by Gloria Obizu
Come-on now Carissa! Did you buy that crap?
You know me Isabel! I lie more than anything in the world. For short I’m the lie itself, laughs. I don’t even understand why she makes such a big fuss about that shit. Come to think of it lies come in handy sometimes, don’t you think so?
Yeah! You’re right! I’m one hundred percent with you in that! Isabel concurred.
Sure! I remember some stuff that happened when I was about eleven years old. Carissa continued. That time I used to hang out with other kids in this really bad neighborhood. There, it was nothing but gangs, drugs, killings and the Police; those were the kind of stuff happening in that neighborhood. We knew the gang members, we knew who belonged where and some of us even did some errands for the boys for a fee. We helped out with their drug stuff, understand? They gave it to us to hide when they got tipped off that the Police guys will be coming around ‘cause the cops never suspected we kids had the stuff, understand? You know, they will be thinking we were just kids, but we were doing much more than they knew.
Cool kids! Isabel said.
And one day, I was there to pick up some package from one of those drug guys but the Police were hanging around. Suddenly they sneaked up on us like some kind of thieves and guess who they came for? The same guy I went to help. So they caught and put that handcuff thing on him. Baby, I was really scared and didn’t know what to do. Then the Police were asking a whole lot of questions from everyone until they got to me and said; do you know this guy I noticed the guy was looking me straight in the eyes. I know I went there to pick up shit from him but I wasn’t gonna say to the Police yes, I know him. Ok, tell me some-n, was I to make that kind of slip so as to be seen as not lying?
Hail no! I’ll never do that! Isabel responded.
And I did what I had to do to save my ass, get what I’m saying? I lied to the men in uniform like always. I know they gonna take him away but I also know that for some reasons he will be back for sure ‘cause that’s what happens anyways. They take them away and you don’t see them for a while and all of a sudden they show up like a dog that wondered away from home and you see them still doing the same thing ‘cause they never learn and turn their asses around until they put them away for good. So supposedly I told the Police the truth and all that, what happens to me when they let him loss after he is done his time in jail. Girl, I wasn’t just ready for the consequences of saying what I know I shouldn’t be saying, so I denied it all. I never saw him before now, that was what I told the Police and that was what everyone else around said and they just let me go. If my Aunt was there, I’m sure she would have said to me, child! Tell them the truth! I don’t really understand her. Isabel a whole lot happened to me at that period in my life. Some I’ve never talked to anyone about, not even Tasha, another of my best friend. But I’m gonna let you know cause you are like a sister to me, understand? I regard you as that family I don’t have so I always tell you my secrets. And now talking in a very low tune, she said, See, I got raped by some nasty guy!
For real! Isabel reacted.
Yeah! It happened to me!
How old were you! Isabel wanted to know.
May be eleven or twelve, I’m not so sure. I don’t really like thinking about it, Carissa continued.
Did you talk to your Aunt about it?
No! I didn’t want any damned soul hear of it ‘cause my name will be all over the place. Get what I’m saying? I just couldn’t stand the embarrassment so I swallowed my pain. I believe I’m better off with the way I took it ‘cause with that Aunt of mine, everyone would have heard. My pictures would have even showed up on the damned TV. So I hid it! You are the first and the last person that will ever hear of this. That was my first experience being with a guy, understand? But when I got it over with I hooked up with one other guy , I was fifteen then. And know what? After I was with this guy for a while I got pregnant. Carissa said with some sort of sparkle in her eyes.
Oops! Isabel exclaimed.
He was one of those gang guys, yeah! He gave me the bump ‘cause I was always hanging out in all the places that Aunt of mine disapproved of.
What’s his name?
Anthony! And I really wanted to keep the baby but my Aunt wouldn’t hear anything of it. She said the baby got to go, you know?
Like abortion thing? Isabel asked.
Smart babe! Carissa exclaimed. That’s the thing! Abortion! And I was thinking how could she be talking about all these nice ways I’m supposed to be acting and then turn around and want me take out my own baby. That was really confusing to me. I didn’t want my baby taken so I tried to make her understand my feelings but she wouldn’t listen to me and I thought she was being selfish. You know, like I said, she was a nurse so she knew how to deal with stuffs like that, right? And then she took me to some place and had me have it taken out and I didn’t like that. She never gave that baby a chance and there was nothing I could have done to stop her. The whole thing still bothers me till now, understand? I don’t even know if I’ll ever make babies again, get what I’m saying? And I don’t think she realizes I’ve not forgiven her for that till this day. I know she may be thinking in her mind, oh, I did my little niece some favor but that was the wrong kind for me. She is some kinda lady. She is so much into herself!
Did she say why she did what she did? Isabel inquired.
What else other than that I’m too young to have a baby and all that. But I believe is because she didn’t want the responsibility that would have come with it, Carissa said.
Come to think of it, she was right Carissa. Where will you be by now if you had a baby at the age of fifteen? Come- on now! Baby we have to be practical! You would have ended up just like one of those baby mamas and that’s not good for any girl, Isabel said.
That is not to say what she did was right anyways! Abortion or whatever can’t be an option, Carissa continued.
Then prevention is! Isabel said. There are many ways to stop it from happening in the first place, okay? You should have thought of that.
Baby I was just fifteen! I had no ideas! Carissa continued, trying to rationalize
Oh come-on! You had ideas on how to do stuff with guys, right? Then you should have had other ideas! But when you don’t have any ideas, don’t try stuff to complicate matters. Anyways, I still think your Aunt did you right. I’m sure you probably would have done it again if not for her disapproval, Isabel said. Anyways all she did was distance me from herself and made me seek love in all the wrong places until I met this other guy and my life changed for good. His name was Silas. Baby, I messed with this Silas of a guy for long behind her back yet she had no clue what was going on ‘cause she was too busy elsewhere, understand? And since she didn’t trust that I know how to do a damn thing right, I didn’t trust her either and wasn’t telling her a damn thing. My only regret now is that Silas was another real do mother fucker. In shot that whole neighborhood was cursed. When Silas started trying to get me to be with him I was really scared about what my Aunt would do if she found out I started another thing, get what I’m saying? But he was really nice to me and that kinda made me felt wanted. For the first time since my grandma’s passing I found someone who really cared and stopped thinking of myself as a worthless son of a bitch. I took pride in myself and cared more about my looks. I’ll hide from my Aunt and hit the salon at times to get my hair done, my nails fixed and all the damned things babes do to look good since I didn’t want another babe take him from me ‘cause the moment I fell for him, I was far gone. God knows I’m telling you the truth.
I believe you! So what happened then? Isabel asked.
He noticed I kind of liked him a lot but was careful with the whole thing ‘cause I was a minor them, understand? We went out to the movies and other fun places all the time and when people get curious we pretended he was my elder brother and stuff like that and everyone will just chill. It was Silas
who taught how to do drugs and shit and I think he was a very good teacher. We used to spend most Sunday nights at my Aunt’s place ‘since she would be gone to spend the weekend with her boyfriend. I would close the door but leave it unlocked then he would sneak in ‘cause we didn’t want anybody notice what was going on and he didn’t want my Aunt get a clue of it at all.
You can’t bet on that! Isabel responded. I’m sure there must have been some nosey folks who must have sniffed his presence but chose to look the other way. You know how folks can be nosy and shit, don’t you?
May be! But I wasn’t thinking about it at the time ‘cause all that was in my mind was Silas, Carissa continued. It was all good though until that day he called and said he was breaking up with me but I refused to yield ‘cause I couldn’t picture myself living without him anymore. I remembered I was in tears pleading with him to tell what I did wrong.
Why? In your place Isabel will hang up on his face right away and forget about him there and then. That’s the best way to deal with that kind of nonsense. He probably was bluffing or something!
I didn’t think so and needed some kind of explanation.
And what did he say?
Nothing that made sense to me at all! Carissa said. But I was saddened by it all that I wasn’t eating nor sleeping much, understand? My Aunt noticed and thought I was not feeling well and began bugging me about it all and stuff but I never told her a damned thing about Silas. She thought may be another baby was on the way and was trying so hard to make me say so, but she was wrong. But just when I thought I was getting over him, Silas called to say he wanted me back and that was how we switched to level two and he began using me in some bad ways. He kind of knew my Aunt was living it off well, so he began asking me to steal money from her and give it to him.
You bought that shit?
I mean initially l didn’t wanna do it! But you see, whenever he asked me to do stuff and I refuse, he would start calling me this wired kinda name. Oh Carissa you’re nothing but a Bimbo, he would say to me. And both girls had a good laugh at that. Isabel! Carissa continued, we may be laughing now but I tell you, it wasn’t funny at all then. Now hear him continue; and since I don’t mess with them Bimbos, I’m gonna have to let you go and get me some rich babe.
Was he that nasty and cheap?
Yeah! But once he calls me that wired name I would do whatever it takes to prove to him that I’m not one of the so called damned Bimbos, whatever that means. That’s how I began stealing money from my Aunt and taking it to him ‘cause my Aunt could be everything but careful. Probably because she wasn’t used to kids hanging around her, she got careless and used to throw her wallet and stuff around.
She didn’t discover her money was missing or what? Isabel asked.
I’m not sure, but even if she did, she didn’t say anything to me about it just then. Actually it took a long time before she confronted me. She called me into her room one day and began talking to me about the evils of stealing and where thieves end up like I’ve never heard the fucking word, jail in my entire life. Eventually she came around and said, Carissa you’ve been taking my money, haven’t you? And I lied to her like I always. I’ve never touched your damned forking money, I snapped, acting like I was really mad. She had to call me in for this sort of conversation a few times and if I could still remember, it was on the third occasion that I pretended I was really mad and started acting out like one hell of a wild cat. Are you accusing me? I screamed at her face. Say you are fed up and want me out of your house and I’ll leave. The best part is you’re never gonna see me again, so what’s this whole thing about accusations and stuff, eh? Carissa continued laughing as she talked. And my Aunt went; “Is like you don’t wanna be here no more”. And I’m like, “not if you continue to accuse me!” So she kept quit and just went about her business and I continued with my stealing but in smaller amounts. For a long time she said nothing anymore so I thought she didn’t mind missing small change, know what I mean? It never crossed my mind that Silas was aiming for a bigger take until the day he convinced me to steal a large sum and I told him I’ve to wait till I find that kind of money. Somehow, the chance came sooner than I imagined and I took it. It was on an evening and I saw my Aunt’s wallet loaded with cash lying right there on the couch in the living room unattended.
That was kind of a trap right there! You should have guessed Carissa!
Yeah! Like you could feel me right now! I really had my doubts about the ease with which the shit was lying there but I couldn’t resist. I didn’t wanna disappoint Silas for any reason whatsoever, so I went for it. I didn’t even care to count the money but I knew it was a whole lot, so I acted real stupid, emptied the entire dough in the wallet and left home immediately for Silas’s place. And like he knew what was coming for him, he was right there waiting for me. As soon as he noticed I had a lot of money on me, he snatched the bag off me my shoulder with such a greed I’ve never seen in anybody. And then, he just took the money, tossed me my bag and said “you’ve got to run home now kid” He has never called me kid before now but that was what he chose to call me right then. I kind of looked at him in a mean way and stormed out of his house. I never said a word to him.
Isabel when I got home, hell broke loss. My Aunt was waiting for me in the living room ‘cause it was a set up just like I thought. A hidden camera had captured my every move and that was it. What more lies could I tell, eh?
Wow! Sounds kind of scary!
My Aunt was really mad with me and showed it. She wasn’t talking to me for days. I went back to Silas and told him what happened to see if he could return the money but he got real mean. “If you ever say anything to anybody about this, I’ll make sure I seek you out wherever you may be hiding and kill you and that old Aunt of yours too. And let me tell you some, I never want you near me again, bitch” That was what Silas told me.
No! No! He did not. Isabel reacted.
Wait! I haven’t finished. “You are a minor and should go be with guys your age ‘cause I never ever mess with minors. Now scram! Get out of my place ‘cause I got things to do, fool” And he chased me away like an animal or something.
Are you kidding me or something? What did you do after that?
My little heart was almost broken and I cried like I never did. My Aunt tried everything to find out what I did with the money but I never told her the truth. I simply said it was stolen from me by some guys on my way to school and good enough she didn’t go to the Police.
See what I have been saying? Isabel said. If you give a guy that kind of a chance, he messes you up. They don’t really care about you if you don’t have what they need!
I now know better! I guess you’ll be a fool first before you know how to act right! Carissa said.
I still feel bad that you let the mother fucking Silas get away with all he did. Isabel said. You should have done something real bad to him to teach him a lesson.
That sort of thing never crossed my mind! Besides, I didn’t want to do anything that will get back to my Aunt, so I played everything real cool and let it go. But I swore that kind of thing will never happen to me again and it has never happened again.
I’m not sure about that though ‘cause you almost fucked up with Teri last night. You better start learning real fast or another Silas may not be too far away.
No! Not again! Some day when I’m old enough to judge things for myself, I might decide to try one of those things my Aunt always talked about and see if there is anything anywhere like true love and all that. Like I said, I already figured my Aunt wasn’t wrong with all she did. After all she thought me how to cook those dishes I make and you’ll never stop eating.
The cheese burger too? Isabel asked.
Yeah!! Carissa confirmed. I used to watch her read all sorts of books, too. She could sew her own cloths and make all her beddings by herself. She did a lot of knitting and
used to make very beautiful sweat shirts, hats, bags and all sorts. She made some beautiful patterns on Pillow cases that I couldn’t take my eyes away from. Is just that I wasn’t really cracking my brain then and trying to figure how she did all that ‘cause I would rather go and hang out with my friends and party, watch the damned TV or do the video games we used to circulate among friends then.
Tell me about it! Wait a minute! After the Silas stuff what was the consequence from your Aunt like? Isabel asked and anxiously waited for answer.
Baby that was huge! She said she was gonna find me a Home.
Find you a Home?
Yeah! She didn’t wanna put up with me anymore!
For real!
Ehen! And she would have done it but I ran away ‘cause I didn’t want to live in any of such Homes she was talking about. So I bolted to make her change her mind and it worked.
Where did you go Carissa?
To the street! I was on the street for about a week before they found me but Isabel that was one hell of a week of unforgettable experiences. That was the time I hooked up with Tasha. Girl! I tell you some-n; Tasha was one hell of a street wise kid at the time. When I met her she and her brother whom she said was hit and killed by a crazy guy in a car have been running from her dad and step mom for months. She was always sad then but very smart. She knew every nook and crannies of the street and without her I don’t think I would have survived for more than a day out there. She also knew how and where to find food which was very important to me, just as she was really fast with her fingers. That girl was slick! She could lift your bag off your shoulders without you feeling a damned thing. Shop lifting was her specialty. Tasha could take any damned thing she wanted from any store and nobody would notice. I don’t know how she did all that shit but I tell you some, I had respect for that babe.