Luck of the Draw (Xanth)

by Piers Anthony

  It wasn’t enough. The four of them fell in a tangle without getting clear of the dragon’s path. The monster crashed into them.

  And nothing happened. After a moment Bryce lifted himself off Mindy’s legs where he had landed, and Trent and Iris untangled. There was no huge beast, no smoke.

  “But I saw a dragon!” Bryce said.

  “It was illusion,” Mindy said.

  “Mine,” Iris agreed. “Your protective instinct was commendable, but you did not handle the threat well.”

  “An illusion threat,” Bryce said. “You did warn me. I did not make the connection in time.”

  “A real dragon would have smoked and eaten you,” Trent said. “That’s why you need to learn how to use your talent.”

  “I surely do,” Bryce agreed.

  “We will go through this again, in repeat motion,” Trent said. “Look in the sky. Do you see the dragon?”

  Bryce looked. “Yes. It is flying well to our right.”

  “Use both eyes together.”

  “But that will make me giddy! They are ten seconds apart.”

  “Try it anyway,” Trent said. “Coordinate the two images.”

  Bryce tried. “I see two dragons, one flying ahead of the other.”

  “In a straight line?”

  “No, curving, as if they are points on a larger circle.”

  “Curving toward us,” Trent said.

  “Well, yes. If that continues—and of course it will—they will circle around to come here.” Bryce paused, a bulb flashing over his head. “So I can see it coming well before ten seconds!”

  “Precisely,” Trent agreed.

  “So we should move out of the way now. Avoid it, get under cover.”

  They did so. The dragon completed its curve, oriented—and failed to spy them. It shook its head, belched out a disgusted ball of smoke, and flew away without landing. It might be illusion, but it was realistic throughout.

  “So I can triangulate, and anticipate a threat in time to handle it,” Bryce said, pleased.

  “If you are properly alert,” Trent agreed.

  Suddenly a ground dragon burst out of the ground right before them. “Get back!” Bryce cried.

  But his ten-second warning was not sufficient. The dragon had emerged too close. Its head shot toward Bryce, jaws gaping.

  And the dragon became a giant caterpillar whose jaws were suitable only for chewing plants. It was so close that it still collided with Bryce, knocking him down. It was no illusion!

  Bryce scrambled up and away. “What happened?” he asked breathlessly.

  “I had to use my talent,” Trent said. “I am a transformer.”

  So the Magician had transformed the dragon into a caterpillar. That was impressive. “My talent didn’t help me,” Bryce said.

  “That’s why you need to get a sword. That could have made the dragon pause.” Trent patted the scabbard of his own sword.

  “I have never used such a thing,” Bryce protested.

  “Learn.”

  “I guess I’ll have to.”

  “We can return to the castle now,” Trent said. “After I restore the dragon.”

  “Restore it?” Bryce asked blankly.

  “It would not be kind to leave it as a caterpillar.” Trent walked to the huge green insect. “Stay away from humans,” he told it. “Some of us are dangerous.” Then he gestured, and the dragon reappeared. It shook its head, understandably confused, then turned about and dived into the hole it had come from.

  They walked back toward Castle Maidragon. “I am impressed,” Bryce said. “Not only with your evident talents, but by the fact that you have taken the trouble to help me like this.”

  “We are doing it for Harmony,” Iris said. “If she chooses well, and avoids the kind of scrapes the others have gotten into, she will likely one day be King of Human Xanth.”

  Mindy choked. “Harmony?”

  “If,” Iris repeated firmly. “She has the potential, as all of them do, but must avoid squandering it as the others have.”

  “Oh. Of course,” Mindy agreed.

  Bryce wondered why she questioned it. Mindy’s position as a servant girl was unlikely to be affected regardless of who ruled. But he had a question of his own. “Wouldn’t she be queen, not king, being female?”

  Trent smiled. “It is Xanth custom to have kings. So when a female rules, she is a king.”

  “Oh.” He decided not to question it further.

  Outside Castle Maidragon they bid farewell to the Magician and Sorceress, and walked back toward Caprice. “I must say, Princess Dawn has set me up with some interesting contacts. I never thought that ex-kings would give me the time of day.”

  “It’s afternoon.”

  Which he supposed was about as specific as it needed to be, here in this magic land.

  4

  PRINCESS

  The next day Caprice Castle was settled near a far more elaborate castle. “What is that?” Bryce asked, peering out a turret window.

  “That is Castle Roogna,” Mindy said. “The capital of Human Xanth.”

  “Human Xanth,” Bryce repeated. “I have heard that term before. Are there other races here?”

  “Many. Every species has its royalty or equivalent. So there’s a Dragon King, an Elf King, a Gnome King, a Goblin Chief, an Ant Queen, and so on. We treat them all with due respect. It makes it easier to get along.”

  “I should think so,” he agreed. “Animals have more status here than they do in Mundania.”

  “Mundania is backward,” she agreed.

  But when they checked with Princess Dawn, she had other news. “We are near a humongous clot of puns,” she said. “We need all available hands to fetch them in before they escape. Bryce has a prior commitment, so must go to Castle Roogna. But all others must stay, including the dogs. Today you can’t guide him, Mindy.”

  “But he needs me,” Mindy protested.

  “He needs guidance. That’s not the same.”

  “The castle is right in sight,” Bryce said. “I should be able to cross to it alone readily enough.”

  “We cannot be sure of that,” Dawn said. “Xanth still has too many surprises for you. I have arranged for other guidance.”

  “Who?” Mindy asked suspiciously.

  “Piper.”

  “But he’s the best pun collector of them all! You can’t spare him.”

  “He and Bryce can collect puns as they travel. That should be almost as efficient.”

  “But can he protect Bryce from danger, just in case?”

  “Oh, yes,” Dawn reassured her, seeming amused.

  Mindy opened her mouth, but Dawn shut it with a look. “Piper it is,” Mindy said.

  “You will find him outside,” Dawn told Bryce. “Now be on your way while we organize. There will surely be puns left over when you return.”

  Bryce obeyed. What else could he do?

  He wheeled his trike outside the main gate. There was a handsome young man. “Bryce?” the man inquired.

  “Yes. Piper?”

  “The same. What is that device?”

  “My recumbent tricycle. I brought it with me from Mundania, and it works well enough here. I simply push these pedals, and it moves. Do you have transportation of your own?”

  “I have the equivalent: a duplication spell. With your permission, I will copy your machine.”

  Just like that? “Be my guest.”

  Piper brought out a small sphere. “Stand clear, or the spell will duplicate you too.”

  “Can’t have that!” Bryce said. He got off the trike and stepped away from it. Could this really work?

  Piper flipped the sphere at the trike. It struck the seat and flashed.

  And there were two identical trikes.

  “Thank you,” Piper said, getting on the second.

  “The brakes are on the handles,” Bryce explained. “You move the handlebars to steer it.”

  Bryce got on the first and pedaled. He move
d forward. Piper pedaled too, pacing him. They moved at a good clip. “I like this machine,” Piper said.

  Before long they approached Castle Roogna. It was surrounded by orchards and gardens.

  “Uh-oh,” Piper said.

  “There is a problem?”

  “This is illusion.”

  “Illusion? It looks real enough to me.”

  “Ride into that bush.”

  Bemused, Bryce did. He passed right through the bush as if it were fog. “Illusion,” he agreed.

  “Only the Sorceress Iris could fashion an illusion of this magnitude. She must have been practicing, and forgot to delete it when she went home. Caprice Castle oriented on it instead of the real Castle Roogna. I can find it, as I know the general lay of the land, but it won’t be conveniently close.”

  “Can we get there using the trikes?”

  “Yes. But there may be mischief.”

  “Mischief?”

  “Did Dawn tell you much about me?”

  Was the man changing the subject? Bryce played along. “Nothing.”

  “I am not exactly what I seem. I am a monster in human guise. I mention this so you won’t be confused if I should have to assume my monster form.”

  “Okay. As long as I know you don’t mean me any harm.” Then Bryce caught something with his left eye. Now it was his turn to say “Uh-oh.”

  “There is a problem?”

  “Goblins are pouring out of the illusion, or they will in ten seconds. I think we need to get away from here.”

  “That will not be feasible. Now I see them. Obviously goblins infested the illusion, hoping to ambush some unwary travelers, and we are those. They will have us surrounded.”

  Bryce looked behind. There were more goblins closing in. “They do.”

  “They will not be kind to us. I must become the monster. When I do, throw the trikes on my back and jump on yourself. Then try to help me spot the most dangerous ones. I can see well enough, but it helps to have guidance, especially if there are attacks from several directions at once.”

  “I’m not sure I—”

  “We’ll let them get close. They won’t throw spears or stones because they want to capture us undamaged so they can properly torment us. Then we’ll act.”

  In hardly more than a moment the goblins closely surrounded them. They stood about half human height, were raggedly garbed, and stank of garbage. They had large ugly heads, small bodies, and big ugly hands and feet. “What have we here?” the chief said, rubbing his horny hands together with anticipation. “Fresh entertainment and fresh meat, by the look of it.”

  “Beware,” Piper said. “We are on a mission for the Princess Dawn. We can defend ourselves. Disperse without hostilities and there will be no trouble.”

  “Har har har!” the goblin laughed, and his horde laughed with him. There was nothing funny about it; this was pure cruelty. “You must be entertainers.”

  “Actually I am,” Piper said. “I’m a musician.”

  “Oh, yeah? Show me.”

  Piper brought out a pipe and put it to his mouth. He played a melody. Bryce was amazed. It was the most beautiful music he had heard in decades. The man really was a musician, a fine one.

  But the goblins were not impressed. “That’s all? You’re not royalty? No big hostage payoff?”

  “We are unusual folk,” Piper said. “But not royal.”

  “Strip them,” the chief said.

  “I advise against this,” Piper said.

  “Har, har, har!” the goblins repeated. They put horny hands on Piper and Bryce, reaching up to tear at their clothes.

  “Last warning,” Piper said calmly. Bryce couldn’t figure what he had to be calm about. These goblins were pint-sized brutes.

  The goblin chief punched Piper in the belly, which was as high as he could reach.

  Piper dissolved. He melted down into an oozing black mass. It spread outward rapidly, gaining in volume. It surrounded the goblin chief, enclosing him knee-deep in the tarry substance. Piper had not been fooling about changing into a monster!

  “Yowch!” the goblin yelled, trying to yank out his feet from the clinging sludge. “It stings!”

  Then he started descending into the glop. Bryce realized that the stuff was dissolving his legs, eating him away. “Help!” the goblin screamed.

  His minions tried, but now the gooey substance was coming after them too. They stabbed at it with their spears, but all that did was dirty the points. They cut at it with their knives, and got the blades hopelessly fouled. They bashed it with their clubs, and the clubs stuck in it and became useless.

  Yet, oddly, the black goop did not advance on Bryce. It detoured around him and the bikes, going after only the goblins. It was consciously controlled.

  A musical note sounded from a vent in the monster. That reminded Bryce, and he hastily tossed one trike and then the other onto the spreading surface. They did not sink in; the upper skin seemed rubbery, at least back from the caustic fringe. Then he jumped on himself, hoping his feet wouldn’t break the surface tension and sink in like stones through mud and get consumed too. They didn’t; the surface had a thick rind that gave way without breaking, like canvas. Still, he decided to get on his trike so as to have no further direct contact.

  The goblins were neither stupid nor cowardly, and there were many of them. But they were practical. They retreated, abandoning their chief to his fate, and picked up stones.

  “To my right!” Bryce shouted. “They’ve got stones!” Though he didn’t see how that information could help.

  Another vent opened. Harsh music sounded. Then a fireball burst among the goblins with the stones, singeing them. They retreated, their clothes on fire. So that was how the information helped.

  But there were more goblins, unfazed. “To my left, farther away,” Bryce called. “A catapult!” Indeed, that cat was about to spring.

  Another vent opened. Another note sounded. Another fireball burst, setting the catapult on fire.

  Bryce remembered how Mindy had asked whether Piper could protect him. Dawn had seemed amused by the question. Now he understood why. This was one seriously deadly creature.

  “That’s all for the moment,” Bryce said, finally having time to be amazed. Piper had not been fooling about being a monster. Bryce was glad the thing was on his side.

  The monster forged ahead, and the goblins retreated before them. Soon they were alone.

  Bryce glanced at the sky. A dark cloud was looming. “I fear there will be weather,” he said. “That could rust the trikes. Maybe we should seek shelter.”

  A vent blew an affirmative note. The monster continued to flow forward at a good clip. Bryce hung on, satisfied that Piper knew where he was going. Meanwhile the storm was rapidly blowing up. It almost seemed to be orienting on them.

  They came to a sudden crack in the ground. In fact it was a crevasse. “Watch out!” Bryce cried. He had been distracted by the looming storm and hadn’t seen the crack before, even with his second sight.

  He was too late. The monster flowed over the brink and into the gulf. But they didn’t fall. Instead they slid along the vertical cliff, the trikes and Bryce remaining fastened in place. This was another surprise. The wind gusted angrily, but the monster was like a giant slug, firmly stuck.

  Then, just as the first raindrops fell, they cruised into a cave. The rain crashed angrily against the entrance, but could not get at the dry interior. They were safe from a drenching.

  Bryce got off the monster’s back, and removed the trikes. “That was an impressive demonstration,” he said.

  The black goo drew together and formed into manshape. Piper reappeared, complete with clothing. “Thank you. You did well, calling out the goblins’ attacks. That spared me some bruising.”

  “You had told me how.” He glanced at the mouth of the cave, which now looked like a sheet of water. “We may be stuck here a while.”

  “Fracto’s rages usually pass within the hour. We’ll be delayed,
but not unduly.”

  “Fracto?”

  “The storm. Cumulo Fracto Nimbus, king of clouds. He likes to rain on parades and anything else interesting.”

  “Our fracas with the goblins must have interested him.”

  “Fortunately I know of this offshoot of the Gap Chasm, inaccessible to most nonflying creatures.”

  “Gap Chasm?”

  “Yes. I gather you are not yet conversant with much of Xanth.”

  “True.”

  “It is a giant crevasse that crosses Xanth, patrolled by the dreaded six-legged steamer the Gap Dragon. It has a number of offshoots that diminish and finally fade out. You will likely get to see it someday; it is impressive.”

  “Surely so. I have been learning things at a phenomenal rate, but it seems I have hardly scratched the surface,” Bryce said. “If I may ask, how is it that Princess Dawn was able to call on you to babysit me on this trip? You are evidently no ordinary person.”

  “It is a long story, simply told. I was the former proprietor of Caprice Castle, a superior musician collecting puns for storage. But I was betrayed by a woman who let them all out. Demon Pundit was not pleased. He rendered me into the monster you saw. Later I saw Princess Dawn, and realized that if I could court and win her I might make her mistress of Caprice and recover my position. But her interest was in the walking skeleton. In the end he and I battled for her hand and the castle.”

  “How could a mere skeleton ever stand up to a creature of your powers?”

  “He was a musician. He learned to conjure fireballs and other things, matching me in that regard. We challenged each other musically, and in the end he won, proving himself to be Xanth’s finest musician and worthy of Princess and Castle. I was on the way down to Hell when he interceded with the Demon to save me. I am not unappreciative, and will never betray his interests. Normally I collect puns, but when the princess needed this service, I was glad to oblige. I can’t touch her or enter Caprice, but I prefer to retain her favor, though I have another girlfriend now.”

  “Girlfriend?”

  “Granola Giantess. She is a fifty-foot-tall invisible giant, a friend of Dawn’s. You will surely meet her soon, if you haven’t already.”

  “An invisible giant? I don’t believe I have seen her.” Oops; he hadn’t been trying to joke.