by E. L. Todd
I paced in the lobby and gripped my phone in my hand. Every time I walked past the nurses’ station I eyed the one in charge and hoped she would say something to me, giving me some kind of news.
My phone lit up when Axel called me.
“Hey,” he said into the phone. “You got Francesca out of the house?”
I didn’t even think of calling him. I just got to the hospital and I was panicking. It slipped my mind. “Francesca swallowed my whole bottle of painkillers and now I’m at the emergency room waiting for news. I don’t know if she’s going to be okay. I don’t even know where she is.” My voice broke and the tears fell in waves.
“Oh my god…”
“I’m at the hospital.”
“Is she going to be okay?”
“I don’t know…” I kept pacing in the waiting room, aware of the people staring at me. I could feel their looks but I didn’t care.
“Fuck. I’ll be right there.” He hung up.
I kept the phone to my ear because I was so numb. I continued to pace the waiting room, unable to sit still for even a moment.
***
Axel ran to me when he saw me. “Have you heard anything?”
“No.” My eyes were still wet from the tears that would fall at any second.
Axel’s face was paler than milk. Even his lips were white. He didn’t just look scared—he looked terrified. “How did this happen…?”
“My shift ended early so I came home…and found her like that. She was laying on the bathroom floor with the empty bottle in her hand.”
“How many pills were in there?”
“At least thirty…”
“Jesus Christ.” He gripped his skull like it might explode.
“My manager let me go early because it was slow…but what if he hadn’t. What if I got home when I was supposed to and she was already dead?”
He stared at the ground.
“Axel, I’m scared.”
“Did you talk to her today?”
“No…not since this morning.” I heard her crying just before I left but I didn’t walk in there. I should have said something to her, consoled her.
Axel froze when the realization washed over him. He was thinking the same thing I was thinking. “It’s because of what I said. It’s because of me.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and held onto myself tightly, trying not to shake uncontrollably. I wanted to tell him that wasn’t the truth, that he couldn’t be more wrong. She did this for another reason, one neither of us contributed to. But in my heart, I knew that wasn’t true.
Axel collapsed into the nearby chair and leaned forward, devastated by the realization.
I sunk into the chair beside him, barely able to breathe. All I could hear were nurses traveling back and forth down the hallway. Phones rang at the desks, and the rest of the visitors in the lobby talked quietly to themselves. While I was surrounded by so many people I felt completely alone.
Alone.
***
Finally, we got some news.
“Is she okay?” Axel jumped to his feet and got into the nurse’s face.
“What’s going on?” I was right by his side, just as eager.
“Please tell me she’s okay.” Axel was just as devastated as I was, probably more so.
The nurse raised both of her hands to silence us. “The doctor is pumping her stomach now. We won’t know anything for a while.”
“Pumping her stomach?” I asked.
“What does that mean?” Axel asked.
“Hopefully, we’re quick enough to remove the toxins before they reach her liver. If not, she could have organ failure. It’s unclear when she took the pills so we can’t be sure until the procedure is done.”
“When will that be?” I asked.
“At least another hour.”
I couldn’t believe this was happening. Francesca was getting her insides pumped out because she tried to overdose. Why did I leave those pills lying around? Why didn’t I realize her depression was more serious? I should have intervened. I should have done something. “Please keep us posted…”
“You know I will.” She gave both of us a look of sympathy before she returned to the hallway.
Axel and I stood there, both shaken up.
“If she dies…” He shook his head, his eyes coating with tears. “I can’t…”
The pain on his face made my heart break. I could feel his guilt seep through my skin. All of his regrets wrapped around me, suffocating me. I grabbed him and gripped him tightly, holding him fiercely. “She’ll be okay, Axel.”
He buried his face into my neck and breathed deeply. A few drops fell onto my neck and dissolved onto the skin. Without tasting them I could sense the salt. His pain hurt more than my own simply because his happiness meant the world to me.
I closed my eyes and tried to clear my thoughts. If I thought about it too much I would break down again. Right now, I needed to be there for Axel. He already lost his mother and his father.
And now he might lose his sister.
After more than an hour of waiting I asked the question I didn’t want to ask. “Should we call him?”
Axel held my hand in his, his eyes on the carpet. “No.”
“Are you sure…?” I would never understand why he left, but I believed he really loved her.
“He’s not in her life anymore.” His voice lacked any emotion. Currently, he was numb.
“Okay.” I didn’t want to press the argument, not right now. “Then I need to call Yaya.”
“Let’s wait and see what the doctor says. Then we’ll know what kind of phone call we’re about to make.”
I think she needed to know now but I didn’t press that either. It was Axel’s family and I would do whatever he wanted. There was no sense in putting more pressure on him when he was about to crack.
The nurse returned and I almost jumped out of my own skin. “Axel. She’s here.”
Axel rose to his feet quicker than the naked eye could follow. “What’s going on?”
“That girl is lucky.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “The doctor was able to remove most of the toxins from her system. Some of it got through and she’ll have to suffer through that on her own but she should make it.”
“Thank god…” My heart actually stopped beating.
Axel covered his face and took a loud breath. “Shit.”
“Can we see her?” I pleaded.
“She’ll be out for a long time but you can wait in her room. Come with me.” She guided us down the hall into the patient room. Francesca was lying in bed with tubes inserted every way imaginable. She was breathing on her own but she looked dead. If I didn’t see her chest rise and fall I would assume the worst.
“Take a seat.” The nurse shut the door behind her.
Axel and I took the seats at her bedside. All we could do was stare at her, seeing the nearly dead corpse. A ventilator was lodged in her throat, and the machine beeped every time carbon dioxide was released.
I couldn’t believe this.
Axel stared at her, just as speechless.
I grabbed her hand on the bed and felt the cold skin. She was freezing.
“Frankie…” Axel approached the bed and rested a hand on her arm. He seemed to be listening for a pulse, to make sure she was still on this side of life. He stared down at her with watery eyes and a quivering lip. “I’m here.”
I looked at the ground to give him some privacy with his sister.
“I’m sorry for everything that I said. Truth is, I couldn’t live without you. So, please come back to me.” He gave her a gentle squeeze before he returned to the seat beside me.
“I’ll give Yaya a call.”
He nodded.
I stepped out into the hall and made the call, grateful I had some good news in light of the bad.
***
Nearly two days later, she woke up.
Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at the ceiling for several second
s, unsure where she was or how she was alive. She didn’t blink, processing the room and the tube down her throat. Her hand automatically reached for it, wanting to remove it.
Axel grabbed her hand. “Hold on. I’ll get the doctor.”
She flinched when she saw Axel’s face. She stared at him hard, taking in every feature. Then the remorse flashed across her face. It wasn’t clear if she was relieved or disappointed that her plan failed.
Axel retrieved the doctor, who removed the intubator from her throat. Once it was gone, she immediately breathed on her own. Her hand reached for her sore throat and she coughed a few times.
The three of us stared at her, grateful she was alive.
Francesca pulled her knees to her chest and stared straight ahead, not making eye contact with any of us. The shame of her actions kicked in immediately. She knew exactly what she put us through and now she couldn’t handle it. She knew Axel was about to scream at her, to make her feel even worse.
Axel stood up and approached the bed. Then he took a seat beside her, his legs hanging off the edge.
She still didn’t look at him.
Axel took her hand, being affectionate with her in a way he never was before. “I’m so glad you’re okay. I was scared.”
Her hand was lifeless in his but she didn’t pull it away.
“We were all scared,” he continued. “We weren’t sure if you were going to make it.”
Heavy drops formed in her eyes but they didn’t drop into tears. Her breathing increased, her chest rising and falling noticeably.
“Francesca.” He wrapped both of his hands around hers. “I’m so sorry for what I said. I was too harsh with you. I was just scared…and I didn’t show it very well. I wish I could take it back.”
She closed her eyes for a long time, and when they opened the tears fell down her cheeks. “Axel…I’m the one who should apologize.” Her voice was so raspy she didn’t sound like herself at all. But they were still her words. “I’m so sorry I hurt you like this. I was out of my mind and did something stupid…it wasn’t your fault.”
“It was. I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. Don’t blame yourself.”
The interaction was intimate and I felt terrible for being there. I wanted to walk out but I thought that would draw unnecessary attention to myself.
“Promise me you won’t do this again.” His voice was quiet but full of pleas.
“I promise.” She looked him in the eye.
“None of us would be able to go on without you, Francesca. I hope you know that.”
She nodded, more tears coming. “I’m sorry I hurt you so much, Axel. You don’t deserve it.”
“It’s okay.” He patted her hand. “You’re here and that’s all that matters. We’ll work on making you better. I didn’t realize how bad it was.” He leaned in and gave her a hug, making sure he didn’t touch any of the tubes still connected to her body.
I sniffed because their reunion was getting me choked up.
Axel pulled away and kissed her on the forehead.
I’d never seen him show that kind of affection with his sister. And I had a feeling I would never see him do it again.
He returned to his seat then looked at me, giving me the floor.
I sat at the edge of her bed but couldn’t think of anything to say. There was too much emotion in my heart to get anything out. I looked into her eyes and felt the unbridled tears emerge.
Francesca cried with me.
“I love you.” I wrapped my arms around her.
“I love you too. I’m so sorry…”
“It’s okay.” I felt her bones in my fingers because she was so small. She felt sickly, like a skeleton.
“I promise I’ll never do anything like that again.”
“I know. Once you’re free to go we’ll work on getting you better.”
“Okay,” she whispered.
I pulled away and tried to give her a smile but I was certain it came out as a grimace. “And you’re going to start baking again. The house just doesn’t smell the same.”
She smiled but it was weak. “Okay.”
I fixed her hair and pulled it over one shoulder, cleaning her up as much as I could. “Are you hungry?”
She shook her head.
I kept staring at her.
“I mean, yes.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “Please bring all the food you can carry.”
I rested my hand on hers. “That’s better.”
***
Yaya went home to get some sleep, and Axel had to be at the office. I blew off classes because I didn’t want Francesca to be alone. Despite her suicide attempt she seemed better.
Francesca watched the TV in the corner, a daytime soap opera. “You don’t have to stay with me. I know you have class.”
“It’s sociology class…boring.” I flipped through an old issue of People Magazine.
“Well…thanks for keeping me company.”
“Of course.” I could take her home in a few days, but for now she was on observation. A psychiatrist came down and spoke to her and cleared her mental state. Whatever episode she had was over. “Frankie…what exactly happened?” I’d wanted his answer for a while, but I didn’t want to hear it in front of the others.
She grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. “It wasn’t pre-meditated.”
“What does that mean?”
“I wasn’t planning on doing it. When I went to use the bathroom I was still in tears over the conversation I had with Axel. I just felt…absolutely numb. There was no point to anything anymore. Everything he said was true. I was a pathetic excuse for a person and incredibly weak.” She shook her head slightly. “I saw that bottle of painkillers and I didn’t hesitate. I just swallowed them.”
I kept my voice steady and my face stoic. “So, you wanted to die?”
“No…I just didn’t want to live anymore.”
“Because Hawke is never coming back?”
“Yes…but not really. In that moment it was out of hopelessness. Axel painted a picture for me that I couldn’t get out of my head. I saw myself in his eyes and…I didn’t like what I saw.”
I would never tell Axel any of this.
Francesca fell quiet, staring at the remote in her hand. “Please don’t tell him I said that…”
“I won’t.”
“Thank you.” She set the remote on the table at her bedside.
“Do you still feel that way?” In a few weeks would an episode like this happen again? Did Axel and I need to keep a better eye on her?
“No. I can’t believe I put you guys through this at all. And I don’t want to go back to an unbearable existence. I need to get back on my feet and move forward. I don’t like who I am anymore…”
It was the greatest progress she ever made. “You can do it, Frankie.”
“Right now it seems too difficult but I have to try. I miss the person I used to be.”
“I miss her too.”
She clenched the sheets under her tiny fingers. “I’m so sorry, Marie. I know I’ve put you through so much these past few months. You didn’t deserve that…”
“It’s okay.” I would never hold a grudge against my closest friend.
“I’ll get better,” she whispered. “I promise.”
At least something good happened in the midst of a tragedy. “I know you will.”
She lay back on her pillow, her tangled hair scattering around her. She looked out the window and stared at the sunny day. Then she turned back to me, her eyes giving away the question before she asked it. “Does he know…?”
I knew whom she was referring to. Axel said we shouldn’t call him, and I agreed with him. Seeing Francesca at her lowest point would make him pity her. And if that was the only reason he came back, he shouldn’t come back at all. “No.”
Her expression didn’t change.
“Unless you want me to tell him.”
&nb
sp; She considered the question quietly, her thoughts circling in her mind. Then she shook her head. “No.”
I assumed that’s what she would have wanted. “You’re going to get better, Frankie. Let’s just take it one step at a time.”
***
I stood in the hallway with Axel. He just returned from the cafeteria and handed me a coffee, the crappy kind from the vending machine. He sipped it then made a face. “How is she?”
“I think she’s better.”
“Yeah?” he asked. “I think so too.”
“Sometimes you have to hit rock bottom before you can get up again.”
“I guess.” He held the Styrofoam cup in his hand, the steam drifting toward the ceiling.
“I think she’s going to be okay. This experience has made her realize she needs to get back on her feet and move forward.”
“She said that?”
I nodded.
“I just can’t believe it came to that…did she say why?”
I’d never tell him his words were the trigger. “She just misses him…”
He looked into his cup and fell silent. “I wish they never got together…”
“I wish they were still together.” I’d never seen Frankie happier than when she was with him.
“I guess…”
“Everything is easier from this point onward. We’ll take it one day at a time, and eventually she’ll be back to normal. She’ll find herself again, and this time she’ll be stronger.”
“I hope you’re right.” He eyed the door but didn’t walk inside. His usual vigor for life was absent, non-existent. “I really hate her sometimes. I don’t mean that in a joking way. I mean it literally. There are times when I wish she weren’t in my life. But…times like this remind me how much I need her.”
My hand moved to his wrist.
“It’s just like my dad all over again…”
“But Frankie isn’t going anywhere. She’s staying right here.”
He nodded.
“And she’s not going to pull a stunt like that again. I believe her.”
“I believe her too.”
I stood on my tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. “We’ll get through this together. I promise.”
He wrapped one arm around my waist and held me close. His chin rested on my head and he breathed a deep sigh, letting his grief escape in a single breath.