by E. L. Todd
I called Marie.
“Hey.” Her voice was a lot perkier than it used to be. It seemed like she looked forward to talking to me, enjoying our conversations as much as I did. “Are you coming over?”
I didn’t want this conversation to be heard. “You alone?”
Her tone changed when she knew this talk would be a serious one. “She’s in her room.”
“I’m going to New York to see Hawke. You think you can handle her over the weekend?”
“Absolutely.”
“If she asks, tell her I had a work thing. I don’t want her to know where I really went.” I didn’t need to give her more of an explanation than that.
“Okay. Are you trying to patch things up with him?”
“No. He’s pestered me about coming to visit him and I caved.”
“Well, hope you guys have fun.”
All I could think about were her plans for the weekend. Was she going to see Cade? Would she see him if I wasn’t there to keep an eye on Francesca? Would I be a dick if I hoped that was the case? “Hope you have a good weekend too. I’ll see you when I get back.”
“Alright.” Instead of hanging up she stayed on the line.
Whatever affection I felt for her, I think she felt it for me too. I was always a little bit nervous around her, but in a good way. When I first made a move on her I wasn’t nervous in the least. But now…I watched what I said and the way I behaved. I could sense every moment of tension in the air. Whenever we spoke to each other, it was different than it was with everyone else. “I’ll text you when I get there.” Whoa, what? What the fuck did I Just say?
“Okay.” Her response was automatic, like she’d been expecting that answer before I even gave it.
What the hell was that?
***
I walked inside his apartment and took a look around. It was small—really small. And I suspected he was paying three times what he was paying in South Carolina. “It’s nice…”
“I know it’s a dump.” He grabbed a beer from the fridge and handed it over. “But it’ll do.”
I sat on a dark green couch in the center of his living room. An old TV sat on a plastic chair against the wall. There was a tiny window that looked over the city. The drab walls made the place feel foreign, dusty. “How’s your new job?”
“It’s alright. It’s better than being an intern.”
“I bet.” Anything was better than not getting paid. I took a drink of my beer and tried not to cringe when I realized how warm it was. Did his fridge work at all?
“Thanks for coming up. I would have made the drive down to see you but…” He didn’t finish the sentence because he didn’t need to.
“It’s alright.”
He sat on the opposite side of the chair, his elbows resting on his knees. The silence filled the air, and without saying anything I knew what he was thinking. It was only a matter of time before he asked about her. “How is she?”
Francesca wanted me to keep her struggles a secret, and I understood why. But I also wanted to lie to make my sister look better. Hawke left her for whatever reason, but I didn’t want him to know how much he destroyed her. “She’s okay. Just focusing on school and work.”
He couldn’t hide the surprise on his face. “So, she’s back into a routine?”
“Yeah. For the first two weeks she was a little lost but after that she was fine. There’s this baking contest at the college and she’s been preparing for that.” I even wanted to go as far as to say she was dating someone but I knew it wouldn’t be believable.
He picked at the label on the beer. “Good for her.”
“How about you?”
He shrugged. “I’ve been better. Just work and come home.”
“Made any…friends?” Even though he wasn’t with Francesca anymore it would tick me off if he were already sleeping around.
“No. I haven’t really spoken to anyone except for a few coworkers—and you.” His skin was deathly pale and he seemed a little thinner. His facial hair was unnaturally thick because he hadn’t shaved in weeks. His eyes looked hollow, like they would never light up again. His despair wasn’t as obvious as Francesca’s but it was clear he was suffering underneath the skin. Knowing that made me dislike him less. “I’m glad she’s doing better…I want her to be happy.”
It didn’t seem like she’d ever be happy without him. “She’s a fighter. She bounces back from everything.”
“I know. That’s why I love—” He cleared his throat and took a long drink.
I stared out his pitiful window because I didn’t know how else to brush off his final words. Even though I didn’t understand why they went their separate ways I understood one thing.
They really did love each other.
***
We watched the game at a bar. It was better than sitting in his tiny apartment with his TV that looked ancient. Plus, the beer was cold.
“What’s new with you?” Hawke’s eyes lingered on the TV for a moment before he looked at me.
Nothing. I spent all my time at Francesca’s in a futile attempt to put her back together. “Just work.”
“Seeing anyone?”
I didn’t have time for that either. “No. I’ve had to work a lot of hours at the office since you left.” It was a lie and it was cruel, but I didn’t care.
Hawke didn’t seem to care either. “Nothing else happened with Marie?”
The mention of her name made me tense involuntarily. “Why would anything else happen with her…?”
He watched me with a raised eyebrow. “Because you said she’s the best sex you’ve ever had…” He held his glass on the table but didn’t take a drink. He was scrutinizing me, reading every reaction my face made. “Why are you being weird right now?”
“I’m not being weird.”
Hawke didn’t look at the TV again. “If you hunched any further you’d look like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.”
I turned my attention to the game and tried to ignore him.
But he didn’t look away. “Axel…”
“What?” I barked. “I haven’t slept with her.”
“Well, something happened.”
“Dude, nothing has happened. My dick has been in my pants—the zipper shut tight.”
Hawke wasn’t buying it. “When your voice gets high and you squirm like that, I know you’re hiding something. We tell each other everything. So, what’s up?”
“I haven’t slept with Marie.” It was the truth and nothing but the truth.
“You’ve said that already, but something else must be going on.”
“There’s not.”
“You have feelings for her?”
“Psh. Hell no.” I looked out the window, doing anything to ignore his gaze.
“Are we in second grade right now?”
“You tell me.” I didn’t have a single comeback up my sleeve so I blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
Hawke didn’t say anything else but he didn’t need to. He stared me down, silently interrogating me.
I cracked. “I’ve been seeing her a lot lately and…I don’t know. I notice I pay a lot of attention to her.”
He didn’t touch his beer or look at the TV.
“Like, I notice all the tiny freckles on her face when she doesn’t wear make up. Whenever she’s in the room I recognize her scent before I even see her. When she laughs I immediately think of a summer day. All these weird things…I don’t know what to make of it.”
The corner of his lip turned up slightly.
I didn’t like that look at all.
“You’re into her.”
“Am not.” I sounded like a child even to my own ears.
“Big time.”
“Dude, no.” I rubbed the back of my neck even though there wasn’t a kink.
“What’s the big deal if you are?” he asked. “Marie is pretty cool.”
“I’m just not into her, okay? She’s pretty, sweet, and funny but that’s it.”
&
nbsp; He raised an eyebrow.
“She hums under her breath in this cute way when she cleans the house but I hardly even notice it.”
Hawke started to smile again.
“I don’t have feelings for her.”
“Axel, I don’t see what the problem is. If you like her, go for it.”
That had disaster written all over it. “I’m not ready for that.” I looked out the window and recalled a memory that would scar me for life.
“Ready for what, exactly?”
“Anything serious. I’m just not into it.”
“Why?” he pressed.
I took a drink of my beer to avoid the question.
“Axel, you can talk to me.”
I didn’t like heart-to-heart talks with dudes. The only person I had a somewhat serious conversation with was Marie. “I’m not boyfriend material. We both know that.”
“How do you know? You’ve never tried.”
“I just do. Let’s leave it at that.”
Hawke hadn’t touched his beer in a long time and didn’t seem like he was going to. “I felt the same way before…her.” He never said her name anymore, only referring to her passively. “But when I fell in love I just knew what to do. It comes naturally.”
“I’m not in love with her, Hawke.”
“Whatever. When you find someone you like you know how to behave.”
I didn’t agree with that. I’d been doing a lot of stupid stuff lately, like texting her when I got here, like we were something more than friends.
“Just ask her out on a date.”
“No.”
“Why?” he pressed.
“I just…” It was hard to explain in words. I understood my feelings but not well enough to describe to another person. “I’m still bitter and angry about what my dad did. I know it’s been years but I’ll never really get over it.”
Hawke’s face fell in sadness, clearly not expecting me to bring it up.
“He’s the biggest coward I’ve ever met in my life. I’m actually ashamed to call him my father. He deserted Francesca and I without looking back. I’ll never be able to understand what he could have possibly thought to justify putting a barrel in his mouth. But whatever the case…I’m afraid I’m just like him.”
He didn’t blink as he watched me, his blue eyes glued to my face.
“What kind of husband will I be?” Now I was talking to myself more than anything else. “When things get difficult will I just turn my back like my father did? If I am in a relationship will I take off the second we hit a bump in the road? I still have nightmares about what I saw when I walked into that house. I’m not emotionally stable enough to have any kind of intimacy with someone. Just looking at Marie…makes me uncomfortable sometimes.”
Hawke remained silent, just watching me.
I stared at my beer because I was too awkward to look at him. I just dumped a bunch of emotional bullshit on him. “Forget I said anything…I should have kept my mouth shut.”
“Axel, you’re nothing like your father.”
“How would you know?” I said bitterly.
“Francesca.” It was the first time he said her name, and he swallowed the lump in his throat after he said it. “You always look after her—no matter what. Even when it annoys the shit out of her you’re there for her. You’re just her brother and her well-being isn’t your problem but you always take care of her. That’s more than enough reason.”
“It’s not the same thing…”
“It is,” he said firmly. “I understand your doubts and your emotional insecurity but if you find someone you really love it fixes all of that.”
“I don’t love Marie.”
“Well, if you gave her a chance you might.”
I wanted to throw his words back in his face. He talked about love like he knew it so well, but here he was in New York City while Francesca was sobbing in her bedroom.
“My point is, just keep an open mind.”
“I’ve never done the boyfriend thing. I doubt I’m good at it.”
“Just take it slow.”
“I don’t know how to treat her…” I shook my head. “It’s just too complicated for me.”
“You always said you would commit to a woman if you found the right one.”
“Well…maybe Marie isn’t the right one.”
“Or you’re a pussy.”
I glared at him.
“Prove me wrong.” He held my gaze without backing down.
I quickly realized what he was doing. “Not gonna work, man.”
“Let me put this into terms that you’ll understand.” He leaned over the table and lowered his voice. “Marie is a pretty girl. She’s smart, sophisticated, funny, and loyal. If you’ve noticed these characteristics someone else is bound to as well. So, get in there before someone else stakes a claim.”
I was already too late. “She’s seeing this guy…”
“Are they serious?”
“She says they aren’t but I know she’s sleeping with him.”
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
It does to me. “I already missed my chance so there’s no point in talking about this.”
“If she says they aren’t serious you can still make a move.”
I didn’t want to compete with anyone. And I didn’t want to disrupt her happiness—if that’s what she felt. “No.” Sometimes I felt something between us, some kind of hum in the air, and I was pretty certain she felt it too. But that could just be a figment of my imagination.
Hawke sighed in defeat, irritated with my response. “Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
“You’re acting like I’m in love with this girl. I’m not.”
Hawke leaned back in the booth and stared me down. A question or statement was about to escape his lips, but it wasn’t clear which one it would be. Nearly a full minute passed before he opened his mouth. “Axel, have you slept with anyone since Marie?”
I refused to meet his gaze because my heart just fell into my stomach. On display, my emotions burned like a fire. I wanted to crawl under the table and hide. For the first time I actually felt ashamed for an answer I was about to give.
“Axel?” He pressed the question on me even though he already knew the answer.
My throat felt dry like I hadn’t had a glass of water in years. When I swallowed it actually hurt. Like a dog that couldn’t look at his owner after pissing all over the carpet, I avoided his gaze. “No.”
Sorrow
Marie
Like always, Francesca was a living corpse. She didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, or eat anything. If I didn’t pester her to get out of bed, shower, and eat something, she probably would have died by now.
It was a type of sorrow I couldn’t understand. I was there when both of her parents passed away. She was devastated, but what she felt now was completely different.
I wish I could fix this.
On Sunday night, I tried to convince her to go to school the following day. “Frankie, you’ve been moping around for too long now.”
“I don’t care.” She lay on the couch, wearing the same pajamas she’d been wearing all week.
“Axel and I can cover for you but we can’t do everything.”
“I never asked you to do that.” Her voice always held the same tone, one of pure boredom.
“Well, I’m obligated to do that. You’re my best friend.”
She slowly got off the couch, like her body was failing her. “You aren’t obligated to do anything, Marie. Don’t let my misery ruin your life.” She walked down the hall and shut her bedroom door.
I stayed on the couch and stopped myself from screaming. I missed my best friend, the feisty and badass chick I used to know. Nothing could bother her. She was like a concrete wall that an army could never break through.
But now she was as good as dead.
My phone rang and I looked at the screen.
It was Axel.
Anytime I saw hi
s name on my phone my heart did a tiny somersault. I suddenly grew nervous, feeling my mouth go dry. A tiny burst of excitement exploded inside me. When the nerves faded away I answered it. “Hello?”
“Hey.” Static sounded behind him, like he was driving.
“Hi.” I already said that but I said it again. I listened to the sound of his moving car, wondering where he was and if he was coming by.
“Hey…” Now he listened to the static over the line, probably listening to my voice over the speakers of his Bluetooth.
“So…how’d it go?”
“Fine. I’m on my way home now.”
“How far away are you?”
“About an hour.”
So he wasn’t coming by. Disappointment flooded through me.
“How is she?”
I kept the bitterness out of my voice. “The same.”
He sighed into the phone. “Come on, Frankie…”
I was disappointed too, even though I would never actually tell her that. “How is he?”
“He’s upset too. But he’s better at hiding it.”
If they were both so miserable why weren’t they just together? “I hate them both.”
“I know what you mean.”
I sat on the couch and listened to the static again.
He didn’t say anything for a long time, but he didn’t try to get off the phone either.
I didn’t have these kinds of conversations with Cade. Was that a good thing? Or a bad one? Actually, we didn’t talk on the phone at all. All we ever did was text.
“Well, I should go. I just wanted to check in.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Alright. Good night.”
“Drive safe. Good night.”
He didn’t hang up. The background noise still played. He waited for me to hang up first.
I listened to the sound for a moment longer, taking it in as comfort.
Then I hung up.
***
While juggling my classes, I took care of picking up Francesca’s assignments from other students in her classes. I had to hunt them down and make copies of everything I needed. I already had enough on my plate, but I would do anything for my best friends.
After class I finally got into my car and headed home. There was a stack of papers sitting beside me that made me depressed just thinking about it. Axel and I would spend all our free time working on it before submitting it online. My life had suddenly become extremely boring.