ANOTHER KIND OF DIAMOND

by Gloria Obizu

  As for my mother, looking back from the eyes of a child, I don’t recall her having so much influence in my life except for the times Norman had to be away from home and she will be compelled to do things for me otherwise it was always dad and me. He even gave me my regular bath and dressed me in expensive clothing ‘cause my mom was always busy elsewhere and rarely at home. She worked as a bar attendant in a night club, and some days at a restaurant far away from home and for some reasons she just loved working nights. Sometimes when she leaves for work, I and Norman may not see her for a day or so and then she will return home one day and everything will be ok between him and dad for a while and they will start arguing a lot and she will leave again and it goes on and on like that.

  At about age six, I began noticing some of the other sides of Norman that I thought weren’t so cool! After she said that she paused for another while and just to encourage her to continue Gary asked. What are these his other sides like?

  Hummmm! She began. He was alcoholic and a very bad one at it. Sometimes, he got drunk, became violent and took it all on my mother and they’ll start fighting. At times he would hit her so hard that my mom will fall and pass out, but then he will help her get back on her feet again. Other times he would talk to her in a very mean way and mom will talk back at him and they would go like kids do and it never stopped. Many a times I heard my mother cry, sometimes I heard her plead with him to change his ways but Norman never cared. Is not like mother made matters better ‘cause whenever Norman went out of town, other men would be coming into the house to be with her. Sometimes too, when mother worked night, Norman would bring other girls to the house and do whatever he wanted with them. As for me I didn’t fancy any of these at all and was always scared about what they might do to each other. I mean, they could hurt themselves and I didn’t wanna lose either of them, you know what I mean? I didn’t know what might happen.

  Mom was very careless with stuff too, and never cared to clean the house or keep things where they are supposed to be and Norman was always the one cleaning after her and doing house chores since he was home most times. I recall this one day he found a gift some gay gave to my mother and how he bit the shit out of her that she stayed home for one week and for someone like mom that was a very long week.

  Did she dial 911 to report any of these happenings?

  No! Mother never called the cops on Norman. Not for once. One time though, she did threaten him like that but I was crying and pleading with her ‘cause I didn’t want my dad go to jail and she dropped it.

  Wow!

  Yeah! I guess I know better now! Another pause before she continued. After my eight birth day, things began to appeal to me more and events around me began to clarify in more detailed ways. I began not to like mother so much but my feelings for Norman never changed. If anything it got even stronger because from the way my mother was going about stuff, I thought she didn’t really care about me. I mean she was never there, so I never felt that closeness of a mom I so desperately longed for. See, I’m one of those girls that matured real fast. At age eight I looked ten and did things like a ten years old would so I kind of had this idea in my head that I understood everything.

  One time, my mother took a two week vacation and travelled to some country with some of her girlfriends . On that same night she went away something really strange happened. Norman opened the door to my room and walked in while I was lying on my bed and reading this very interesting novel on something about romance he bought for me. You know, is not like I saw anything unusual with him coming into my room ‘cause that wasn’t the first time that sort of thing happened, understand? So as usual, I thought he wanted to tell me some tale or ask for something as he did on occasions but today he acted kind of different forcing me to drop the book and began watching him. And all of a sudden, he sat down on my bed and began telling me how much he loved and cared about me and about all the good things he has in stock for me so I got excited, got up from my bed and sat by his side. I could smell alcohol all over him and the way he acted I knew he was soaked but I knew him to be like that sometimes so that didn’t really bother me. Then, without warning, he began touching me in certain ways he had never done before and I felt that was kind of embarrassing. What is he trying to do? I remembered thinking and my basic instinct kind of closed up my body and I held on so tight just to make him back off, but he kept on talking to me real nice and kind of saying really sweet things to me, so I didn’t know what to do or say. I wanted out so desperately but seeing there was no way that could happen, I thought it could be better to know precisely what he wanted, then I mellowed completely and at that point he had his way and did it to me.

  What did he do to you?

  That was the first night Norman slept with me.

  What do you mean by that, he slept on you bed or what? Gary asked.

  You know, what men and women do together. I’m so hurt by it all that I just can’t use the word even now as I’m speaking to you.

  You mean he had sex with an under aged girl?

  Yeah! Scans exchanged by the Officers, Gary took everyone back on track right away with the words, please continue Miss Diamond! What happened after?

  I can’t remember what I was thinking at the time but he fell asleep by my side. And then I got up to go use the bathroom and noticed, blood trickling down my legs, all of a sudden I felt the pain and that scared the shit off me! I tried to wake him up and talk to him about it but he wouldn’t come full circle and that got me really upset. I was afraid the bleeding was never gonna stop and I might die but if I live through it all, my mom will definitely find out and I will be in trouble. So I really wanted him to get up and stop the bleeding ‘cause I thought he was capable of doing everything but he continued to act wacky. Not knowing what to do more, I just lied quietly beside him but couldn’t sleep ‘cause I was hurting so bad that at every single bit of my heart I thought I was gonna die. I actually felt I was beginning to stop breathing at a point and jumped out of bed, shock him so hard trying to wake him up, still he continued to act wacky. So I left him alone and rushed to the bath room to see how much I was bleeding but to my amazement it was not there anymore. I couldn’t believe my eyes but was thankful to God that it went away so I washed myself real clean and went back to lie down. Yet the pain persisted and thinking about the whole thing made me cry and I cried a long time. I was still crying when he woke up so suddenly drew me closer and held me tight to his body. I could still smell the drink and thought he was gonna do it to me again but he started talking to me real nice until I calmed down. I talked to him about the bleeding and the pain and he said he will give me something for the pain and that everything will be alright by morning. Then he went and got me two white tabs and a glass of water, I took those and eventually fell asleep.

  And like your mom you probably didn’t call the cops? Gary asked.

  I told you I loved the man, understand? That was my dad, okay? I was protecting him. I never wanted any harm come to him no matter what he did.

  What he did to you was unspeakable. It was horrible to say the list, Gary bellowed.

  Do you think I realized how bad it was then? She reacted with a hint of anger

  I don’t know!

  If you must know, I was only eleven years old okay?

  But you were bleeding and in pain, probably lots of pain. That could have told you something wasn’t right, Gary continued.

  The bleeding stopped and he gave me something for the pain.

  Ok! Did you ever talk to your mom about it? Gary continued.

  Never! I didn’t trust her that much and I didn’t know what she was gonna do to me, understand?

  About how old was this guy Norman when all these were happening?

  I don’t know and I don’t care.

  Wow! What happened next?

  He told me not to talk to my mom or anyone else about what
happened ‘cause my mom could get mad and harm me and I believed him. The next day was a Saturday so I didn’t have to go to school but by Monday I was feeling much better so I went. Even then I was still scared ‘cause I thought someone might notice something different about me and start talking since there were a lot of loud mouthed kids at school and my teacher too who always talked about everything one did wrong. But it was only one time a girl called Ashley said something to me. She was like, hey Nicole! You are kind of cool today, what’s up with you? And I quickly walked away from her. Apart from that, the day was like any other normal school day except that I couldn’t focus in my class work. When Norman came to get me after school, he was really nice and on our way home he stopped at our favorite store and got me some Vanilla Ice Cream and a couple of handmade chocolates that I used to like a lot. When we got home, he came to me again and started touching me all over and kissing me in the mouth but he didn’t do it. Funny as it may seem, my feelings for him didn’t really change, if anything I began to like him in a different way. I felt there is a secret both of us shared which gave me some power and control over him and I determined to keep that intact. And then whenever he is not around me I’ll be imagining all sorts of things. For instance, I used to wonder whether he did the same thing he did to me with my mom or with some other girls he brought home when mom will be gone. And I said to myself that if I find out he does it to my mom or the other girls, I’m gonna hate both of them for it.

  A knock at the door and nurse Jaclyn came in to interrupt a second time. Officer is time for her meds again, so you need excuse us for a short while. The men left while the nurse did what she had to do before they returned.

  How are you feeling Miss Diamond? Gary asked.

  I don’t know! I just wanna get stuff off my chest, that’s all I can tell you.

  So you want to continue with the interview?

  Yeah! I’ve lived with this mess all my life that I even consider what we are doing right now the chance to state my own side of the story ‘cause I know how people are hasty to pass judgment over others but themselves.

  Fair enough! You may continue when you are ready! Gary said.

  Okay! I was thinking about it while you guys went out and I now remember that in my mother’s room, there was this large closet which could take any grown man. So I decided I was gonna hide in there one day and see what went on between this guy and my mother when they are by themselves, understand? Meanwhile, at every opportunity, I would hide at any corner I could find just to listen or see what went on between both. I wanted to hear what they say, to see what they do, I wanted to understand and I wanted to know every damn thing that happen when they are together. Oh yes, every single bit of it! But they always locked the door when inside and because of that I never saw anything. I do hear their arguments a lot but that was it. I was so riveted with all these things that I hardly did anything with my peers and friends anymore.

  Before the whole thing started I was doing so well in school. I made a lot of As and a few Bs but never a C. With my new life in Norman my grades started dropping but I couldn’t care less. My mom wasn’t even around to notice, so it made no difference at all. The only person that would have noticed was Norman, but if he did, he said nothing and did nothing about it since all he cared about then was for my body and how to use it. And as long as he was getting what he wanted, nothing else mattered.

  At a point it occurred to me that my mom took Norman’s attention from me because whenever she was home, he would pay me little attention and would rather be in the room with her all day long and I’ll be in my room imagining all sorts of things and thinking of how to get at her. There was a time I wished my mom would go somewhere far away and never come back so I can have Norman all by myself. And the older I got the worse things got for me until I went into some sort of depressive moods, lost appetite and interest in everything. I would easily get in trouble with other students in school ‘cause of wrong signals I would be sending out there and would be getting back. My teacher started noticing how I was turning out and started complaining but as you can imagine she was complaining to none but deaf ears. Tell me! Who would listen to her? Me? Was it Norman or my mom? Who? Nobody! ‘Cause we were all very busily engaged in different ways.

  Then came one day, my mom was alone in bed and I watched her until she fell asleep, so I sneaked into their room. And knowing that Norman was gonna come home any time soon, I hid myself inside the closet, made up a small opening so I could see everything in the room and waited.

  I must have been in there for who knows how long when I noticed the door opened and Norman walked in. I could tell by the way he was breathing and acting and by the reek of alcohol all over that he again had too much to drink. Then he was gonna come to the closet or something, ‘cause I saw him walking towards me but somehow he changed his mind for whatever reason and backed off. All of a sudden, he walked to the dresser, stood there looking at it for a while before his hand went to his pocket and out came a gun. I watched as he put it away in a drawer before he kind of yanked his clothes off his body and threw everything everywhere, then opened a can of beer and gulped like the damned horse. The whitish foam from the beer lined his bushy moustache as usual and then he threw himself on the bed like the sad idiot he was and started agitating my mom real bad calling her all sorts of names. “He was like wake up bitch!” “Are you gonna lay there and sleep away like the damned pig you are, eh?” Suddenly he changed and began acting like he is sober and started talking real nice to her and was touching her just like he used to touch me. Then my mom began to come around and began to touch him too and they were all over each other and I watched him doing with my mother the same thing he does with me and for whatever reason, the whole thing was so much upsetting to me that I barely managed to hold myself down in the closet.

  After I watched everything that they did with each other, I swore I will never do it with him again ‘cause I just hated both of them. Is like my feelings for him came crashing down ‘cause I thought he betrayed me in some ways.

  How old were you when this particular event happened?

  About twelve!

  So, you guys have been doing this thing for about a year before that day you saw him with your mom.

  Yeah!

  Please continue!

  And what happened was that the next day, after my mother left for work and Norman was in the shower, I sneaked into their room ‘cause I wanted to get his gun. I found there were two guns in the drawer. I took out one and started looking it up but the shower stopped running, so I put the thing away and left the room quickly.

  Later, after I’ve gone to bed, Norman came into my room and laid beside me but I refused to pay him attention yet he started touching me his usual way. I got mad and told him right in his face to leave me the hell alone but he wouldn’t burg. “Baby, what’s gotten into you tonight, eh?” I heard him utter. I still said nothing but laid there guarding my body with all the energy I could muster. Instead of leaving, since he knew I wasn’t gonna yield, he continued touching me all over until I could take it no more and tried to get away from him, he wouldn’t let me go but kind of pinned me to the bed and forced himself on me. I was trying to yell but he covered my mouth with one of his hands and forced even more and continued to force until he found a way and did what he wanted to do.

  You are talking rape here. Do you understand that?

  I had no clue what it was then!

  And you still didn’t call the cops on him?

  No! What happened was that after, I kind of hated myself so much because of my helplessness. I was thinking I could have done something to hurt him but I didn’t know how! I remembered his nasty Moustache that tickles me sometimes and I thought I could have pulled so hard on that to make him bleed, but again I knew my power was no match to his. So I started crying in agonizing sort of way and it was for a very long time. Anyways he wasn�
��t even hearing me ‘cause he was already snoring away like the lazy drunk he was. I thought of the gun in the closet and was gonna go get it and shot him right then but I just couldn’t find the courage. I mean he could wake up, see me with the gun, take it from me and shot me instead since there were just the two of us in the house. So, I laid back and cried till he woke up and without saying anything to me he left the room and banged the door so loud like he was mad or something. And I was still lying there, crying and I remembered thinking, what is he mad for? Who is supposed to get mad, he or me? So many things were going through my mind that I thought my head will burst. At a point I even considered killing myself but is just that I couldn’t figure how to do it without pain. Somehow, after a long while, I managed to get over my feelings but one thing triumphed that night and that was my hatred for Norman.

  Yet you didn’t tell your mom and you didn’t dial 911!

  I didn’t! They could hurt me if I called the cops. Besides what would mom do about it anyways, nothing! She may even decide to start digging and find out I’ve been sleeping with the guy behind her back and I wasn’t just ready for the consequences so I chose to keep the whole thing to myself. You must understand there wasn’t much bond between me and my mom because of Norman’s influence and I never tried to confide personal matters to her like every other girl ‘cause she just didn’t show enough interest.