Subaru constantly kept watch for anything that seemed remotely out of the ordinary. He couldn’t let his guard slip for a single instant, never mind a second.
—I can’t make a mistake. I just can’t. I can’t.
Warning bells rang without pause in his head at repeating things over and over.
Danger, danger, they announced.
He hadn’t advanced an inch since reaching this other world, but he felt his sensitivity to peril, at least, had grown more acute.
“See, Ramchi? I’m not slacking off here. I’m totally doing so much work. Almost enough that my superior could just go back to her room and take a nap, you know?”
He evaded the situation with an irregular approach, casually glossing things over with a charming smile.
He wondered if he could really do it. Could Subaru Natsuki really pull this off? He hadn’t given them reason to doubt him, had he? He paid ten, no, a hundred times more attention, not only in front of Ram but Rem as well.
He played Subaru Natsuki, erasing the unnatural with the natural.
It was simple. It was all up to him. He had to pay not the slightest bit of attention to what anyone living at the mansion really thought, bathing himself in innocence and lack of restraint, until he seemed like a lazy pig who took whatever was given unto him.
As far as the world was concerned, he knew nothing, could do nothing, noticed nothing, and that was all there was to him.
He continued to loiter about, wearing his charming grin like a mask.
He was inside the mansion. He didn’t know who would pop out or when. His free time wasn’t free. He spent all his spare time examining his past actions and forming plans for what he’d do in the hours to come.
“Wh…o…a…”
He suddenly felt the urge to throw up.
A slight moan slipped from the corner of his mouth, but Subaru’s smile did not falter whatsoever.
He kept his expression steady, skipping as he walked, practically dancing his way as he slipped into the nearest guest room. And he stepped over to the room’s lavatory when…
“…Blehhch. Uuogh, uuuuughnn…!”
The contents of his already-empty stomach poured out.
He vomited up every bit of the food and drink that had entered his body. That time, everything came out as sickly yellow stomach acid. And the internal pain that had made him spew it all continued to ache.
The nausea wouldn’t go away. He gulped down running water until he was full, then expelled it immediately afterward. This repeated several times, his stomach heaving like it was cleaning itself out.
“Haaah…haaah…haaah…”
Subaru roughly wiped his mouth with his sleeve, his face pale and his breath ragged.
The pressure was killing him. If he kept this up without any time to rest his mind, he felt like he’d waste away and expire from that alone.
He wanted to laugh at himself for putting himself in this situation, but not even the faintest smile would form on his lips.
All that welled up from within his chest was anxiety and despair.
—Am I really pulling it off?
The time he’d gotten along with everyone best was during that first loop, when he knew nothing.
From the second loop on, he’d been so obsessed with the first loop that it caused problems in his work and personal relations. That was probably a major reason why he hadn’t earned the sisters’ trust.
Consequently, Subaru was using the first loop as his model this time around. That said, he’d failed in the second loop by trying to copy the first. That meant he had to do things better than the first time.
Meaning, all he had to do was put everything into any work he found in front of him and do well at it.
“But that still only gets me fifty points… Can’t get a hundred if I don’t figure out who the shaman is…”
Merely evading death by the sisters’ hands wouldn’t protect Subaru from the menace of the shaman.
On the morning of the fifth day, someone in the mansion would be crying. It might be over Subaru; it might be over Rem.
Subaru really wanted to get information on the shaman, to turn it over to the others so they could plan a counterattack, but he could not. Even if he suggested courses of action, they didn’t trust him enough to act on them yet; he also couldn’t divulge the source of his information.
And Subaru would get a little taste of hell if he broke the prohibition on speaking to others about Return by Death.
Pain scared him, but what terrified him even more was meeting the fingertips of that black cloud.
He had to win the others’ trust and expose the shaman’s identity.
Time was extremely short—enough to make him feel like the walls were closing in.
He had to do something, but he was rushing down a blind alley.
The night before, he’d been held captive by that vortex of helplessness, unable to get a wink of sleep, no answer forthcoming. He felt powerless, having well-founded reasons for his anxiety but being unable to find any solution for it.
He’d paid with his life to come back, yet there he was, an incapable fool.
“Ah, damn it… I’m being pathetic.”
He couldn’t fail here. His back was against the wall.
Even if it was a life he’d thrown away, a life that ought to have been over, he was afraid of losing it again.
It was his fifth time. Even Subaru wasn’t optimistic enough to think he could come back again.
His spirit was in tatters from his mind continually being bashed. If he wasn’t at the brink, he wouldn’t have made the decision to struggle with all his might.
He simply lacked the courage. He was mediocre. Ordinary in every way.
The more he learned how small a person he truly was, the more he grew to despise himself.
“Stupid, stupid. This isn’t the time to whine and cry…”
If he had time to complain, then he had time to run his frivolous mouth and make a better impression.
Shaking off his nausea, Subaru slapped his stiff cheeks in self-rebuke and headed out of the guest room.
It was free time right now, but he didn’t have a moment for a break. He couldn’t waste a second on rest.
He had to find where Ram and Rem had gone and—
“I’ve finally found you.”
He was putting his thoughts in order when he heard someone call to him from behind.
When he looked back, he saw Emilia standing there, breathing slightly heavily.
The instant Subaru set eyes on Emilia, his mind clicked and switched to a different gear.
He forgot all about the pain in his stomach, the ache in his chest, and the stifling feeling, turning everything toward Emilia. His cheeks bent into a smile.
“Oh, Emilia-tan calling me by name. I’m happy, embarrassed—it’s so rare! Your word is my command! I will pass through fire and water for you, even loot sellers!”
Subaru shoved his emotions to the back of his mind for Emilia with a lot more verve than was necessary.
He prided himself on quick comebacks, but Emilia had a different reaction to seeing it than he had expected. He expected an exasperated look and a sigh or something, but instead…
“…Subaru…”
“Wait, now, if you’re the Emilia-tan I know, you should be… Hurk! Are you an imposter?! But could someone else really copy a beautiful girl wrapped in such an adorable package?!”
His ridiculous humor invited amazement, but Emilia’s reaction to even this was muted.
Defying all his expectations, Emilia looked at Subaru, her eyes filled with…pity.
—Not good, his instincts warned him.
“Eh? You’ve gone quiet. This isn’t some sort of prank you’re playing on a guy who gets carried away on tangents, right? You know, like me!”
This is wrong, said a voice inside his brain, over and over.
Emilia wasn’t shocked or angry; she was simply staring at Subaru with pained e
yes.
—I wonder if the comedian’s mask I’m wearing slipped somehow.
The instant worry wormed its way in as Subaru remembered the kitty cat always hovering by Emilia’s side. That cat was also a spirit able to read the subconscious thoughts of others.
It was only then that Subaru realized that the jig was up.
The charming smile plastered onto his face vanished, replaced by a look like that of a child fearful of being scolded.
What a joke. She’d seen through him time and time again while he danced in an effort to hide it all. More than that, Emilia was the one he least wanted to know; his tiny bit of pride at pulling the wool over her eyes was destroyed.
A silence fell between them.
Subaru could no longer find words to say. Emilia looked like she was trying to find some herself, without success.
—I’m disappointing Emilia. I didn’t want that to happen, above all else.
But Subaru didn’t know what excuse he could form. He opened his mouth several times, stopping each time, unable to find the right words.
Seeing words fail Subaru, Emilia abruptly murmured “all right” to herself quietly before continuing.
“Subaru. Come with me.”
“…Ah?”
“Just come on.”
Emilia grabbed Subaru’s arm, dragging him along into the guest room right beside them. A questioning look came over Subaru about going back to the room he’d just left. But Emilia left Subaru hanging as she put her hands on her hips and looked around the room. When she pointed at the floor, her voice rang like a silver bell, as always.
“All right, Subaru. Sit.”
He followed her finger downward. The carpeted floor belonged to a room no one was using but was cleaned regularly nonetheless. Granted, it was soft enough to sleep on, but…
“If I’m going to be sitting, why not the bed or a chair? Why the floor specifica—”
“Just sit already!”
“Yes, with pleasure!”
Cowed by the strong tone she had never used, Subaru dove onto the floor without hesitation and sat properly on his knees. Emilia nodded, apparently satisfied, and stood right beside him.
Naturally, this left Subaru looking up at Emilia from a submissive position, but wicked thoughts never entered his mind. Instead, he was desperately trying to figure out what her intentions were.
Emilia’s voice sounded quietly from her throat.
“…Okay.”
She seemed to have said it for her own benefit. Emilia took a deep breath and sat right beside Subaru, kneeling just as he was.
Subaru’s heart thumped at Emilia sitting within touching distance, but his sideways glance at her pale face could not tell him what she was thinking. He belatedly realized that her cheeks were flushed; even her ears were red.
“This is a special occasion, all right?”
“—Eh?”
Something pressed against the back of Subaru’s head faster than he could properly voice his doubts. Already kneeling, his body offered no resistance as it bent forward—until a very soft sensation hit him.
“The position’s a little awkward, and, mm…kind of prickly.”
Something shifted around under his head as he heard Emilia’s fairly bashful-sounding voice from right overhead.
In surprise, he looked up; the sight before him made his eyes go wide.
Right above him, Emilia’s face was so close that they were almost touching. His eyes reflected a beautiful face that was inverted. Subaru belatedly grasped, Oh, I’m upside down looking up at her.
This distance, her upside-down position, the soft sensation under his head…
—Subaru mentally searched for terms to describe it and found exactly one.
“Lap…pillow?”
“It’s embarrassing, so please don’t say it out loud. And you’re not allowed to look this way. Close your eyes.”
She gave his forehead a light slap, using the palm of her hand to cover his eyes, obstructing his field of vision.
However, Subaru moved Emilia’s resisting hand aside and dragged the words out.
“Emilia-tan, you’re the best when you’re embarrassed…but what is this? When did I do something to earn a reward like this?”
“You don’t need to put up that front right now. ”
She smacked his forehead again. But this time Emilia left her hand on it, stroking Subaru’s hair with her fingers. He squinted at the ticklish feeling.
“You asked me to let you rest on my lap when you were tired, didn’t you, Subaru? So that’s what I’m doing. It won’t be like this all the time, but today’s special.”
“Special? Come on, it’s not even the end of the second day here. My body’s not weak enough to keel over from overwork that fast…”
“I can tell you’re beat-up just by looking at you. You won’t go into the details and tell me, will you? I don’t think this’ll make everything better, but…it’s the only thing I can do, so…”
Her compassionate gaze made it hard to brush her off. Her fingers had parted his black hair; she began to gently stroke his forehead like he was a little boy.
Subaru burst out laughing and tried to twist away from Emilia’s fingers.
He had promised himself to stay strong in front of Emilia. To say this was all a misunderstanding. To say he wouldn’t do anything as unseemly and uncool as that.
“Ha-ha… Emilia-tan, you, doing that…for…me…”
Yet his voice was shrill. His throat caught, and the next words wouldn’t come out.
Subaru couldn’t switch mental gears when he felt her soft fingertips stroking his forehead.
“You’re tired, aren’t you?”
“I—I can still do…more. I’m totally…all right…”
“Have you been having trouble?”
“You’re being so nice to me, I mean, I’m gonna blush. If you keep doing that, I’m…gonna… Ha-ha…”
Subaru’s reply to her brief question sounded like complete lies. Even he could tell that his words sounded hollow and empty.
Then Emilia gently drew her face close to Subaru’s.
“It’s been hard for you, hasn’t it?”
“—!”
She sounded like she pitied him. She sounded like she sympathized with him. She sounded like she cared for him.
That was all it took for Subaru’s walls to collapse.
They crumbled, fell apart, and came crashing down all at once.
All the powerful emotions he’d tried to keep bottled up hadn’t gone away in the slightest and came rushing out.
“It was…hard. It was really, rough. I was really, scared. I was really sad, enough that I thought I was gonna die. It hurt so much…!”
“Yeah.”
“I—I tried. I really tried. I did everything I could. I desperately tried to do everything right…! I did! Really, really. I’ve never tried to do anything that hard before!”
“Yeah, I know.”
“It’s because I like it here… This place, it’s precious to me…! That’s why I was dying to have it back. I was afraid. I was so afraid to see that day again…and I hated it. I hated myself for that!”
He couldn’t control his emotions.
The initial explosion had blown the dam wide open, a deluge of tears marring the smiling mask over his cowardly face.
The tears wouldn’t stop. His nose was runny. His mouth was awash in some sort of weird liquid as Subaru’s sobbing became harder to listen to with each passing moment.
It was a sorry sight: a grown man with his head on a girl’s lap, bawling his eyes out. It was pathetic enough that he could die, but the warmth filling him might just kill him, too.
Emilia made gentle sounds of understanding as she listened to Subaru weep.
There was no way she actually understood what Subaru was saying. And yet, the kindness of her voice brought relief to Subaru’s heart.
He didn’t understand why. Maybe he just wanted it to be so.
And so, a flood of tears flowed from Subaru as he continued to cry on Emilia’s lap.
He cried, he cried, he wailed, and at some point, the sobs faded into the distance.
—The only noise that filled the guest room after that was the sound of quiet sleep.
8
As Subaru sank into slumber, he felt the presence of heat deep inside his chest.
Subaru knew now what that emotion was.
The throbbing in Subaru’s chest had grown stronger each time he looked at Emilia, spoke with her, felt the touch of her fingertips—but he hadn’t had a name for it before.
When he thought of her, his body was afflicted by the hot pangs of that troublesome illness known as love.
Once a person became aware of it, he lost all will to fight against the disease.
Subaru was no exception. After all—
No matter how much he got hurt, no matter what pain he endured, no matter how often he tasted despair, it was all to save Emilia.
Everything was so he could spend his days walking by Emilia’s side.
—Even if Subaru Natsuki died again and again, that love would live on.
9
Emilia was gently stroking Subaru’s hair as he slept when Rem arrived at the guest room.
Opening the door without a sound, Rem saw Emilia inside and opened her mouth, but she closed it when Emilia put a finger to her own lips.
“Shh.”
Rem narrowed her eyes a bit, walking over as she looked at the two of them nestled close together on the floor.
“Subaru is merely asleep?”
“Yes. Hee-hee, he’s like a little boy. He looks so peaceful when I stroke his head like this.”
Emilia seemed to enjoy petting Subaru, as she prodded Rem for agreement. Rem replied with a quiet shake of her head.
“It seems Subaru will not be able to work any further today.”
“Yeah, he gets the rest of today off. He’s a very naughty boy for taking time off on his second day. When he’s all better, make sure to punish him, okay?”
Emilia made a small smile and returned to toying with Subaru’s head.
She appeared to have no intention of moving the sleeping Subaru to free up her legs. Rem, reading Emilia’s intent, quietly looked down at Subaru, who seemed to be deeply asleep.
Re:ZERO -Starting Life in Another World- Vol. 3 Page 3