by K. C. Hamby
That’s right. Tuck your tails.
“Back again?” Cosma looks more amused than the first time we made an appearance in her office. “Wow, Nathan, did you work hard?” she inquires after seeing his sweat covered forehead.
“I did! Didn’t I, Fal?” he asks as he runs behind her desk. I nod my head in agreement and he hugs Cosma. I keep my composure, but this is something she’s not supposed to let happen. She shoots me a look to kill over his shoulder, making the decision final for me to keep my mouth shut. Nathan pulls back and Cosma cracks a smile at him.
“So, what brings you two back here?” she asks, looking at me with speculation in her gray eyes.
“Can I go with Fal to get ice cream?” He smiles so wide even I wouldn’t be able to say no. Cosma shoots her eyes at me and her Alpha power flows through the room. It brushes across my skin, but has no effect.
“Hey Nathan? Will you wait outside for a minute please? And no listening.” She glares at him with purpose and he nods. He trudges out of the office and closes the door behind him. Cosma turns to me.
“What are you doing, Falen?” Her Alpha power is making the room thick with tension. She’s trying to force me into submission, but she doesn’t know I’m not affected by her power like other Lupi are. I think I could be more of an Alpha than she is, but I certainly won’t be the one to tell her that.
She wheels her chair from behind her desk and rolls right in front of me. “I, uh,” I stutter. Her closeness is making me uncomfortable and she’s staring at me like she’s dissecting me with her gaze. “It’s just positive reinforcement.” I drop a fib right in her lap. I can’t even believe it myself.
She squints her eyes, seeing right through my ill-crafted lie.
“Be careful, Falen,” she warns in a low voice. I thought she would decide to finally skin me or, at the very least, threaten me, but it just comes out as a genuine warning. “Nathan is a charming and loving kid.” Cosma gives me a small smile. I can’t believe there is this whole different side of her that I’m just now seeing. Nathan must be pretty special if he brings this out of Cosma. I’ve never seen her mouth move out of a frown or a haughty smirk before today.
She wheels backward to get a better look at me. I stiffen.
“Falen, Nathan needs a good role model.” She pauses to let that sink in. “I think you can be that for him. He talks about how much he wants to be like you all the time.” She raises the corner of her mouth in a sad smile, telling me how much she wishes she could be that role model for him. She’s pulling at the few heart strings I have.
Or, one heart string. I have one. That’s it.
She glances at me, asking with her misty eyes if I’m up for it.
I mean, Nathan is a good kid. I sigh.
“Of course, Alpha.” I want to convince myself this will be good for me and Nathan. He can teach me how to be a decently nice person while I teach him how to kick someone’s ass.
Cosma’s mouth threatens to tilt up in a smile, but I guess she decides she’s had enough smiling for today because she’s back to business in the blink of an eye.
“All right. You now have responsibility of Nathan when you two go outside of the Complex. You don’t need to ask for permission anymore. You just need to have him back inside by 6:00 P.M. every time you go out unless preapproved by me.” She makes her way back behind her desk and absentmindedly stacks some files together. I nod my head at her terms and she looks like she’s about to call Nathan back in when she stops, meets my eyes, and says, “Thank you.”
I’m taken aback by the genuine gratitude radiating off Cosma and all I can do is nod my head in respect. She calls Nathan in and tells him that we have permission as well as the rules of us hanging out.
“Does that mean missions too?” My eyes threaten to pop out of my head.
“Absolutely not.” Cosma shuts it down without even looking up from writing in a file. He side-eyes me with a sly smile like he knew she was going to say no, but he wanted to ask anyway. I roll my eyes at him. “You can go,” she dismisses and Nathan practically vanishes out of the office door.
I shake my head and turn to follow him.
“Oh, and Falen?” Cosma says before I leave. I turn my head to her. “Good luck.” She chuckles and with that, I’m out the door.
I catch up to Nathan outside of the building. “Okay, how about you go get some lunch. I’m assuming that, even though you don’t have class on a Tuesday for some reason, the cafeteria is still open?” I question.
“Something about the teachers had to meet with a council all day or something. I don’t know anything else other than that. Maybe someone got in trouble.” He waggles his eyebrows at me. “But yeah, I think it is!”
“Let’s meet in front of the Assassin Apartments in two hours. That work for you?” I glance down at my watch and back up at him. He’s shaking with excitement. It’s almost contagious.
Almost.
“Yup! See you then.” He runs off in the direction of the cafeteria and I head for my apartment to find something to eat and to reevaluate my emotion levels.
I remember Mom once told me that I wouldn’t be able to completely shut off my emotions.
“It’s not natural, Falen. We must feel to live.”
Of course, I argued with her and told her my teachers said I had to do it to be a great assassin. I wanted to be the best. I’ve always been stubborn. I tried to tell her that the best assassins don’t feel.
I realize now it had been a slap in the face. She was an assassin. She would always laugh it off, though. She was never like ordinary Lupi; at least not when she came home. She had different ideas about how Ash and I should act and feel.
“Emotions are going to come. You can try to put them off, but they will always come back to you. The best way to deal with them isn’t to shut them out. It’s to let them visit for a while, but then let them leave when they’ve served their purpose.”
I didn’t like what she said, but more because I didn’t understand it. Ash hung on to her every word while I took them as a challenge. I wanted to prove her wrong. But now, I think I get it. My emotions are flying back and punching me across the face over and over again.
I walk up the stairs to the door of my apartment and push my key in the lock, stopping to rest my head against the cool metal of the door.
That’s the first time I’ve let myself think of Mom since she died and all I’m feeling right now is a sharp pain in my chest.
I push through the door and shove the memories and tears away.
After all, I’m a weapon and weapons don’t shed tears. They only shed the blood of their enemies.
Chapter 16
“This is going to be so awesome,” Nathan exclaims as we make eye contact while I’m walking down the stairs of my apartment building. He’s changed into blue jeans and a forest green, long sleeve t-shirt. As usual, I’m clad in dark colors with my dark-washed jeans, black V-neck shirt, my trusty combat boots with my hidden knife, and my new leather jacket, courtesy of Invidia.
We make our way to the parking lot and Nathan jumps right into talking my head off. “I’m going to work so hard and be the best assassin ever! Especially since you’re going to help me. Well, I guess I’ll be the best assassin after you, of course.” He ducks his head as I roll my eyes and bump his shoulder. “I’m going to be the coolest in school because everyone is going to be super jealous. They all say you’re scary. I just think you’re cool and I want to be just like you one day.”
“Nathan, you’re going to pass out if you don’t take a breath between sentences.” I laugh at his excitement. Nathan’s funny. The other Lupi children are terrified of me and they whine all the time when I pass their training classes every once in a while. Nathan is a ray of sunshine in my otherwise boring and cloudy life and he works hard. It’s something I can respect, even though I don’t think I’ve heard as many words in my life as Nathan has said in the past few hours.
We hit the pavement of the parking lot
and his chatter becomes nonexistent. I glimpse in his direction to find a solemn expression plastered on his face. I furrow my brow in concern, but I don’t say anything as I unlock my car and he hops in the passenger side. I crank it up and it revs to life beautifully. My eyes cut over to him and he’s gazing around the car with calculating eyes, still silent. My car cranks out the last song I was listening to on my phone last night before I went to sleep. See Ya’s “Falcon Released” pushes itself from my speakers and I scramble to turn it down.
“Sorry, Nathan.” I clear my throat. “Have you ever been outside of the Complex?” I ask him, raising an inquiring eyebrow. He says nothing but shakes his head no. It strikes me how much trust Cosma is putting in me.
No pressure.
“Hey, it’ll be okay, I promise. You’re going to see some cool things, okay?” I muster up a smirk to shoot him and he seems to lighten up. He reaches for the volume control and turns the song back up.
But there’s a scream in me and it tries to flee.
I grip on so fast, but I can’t make it last.
Takes me away, oh it takes me away.
Yes, there’s a scream in me and it tries to flee.
I grip on so fast, but I can’t make it last, no.
I can’t make it last, I can’t make it last.
I smile softly and quietly sing along while I drive out of the Complex and head into the city. Nathan nods his head to the beat while he stares out of the window at the houses and people we pass. He starts seriously rubbernecking when we get into the city and I let the window down so he can get a better look at the tall buildings. He pulls against his seat belt as he leans his head out to look up in astonishment. He’s only seen the city from a distance, safely in the Complex.
After driving around a little more than necessary so Nathan can look at buildings, I find a parking spot and we crawl out of the car. Nathan walks briskly to my side and stands close enough not to touch, but close enough to be safe. He’s anxious and I try to hide my smirk.
We walk in silence with Nathan following almost too close for comfort, but I understand. He’s nervous about being here, outside of the only world he’s ever known. It can be overwhelming, especially in busy Seattle. I was nervous the first time Mom..
Dammit, no.
“Let me know if you see anything that says ‘ice cream’ on it, okay?” He nods his head.
“What is ice cream, anyway?” He is looking around like I’ve just given him his first job as an assassin. I’m stumped.
“Honestly, I have no idea.” I think on it for a second. “I just hear the humans tell their children that they’ll get some if they are good, so I thought it would be a good idea. I’ve never had it before.” I look down at him and shrug. He laughs and points across the street.
“There!” I follow his finger and sure enough, Larry’s Ice Dream sits in bright colors with groups of kids piling inside. I cringe thinking of having to be in such a small space with so many children.
“Good job,” I praise and hold out a wrist for him to bump. He glows like he just won the lottery. He knocks his wrist with mine a little harder than necessary and we wait for the walking man to light up, telling us we can cross the street without getting plowed over by cars. I think Cosma would rethink her trust in me just a little if I let that happen.
The walking man light flashes on and Nathan lightly gasps. I chuckle as we make our way across the street and into the ice cream shop. The overwhelming smell of sticky sweetness hits me as soon as Nathan opens the fingerprint-smeared glass door. I look at him and he’s wrinkling his nose.
“What are we supposed to do?” He watches with wide eyes as the people move quickly through the line. The bright colors are hurting my head. I watch people in front of us and use my hearing to tune into what they are saying. I bend my head down a little so I can whisper to Nathan.
“I think we have to pick a flavor from that glass container.” I breathe slowly, wanting to push the sweetness from my nose without being too obvious, and point to the cold contraption holding the ice cream. “Then, you decide if you want it in a cup with a spoon or one of those cone-shaped things.” I motion to the cones vaguely resembling waffles. Nathan nods eagerly like it’s part of his training. We walk up to the counter and I’m bombarded with dozens of flavor choices. I scan the names in seconds and make a choice based on a familiar name I find.
“What’ll ya have?” the older, graying man behind the counter asks with kind eyes and a wrinkly smile. I take a breath to speak, but Nathan beats me to it.
“I want two scoops of chocolate in a cone, please!” He exclaims cheerily and glances over to me with a sly smile and a wink. I huff.
“I’ll have the same, but with strawberry,” I tell the man. He happily slaps the mounds of ice cream on a slab and flips it around with a flat spoon thing. He plops the ice cream in our cones. I study him a bit. There is nothing coming from this man but pure energy. He has a kind essence about him screaming how he loves this job and does it for the children. My heart patters a little at the thought.
The man hands us our cones and Nathan is absolutely flabbergasted. They are huge! Hius eyes grow so wide, they may be able to swallow the ice cream whole.
He holds my ice cream while I pay and we make our way outside to find somewhere to sit and regret our choices for two scoops. Nathan finds a small, secluded table and we plop down, staring at the monstrosities in our hands.
“Why is it leaking?” he asks curiously as he holds his cone up to study the sides. I furrow my brow and look at my ice cream. A chuckle escapes my lips.
“Nathan, it’s melting. You have to lick the sides of it to stop it from doing that.” I say it confidently even though I’ve only learned this fact by glancing around at everyone else licking their ice creams. I grab him a napkin from the dispenser in the middle of the table and he takes a giant lick of his ice cream as I hand it to him. He jerks his head back.
“Whoa, that’s sweet,” he cautions, but continues licking at the mound. I eye mine skeptically. It drips onto my hand so I take the plunge and taste it.
My taste buds are immediately overloaded with sweetness. Sure, it faintly tastes of strawberry, but the sugar and cream overpowers everything. And it’s so cold. It makes me cringe as it passes between my teeth. I slowly keep licking it. Nathan’s face contorts in pain.
“Ow,” he whines and grabs his head. “My head hurts really bad.” I take a big bite out of my ice cream and swallow the glob before I can speak.
“You okay?” I hope he isn’t having some kind of reaction to it. Cosma will kill me.
“Huh.” His face relaxes back to normal. “Yeah. It’s gone now,” he claims confused. He continues licking his ice cream with a shrug like nothing happened. Strange.
My head suddenly pounds like someone slams into it with a hammer. My brain seems to be freezing over. My ears and mouth are so cold. I grab my forehead and rub my temples with my fingers, trying to coax the pain to stop.
And it disappears.
Huh.
I cautiously continue eating my ice cream and neither I or Nathan report anymore headaches. Nathan discovers the cone is edible. I try it, but it doesn’t taste very edible to me. Nathan enjoys it, though, so I guess that’s what matters. I finish my ice cream and throw the cone in the trash. Nathan has nothing left but sticky napkins, so I begrudgingly throw them away, grabbing some hand sanitizer from the dispenser on the wall outside of the store. My hands have become awfully sticky.
After ridding ourselves of the sugary glue, we walk back to my car.
“Well, what did you think?” I ask after a minute of contemplative silence. He scrunches his forehead in thought.
“It was good, but it was way too sweet and sticky for me. I think there’s sugar coating my teeth.” He rubs his tongue over his front teeth and smacks. I snort.
“Yeah, I know. I got the strawberry flavor thinking it would taste even a little like a regular strawberry, but of course it didn’t.” I h
uff and Nathan laughs at me.
“Thank you, Fal.” I grow quiet at his gratefulness. I peer over to him and he’s smiling, more carefree than ever.
“Just….keep working hard in training. That’s the only kind of thanks you have to give me.” My pace matches with his as my heart breaks down some of the wall I have built around it.
“You got it! I’ll always work hard.”
We are almost to my car when my senses go on high alert. The hair on the back of my neck spikes. I slow down and flick my eyes around to all the people, searching for the danger.
Nothing.
Weird. I could have sworn…
And then I see him across the street, hiding behind a group of unaware people. His awful smirk mocks me and a growl slides out from my teeth.
“What’s wrong?” I hear Nathan ask, but I don’t answer.
I’m about to run across the street and handle this once and for all, but someone walks in front of Damien and he disappears completely. I jerk my head back in confusion.
Was that even him or am I just paranoid and hallucinating from the sugar high?
“Uh.” I remember I haven’t answered Nathan. “Everything is fine. I just thought I saw a Poacher, but I didn’t.” I smile at him, attempting to look reassuring. But I don’t smile very often, so I could look like a serial killer for all I know.
Nathan becomes rigid. I had thought about not telling him, but this is good for his training. Knowing the real world is dangerous will be eye opening for him. He shakes himself out of the fear and we continue to the car. By his stiff movements, I can tell he’s practicing the hearing trick I taught him earlier. I hide the upward tilt of my lips with a cough.
We make it to the car and he relaxes as soon as he’s buckled in to the passenger seat. I let down the windows and turn on my music. I let Nathan pick a song and surprisingly, he picks “Flames and the Overflow” by Joy’s Dance. He doesn’t seem to know any of the words, but he dances along, mumbling incoherently to the beat while I shake my head and drive back to the Complex.