by Lindsay Becs
Walking past him, I make my way into his living room, flopping down on his couch. Hesitantly, he sits next to me but leaves space between us. It feels cold but needed given the current situation.
“What the hell was all that?” I ask, still feeling cool and steely toward him. Anger bubbling under the surface has me ready to rip him apart, but I’m trying my best to give him a chance to tell his side of the story.
“I don’t even know where to start,” he rasps, running his hands through his hair.
“Blake is your son?” I prod.
Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, he nods his head, eyes on the floor. “He’s four.”
My eyes go wide, thinking back to what happened around that time. “Zander…”
“Natalie was my on-again off-again girlfriend since I was like thirteen. She’s also been on-again off-again with just about every substance out there,” he begins, and I want to ask so many questions, but I sit there watching him, listening to him. “We’ve always been toxic together, explosive and not in a good way. But somehow we would always end up back together. I hadn’t seen her or talked to her in almost a year when you laid down your bike the first time...” He pauses again, turning his head to look at me. “I just hit bottom.” He shrugs. “I didn’t know what I was doing with my life anymore. I wanted this career, to be part of your family, and I was screwing it up.”
“But I was fine. I didn’t even get hurt that night. Penny was furious but she got over it,” I look at him confused, trying to understand.
“Yeah, I guess. And as soon I did, I felt sick and was so mad at myself for going back to what I’d tried so hard to get away from. I told her just that, and we fought, like always. And I left, like always. I thought that was it and we were done for good. Then she came knocking on my door a few months later with a sonogram, telling me I was having a kid. She said she wanted to keep the baby and wanted nothing from me. She just wanted my money and nothing more. So, selfishly, I agreed. Because at the time, I thought it would be easier. I was winning races and things with training you were going great. I thought it wouldn’t bother me if I knew my son or not. But I was wrong. So wrong.”
“So, all the talk the other night about having a family, is this where that came from?”
“I don’t even know, Poppy.” He leans back now, letting out an exasperated puff of air. “I do. I do want a family one day. But I don’t want one with Natalie.”
“Well, it’s a little too late for that,” I mumble.
We sit there in silence for what feels like an hour before he speaks again. “I do care about him, you know.”
I slide closer to him and take his hand in mine. “Then you should try to get to know your son. I don’t think it’s too late for that.” Turning his head, he looks at me, searching, hoping; but I can’t give him what he wants. We both know that. Reaching up, I run my hand over his facial hair that’s grown more. “I love you, Zander.”
He closes his eyes as the goodbye in my words wash over him. “I can’t convince you to try, can I?” His eyes slowly open and meet mine. I shake my head.
“Will you still train me?”
He gives me a small smile. “Of course I will. I want to see you become the biggest badass racer in the IMR and kick all of our asses.”
Leaning in, I press my lips to his. “I should go.”
“You don’t have to,” he rasps, lacing our fingers together and bringing them to his lips.
“I do,” I say as a tear slides down my cheek. Lifting my shoulder, I wipe it away. “I want you to get to know your son. I know you’ll be the dad he needs. And I know that I don’t want to be in the way of that.”
His lips press to my forehead. “I love you so fucking much my chest feels like it’s going to explode.”
“I hate nothing about you,” I respond. Slipping out of his hands, I pack my things as quickly as I can so I don’t crumble in front of him.
At the door, we say the hardest goodbye of my life. I barely make it to the gate before my vision blurs from my tears and I have to pull over. Once I’ve sobbed a thousand tears for what could have been, I drive away from the one person who I feel tethered to the most in this life.
14
Zander
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!
The second I heard Natalie’s voice popping my bubble of perfection with Poppy, I knew. I knew that I blew any chance I had at a future with her.
I also couldn’t deny how hard it was to ignore my son, whom I’ve only seen a handful of times in his four years on this earth. Especially when, out of the corner of my eye, I could see Poppy being sweet and loving to him, even though his presence had just destroyed our future.
Her anger toward me was well-deserved. I was actually surprised it wasn’t more, if I’m being honest. I know I had every opportunity to tell her about him and Natalie, but I chose to ignore it, telling myself it didn’t matter since they weren’t a part of my everyday life.
Then, BOOM! “Here ya go, brah,” the universe laughed as it blew up my life in seconds.
I wanted to fight Poppy and beg for her to give it a chance, but I knew that wasn’t fair to her. After all, she had been honest with me the other night when I poked around the topic of kids and making a family. She doesn’t want them. She made it clear, and I can’t be mad about that. I also can’t force something that I know she doesn’t want, no matter how much I want her.
A week later, I’m parking in front of Grams’s house. I let out a breath thinking about how she’s going to be mad at me for how I handled this whole thing. I’ve been avoiding her since Poppy left
“Hey, Grams,” I yell as I walk inside. “Smells good.”
“Well, you did earn it at the carnival,” she says, walking over to kiss my cheek. “Where’s Poppy?” she asks with a smile, but it quickly falls from her face when she looks at me. “What did you do, boy?” She sternly questions with a hand on her hip.
“After you left the carnival, we ran into Natalie,” I start. “I hadn’t told Poppy about her or Blake.”
“Did you explain to her about everything?”
Nodding, I tell her, “I did. But I also want to try to figure out a way to get to know my son, and Poppy doesn’t want kids.” Lifting a shoulder, I try to act nonchalant. “We both knew it was the end of the road for us.”
“That’s bullshit,” she tells me as she scoops stew into bowls.
“Maybe, but it’s the way it’s gotta be, Grams.” I take a bite, burning my mouth. “Looks like you’re still my number-one girl.”
“I’m sorry to see things end with Poppy. I liked her. But I’m glad to hear that you’ve changed your mind about that little boy. He needs a father and something stable in his life for once.”
“I think so too.” I smile down at my bowl, thinking about that. “You know I’m going to need your help, right?”
“I sure don’t expect you to know the first thing about raising a child,” she laughs.
“I meet with my lawyer in the morning. Do you want to go with me?”
She thinks it over for a second before putting her hand over mine on the table. “I think you need to do this one on your own. I’m proud of you for wanting to step up and do right by your son, but Zander, this isn’t something you take lightly. You need to be ready to change your life, to lay it down for that boy. If you aren’t willing to do those things, then you need to make peace and let him go.”
Her words wash over me, sending a wave of goosebumps down from the top of my head. She’s right. Am I ready to give up racing and traveling if it came down to it? I already said goodbye to Poppy, but am I willing to let go of everything else in my life?
“I am,” I say, looking her straight in the eye. “I already gave up the most important thing in my life for him.”
She squeezes my hand and we go back to eating, talking about everything except Poppy and Blake.
The last two months have been the most incredible and insane of my life. M
y lawyer advised me to ask for visitation with Blake first before attempting anything more in order to establish a relationship with him. I needed to prove that I was solid and not a flake to him and the courts.
That first visit was terrifying. I was so nervous to spend time with this miniature person who was barely taller than my knee. My heart broke when he asked me about Poppy, remembering her name and kindness toward him. But soon he and I began to relax and have a fun day together.
Since then, I’ve had visits once a week, until last week when they were upped to an overnight visit with two full days. We built a fort, swam at the beach, and pigged out on pizza and ice cream.
But the real star of the visit was when he asked if he could call me “Dad” sometimes. I think I melted into a puddle at his feet.
My only regret is that Poppy isn’t here to share it all with me. I just know she’d love him, and I already know he’s fond of her from the five minutes he had with her on that fateful day.
Today I flew back to Vegas for training. I’ve pushed it off as long as the company would allow and done as much from here as possible.
I gave Blake an old phone of mine and showed him how to use it to call me and video with me as much as he wants. I know I’m going to miss seeing him as often. Hopefully Natalie won’t find it and take it away or use it against us in some stupid way.
Pulling up to the track, I recognize Poppy’s big truck parked in the lot. We haven’t spoken since she left my house in Cali, and now I feel nervous about seeing her. Taking a deep breath, I try to act unaffected when I see her sitting in her usual spot to watch me before it’s her turn to train.
My practice runs go well, and I keep my focus as much as I can with the woman I love and lost watching me the whole time. Finishing up, I say bye to the crew before walking toward her. She meets me with her hands in the back pockets of her jeans.
“Hey,” I say lamely.
She smiles, pushing her aviators to the top of her head. “Hey.”
“You ready?” I ask, tilting my head toward the waiting bikes.
“If you are,” she says before going back for her helmet and jacket.
We fall into a comfortable rhythm like before. She is having a really good run, and I can’t help but smile big watching her. She’s incredible. She was born to be on a bike, and more than that, she was born to race.
I can tell she feels the same thing when she comes in. Taking off her helmet, I see she’s got a giant smile of her own. “That felt so fucking good,” she laughs.
“Pops, you are ready.”
Her eyes go wide, and she stops laughing. “Are you shitting me right now to get rid of me?”
“Not at all.” I laugh this time. “You looked incredible out there. You could totally win if you keep up this pace.”
“Dude!” She punches me in the arm.
“Ouch.”
“Zander, I want this so bad; I can taste it.”
“And you’ll get it. We just have to be smart about it.”
“We?” she asks with questioning brow.
“We,” I say, stepping closer to her. I can’t stop my hand from reaching up and tucking a piece of hair behind her ear. I watch her throat bob as she swallows nervously.
“Zan—”
She’s cut off by my phone ringing. It’s my ringtone for Blake. I give her an apologetic smile as I answer.
“Hey, buddy. What’s up?” I ask my son.
“I’m scared,” he whispers, and my heart sinks.
“Blake, what’s wrong?”
“Mommy has a friend here. He’s yelling at her, and she told me to hide in the closet. But I can hear her crying.”
Without a word, Poppy grabs my phone and hands me hers so I can call the police there.
“Hey, Blake. Do you remember me from the carnival?” Poppy asks him with a big smile on her face. That smile never wavers the entire time I’m on the phone with the authorities. I’ve never been more grateful to anyone as I am to her in this moment.
We both stay on the different lines until he’s safe and out of harm’s way. As soon as we hang up, I take off for my car. I need to get back there as soon as I can.
“Zander! Wait!” Poppy is yelling to my fleeting back.
“Poppy, thank you for your help, but I need to go,” I tell her shortly.
“No, I know. Just… Just call me later and let me know that you got there and that he’s alright. Please?”
I give her a nod and climb into my car, peeling out of the parking lot before she even manages to get into her own vehicle. Speeding down the highway, my mind is on overdrive going over everything from tonight.
Memories from my own childhood come flooding back to me one after another. My dad hitting my mom, hiding from him in the closet. Her black eyes, bruises, and broken bones. All of it. I don’t want the same life and memories for my son. I should have been there to protect him from the beginning instead of racing. I told him I would be there for him now, and I failed him.
I reach the police station a little before midnight. Blake is sitting with an officer, watching TV on her computer. I run to him, picking him up and hugging to me tightly. He begins to cry in my arms, and I break with him.
Sitting in a nearby chair, I rock us both until we calm down. “Shhh… I’m here now. I’m so sorry I wasn’t before. But I’m not going to leave you again, buddy.”
“Promise?” he asks, looking up at me with big red-rimmed eyes filled with tears.
“Cross my heart,” I tell him, hugging him to me, kissing his head.
“Mr. Macallan?” one of the officers questions.
“Yes, sir.” Standing, I keep Blake in my arms. “I apologize, sir. I’m sure I broke about twenty traffic laws to get here.”
He chuckles under his breath. “I’m not concerned about that right now. Do you mind if I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I nod and sit Blake back down with the officer he was sitting with when I walked in. “That’s my daddy. He races motorcycles!” I hear him telling her as I walk into another room with the other officer.
“Mr. Macallan, your son was found in terrible living conditions. The man who was present in the home was a wanted gang member whom we apprehended on the scene. The boy’s mother was also taken into custody for child neglect and drug possession.”
I nod before questioning, “What does this mean for my son?”
“Are you capable of becoming the legal guardian of the child?”
“Yes,” I say without pause. “I’ve been working up to fighting for custody of him. We’ve only begun visitation a couple months ago. But yes, without a doubt, I would love nothing more than to have him with me.”
“Do you live in the state of California, Mr. Macallan?”
“Partially. I have homes both here and in Las Vegas, where I work. I travel internationally for my job, but there’s no reason he couldn’t come with me. That is, if that’s allowed. I don’t know with the crossing of state lines and borders how all that works.”
“It would be tricky.” He pauses, thinking. “You are the boy’s father, correct?”
“Yes, sir. I foolishly gave up my parental rights before he was born. I’m trying to rectify that now.”
“I need to make some calls in the morning. I’ll see what I can do.”
Shaking his hand, I tell him, “Thank you, sir.”
Since I already have visitation here, they allow Blake to come home with me tonight. He falls asleep before we exit the parking lot of the police station. Keeping a hand on him as I drive, I try to think about what’s going to happen next.
Once I’m home, I carry Blake to his room that I had redecorated just for him. Tucking him in his bed, I kiss his head and breathe a little easier for the first time all night.
Falling back onto my bed, I pull out my phone and shoot a text to Poppy. Since it’s late, I don’t want to wake her up.
Me: Sorry I didn’t txt sooner. It’s been crazy. He’s at my house with me for the ni
ght. Thx again for your help.
Soda Pop: I’m so glad he’s alright.
She replies right away.
Me: I was so scared.
Soda Pop: I know. He’s lucky to have you.
Me: They are going to see if he can travel with me.
My phone rings in my hand, and I see it’s Poppy.
“Hello?” I answer.
“You’re going to get to bring him on the road with us?” she asks, and I don’t miss the way she said “us” or the sense of happiness in her voice.
“Maybe. There’s a lot of legal stuff to sort through, but they arrested Natalie and the dude who was there. He was a wanted gang member, Poppy.” I let out a breath it feels like I’ve been holding all night. “I mean, fuck, Pops. What would have happened if I hadn’t given him that phone or if he hadn’t called me?”
“You can’t think like that. Focus on the fact that he’s alright and not hurt and you have him now.”
“Yeah,” I sigh. “I’ll let you sleep. Sorry if I woke you.”
“I was up. I couldn’t sleep waiting to hear from you.”
“I’m sorry,” I apologize.
“Don’t apologize. I was worried. For both of you. I know it had to have brought up some memories,” she says cautiously. “That couldn’t have been easy either.”
Before I know it, I’m crying like a fucking baby on the phone with my ex-girlfriend, who I’m still in love with. What a fucking pussy I’ve turned into.
“I’m sorry,” I sniff, feeling embarrassed.
“What’d I say about that?”
“Oh, right,” I laugh. “I wish you were here. Everything feels better when you’re with me,” I admit.
“I’ll see you when you get back.”
“Right.”
“Let me know how things go tomorrow.”
“Okay. I’ll let you know when I hear something. Thanks again for everything tonight. What a clusterfuck,” I sigh, feeling like I can begin to relax for the first time in hours.