Boyfriend

by Faye McCray

  “Which one was your first?”

  I turned over my right arm and pointed to a small three-dimensional star right below the inside of my elbow. I had gotten it at close to midnight on Lisa’s 18th birthday. She was getting her first tattoo above her breast. It was the word “Mighty” in cursive, a nickname her dad had given her when she was a kid. I could still hear her laughter as she lied to the tattoo artist and told him I was 19.

  “Why’d you get it?” Kerry asked running her thumb around it. I remember Lisa pointing to it on the wall of the small tattoo shop in SoHo. She looked so sexy leaned back in the chair with her bra down. I would have done anything she asked.

  “I was 14. It was just something to do, I guess,” I said shrugging looking at my star, which now, was practically buried beside my other tattoos. She looked back at me and smiled.

  “Were your parents mad?”

  I laughed to myself. The question was, did they notice? “They got over it.”

  She smiled and kissed me. “I think it’s sexy. I think they’re all sexy.”

  I leaned down and kissed her again, running my hand up her chest and massaging her breasts. I traced my fingers back down over her stomach and in between her legs. I unbuckled her jeans, stroking her over her panties as I kissed her. She moaned leaning into me.

  “Take off your clothes, baby.” I could feel myself getting hard, and I could feel her grow moist over her panties.

  She stood up and turned to face me, staring into my eyes and breathing deeply. She unbuttoned her cream colored blouse and let it fall to the floor. I leaned back into the couch as she pulled down her pants and stepped out of them. She started to reach for me, and I stopped her.

  “All your clothes,” I said letting my eyes roam all over her body. She smiled shyly and reached behind her back and unhooked her bra. I reached out my hand to take it from her and placed it on the couch beside me. She started to pull down her panties and I stopped her.

  “Turn around and do it,” I commanded. She turned around obediently, bending over and slipping her panties off at her feet. Her body was smooth and flawless. Even though we had been together a few months, her whole body still blushed a cherry brown when I saw her naked. It always turned me on. I unzipped my pants and put on a condom before she turned back around. Reaching out, I pulled her on top of me and slipped inside of her from behind. She whispered my name as I kissed her back. I ran my hands up and down her body moving inside her slowly. After a moment, I eased my hand along her back bending her over and pushed in harder. She grabbed my ankles as I thrust inside of her deeply.

  “Oh my God,” she yelled looking at me over her shoulder as I pounded over and over again. Her face was pinched with raw pleasure and I could tell she was enjoying the total loss of control. I pushed deeper, kneading into her ass with my fingers as I bounced her on top of me, remembering in that moment just how much I liked it that way and not at all surprised at how much she did too.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  I’d never been comfortable with happiness.

  I was 11 when my Aunt Laura died, and it hit me like one of those cartoon anvils from the sky. For Natalie and me, Aunt Laura was our safe place. With our parents, we were always slinking around, trying desperately to go unnoticed and blend in with the walls. At Aunt Laura’s, we were valued and loved. Like we mattered and we weren’t just unfortunate mistakes.

  Aunt Laura was plump, warm and always smelled like the sweet fruit from a pie she had made. She loved us as if we were her own and never spared an opportunity to tell us. Our days with her in North Carolina were spent running around her land, taking care of her animals, and swimming in a nearby lake. Each night, we’d squeeze in under each of her arms, our bellies full and legs tired, and listen to her read stories and sing songs. We’d fall fast asleep in her arms and feel completely shielded from the looming dysfunction.

  When our parents would return to get us after weeks away, she would look at them with a leery glare as if sizing them up before they could take us. I imagined one day she would just say no and keep Natalie and me for good. I think she did too.

  Natalie and I were playing in my room when my mother told us she was gone. She came in, sat down, and stared at us for a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “Your Aunt Laura died.”

  Natalie folded beside my mother’s feet, shaking her head as reality set in and tears fell from her face. My mother never bothered to tell us how or why. She just told us. Death was a bitter fact we had no choice but to accept.

  Ripping Aunt Laura away as if she had never been.

  My mother’s words replayed again and again in my head for a long time. Waking me up at night and sticking in the air. I pictured Aunt Laura lying somewhere as dead as a smashed rat on the subway tracks. Her eyes open and body still. The world we had made with her just as dead as she was.

  Aunt Laura’s funeral was a two weeks later, and we scattered her ashes in a pond on her land. We drove back up to New York in almost complete silence. My father fiddling with the radio once or twice before slapping the dashboard hard and saying, “Let’s just hope that dyke doesn’t go to hell.”

  My mother drank four beers from his six-pack that night.

  ***

  When my mother called me the last day of classes before summer break, I prepared myself to hear the worst. The cracks in the world I was building with Kerry were starting to form; I was preparing myself for it to shatter.

  “Junior?”

  “Hey,” I said, cradling the phone against my shoulder. I folded the book that was in my lap and stood up from where I sat on the living room floor.

  “It’s your mother.”

  “I know, Ma.” Kerry looked up at me from where she had been sitting beside me. We were studying for a final, and she was quizzing me using index cards she had made. She rose, touching my shoulder gently and heading into the kitchen.

  “How’re things?”

  “Good. You?”

  “Same,” she began. “Your dad is doin’ real good. Getting better. Up and walking around. He isn’t drinking too much neither.”

  I laughed to myself. The number of times I’d heard my mother tell that lie had genuinely become comical. “That’s great.”

  “Your sister left home.”

  “I know.”

  “You heard from her?” Her voice was suddenly animated.

  “She came through here a couple of weeks ago with some guy.”

  “Did she tell you she was pregnant?”

  “No.” I shook my head, rubbing the bridge of my nose with my finger. How hadn’t I noticed? Despite the loose fitting sweater she had worn, I remembered her looking thin. She may have been pregnant, but she certainly hadn’t looked pregnant.

  “I don’t even know if it’s true,” my mother continued. “She went crazy, Nate. You should have seen it. She was saying vicious things about your father and slamming stuff around. I thought she was going to hit me. You should have seen it, Junior.”

  Unable to respond, I just cleared my throat.

  “She said she was leaving with her baby. She said she was six weeks pregnant, and she didn’t want her baby anywhere near us.”

  I didn’t blame her.

  “You’ll tell me if you hear from her, right?” She sounded small and desperate. “She doesn’t have to come back here,” she added. “I just want to know she’s okay.”

  I was quiet.

  “You’ll tell me, right?” she repeated.

  “Yeah… yeah,” I said. I imagined my sister mustering up the courage to tell my mother what happened. Only to be turned away again. My mother had chosen my father over her. Her own daughter. But how could I judge her? I had turned my back on her too.

  “Good.” Her voice startled me out of my thoughts. “You’re okay, right?”

  “Yeah,” I repeated.

  “Okay, then.” She took a deep breath. “I’ll give you call some other time.”

  I turned off the phone, holding it for a mom
ent in my palm.

  “Everything okay?” Kerry asked coming back into the room and sitting beside me.

  I shrugged.

  “Did she hear from your sister?” Kerry eased her hand up my back and leaned her head on my shoulder.

  “No,” I said trying to picture what Natalie was doing and who she was with.

  She looked up at me like she was struggling to think of what to say next. “I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

  I was both surprised and impressed that she could be so naïve. Natalie wasn’t okay. I didn’t know if she ever would be. But in Kerry’s world, things always ended up being okay. How I wished I could be the type of person who lived in that world.

  “Want to order pizza?” she asked after a moment.

  I smiled and nodded.

  At least I could pretend I was.

  ***

  The afternoon after my last final, Kerry and I had lunch in a pavilion at Rock Creek Park, a large park in D.C. It had been two weeks since my mother had called, and I couldn’t get Natalie out of my head. Kerry had made us lunch to celebrate the end of the school year and also to cheer me up. She made baked ham and cheddar sandwiches and cookies. I loved Kerry, but she was a horrible cook. I knew from the minute she told me she was trying a recipe she had seen on a cooking show, it would be bad. I was right. With each bite of the sandwich she made, my mouth filled with partially melted butter and salt. She kept looking at me and frowning as I ate, barely touching her own sandwich.

  “I think I should have heated it longer or put some more cheese or something on it.” She slumped where she sat poking at her sandwich. “I think I also put way too much salt on it. The recipe probably said a teaspoon and I might have used a tablespoon,” she continued staring at me, my cheeks full of sandwich. I was trying to talk myself into swallowing but feared I would instantly die of a heart attack.

  “It’s good, baby,” I lied, forcing a large chunk of sandwich down my throat.

  Shit, that’s nasty, I thought as the food slid its way down.

  “The cookies are much better.” She pulled a tin of cookies out of the big bag she had packed.

  I leaned over and kissed her. “You’re amazing, baby.”

  She laughed. “That’s how I know you love me,” she started. “You eat my nasty food and tell me it’s good.”

  I laughed and kissed her again. This time I pulled her close to me. She kissed me back and pulled away, gesturing to a family spread out on a blanket in the grass not too far from where we sat. A couple sat on a blanket with their legs stretched as their three children ran in circles around them. “Slow down!” their mother yelled.

  “They aren’t paying attention to us,” I said trying to pull her back towards me.

  “Nate…” she protested.

  I shrugged, turning back to my sandwich.

  “I’m going to practice over the summer and by the time I come back, I’m going to cook you a meal so delicious you will be licking your plate,” she said after a moment, watching me take another bite.

  “Come back?” I asked. “Come back from where? Aren’t you staying here for the summer?” In two weeks, summer courses would start, and at Kerry’s suggestion, I was carrying a full course load so I could graduate on time. As far as I knew, she had enrolled too. Just one week ago, Kerry and I were looking at apartments she could sublet in D.C. for when the dorms closed.

  “I am,” she started. “My dad just… well, you know…”

  I took the last bite of my sandwich and chewed it slowly, waiting for her to continue.

  “My dad’s firm hires summer associates every year. You know, kids in law school?” She continued, “Well, they have an intern position in their Labor and Employment department at his office in New York, and he offered me the position.”

  I laughed. Score one for Dad, I thought. I was positive the sudden job opportunity was a way for Kerry’s Dad to get her away from me.

  “It’s not for the whole summer,” she said tugging at her ponytail. “It’s just for six weeks at the beginning of the summer.”

  “Seriously, Kerry?” I said laughing. I could feel myself getting angry. “Just six weeks? When were you going to tell me about this?”

  “I just found out, Nate,” she whispered, her eyes bouncing over to the family sitting in the grass.

  “Just?” I looked in her eyes, praying she wouldn’t lie to me. “We’ve been together for the past two days.”

  “I mean, I knew he was looking into it for a few weeks, but last night he called me and told me it was definite.” She reached her hand across the table trying to touch mine. I sat back in my seat, pulling my hand away and placing it on my lap.

  “When do you start?”

  “A week from Monday.”

  “Wow, it’s Sunday, Kerry.”

  “Baby, you know I want to stay here. It’s just his law firm never hires college students and my dad figured it would put me at an advantage in getting into law school...”

  “It’s cool. Congratulations.” I didn’t need her to explain why the opportunity was more important than what we had. With everything she had learned about me, I knew it was only a matter of time before Kerry would find a way out of the relationship. I could hear the ticking of the clock every time we kissed.

  “I’m going to miss you so much.”

  “It’s cool, Kerry.” I stood up. “Let’s get out of here. I forgot I was supposed to help Phil pick up some stuff for the apartment,” I lied.

  “Oh, yeah?” she said, standing. I nodded and she started to pack everything up. We barely spoke during the ride back to her dorm.

  CHAPTER NINE

  I didn’t talk to Kerry again until the day before she was supposed to leave. I ignored her calls and texts and picked up my hours at work. I knew why she had taken the internship. What I didn’t understand was why she waited so long to tell me. She had pushed me so hard to be honest but she couldn’t do the same for me.

  What I needed more than anything was to get high. But with summer classes starting in a week, I knew if I went down that road, I wasn’t going to graduate on time. Phil had gotten an internship at an investment firm in the D.C. area, so he was also staying through the summer. Unlike me, Phil could spend the night getting high and show up to work as if he had slept twelve hours.

  The morning before Kerry was supposed to leave, I finally picked up her call. Her parents were in town to help her move and she wanted to know if I wanted to finally meet them. They would be having dinner at The Capital Grille, an upscale restaurant not far from campus. Kerry apologized for waiting so long to tell me about New York and left it up to me whether I felt comfortable enough to go. I agreed to meet them at the restaurant for dessert after I got off from work. She hesitated but agreed.

  When I arrived at the restaurant, I was nervous. It felt like I was treading through quicksand as I followed the waitress to Kerry’s family’s table. A part of me expected them not to like me but another part of me hoped they would. Kerry had become the most important part of my world. I was ashamed at how much I just wanted to be a part of hers. As I approached the table, I was surprised to see Jayna with Kerry and her parents. Jayna smiled and nudged Kerry as I walked towards them. I hadn’t seen her since the night in the club, and I was unsure of how to greet her. I gave her a small wave as Kerry stood to greet me.

  “Nate,” Kerry said, smiling. She took my hand and guided me to the seat beside her, squeezing it before letting go.

  “This is my mother,” Kerry said gesturing toward her mother who stood in unison with her father. Her mother was petite with salt and pepper hair cut short and combed back from her face. She reminded me of the jazz singer, Nancy Wilson. She had Kerry’s big raven eyes but hers were less warm and far more rigid.

  I reached out for her hand, and she took mine. “Hello, Mrs. Wallace.”

  She flashed a small smile and nodded, looking over at Kerry’s father to study his reaction.

  “This is my dad,” Kerry said
as I turned to face her father, a tall man, wider than he looked in the picture. He stared at me and chuckled to himself. I couldn’t help but feel insecure at the sound of his laughter.

  “Nice to meet you, Mr. Wallace,” I said as he shook my hand, he squeezed tight and shook hard.

  “I was wondering if we ever would,” Mr. Wallace stated chuckling again. I laughed.

  We all sat.

  “Nate had to work so he could only come for dessert,” Kerry said, breaking the silence.

  “You told us that, sweetie,” Mrs. Wallace said curtly.

  “I work in a bookstore,” I offered. Mrs. Wallace nodded looking at her husband.

  “Nate, we don’t have much time here so I am going to cut to the chase,” Mr. Wallace chimed in. I swallowed, my throat suddenly feeling extremely dry. “Kerry told us about the unfortunate situation with your parents. It really is a testament to your character that you’re even here.”

  Confused, I looked at Kerry who looked away. Mr. Wallace tapped his glass and raised it in the waiter’s direction. The waiter nodded and scurried off to get him another round of whatever he was drinking. He couldn’t be talking about my parents. I couldn’t imagine Kerry telling her parents something so deeply personal, something that had been so difficult for me to share.

  “It’s no wonder you are having so much trouble graduating,” Mr. Wallace continued. He accepted the glass from the waiter and took a sip. “Now, you don’t have a problem with drinking, do you?”

  Shocked, I took a drink of my water, looking again at Kerry who refused to look at me.

  “Daddy…” Kerry whined. She tugged at her ponytail and shifted in her seat. She looked small and child-like, nothing like the woman who encouraged me to go to class or take myself seriously. It suddenly became very clear why it was so easy for her parents to have so much control over her life. She had never stopped playing their child.

  “Now, baby, I have a right to ask,” he said looking at Kerry. I could see her face soften.

  Feeling taken aback, my eyes rested on Jayna whose face was reflective of my disbelief. “Umm, no… I mean, I drink socially.”