by Gloria Obizu
I don’t wanna talk about it, okay? Where it came from is none of your business, so keep your thoughts to yourself!
Calm down Isabel! You’re over reacting about everything.
I don’t like it when people treat me like a kid! It gets me upset, real upset! And once I’m upset like that, I can do any fucking wrong without even thinking about it! That’s the way I’m!
Isabel’s phone began ringing and she had to talk with Wallis for a short while. The guys are here, she announced. We didn’t even have time to clean up because of that stupid boyfriend of yours.
Is not like I’m head over shoulder over him, okay? Actually he is nothing but a bore to me sometimes!
You better get yourself some more serious guy! Anyways, let’s tidy up before you go get the door. Listen, the most important thing is we gonna put up a face like nothing happened, okay?
Isabel you know me better than that! You know what I can do!
Sometimes I’m not sure about you, understand? You could have let that fool mess you up if I wasn’t here. They continued to talk while they tidied up before Carissa hurried off to go let the two guys into the building. Thereafter, partying continued all night long.
Chapter Three
It most have been the force of the sun rays streaming through the windows that woke her up because she was so tired that she couldn’t even respond to the excessive hunger with rumbling sounds in her stomach. And as soon as she got up her eyes went to the clock. The time piece stood at 11am. Forced by hunger, she tried retracing her steps up to the point where Wallis had to get out of the house at about 1pm to go get some more food ‘cause everyone suddenly got very hungry. The drugs and alcohol did it, she thought. She now remembered the bouts with ham burgers fries, chicken wings and every other nasty stuff that went with the night. Suddenly, her eyes went in the direction of the dresser and to her relief she saw the box and managed to reach out and grabbed it. Thank goodness, there were still lots of wings leftover so she ate whatever she could find in a rush and washed down with two bottles of beer but even those could hardly quell her hunger. Soon after, she slumped back to bed and nature versus nature contest began until off again she went to sleep and didn’t wake up until at about 2pm. This time hunger prevailed. She managed to get on her feet and made her way to the kitchen in desperate search for food. Nothing was left ‘cause Carissa already helped herself to what they had so she dialed the Pizza store. A little sanity returned after she ate up the whole box and she began a recall of last night’s events. Thinking about the whole encounter took her a long time until she found herself chasing Wallis, a gun in hand. It was a very long chase before she caught up with him and poised to shot when the voice of Carissa calling her name reaching into her dream world, brought her back to reality. Carissa was standing there and watching.
Why are you staring at me like that? She queried as soon as she sighted her roommate from her awakening.
I got worried about you Isabel. You’ve been in bed all day and I think it’s time to get up, Carissa said.
That’s not even enough reason to scare me like that, okay? Anyways, it’s all good now ‘cause I would have shot him straight to the heart. I guess you saved him.
Babe what are you talking about? You were the only person in this room when I came in. Why did you start talking about all this shooting somebody and stuff so suddenly, eh? You hardly finished with Teri and you are talking about another one. Isabel what’s going on?
Never mind! I think we had too much to drink last night.
Knop! Not Carissa! I never drink nor do all that stuff you guys think I’ll be doing when we hung out. For real! I pretend, but most times I don’t drink so hard at all. I don’t even do the fucking drugs that much either. Carissa said and took a seat facing her roommate.
What do you do with the stuff ‘cause I see everything will be gone so fast? Isabel really wanted to know.
Know what? Everyone will be so busy with stuff that nobody notices my constant visit to the rest room. That’s where I go empty my drinks in the toilet basin and flush it down with some of the damn drugs then come out pretending I’m on same page with everybody. But then I’ll be watching every damn thing that goes on and everybody, Carissa said.
I know it! Isabel exclaimed. You are not that dumb asshole you always act Carissa.
I’m still dumb! And I’m probably gonna stay that way for the rest of my life, Carissa continued.
Nay! I don’t believe you! Isabel said. I think you know much more than you act sometimes, understand? You may even know more than I do.
Come-on now Isabel! Don’t fan me like that, okay?
What you truly are is not what you act no matter what you say. I’m sure something is going on!
Anyways I think I’m kind of confused! Maybe I’m doing the best I can! May be I even know a little bit more! May be I’m dumb for real I just don’t know! Carissa tried to rationalize.
Oh yes you sure know what you do so don’t think you fool me ‘cause I know you’ve been acting and stuff and I’m like how long is she gonna keep up like this, get what I’m saying?
The only thing I know for sure is this; Carissa said after a long pause.
What is that? Isabel cut in.
Remember that Aunt of mine I talk about always? Carissa continued. I picked up some stuff from her. Even though what she did most of the time was talked and talked about things the way she wanted them done, but I still listened, watched and learnt some stuff on my own. So when she partied I watched the way she would be acting and I saw she would be going to the restroom a whole lot, glass of drink on hand. Every time she went in there I heard the toilet flush, then she came out, glass empty, so I figured the rest. I never caught her drunk or got knocked silly when her friends leave but while they party, she would be acting drunk and I noticed her glass would be filled all the time with hard drinks and stuff. Like I said, I figured the whole thing out by myself. Yeah!
See how smart you are? Did you have to put up with her for long or what? Isabel wanted to know more.
Yeah! What happened was this, when I was about two years old or something my mom left me with my grandma and ran off with that old dude my Aunt always talked to me about. So, I don’t really know her and never set my eyes on her again since that day she walked out on us. That was how I came to live with my grand ma. Carissa said.
Oh yeah! Was she cool?
Yeah! Real cool!! That mama tried what she could to do her best for me. My step grandpa was a good man too and was always there for my grand ma. As for my real grandpa I don’t know who the hell he is and never met his son too, I mean my father.
I understand! Isabel lent her support to urge her on and Carissa continued.
I remember I and my grand ma ran into this guy on a shopping mall one day and she said to me, Carissa, this guy could possibly be your dad; ‘cause he was one of the guys messing with your mom before she got pregnant with you. I was only six years old then but I still remember the whole thing like it happened just yesterday. And baby I don’t know why, but that day I and my grand ma met that guy on that mall, hunts me like the fucking ghost even as I’m talking to you right now. I never stopped asking myself questions about my own life that I should be asking my mom. One of the guys my mom was messing with before she got pregnant with me? They must have been a dozen or even much more in one day, who knows? And how is she supposed to figure which one of them planted the seed that turned out a Carissa Stevens? That will be hard, get what I’m saying? So, does it mean that she doesn’t know how I came to the world or what? Who actually is my dad? Will I ever get to meet him? Baby, these are the real big bugs in my life. She said with such emotion that stirred Isabel a little bit.
Come out of that fucking shit girl! Isabel said. Leave it alone ’cause you may never get the answers from your mom, so stop punishing yourself and move on! I know yo
u are hurting, but I also know worrying and thinking about it all the time is no good either. The right attitude is this; pretend it never happened and continues with your life. Since they don’t want you, why should you want them? It may be a heard thing for a kid, but you get used to it and you overcome. But then if you must know, there are ways you can go searching for them and if you get lucky you find something.
Are you kidding me? Carissa reacted.
I’m dead serious!
How am I gonna do that?
Come-on Carissa! Don’t you remember the Murray show?
Yeah! You are right. I kinda forget things.
It’s like you worry too much girl! That’s what I see! Isabel said.
May be! I probably want my parents around me like every kid or at list know where they are and we get to see when I can. Carissa continued. But not knowing anything at all, do you know what that does to me? A lot! I’ve always had this feeling that I’m a worthless son of a bitch so nobody wants me until I met you. There were times I used to feel my parents abandoned me because I’m ugly or I probably did something horrible that made them hate me and decided to leave but I’ve stopped thinking of all that. Right now I just want to find out who my real dad is and where both of my parents are living and probably try to understand why they left me you know. That will help me understands who I truly am, know what I mean?
I know! But I still insist you get over shit and take them out of the way like they did to you. Your mom probably doesn’t even know who your real father is and will probably never know!
But I need to find her and figure that out.
Anyways, if it bothers you that much get in contact with Murray show, Isabel said. This is nothing compared to stuff this guy deals with.
How do I find him? Carissa asked.
Go the internet ‘cause that’s where you find all kinds of stuff. How about your grand ma? I mean where is she now?
She is been long dead! Carissa responded. She passed on when I was about nine years old. Like I said, before she died everything was cool ‘cause she and grand pa got along so good and they together took good care of me. They put me up in school, gave me whatever I wanted and always made sure I was ok. Girl, those were happy days long gone bye! And then my Aunt…
Is that another one? Isabel cut in.
No. I have only one Aunt ‘cause she is my mom’s only sibling and her elder sister. She used to come around to visit a lot at grandma’s place and I always wished she was my mom you know, but she is not! I guess things never work out good for the cursed soul I’m.
Carissa I’ve told you to stop saying that about yourself, remember? Stop putting yourself down and bringing bad luck to yourself, okay? Baby, you got to be hard!
I know! Not that I think negatively or anything like that but this thing I say is real! Ok listen to this! I was seven years old, happily enjoying my life when after school one day instead of grandma who usually picks me up, my grand pa showed up me up as usual but my grandpa showed up instead. I remember asking him, where is my grandma? And he told me she is in the hospital ‘cause she isn’t feeling so good! How long is she gonna stay? I asked him. And he said, a few days or some-n. Then he took me to go be with my Aunt till grandma get better. I was so saddened by it all ‘cause I never wanted to be without my grandma, understand I didn’t even know the worst was yet to come ‘cause that was how it happened I never ever went back to my grandparents again. Few days turned into weeks and months and it went on and on until that day grandma died. What happened? Isabel asked.
She had breast Cancer. That was what they told me. And I guess the thing runs in family, right? So you see why I say what I say? My Aunt always said grandma’s cancer was not discovered on time ‘cause she was almost dead when they found out she got it. Oh my grand ma was a very strong woman, so she was probably dealing with her sufferings on her own without telling anybody ‘cause she didn’t want me to know what was going on. And by the time she spoke out, she was almost dead. My Aunt took me many times to go see her in the hospital ‘cause she was in there for so long before she passed on. That’s the thing about cancer; it stays with you a long painful time before it kills you if you failed to find it before it begins to bug you. My Aunt talked to me a lot about that stuff ‘cause she is a nurse and understood what grandma went through. Actually she knew grand ma was gonna die when she did.
You must have cried a lot, Isabel said.
Oh yes! I sure did! I couldn’t even eat anything for days. My Aunt tried to help me but she too was grieving. I was however secretly hoping that something good might come out of it all. That somehow it would be the opportunity for me to meet with my mom ‘cause I was thinking she will be at the funeral.
Yeah! I understand! And she didn’t make it, ha?
Yelp!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
It’s ok! Carissa continued. I don’t even think about that part anymore, understand? Anyways, it was after grandma’s funeral that I started living with my Aunt who was getting ready for retirement at the time. She had no children of her own and never got married so we were always together whenever she is at home and that’s why she bored me to hell with all kinds of stuff and how I learnt some things from her too. She wanted marriage though but she was the type that believes so much in giving your heart to your true love. I think that was what held her back for so long. Anyways there was this guy she was going steady with before I left but I don’t know if they got married or not. I’m not even interested in all that shit any more.
True love! Isabel began. What does that mean? Nothing! Is all bullshit to me! People pretend and fake all sorts of things to get what they want when they want it, that’s it! It is really hard to know a mind’s contrive by facial expression, so there is no way you’ll ever know who is true to you. People lie, deceive and do all sorts of things in the name of love but they seek their personal gender. I ain’t into that true love bullshit ‘cause nobody is ever gonna give it to me. It’s all gimmick! A game of sort and what Isabel is gonna be doing is play along. I mean have all the fun that I can before I get out of the fucking world. Tell me something, did she party a lot? Isabel said this with a hint of humor.
Baby that mama did whatever she wanted. She didn’t really do things like old school guys you know. Like she says to me, “Child take control of your mind and you pull out of anything. Child, mind is the driver!” She says shit like that! Carissa continued.
That’s cool though! How old is her boyfriend?
I don’t know ‘cause I never asked my Aunt but he is a cool guy.
Is all because you’re Aunt got some dough, understood? Still the same whole damned shit I’ve been talking out. They’re not gonna like you if you got nothing.
Isabel it doesn’t happen like that always. At times, character really counts, looks too sometimes, but character most! My grandma was not rich but my grandpa adored her till her dying day. He was with her and stood by her throughout her hospital days. Infect that man lived in the hospital with my grand ma yet she lived on section eight and depended on social security for almost everything. Anyways, she was one of a kind though. One hell of a good woman that mama was. Any man would have been with her Carissa added.
Those are old school stuff you are talking about Carissa ‘cause these days things are different. Everything has turned upside down.
You‘re right in some ways! May be is all about faked love, I don’t know. But I think there are still good ones out there and I’m hoping I find one for myself someday! To be honest though, my Aunt’s boyfriend is also well off on his own. His name is Kevin. My Aunt used to take me to his house sometimes and I can say his house is even cozier than my Aunt’s place. Even in these days, sometimes people get lucky and find their sole mate and when that happens, every other thing fall in place.
You see! You only act dumb Carissa and you know that? Where you acting lik
e this with your Aunt?
I always act the same way.
Is like she let you do whatever you wanted, that’s what I can see, Isabel continued.
Knop! Carissa responded. You are wrong! She made sure I went to school, gave me food and bore me with her fancy talks but she was never really there for me, get what I am saying? Besides, there was never a real bound between us. Most weekends she left me all by myself at home and I’ll be worried sick. Sunday nights were my nightmares ‘cause she would have me stay alone in my room in the dark and would be gone all night. I used to be scared and cried until I wore myself down with fear and fall asleep but then she would be home early Monday morning to make sure I got in the school bus and went to school. May be she wanted me to do good though, but I just couldn’t figure how when she never showed she really cared. For instance, she never listened when I tried to say my feelings but prefers doing all the talking. She wants me to stay in school but she never ever helped out with home works ‘cause she didn’t give the time. She never even tried to find out how I was doing in school, understand? Even though she talked to me about doing well and how she was gonna help me all the way, but turn the pages and see what my class works looked like, she never did that! She didn’t even buy me fancy cloths yet she had lots of money. Anyways, looking back now, I don’t think it was all that bad, understand? Whatever it was I got from her was better than my mom did, that’s how I see the whole thing. And her boring talks were not all useless either ‘cause I still picked up a whole lot.
I know her type. She must be some sort of Christian woman, right? Isabel said.
She goes to church and all that and there is something in her that really wants to do well. Carissa said. May be that is why she hated it so much when I told her lies I don’t know. And she will always be telling me same old shit if she sensed I wasn’t telling her the truth. Always! Same shit! “Child!” You need not lie to me at all. Always tell me the truth ‘cause lies will do nothing but bring you down!” And the way she will say the down thing, will make me feel it right in my blood like I’m already going down, get what I’m saying? “Child telling lies is like inflicting yourself by your own hands ‘cause punishment for lies is that the one who lies knows the truth of the matter, a truth he hates to admit. Besides people tell lies ‘cause of the emptiness they feel, so lies replace what they know they don’t have. Is like daydreaming! But child tell me, how can I help you if I don’t know the whole truth in a situation”