Kent
I shove my front door open so hard, it slams back against the wall. My heart is racing a million miles an hour, pumping adrenaline around my body like it’s blood.
Fuck it! Fuck every-fucking-thing!
Dad’s arm shoots out, catching the door on the rebound. It could have fallen off, and I wouldn’t have cared. Storming through to the kitchen, I head to the alcohol cupboard.
“Kent, you need to calm down,” Dad orders.
I can’t fucking calm down!
Grabbing a bottle of Jack Daniel’s, I unscrew the lid and drink from the bottle. “Fuck!” I bellow, slamming it down on the counter. My knuckles turn white as I grip the neck of the bottle in my fist.
“Do you feel better now?” he asks.
“No, I fucking don’t. She lied to me. How the hell did I not see it?”
“There’s a reason, son. The guy, Simon, slept with her sister.”
“And that’s a reason to run away from home, pretend you don’t have an ex, any siblings, or a relationship with your parents?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know the details, and that’s why you should let her explain before you do this. We all have our reasons for doing certain things, Kent. At least allow Savannah to give you hers.”
I tighten my grip, my heart ripping to shreds. “I don’t want to hear her reasons for shit. I told her all about Freya, everything that happened, and how it changed who I was. Fucking hell, I held nothing back. That was the time for her to tell me.”
“Maybe she wasn’t ready yet. You told her about Freya in your time. You should at least grant her the chance to do the same.”
“Why the fuck are you taking her side?”
“Son, I’m taking your side. You love this girl, but if you’re not careful, you’re going to ruin the best thing that’s happened to you.”
“I’m going to ruin it? I’m not the one who lied!”
He raises his hands. “Give her the benefit of the doubt. Please, don’t do anything rash that you’ll regret later.”
“I thought she was different.” I swig. “Fuck me, I was going to propose.”
Dad’s eyes widen.
“Yeah. If that bastard hadn’t turned up, I could have been engaged to the liar next weekend.”
“Kent, watch what you say.”
“I’m not going to regret calling her a liar, Dad.”
“Yes, you are.”
Sighing, I close my eyes and then take another swig. Fuck me, this is a new pain I haven’t experienced before.
“I didn’t know you were planning on proposing,” he says after a long stretch of silence.
“Yeah, well, I was.”
I know we haven’t been together long, but that doesn’t matter to me. Savannah is everything. She’s all I see, all I feel, all I want.
Now, I’m back to being burned and alone.
Fucking bitch.
“I’m sorry, Kent.”
I look away and swig. The liquor burns so good on the way down.
“I love her,” I whisper. “It’s nothing like it was with Freya.”
Dad steps closer and opens a cupboard. He takes two tumblers out and puts them down on the counter. “I know you love her, and I know it’s different. That’s why you can’t let the same thing happen again. Freya and Savannah are nothing alike. She must have been severely damaged by this guy and her sister’s betrayal to not want to talk about it.”
“I don’t care.”
He takes the bottle from my hand, prying it from my curled fingers, and pours two small measures. “You will care when you’ve calmed down.”
“I’m going to need more than that,” I say, taking a deep breath that feels like knives are digging in my chest.
He glances at me out of the corner of his eye and then shakes his head. He pours a little more into my glass and hands it over. “What’s the plan now, Kent?” he asks.
“Move on.”
Tilting his head, he gives me a look that makes my heart die. He knows it’s not going to be that simple either. I would love to press a button or flip a switch and turn off my feelings for her. If I could stop being in love with her right now, I would.
But I can’t, so I have to feel agony until my heart repairs.
Fucking great.
“Do you not think you should speak to her?”
“I will have to eventually. Some of her stuff is here.”
Her shit is all over my house, and I’m trying really fucking hard not to look at any of it.
“I’ll rephrase, Kent. Do you think you should talk to her about what just happened? She deserves the opportunity to explain, and you deserve the explanation.”
“She doesn’t deserve anything, and I don’t want it.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes, it is!”
“It won’t be when you’ve calmed down.”
I’ve had enough of his input now. “Why are you still here, Dad?”
“Why do you think, son?”
Growling, I walk away. There’s nothing he can say or do to make this better, so I don’t know why he’s trying. She lied and then lied some more. She knew I couldn’t take lies after Freya.
Savannah fucked this up all on her own.
“Fuck!” I bellow and drop to the sofa. What the fuck am I supposed to do now? I love her. Resting my elbows on my knees, I tug my hair.
I take a deep breath.
She’s still here. A lot of her stuff is in my apartment. She even has house things all over the place. Fucking little hair slides that seem to multiply are littering my bathroom along with the coconut shampoo that brought me to my knees, her face powder, and clothes. She has flowers in a vase on the dining table that I just want to throw out the window. My apartment needed softening apparently.
God, how stupid was I for letting her in to every part of my life?
The sofa cushion beside me caves. Dad has sat down. I don’t look up though because I don’t want to see his expression. He’ll probably look at me with pity. Or he’ll tell me to go back there and speak to her, and I can’t deal with either of those right now.
“It’s going to be okay, Kent.”
I laugh despite there being nothing funny here. “No, it’s not. I’m not going to get over her as fast.”
“I understand that.”
Dropping my arms, I sit back and stare ahead. “She lied about everything. Do you think the fucker has been in contact with her?”
Was that while she was with me? Did she reply to him while she was in my apartment, when we were out together? God, that’s going to drive me crazy.
“I don’t think there’s been anything going on between them, Kent.”
“Of course there’s not. That’s not the point though. He’s clearly been hassling her if she didn’t want him around, but she didn’t tell me. I could have helped. Why couldn’t she tell me about her past? It doesn’t make sense. None of it was her fault, so why couldn’t she talk to me?”
“It was painful for her; you could see that. Sometimes, it’s easier for us to try to forget or to ignore what causes us the most harm. This wasn’t just her ex who hurt her, but also her whole family. She cut everyone off and moved away from all that she knew. That must be so painful.”
My blood turns to fire. “I don’t care! She knew she could talk to me. I gave her so many opportunities. I asked, but I didn’t push, and I gave her space when I thought she needed it. What did I get in return? A load of bullshit about parents who just never gave a shit, no serious ex, and no siblings.”
“Not everything is as black and white as you would like it to be. I understand your need for honesty after Freya, but not being ready to open up about something and purposefully deceiving isn’t the same thing.”
“Might as well be.”
He sighs. “Tell me this, did she ever offer any information about her family or anything about her past, or was it when you asked?”
“Asked,” I growl. Where is he going with this? “Just because
she didn’t sit me down and offer the bullshit doesn’t mean it’s not bullshit.”
“It means that she didn’t want to lie, but she wasn’t ready to be honest.”
Shaking my head, I close my eyes and take a breath. He’s not getting this. “I think you should go.”
“Is that because I’m making sense?”
“No, it’s because you don’t get it.”
Dad stands up, and although I don’t look at him, I know he’s looking at me. “Kent, I will love and support you always, but I’m going to leave because, right now, you don’t get it, and I know the best way for you to get to grips with the situation is to be alone.”
I wait until he closes my front door, and then I allow the weight of the grief I feel to swamp me.
“Fuck!” I shout, jabbing the heel of my palm into my splitting chest.
It hurts so fucking bad; it takes my breath away.
Gripping my glass, I launch it at the wall and bellow, “Fuck!”
31
Savannah
Monday lives up to its reputation by being massively shit. And it’s only seven a.m. I was supposed to be okay after the weekend. Obviously, I wasn’t going to be, but it was nice to have the hope. Now, I have nothing.
I’m empty.
I walk down the street toward work. Although it’s a little chilly, the sun is shining, and the sky is blue. Inside, I feel ice cold. No amount of sun is going to lift my spirit. My stomach churns with nerves of seeing Heidi again. She was so nice to me on Saturday, but I haven’t seen her since—my choice. I needed to be alone.
She would have had time to speak to Kent, and she might be angry with me now, too.
That doesn’t sound like Heidi, but he’s her brother, and family is the most important thing to her.
I check my phone as I walk. No messages from Kent.
Taking a deep breath and swallowing heartache, I open the three texts from Simon. Two from last night and one from this morning.
Simon: You can’t ignore me forever. I need to talk to you.
Simon: Call me! I’ll meet you anywhere, but this will happen.
Simon: Fucking call me, Sav!
My pace slows, the closer I get to the studio. People behind me tut and shift around, walking off ahead. I would usually apologise, but today, I’m not feeling very British. They can all go to hell for all I care.
The studio door opens, and Heidi steps out.
I stop as she looks around. Is she stopping me before I go inside? Am I out of a job now?
No, it’s too early for me to officially be there, so she wouldn’t have known I was coming. She’s probably just getting some air.
Frowning, Heidi gestures with her arm for me to go to her.
Shit. I place my feet on the floor but don’t feel like I’m moving as I take the last few steps. I need this job.
“Hey, how are you?” she says when I’m in earshot.
“Um … ” Awful. I just want to go home, curl up, and give in to the pain.
She tilts her head to the side. “Come on in and talk about it.”
I step through the door. On her desk are two drinks and a plate of pastries. Kent used to bring me pastries in bed.
“You didn’t have to do this,” I say, dropping my bag down on the floor beside my desk.
“I wanted to. I figured you’d probably not eaten much over the weekend.”
No, nothing actually. The thought of food makes me feel sick.
I sit down opposite Heidi’s seat and pick up the coffee. “Thanks.”
Heidi sits and rests her elbows on the desk. “Have you spoken to Kent?”
Shaking my head, I drop my eyes. “I tried but …”
“He’s stubborn, and it sometimes takes him a while to come around, but he will come around.”
“I just want him to talk to me, let me explain.”
Heidi hands me a paper plate and points to the pastries. I put my drink down and take a cinnamon swirl. My stomach rumbles at the thought of food.
“I saw him yesterday,” she says, tearing apart a croissant.
“How is he?”
She purses her lips, thinking about how honest she should be.
“You can tell me, Heidi.”
“He’s … I’ve never seen him like this. He was upset when everything came out with Freya, but I think that was more the betrayal. This time around, he’s a mess, and he misses you.”
Okay, maybe I don’t want to hear it.
Closing my eyes, I whisper, “Heidi, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt him.”
“I know, and he’ll understand that soon, too. I can’t believe you kept it all in for so long though. How did you cope?”
“I …” Frowning, I search my mind to think of what I did. What did I do? Besides moving away and cutting all ties, I didn’t do anything. What is there to do anyway? There’s no single action that can repair a broken heart. Over time, scar tissue glues the pieces back together, but it’s never the same.
“You haven’t dealt with it?”
“I’m over my family, believe me.”
“I don’t mean your family, Savannah. I mean, the miscarriage.”
No, I haven’t thought much about that.
Shrugging one shoulder, I rip another piece of pastry. “There’s nothing I can do.”
“Do you think you should talk to someone?”
“No, I’m fine. It was a long time ago, and I let myself cry and be sad at the time. I’d rather not go back now.” I raise my eyes.
Honestly, that’s kind of bullshit. I haven’t really dealt with it, I guess. I mean, ignoring something probably isn’t classed as dealing. There’s nothing I can do now though. I can’t change what happened any more than I could have stopped it from happening back then. I have to accept that and move on.
“Fair enough. Will you tell me more about your parents? I thought you were estranged.”
They only got the basic details on Saturday because I was having a hard enough time with breathing under the crushing grief of Kent breaking up with me and talking about my baby.
“We are.”
She smiles. “You know what I mean.”
“They were as shocked and heartbroken as I was when they found out about Simon and my sister. They were angry with her, disgusted that she could do that to me, and while I would never ask them to choose between us, not even after she did that, I did want them to back me up.”
“They didn’t at all? You said they were angry with them at first.”
“Yeah, at first, they were. They supported me when I cut her out of my life, but I think they assumed it would be temporary—like, if they waited a few weeks, everything would go back to normal. Two weeks later, they started talking to me about forgiveness. We found out shortly after that they were still seeing each other.”
“What did your parents do then?”
Despite the total lack of humour, I laugh. “Nothing. I don’t know if they spoke to her about it, but they never let on if they did. I was told that I should get past it, or I would break the family apart.”
“Fuckers.”
This time, I laugh for real. “Yeah, I thought that, too.”
“So, what happened then?”
Smirking, I shake my head at her. “My old life is like a soap opera to you, isn’t it?”
She sits back in her seat, unaware that she was inching in with every question. “I’m sorry.”
“No, it’s okay. Talking about it actually isn’t as bad as I thought. I wish I’d realised that weeks ago when Kent was telling me about his ex.”
Heidi waves her hand. “Forget him for now. What happened?”
I pop some pastry in my mouth and chew fast. “Well, a month after we found out they were still together, it all got to be too much. My parents had accepted them, even going out to dinner with them. I couldn’t get my head around it, and no amount of talking to them made them understand, so I left.”
“How?”
“Walked out the do
or.”
She deadpans, dropping her hands to the desk. “Not funny.”
“I packed my bags while my parents slept and my sister was at Simon’s, and I left.”
“You didn’t tell anyone?”
“I left a note. There’s no way I could have had that conversation with them; it would have gotten messy. I had to go without anyone knowing. It was the best decision I ever made.”
“And you’ve had no contact since? How did Simon know where you lived?”
I turn my nose up. “I think he must have hired a private investigator. Before that, it was only messaging on my old Facebook account. Then, he started calling me a couple of months ago, even after I changed my number. I texted him back, very clearly telling him that I wanted him to leave me alone and to never contact me again. He turned up once, but I thought I got through to him that I’m done. Then, he turned up on my doorstep again, and you know the rest.”
She slowly shakes her head. “Unbelievable. Do you know what he wants?”
“He said on the phone that he wants to talk. I thought telling him to bugger off would do the trick, but apparently, he’s fucking stupid.”
“The fact that he cheated on you makes him fucking stupid.”
Yeah, I’ll give her that.
I pop another piece of cinnamon swirl in my mouth.
“How long should I leave it before calling Kent again?”
“When did you call him?” she asks.
“Saturday after you and your mum left … and Sunday,” I reply, wincing. “I know you said not to, but I had to let him know that I was sorry and that I wanted to explain. Anyway, he didn’t answer, so I sent a super-long text.”
“You explained everything over text?”
“No, not all the details. I just told him how much I regret not being braver and sharing my past with him and that I would tell him everything if he gave me the chance.”
And I told him I loved him. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him, and it will kill me if he can’t forgive me. How do you get past something like that? It was stupid of me to allow him all of my heart, but he has it, and there’s nothing I can do now. If he doesn’t forgive me, I’ll just have to accept the fact that he will always have some of it.
“He’s always been headstrong. We never could tell him something; he had to realise it by himself.”
Lie to Me Page 24