotective nature. Something few people would ever guess about him.
“It’s not the flu.” She patted his hand. “My throat is fine. No congestion. A masseuse would be a better prescription than the doctor.”
“You’ve had a lot of headaches lately. And you were groaning in your sleep, like you were in pain.” He looked toward the window, scowling to himself. “Maybe I should stay with you . . . get you to the doctor.”
“And miss all the ‘fresh pow’?” she teased.
He stroked her head and hair. “Seriously, Kelsey. You haven’t felt right all week. Your body’s telling you something. We shouldn’t ignore it.” She noticed his gaze drop and linger in the general area of her midsection.
The baby.
Of course. If Trip loved anyone, it was their baby, not her.
That was the main reason he cared about her health. Why he’d offer to skip skiing and shuttle her around. Why he even proposed dating her at all. Had she never been pregnant, things between them would be so different.
A month ago he’d walked away so she could go on a date with another man—clearly not the action of a man in love. Was she a fool to think he would change? To believe he would come around to embrace her ideas about family and marriage?
She curled her knees up to her chest, glancing away. “I’ll be fine, cowboy. Go skiing.”
“Kels . . . ,” he began, but then he dropped it. He squeezed her thigh. “It’s Sunday, so stay in bed and rest. Can I get you anything before I go? Water? Herbal tea?”
She shook her head while trying to beat back her insecurities. “I can take care of myself, thanks. I’m going back to sleep as soon as you leave.”
His halfhearted smile suggested he felt conflicted. “My phone will be in my pack, so I won’t hear it if you try to call—assuming the call even gets through the spotty coverage up in the mountains.”
“Okay. Be careful, Trip.” Clasping his hand, she met his gaze. “I know you tempt fate all the time, but . . . well, I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Don’t worry, princess. I know what I’m doing. But thanks for caring.” He leaned forward and kissed her. “I’ll come back later this afternoon and check on you. If you spike a fever, get to the doctor.”
He lifted his hat off the nightstand and winked at her. “See you later.”
And then he was gone.
Closing her eyes, she hugged a pillow and drifted into a dream state.
The throbbing in her lower back prevented Kelsey from falling into a deep sleep. Following two hours of semiconscious tossing and turning, she gave up. She opened her eyes and sighed, stretching in a vain effort to loosen the tension that had formed a thick knot at the base of her spine.
Moving slowly, she threw back the blanket and stood, yawning. A small mewl caught her attention as Cowboy padded his way across her floor. Smiling, she lifted her kitten—her favorite gift from Trip—and snuggled him against her face and neck.
Together they crossed to the window and peered outside, where a steady, light snow continued to fall. At least twelve inches, maybe more, had piled up. Snowplows had made one pass down her street, but it looked like another would be needed. In the distance she could see the peaks of the San Juan range over the tops of the buildings in town.
Nuzzling Cowboy, she said, “Your daddy’s in his glory right now.”
Kelsey stood at the window another moment, watching the steady snowfall add to the pile on the street below. She couldn’t remember a storm this severe in early October during her lifetime.
The near whiteout in town meant visibility on the mountain would be wretched. Trip had surely encountered these conditions and worse before, especially in Utah and Alaska. Still, concern nagged.
She’d never seen Trip ski, but she’d overheard others in town talk about him and Grey. Unlike Avery, whose competitive nature spurred her to keep up with her brother, Kelsey had never ventured into backcountry skiing. Once the baby arrived, she’d continue that policy. Frowning, she realized she’d have to train herself not to worry about Trip facing danger on the job every day.
When she finally released the blind, it clattered against the window as it fell back in place, shattering the silence of her apartment.
After setting Cowboy on the floor, she twisted left and then right. When that failed to ease the tension in her body, she rubbed her lower back with her hands while arching her spine like a cat. Still, the achiness spread and her lower back muscles began to spasm.
With no appointments or open houses on her agenda, she drew a warm bath, determined to feel better. She slipped into her gorgeous claw-foot tub, closed her eyes, and listened to the soothing sounds of Reneé Michele’s music.
The heat instantly eased her body and calmed her mind.
Inhaling the steam, she focused her thoughts on envisioning the future she wanted. The one she prayed a little patience, understanding, and persistence would attain.
A smile curled the corners of her mouth as she pictured Trip at the end of the center aisle in her church. He’d be dashing, with his jet-black hair and fashionable tuxedo.
She fantasized about the look that would be in his eyes when she walked down the aisle—one of adoration and affection. The same look she sometimes thought she noticed when his guard was down.
Amazingly, what had begun as unbridled lust between them had blossomed into a genuine, intimate friendship. If only he could trust it, or her, or love. She desperately wanted to suppress her misgivings and assure herself that someday he would. If not before the baby arrived, then soon afterward.
The baby. Despite Trip’s conviction they’d have a boy, Kelsey pictured a girl. One with dark hair, green eyes, and a smile as big as a crescent moon, just like her father.
She imagined strolling through town with Trip on a lazy summer day, their daughter on his shoulders, and her own belly distended with another baby. It all seemed so perfect and real, her heart thumped against her chest.
Then, just as she had begun to embrace hope, her abdomen clenched hard. The sudden stab of pain propelled her upright. She opened her eyes and saw pink-tinged water radiating from between her legs.
Stunned, she kicked, as if trying to get away from danger, sending water sloshing over
the edge of the tub. Please, not the baby. Please, not my baby. She quickly climbed out of the tub and dried off, reminding herself that a little spotting was nothing to panic about. Then more blood saturated the toilet paper she used to assess the situation.
Oh, God. No!
As if in a daydream, she stumbled into her room. Her limbs prickled with heat, her heart thundered in her ears, her skin broke into a sudden, profuse sweat. The dizzying spike of adrenaline caused her to teeter, so she sank onto her bed and tried to take control of her body.
Calm down. It’s okay. It’ll be okay.
Another cramp struck while she lay curled on her comforter. Warm tears tracked down her cheeks, screams strangled to silence in her ever-tightening throat.
Move, Kelsey! Save your baby.
She forced herself to sit upright. Taking deep breaths, she called Trip but it went straight to voice mail. She hung up without leaving a message, threw on sweats and a turtleneck, and then called Maura.
“What’s up, sis?” Maura’s sing-songy voice rang out.
“The baby . . . I’m bleeding,” Kelsey choked out, unable to stop her tears or sniffling.
“Oh, Kelsey, I’ll be right over! Did you call Trip?”
“He’s skiing. I can’t reach him.” The enormity of what could be happening overwhelmed her once more, and another painful sob escaped her throat.
“I’ll be there in five minutes. Call the doctor. I’ll drive.”
While Trip removed the skins from his skis at the top of his fourth climb that day, he took a minute to soak up the scenery. The snow had finally stopped and the sun was peeking through the clouds. An occasional breeze wafted snowflakes off of fir trees, casting them into the air, where they floated around like glitter.
Grey had quit before lunch, unwilling to push his knee too hard on day one. But he’d been pleased with the joint’s stability, so they’d both considered the morning a success. Trip had then met up with his buddy Jon and continued to shred fresh powder for three more hours. Now his thoughts returned to Kelsey.