by E. L. Todd
Regret
Axel
I’d never felt so shitty in my life.
When I lost my temper I screamed at Francesca, unsure how else to express myself. I put her down in so many ways, and this was the straw that finally broke the camel’s back.
It was my fault.
My sister was always a strong person. When our parents died she was grief-stricken but never immobile. She still carried on with school, work, and her relationships. She was more quiet than usual, but she was still around. Actually, I was the one who took Dad’s suicide worse. I took it as a direct insult to both Francesca and I. To this day, I still hadn’t forgiven him for the despicable action he took.
When Francesca withdrew from the world and barricaded herself in her bedroom I should have known something serious was going on. Instead of yelling at her I should have been more supportive. I was putting all my anger toward our father onto her.
How would I ever come back from this?
When she was released from the hospital I could breathe a little easier. She really was back to full health and allowed to walk away. Her mental state was still broken but at least her body was functioning.
No one said a word on the drive home. Marie sat in the passenger seat while Francesca sat in the back. I drove, my eyes moving to the rearview mirror to check on her. Every time I looked at her she was staring out the window.
We arrived at the house and walked inside. The place was messy from the way we left it. No one had cleaned anything up, and piles of books and binders were still on the kitchen table.
Francesca stood in the entryway and looked around, like it was her first time really seeing it.
Marie and I stood absolutely still, unsure what she would do.
Francesca looked at the kitchen, and after a full minute of staring she walked inside. She opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of eggs and baking soda. Then she pulled out a mixing bowl and a few pans.
I held my breath.
Francesca pre-heated the oven then quietly began to work, mixing the batter in the bowl.
This was really happening.
She was baking.
Marie looked at me and gave me a smile I hadn’t seen in a long time.
And I actually smiled back.
***
Now that Francesca was up and about, I didn’t sleep over anymore. It was too difficult to sneak around without getting caught. Francesca was quiet and still not eating right, but she was more perceptive.
I walked in the house with a box of pizza in my hands. “Who’s hungry?”
“I am.” Marie sat at the kitchen table with her school stuff surrounding her.
Francesca was in the kitchen, making more muffins. The place was littered with baked goods, more than enough to feed everyone in town. “You want a muffin, Axel?”
I was sick of muffins. I might actually throw up. “Sure.”
She handed me one then returned to the kitchen.
I sat at the table and ripped off a huge piece and shoved it into my pocket. She didn’t need to know the difference.
Marie gave me a smile.
After Francesca finished washing the dishes she sat down beside Marie. “What did I miss?”
Marie pushed the notes toward her. “I got this from the guy in your econ class. You have an exam on Friday.”
“Alright.” She pulled it toward her and began to read.
I piled a few slices of pizza on a plate and slid it toward Marie. But then I realized my odd behavior and pulled it back, hoping Francesca didn’t notice anything. “Going back to school?”
“Tomorrow,” Francesca said. “I’m so behind but I think I’ll pass everything.”
“You should,” Marie said. “We kept up with everything for you. Just try to get C’s on all your exams.”
Francesca nodded. “So much for graduating with honors…”
She threw that away two months ago. “You’re still graduating and that’s an accomplishment.”
“I’m really proud of you.” I took every opportunity to say something positive to her, to encourage her to keep going. With all the negativity I fed her I felt like an asshole.
She met my look and searched my gaze for sincerity. When she found it she looked down again. “Thanks so much for being here for me…I appreciate it.”
“Of course,” Marie said. “We’ll be here no matter what.”
“Yeah,” I said in agreement.
“There’s one favor I have to ask of you…” She set her pen down.
“What?” Marie asked.
“I never want to speak of him again.” Her voice was surprisingly emotionless, void of any kind of feelings. “I want to act like it never happened. That’s the only way I’ll move forward.”
We didn’t talk about him much anyway, so it wasn’t a big sacrifice. “You got it.”
“Whatever you need,” Marie said.
Francesca returned her gaze to her notes. “Thank you.” She flipped through the page and tried to make sense of everything she missed. Not once did she complain but she didn’t look happy either.
Marie grabbed a muffin off the tray and took a bite even though she was sick of them. She broke off a few pieces and chewed, her small mouth making nearly mute bites.
I eyed her mouth and thought of other things that I shouldn’t. I hadn’t kissed her in so long I forgot what it felt like. With Francesca’s demise I hadn’t thought of anything else. My need for affection and intimacy had disappeared. But now that I watched Marie across the table those feelings started to come back.
We would have to tell Francesca the truth eventually, but I’d rather wait as long as possible. When she was back to normal, finding steady ground, then I would reveal the truth. Not being able to spend time with Marie was unbearable but it was a small sacrifice to make in comparison to what was truly important.
***
Francesca walked inside and tossed her books on the table. She didn’t say a single word but she didn’t need to. Her frustration filled the air around her. It was a nice change compared to her usual depression.
“How’d it go?”
“I’m pretty sure I failed it.” She slumped down into the chair. Even though she was hardly a hundred pounds at this point, her body hit the chair like she weighed so much more.
“Well, you did your best.” I didn’t expect her to do much better. She’d been absent for the past few months. Even if she studied every minute of the day it was impossible for her to memorize all the material.
“I guess…I’ll just have to do better if I want that diploma.”
I just finished making a sandwich and I placed that in front of her. “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you had to stay an extra semester and make up those classes.” It would cost a lot of money and waste more time, but it was better than not getting a degree at all.
“Hopefully, it doesn’t come to that.”
I pushed the sandwich closer to her.
She eyed it with that usual look.
I stared her down and silently threatened her.
She grabbed the sandwich and took an enormous bite, practically rolling her eyes.
That saved me from making a speech. “People ask any questions?”
“Yeah,” she said as she continued eating. “I told them I was sick with pneumonia, which led to bronchitis. I turned on my phone and my message box was totally full with voicemails and text messages.”
“Because a lot of people care about you.”
She paused and stared at her sandwich. Then she took another bite.
“Maybe you’ll start dating soon…” Was it to soon to push her in that direction?
“Maybe.” She ate the handful of chips I put on her plate.
Maybe was better than no. I had a few friends I might be able to set her up with, but they were a little older. My sister was pretty so she could get her own dates but I wasn’t sure how much effort she would give it.
“What’s new with you?”
“Me?” All I could think about was Marie.
“Yeah. How’s work and stuff?”
“Work is pretty much the same. I’m overworked and underpaid.”
“Anything else?”
Marie came into my mind again. “Not really.” I’d spent nearly all my time at Francesca’s place so my answer should be enough.
“Seeing anyone?”
“No.” I blurted it out too quickly, my voice sounding like it belonged to someone else entirely.
Francesca eyed me with a raised eyebrow.
“I mean, I’ve hooked up with a few girls but that’s it.”
“That thing with Marie never happened again?”
Marie told her? “No, we’re just friends.” Friends that liked to make out.
Francesca spread out her things on the kitchen table. “I’ll have to get another job. Not sure where to start.”
“The Grind won’t take you back?”
“I doubt it. I never even quit. Why would they take me back?”
Maybe I could work something out with them. “It’s just for a few more months anyway. I can cover your bills until then.”
“You don’t need to help me, Axel. I’ll figure it out.”
“I really don’t mind. It’s not a big deal.”
“You’ve helped me enough. You have your own stuff to take care of.” She opened her laptop then searched for job offerings in the area.
“I just mean, you’re going to graduate in a few months and start a career. Does it really make any sense for you to find some part-time job just to quit soon? Just focus on school right now. That’s the most important thing.” Francesca was fairly reasonable so I knew she would respond to my logic.
“I don’t know…”
“Just think about it.”
She exited out of the page. “I guess I will.”
***
I hadn’t spent any time with Marie because Francesca was always in the way. Just a week ago I had a girlfriend, and now it felt like it never happened. I was sitting at home when I texted her. Come over tonight.
Sleep over?
Yeah. I missed sleeping with her. There was something oddly satisfying about having her in my arms. It chased away all the stress and gave me a strong sense of comfort. With her, I was at peace.
What am I going to say to Frankie?
Tell her to mind her own business.
Axel. The single word straightened me out.
Tell her you’re seeing someone. She doesn’t need to know who it is.
I just think it’s strange for me to leave her home all alone. It doesn’t seem believable.
Then sneak me in.
I don’t know…
I was going crazy over here. I had a beautiful woman all to myself but I couldn’t enjoy her. Either sneak me in or I’m breaking in. Your choice.
You’re ridiculous.
You think I’m joking? I’d break into her bedroom window if I had to.
Maybe we should just tell her.
Let’s wait a while. We can’t drop too much on her too fast.
You’re right.
Did that mean I was getting my way? So…
Come over at eleven. She’s usually asleep by then.
Yes. See you then.
***
At eleven, I arrived at her doorstep. I’m here.
Hold on. A few minutes later the front door cracked open. She poked her head out and waved me inside with her hand.
I didn’t make a sound as I stepped on the floorboards of the house.
Marie locked the door behind me then pulled me down the hall toward her bedroom. Just when we were halfway there, Francesca’s door opened.
Oh shit.
Marie dragged us into the spare bathroom and shut the door as quickly as possible.
I locked it just in case.
Instead of walking past us Francesca knocked on the door. “Marie?”
My heart was beating so fast I thought I might die.
“Uh…yeah?” Marie gave me a hysterical look like she didn’t know what to do.
“Everything alright?” Francesca asked.
“Yeah,” Marie said. “Just doing my business…”
“Okay.” Francesca started to walk away. “I’ll wait until you’re done.”
Of course she had to use the bathroom. That was my luck. “Tell her to use yours.”
Marie’s eyes lit up in relief. “Frankie, just use mine. It might be a while.”
“No, I’ll wait,” Francesca said.
Why the hell did she want to wait? I turned to Marie and lifted up my hands in confusion.
She shrugged back. “Why don’t you just use my bathroom?”
“Because my stuff is in there. It’s not a big deal. I’ll just wait.”
I wanted to break the mirror with my fist.
Marie covered her mouth to stifle her scream.
There was no way out of here unless I squeezed through the bathroom window. And it was way too small for a guy like me. The only way I was walking out of there was if Francesca saw me.
Then I came up with another idea.
I pulled back the shower curtain then stepped inside the bathtub.
“What are you doing?” Marie whispered.
“Flush the toilet and walk out.”
“You can’t be serious…”
“Just go into your bedroom. I’ll meet you there.”
Marie didn’t like this plan one bit, not that I blamed her.
“What other choice do we have?”
She knew I was right. There was no other way besides telling her the truth. She shut the shower curtain and hid me from view. Then she flushed the toilet and washed her hands. “Alright. I’m done.” She opened the bathroom door and walked out. Sorry, it took so long.”
“It’s cool.” Francesca walked inside and locked the door behind her.
Hopefully, she would just wash her face. Anything too awkward would strain our relationship forever. I’d never be able to look at her the same.
Her pants dropped and her bottom hit the toilet.
Ugh. This was really happening.
A steady stream hit the water then the toilet paper turned on the roll.
I tried to block out the sound as much as possible but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t make a single noise.
She flushed then moved to the sink, washing her hands then her face. She did her nighttime rituals, brushing her teeth and moisturizing.
This sucked.
She finally walked out and turned off the lights on the way.
I didn’t see anything but the sound scarred me. Next time I looked at my sister I would remember listening to her pee right beside me. We were never close to begin with but now we’d never be close.
After waiting a few minutes I left the bathroom and poked my head into the hallway. Both of the bedroom doors were shut and the rest of the lights were off. I crept to Marie’s room then maneuvered inside.
Once the door was shut behind me I finally took a real breath.
Marie stood there, anxiously waiting for me. She was still wearing her jeans and blouse, not getting uncomfortable until I joined her in the bedroom. “What happened?”
“What do you mean what happened?” We both whispered to one another because Francesca’s bedroom was just across the hall. “She went back into her room so I came in here.”
“But did you—”
“Let’s just get to bed.” I didn’t want to recount the memory of Francesca peeing.
“Alright…”
I got undressed then slid inside her soft sheets. Her bed was smaller than mine but less space wasn’t an issue when I was going to be close to her anyway. Marie undressed and joined me a moment later.
We faced each other under the blankets, and I placed her long, slender leg around my waist. I loved the way it felt hooked around me. She had the legs of a runner. They were finely sculpted with precision. I remembered the way they felt around my waist
. When they were there, they felt even better.
Her blonde hair was pulled over one shoulder, framing her face in such a perfect way it didn’t seem real. Her green eyes were difficult to decipher in the dark but they still glowed by their own light. Sometimes I liked just to look at her. With Francesca around again it was impossible to be myself, to cherish Marie in any way.
“She seems better.”
“She does.” When did we talk about something else besides my sister? I couldn’t remember.
“I’m glad things are moving along. She’s eating and going back to school…”
“The worst is definitely over.”
“You don’t seem happy.”
I would always be disappointed in myself for the way I spoke to her. Francesca denied it but I knew the truth. I pulled the trigger that led to her demise. “I’m tired of sneaking around. I’m tired of attending to Francesca before anything else. I want to be with you—out in the open.”
“Me too…”
“I want to take you on a date—a real one.” That work party didn’t count, especially when I screwed things up by mentioning what happened with Alexia. And then Hawke was there, and that was a serious mood killer.
“And I’d love to go on one.”
I had a perfect idea. I was researching different things to do when I came across the most peculiar but wonderful date. Marie would probably like it, and I’d probably get lucky later. “We should just tell her. I’m not listening to her pee again.”
Her face scrunched up like she was trying not to laugh.
“It was horrifying.”
“It’s not like you watched her.”
“Listening to it was enough. How would you feel if you heard your sister pee?”
“I have.”
“Well, it’s different.”
“Just try and forget about it.”
It would take a full night of rest to make that happen. I was lying in bed with a beautiful woman but I was limp like a dead fish. Francesca was cramping my style in every way imaginable.
“Stop thinking about it.” She cupped my face and ran her fingers along my jaw.
“Easier said than done.”
“Think about me.”
I looked into her face and concentrated my gaze on her eyes. Her thick eyelashes always made them irresistible. Sometimes when I looked at her at the perfect angle I saw different specs of color in her eyes. There were splashes of gray and yellow, and sometimes orange.