“There an average timescale for that?”
Heidi’s eyes fill with sympathy. “Hard to tell, as it varies. What are you going to do next?”
“I don’t know. I don’t want to give him space. I want to show him how sorry I am. It feels wrong not to call or text.”
“I get that.”
“Do you think I should go to his?”
Heidi opens her mouth and then closes it.
I slump back in my chair. “I’m guessing that’s a no.”
“Well, he’s never been in love with someone he’s angry with, so it might work.”
“You don’t sound sure of that at all.”
She shrugs, eyes filling with sympathy.
I lay my head back and give in to the crushing ache in my chest. Only Kent can heal me now.
32
Savannah
I walk home from work on Friday, and everyone around me is buzzing for the weekend. It’s been approximately one hundred forty-four hours since I last saw Kent, and each one of those has been a struggle.
Now, I’m facing a whole weekend on my own, missing him again. I had the briefest taste of what a relationship should be, and I suppose I should just be grateful for that. But I can’t be when I know we should be together. Kent isn’t supposed to be the one who got away. If I can’t manage to fix this, nothing will make it right. I won’t get over him even if I do learn to live without him.
Before Kent, I didn’t really do much anyway, so I should be used to being alone and spending my time indoors reading or binge-watching TV, but I’m not.
It’s even harder than adjusting my time from when I was with Simon.
It’s a lovely autumn evening, too, even if a little chilly. The sun is still shining, and on the opposite side of the road, people are already sitting outside bars, having drinks. Soon, the clock will change, and the nights will draw in earlier. I welcome it right now.
I speed up, almost keeping pace with a man in front of me, jogging. I want to be home where I can curl up and not see anyone until Monday.
Jesus, I’m such a loser.
Letting myself into my flat, I slam the door behind me and bolt it. Pressing my forehead against the wood, I close my eyes. Tears sting behind my eyelids.
Missing Kent hurts so bad; it takes my breath away.
Thankfully, I have food, so I don’t have to go out or have anyone deliver anything. My heart tightens the way it used to. I can feel myself sinking to a place I fought so hard for so long to drag myself out of. Darkness storms my mind, reeling me in.
He’s not going to forgive me. I’m going to be alone.
Why did I ever think it was a good idea to start a relationship with him?
Things were so much easier when I had nothing. I shouldn’t have let myself be happy again. I was perfectly fine before Kent, but I got greedy, wanting more.
Some people aren’t supposed to have more.
I open my eyes, stand up straight, and kick off my shoes by the door. Walking straight to my bedroom, I peel off my clothes to get changed into something comfortable enough to slob around the apartment in.
Kent still has a few things at mine, and I’m tempted to put his T-shirt on, but that’s asking for trouble. It would be nice to get through the day without breaking down like a baby.
Though I cried for a solid hour when I woke up this morning, so I’ve already failed.
I have a clean pair of leggings and an oversize T-shirt, which isn’t Kent’s, so I throw those on and chuck my work clothes on the end of my bed. I can’t be bothered to do any washing right now.
My apartment is eerily quiet as I head back to the kitchen to find alcohol and food. I have a couple of bottles in my fridge that don’t need to still be there come Monday.
I’m so sad, spending my weekend eating, drinking wine, and watching Netflix alone.
But those are the weekends I was used to, and I liked them perfectly fine before.
I open a bottle and pour a large glass. In the freezer is a microwave meal that’ll do, so I chuck that in and watch the little black container turn around through the door.
Max and Toby wouldn’t let Kent do this. He’s probably out or at the very least having the two of them over to his to drink. I hope he hasn’t gone out. He’s hurt and angry, and if he’s drinking in a bar, he might find someone.
Shit, that hurts.
If he doesn’t forgive me, that will happen eventually, but I’m definitely not ready to hear about him shagging some girl anytime soon.
He wouldn’t.
I know he did before—he’s slept with a lot of women—but I honestly don’t think he could right now. Or maybe I’m just hoping.
The microwave beeps at the same time someone knocks on my door. My buzzer never rang, so I guess it’s either Heidi or someone already downstairs had opened the door. Or Kent. It’s unlikely, but my heart thuds at the hope of it being him on the other side or the door. It’s been six days, and he might have cooled down enough to at least want to talk.
If I could just get him to listen, maybe we could sort all of this out. So far, he’s not returned any of my calls or replied to the daily messages I send.
I don’t dare think about the worst-case scenario. He has said before that he wouldn’t forgive being lied to. It’s the one thing he wouldn’t do.
Don’t think about that.
I put my glass down on the counter and pad slowly toward the front door with my heart in my throat. My hands tremble as I unbolt the door and open it. I hold my breath, but then my shoulders sag.
“What do you want, Simon?” I ask, folding my arms as my stomach sinks. This is the first time he’s tried to see me. I deleted my Facebook account the night Kent walked away from me.
“I want to talk. Please can I come in?”
“No.”
“Come on, Sav.”
“There’s nothing I want to say to you.”
“I don’t care. You knew that, eventually, this would catch up with you. We have a lot to talk about, and I’m not going anywhere until you let me in.”
“Then, I guess you’re going to have to live in that hallway.”
I drop my hands and grip the door, ready to slam it in his arsehole face, but he kicks his foot out, blocking me.
“Ten minutes is all I’m asking. You must have questions,” he says, leaning a little closer to me.
I had questions, but at the time I needed answers, he wasn’t talking. My sister was the one shouting her mouth off about how she was sorry but that they had fallen in love. Apparently, neither had wanted to hurt me. Like, what the hell did they think would happen? Even if Simon did want her and not me, why didn’t he break up with me first? I could have gotten past that in time. It wouldn’t have been easy, watching my ex move on to my sister, but that would have been a hell of a lot better than them cheating.
My chest burns, filled with fresh anger for an old pain. “Fine, fucking come in, and explain it all,” I find myself saying.
I’m breaking a rule I made the day I left, but I realise I actually want to hear this. I want to know what excuse he has for why he treated me so badly.
It must be good.
Simon walks into my flat and looks around my open-plan living/kitchen area. I don’t want him to look at my stuff, and I really don’t want him looking at Kent’s things. I haven’t moved his zip-up hoodie, DVDs, or hair gel, so I have to see little parts of him everywhere.
“This place is nice, Sav.”
“Quit the small talk. I don’t give a shit what you think of my flat. Just talk.”
“You don’t have to be so hostile. I came here to have a discussion as adults.”
“And, as an adult, I’m telling you to fucking say what you came here for.” I laugh. “And you’re telling me to act like an adult when you were the one sneaking around with my sister?”
Sighing, he runs his hands over his face. “I am sorry for the way I handled my attraction to your sister.”
I swallo
w bile as my stomach rolls.
“I was weak. At first, it was flattering when she flirted with me. You and I had been together for a while.”
“That makes it okay then.”
He ignores my snide comment. “The longer it went on, the more I wanted her. Then, one night, we kissed. It was wrong, and I know that, but I couldn’t help it. We ended up in bed.”
“Literally don’t think I want to hear this,” I mutter, wishing I hadn’t put my wine down.
“I hated myself in the morning, and she did, too. We vowed to never let it happen again.”
“You sucked at that.”
“We tried for weeks, but we couldn’t stop it.”
“Why didn’t you break up with me? You didn’t have to cheat.”
“Because I love you.”
I stare at him. There are so many things I want to say. The words are spinning around my mind, but the stupidity he’s showing right now has blocked my mouth.
He steps closer, and I hold my ground. “Whatever you think of me, I do love you.”
“Can you start using past tense, please? You’re making me want to vomit.”
“I still love you.”
“You don’t have a clue what love is.” I could never, ever cheat on anyone. The very idea of being unfaithful to Kent is unthinkable. “You put yourself first time and time again, and you didn’t care if you hurt me. You’re a selfish prick, and honestly, you and my sister deserve each other. I hope you have both spent the last three years worrying that the other one will cheat.”
Simon’s eyes narrow. Either she cheated on him or I’m just dead on the mark. I don’t care which one it is really.
“When I found out you were pregnant, I told her it was over.”
“That went well,” I mutter sarcastically.
“I stayed away from her until …”
I freeze, already guessing what he’s about to confess. “Until when?” I ask.
“Until that day. I’m so sorry I wasn’t there, Savannah. You should have never had to go through that alone.”
He started sleeping with my sister again the day we lost our baby. Bile burns my throat.
I fucking despise him.
“You need to go,” I growl.
“Not yet, please. I need you to believe me when I tell you how sorry I am. I’ve grown up a lot since then, and I realise exactly what I did. It was selfish, you’re right, and it was the worst thing I could have done.”
My hands ball into fists as my heart thumps against my rib cage. I want to punch him. “Great. Now, go.”
“Savannah.”
I throw my hands in the air. “Don’t Savannah me. You came here and asked to explain, and now, you have.”
“I didn’t want to be with her when everything came out. You were angry, rightly so, but it made me wake up. The whole thing with your sister was so wrong, and I didn’t want it to continue.”
“Then, why did you? You stayed with her, Simon. You came around my house with her, expecting me to be fine with it. Why do that if you didn’t want to?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know. Everything was so out of control. You hated me, my parents and your parents hated me, and I hated me. She didn’t.”
“You stayed with her because she didn’t hate you? Are you still together?”
He drops his eyes.
“Oh my God, you’ve actually stayed in a relationship with her for three years.”
“You were gone.”
“You fucking coward.”
His head snaps up, and he grinds his teeth. That hit a nerve, but how could he deny it? “You don’t understand.”
“Nope, and I don’t want to. I actually think it’s Karma, to be honest.”
“Who was that guy with you last week?”
“I’m not talking about him with you.”
“Are you together?”
“You have no right to ask me that.”
“I was young and idiotic, Savannah, but I’m not the same person I used to be, I swear.”
Turning around, I take the few steps to the kitchen and get my wine. This is definitely a conversation requiring wine.
“I won’t ask if you’re going to offer me anything to drink,” he mumbles like a petulant child.
Good.
“Does my sister know you’re here?” I take a sip.
“No.”
“Ah, so if I say I’ll come home, what will happen?”
He scratches his jaw, his eyebrows drawing closer together.
“Have you not thought this through? Why do you want me to come home, Simon?”
“I love you.”
“Hilarious. So, you want us to get back together?”
“I’ve always wanted that. I’ve spent three years trying to look for you.”
“While you’re with my sister. Does she know you’ve been looking?”
“She knows about the private investigator I hired.”
Not about the attempts before that.
“If I agreed to go home and be with you again, what would happen with her?”
“Nothing. Our relationship is dead. She feels it, too.”
I lift my eyebrow. “You think she feels that, or you know?”
“Look, forget what could happen. I know we can rebuild what we had. It won’t be easy, but it’s all I want.”
Am I actually really drunk and imagining all of this? Or asleep? A nightmare is probably more accurate for this.
“And, if I say no, you’re going to go home and pretend to live happily ever after with her?”
Simon turns his head, looking out my window.
“Oh my God, that’s what you’re going to do. Simon, grow a pair, and leave her if that’s what you want, but leave me out of it because that’s never, ever going to happen.”
“That guy is your boyfriend then.”
“He could be my boyfriend, my friend, or my long-lost brother, and it wouldn’t change a thing. I don’t want you, and I’m stunned that you think I could. After everything that happened, you honestly think I could find anything I like about you again?”
“We were good together.”
I throw the hand not gripping my wine in the air. “Until you fucked my sister!”
What world does he live in? Delusional, colossal wanker.
“I’m sorry! I made a mistake and let everything spiral, but if you come back with me, I promise to be the man you fell for again,” he pleads with wide green eyes.
“Leave, Simon. Go home, and forget about me.”
He walks over until he’s right in front of me. “I can’t forget about you.”
“Try harder because we aren’t going to get back together. I can’t forgive you, and I don’t want to forgive you. I would rather die alone.” If Kent doesn’t forgive me, that might actually happen, but it will still be a lot better than being with a cheater.
He takes a deep breath, making his nostrils flare. “Is that what you really want, Sav? Because, if I go now, I’m not coming back.”
“Don’t let the door hit you on the arse.”
“Fine.” He steps around me and walks out of my life, hopefully for good.
My front door bangs as he exits, and I breathe a sigh of relief. My wine ripples in the glass where my hand shakes. I take a bigger sip.
I go to sit on my sofa to collect my nerves before I eat, but someone is shouting outside. I peer out the window, and my free hand clutches my throat.
Oh no.
Kent and Simon are fighting in the street.
What is Kent doing here?
I slam the glass down on my coffee table and fly out the door. Taking the communal stairs two at a time, I get down fast. My legs carry me forward where I barge into the door to open it.
Kent’s arm extends and punches Simon in the face.
“Stop!” I shout.
Both look up at me, and Simon uses Kent’s distraction to his benefit. He plants his fist into Kent’s stomach.
I scream, “No!”
But it’s too late, and Kent is doubling over. He recovers fast though and stretches back up. Turning, Kent faces Simon. I dash over and grab Kent’s arm.
“He’s not worth it,” I say, tugging him to try to get him to look at me. “Please, just let it go, Kent, and come inside.”
“Thanks for last night, Sav,” Simon says as he backs away.
Kent’s body tenses at Simon’s words.
“No. Kent, nothing happened with him. You know me.”
A pair of my favourite turquoise eyes finally looks at me. “I thought I knew you.”
He pulls his arm out of my grip, and tears sting my eyes.
“Please, come inside.”
“There’s nothing to say,” he seethes.
“Then, why are you here?” I ask, stepping forward, desperate to get him to stay. “You came for a reason.”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Yes, it does. Simon came over, like, five minutes ago. He wanted to explain, and I wanted to hear his version. But then I told him to leave. I don’t want anything to do with him. Please believe that. You’re the only person I could ever want.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth, Savannah? I thought I knew you.”
“You do. You’re just being stubborn right now. If you give me a second, I’ll tell you everything.”
“I know everything.”
“From Heidi. That’s not the same as us sitting down and discussing it. I only kept it from you because I didn’t know how to talk about it without breaking down. It’s the most painful thing I’ve ever been through—well, second now. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I tried to do what I’d been doing since the day I left, and I mostly ignored it all.”
Kent’s eyes close as I ramble about my past and how much I miss him.
When he opens them again, they’re vacant.
“Take care of yourself, Savannah,” he whispers, stepping back.
“Kent, please.”
He turns around and unlocks his car that’s parked up the street.
He did come here for me, but instead, he found Simon leaving my building.
My heart fractures all over again, and I reach for the brick wall beside me to steady myself.
He’s not going to forgive me.
Lie to Me Page 25