I ripped the paper back from him. That’s not what I meant.
He took both my hands in his. I hoped he couldn’t feel me trembling. “Angel, you turned my world upside down. If that’s not real, I don’t know what is. But this is what I do. I fight. I fuck up. I’ve been honest with you the entire time. I can keep it separate. The important question is, can you?”
ELEVEN
Shea
This wasn’t just another fight. Everything was on the line.
Until now, fighting had been easy money. Something I would’ve done for free because I needed to work through the aggression, communicate the only way I knew how. But now it could cost me everything, and I didn’t seem so worth it.
I had to make Delaney understand why I did this. Fuck, I didn’t want to be living with my brother, watching him play house with his new family, hitching rides to work for the rest of my life. Now that I met Delaney, I wanted something of my own. Of our own. And this was the only way I could do it.
I never looked at the crowd when I came in the ring. It was all just noise. Some people fed off the adrenaline, but my fight came from inside me. Tonight I couldn’t take my eyes off of my angel, sitting by my corner. Cass held one hand, Trina the other. Delaney glowed, even in this dark and dingy bar. Her eyes were bright with fear, and she sat on the edge of her seat, like the girls holding her were the only thing keeping her in place. I wanted to jump out of the ring and kiss the frown away, make her believe that everything was going to be okay.
I couldn’t even convince myself of that shit. I’d never lie to Delaney, even to get what I wanted.
The other guy pulled a crowd in with him, too. He was announced to way more cheers than boos.
“Focus,” Major snapped at me. “You’re not fighting a human. All those advantages are gone. This close to the shift, his stomach will be growling, waiting to feast on your fear.”
“Don’t think about Delaney,” X added. “It won’t help you. It’ll give this guy a chance to get in your head. Do what you always do. You’ve got this.” He clapped my shoulder.
Everyone in the room was on their feet. The roar of the crowd drowned out the starting bell. We didn’t need it—pure animal instinct brought us to each other. This was just like being in the dog fighting ring. Hungry, pissed off, and fighting for my freedom. I’d do anything to get it.
Some things never changed.
Jacques never hesitated to pit me against bigger guys. Stronger on paper. It worked to my advantage when I went up against a human. This guy was huge, muscle rippling under his skin like he didn’t know whether he should fight or shift. It didn’t faze me, I’d fought wolves of all sizes all my life. I never lost.
The first punch knocked the oxygen out of my lungs. I didn’t expect it. I didn’t have time to recover, I only had time to react. This bastard was fast. Faster than me. He blocked every punch I threw, landing blows to my face, ribs, and throat. Blood and sweat burned my eyes, but I wouldn’t back down. This guy was coming on with a ton of steam, and it was a shitty strategy. It was usually my strategy, but I did it because I knew my opponent would never last as long as me. The lack of respect pissed me off. I could go all night with this bastard, but I slowed down to conserve my energy for when this asshole was totally spent, then I’d beat him to the ground. I could be patient. I’d never done it before, but there was a first time for everything.
My strategy wasn’t so clear anymore, I had a hard time keeping everything straight. Punch, block, miss. Absorb the pain. Turn anger into power. Punch, miss. Blows raining down on me. My breath was ragged, thick with my own blood. I stumbled, throwing a punch and missing. A chorus of boos filled the air.
They were booing me? No fucking way. I’d fought to keep these assholes safe in the forest since I was old enough for Major to take me out with him. They’d turn on me like that? I’d give them shit, once I kicked this guy’s ass.
It better be soon, I didn’t have much more left in the tank. The next blow landed on the side of my skull. Everything went black.
— — —
“Hey, man, welcome back,” Major said. He and X hovered over me, their images shaky. I registered their frowns in the static. Shit. This wasn’t good.
I couldn’t open one eye. I felt like I was swimming in thick liquid, probably my own blood. I could taste it, metallic and rotten. I ran my tongue over my teeth--they were all still there.
“Where’s my angel?” I asked. Scabs had already formed on my words. “I want to see her.”
“She’s gone, Shea.” Cass’ blurry image came into view. “It…wasn’t good. She freaked out when the fight started, screaming as soon as you threw a punch. She wouldn’t stop. Trina and I brought her outside to get some air, but it didn’t get better. She rolled into a little ball, hysterical. I knew we shouldn’t have let her come.”
“Fuck you. Bring me to her.” I sat up as fast as I could. The room spun, my stomach churned, and I couldn’t keep it all in. My brothers grimaced, peeling the dirty blanket away.
“You can’t see her now. Your face looks like raw hamburger. Wait ‘til after the shift. You’ll heal fast,” Cass said. She attempted to run her fingers through my hair. I flinched, and her fingers caught in the drying carnage.
“No. That’s Christmas. I promised her a big Christmas.” I wouldn’t take that away from her.
Major scoffed. “She might not want to see you. You have to brace yourself for that.”
I sat up again, going for Major’s throat. I missed, grabbing his jacket instead. “You fucking asshole. You wanted me to fight. Did you think it was an easy way to get rid of Delaney? I’ve got news for you. I’ll fight for her harder than I’ve ever fought the ring.”
“You’ve never fought for anything. That’s your problem. You’ve been lucky.”
If this fucker wasn’t my brother, and I wasn’t seeing two of him right now, I’d punch him in the face. Even in my haze, I couldn’t believe Major would’ve tricked me. No. It made my whole life a lie, and I couldn’t deal with that right now.
“I’m not done. The Montana pack thinks we’re weak. They asked for you specifically, Jacques said. Wanted the strongest we’ve got, to see if they could beat us. Now they think they can get a foothold in the forest. They aren’t going anywhere. They laughed about it on the way out.”
I ignored him, turning to Cass. “Where’s Delaney? Bring me there. I’ll tell her everything. Give her the choice. Everyone’s always made up her mind for her. She hates that shit.”
“They’ll go after her next,” Major warned.
Cass squeezed my hand. “Okay. But you have to prepare yourself. She might not want to stay here.”
TWELVE
Delaney
I was back where it all began. Rolled in a ball, a prisoner of my own brain. Flashes of Shea lunging toward that man, pure animal, mixed with the sensation of the blows landing on me. The difference was I could never see my attacker. After enough blows to the head, my vision never came back. Blood flying everywhere. It filled my mouth, and I choked on my own nightmare.
I should’ve never gone to the fight. Somehow, I thought watching Shea fight would make things better for me. He’d go in the ring, he’d win, I wouldn’t freak out, and we’d walk away from it stronger.
But the fight changed him, even before he stepped in the ring. Shea’d been on point since X told him about it. Sharper, not as patient. He swore he wasn’t nervous, and nothing would change. I was willing to believe his lie until I saw his eyes in the ring. They weren’t human, and those blows may as well have been meant for me.
I wasn’t being fair to either of us. Shea said he could keep his two worlds separate, but I couldn’t see anything but him hitting that man.
“Hey,” Lyssie said when I picked my head up. I was dizzy, back in the place where time and space didn’t matter. She and Kiera hadn’t left my side since Trina brought me back to her house.
I wanted to smile, but I couldn’t. Someone placed the notebo
ok next to me but I’d either freeze, not being able to write, or not be able to stop.
“We’re going to help you get through this, no matter what that means. But can I give you a little advice? Don’t give up on Shea. He’s sitting outside and he wants to see you.” Lyssie smiled. Her whole face lit up every time she did it.
For so long my nightmares had no faces. Now they did. His.
Could I push that aside, and focus on the good stuff? The way his lips felt against my skin when he kissed me? Those liquid gold eyes that set everything inside me on fire? Go back to believing that I’d really fallen from Heaven when he called me angel? I’d hit every branch on the way down, and my wings would never work.
Before I saw Shea fight, I believed Heaven really existed. It was a private suite for two, me and him. It had been perfect, and it was gone.
I wanted to see him. I wanted him to kiss all my fear and doubt away. I wanted to give him the Christmas present I’d been working so hard on, a piece of me he could keep forever. I could do that, at least. I learned in that bar tonight that I shouldn’t make promises I couldn’t keep.
The girls scrambled, murmuring, as I climbed on the couch. I stared at Trina’s little ceramic Christmas tree. It looked ancient, and I loved how simple it was. No fuss, but the sentiment was there. I loved the giant tree at the Lowe’s house too, the smell that hit you in the face the minute you walked in, and the one strand of lights that never stopped blinking. There were so many ways to be happy.
Kiera sat next to me on the couch and squeezed my foot. “Don’t make any decisions tonight. He might look scary, but that’s nothing, Delaney. It doesn’t change who he is on the inside. He wants you to have a good Christmas, and he wants to spend it with you.”
I nodded, staring at the door. Shea kept his head low, hood up as he approached. As soon as he sat on the couch, I pulled the hood away. Hiding was as good as a lie.
Maybe I changed my mind about the lying thing.
The entire left side of his face was swollen and angry. His eye was purple and blood still marred his lip. He swallowed hard, saying nothing. I should’ve been able to keep my hands to myself, but I had to touch him. If he didn’t feel any different, maybe it had been a nightmare, and I’d wake up in his arms.
Who was I kidding? I should’ve run away from him. I’d seen what he was capable of. Exactly what got me here in the first place.
“It hurts like hell.” Shea grimaced, and I pulled my hand away. “Don’t stop. I want to feel it all. All I see when I close my eyes is you screaming. And I did that to you.”
I pulled away from him, curling my knees up to my chest. Shea put his hand on my shoulder. “You’ll kill me if you shut me out, Delaney. Please. I’ve fucked everything up for everyone. Don’t make it all be for nothing. Without you, I have nothing.”
The notebook was at my feet. I grabbed it, having to think long and hard about what I wanted to say.
I want you to fight for what you believe in. But watching you and that other man beat the crap out of each other, I could feel it happening to me. Taste it. You know what I’m talking about. Just like I can’t be near the crates at the shelter, I can’t ever see you do that again.
“You don’t have to. I’m not going to fight anymore. I’ll find a job so I don’t have to do it.”
I held my hand up, shaking my head. No. If that’s who you are, I can’t stop you from that.
“And I won’t take things away from you.” Shea sighed, looking around the room warily at our audience. Everyone was frozen in place, the tension as thick as the scabs forming on Shea’s face. I was glad we had witnesses. All of this was too surreal. I needed proof. “Give me one more day. Tomorrow’s our Christmas. After that, I might not ever see you again. Send me away with your sweet taste on my lips. Even if they’re busted.”
— — —
I stayed at Trina’s house, and I wasn’t the only one.
“They think we’re weak,” Major said. He’d come in with X and Cass following him. Keira, Lyssie, and both of Shadow’s brothers stayed, too. The full moon was tomorrow, and I’d been aware enough through my haze to know the Montana wolves weren’t happy leaving with just the fight purse. “Ryker was such a psychotic bastard, no one fucked with us. Now he’s gone, and we’re going to get this over and over again until we prove we can stand on our own.”
“From one fight? That’s bullshit. Wait ‘til were wolves. Can’t fool me twice,” Shea said.
“We’re all going in. No one goes off in less than a pair. Everyone knows where the others are at all times.” Shadow paced in the middle of the living room. “We don’t know how dirty these guys fight.”
“I do,” Shea said. I squeezed his hand. “Straight forward, and hard as hell.”
Before the fight, Christmas had been a fun distraction, but as midnight hit, it took on a sense of urgency. These were the bravest men I’d ever met, and to see them worry scared me.
“We need to get back.” Cass stood behind Major, rubbing his shoulders. He closed his eyes and sighed. “Emma will be up at the ass crack of dawn, and if we don’t have presents under the tree, those jackholes from Montana are going to be a piece of cake compared to her wrath.”
“Right?” Major laughed, and it sounded good after all the tension of the evening. He motioned to Shea and X. “Bus is leaving.”
Shea straddled my lap. I’d never get used to his beautiful face being ruined. Everyone insisted he’d be as good as new after he shifted. The thought of it made my stomach churn. I thought I could handle the fighting. I wasn’t going to fool myself, thinking the shift would be easier.
He pulled a curl away from my face, wrapping his finger around it, then kissing it. “Are you coming back with me, angel?”
Heat pulsed from his body. I fell back against the cushions, aware that every eye in the room was on us. It didn’t scare me; it gave me power. They cared about what happened, and something told me they wanted everything to work out.
I know I did.
I sat up, tracing my fingers lightly over his lip. I settled on the split, the scab rough against my fingers. Shea sighed, closing his good eye. I brushed my finger over the swell below his damaged eye, the same one that bruised in his last fight, too. He couldn’t keep doing this. He might not be fragile, but he could still break.
We’d only known each other a couple of weeks, and I knew Shea wanted respect. It would never come from fighting. If I walked away from him, he’d wallow in blood and violence.
And I’d always wonder if I threw away the best thing that ever happened to me. No. Shea was exactly what I’d prayed for, during all the years of torture and humiliation.
This wasn’t about want. We needed each other.
I untangled his fingers from my hair, and kissed each one of them before nodding.
Everyone in the room exhaled.
The Lowe’s house was so peaceful, just as we left it. The pine scent relaxed me. I already thought of this place as home. I’d miss it if I never came back. A piece of me was already here, and I could never take it with me.
Shea pulled me in under the mistletoe. “Kiss me. Hard,” he murmured. “Make me forget this shit day.”
He moaned against my lips. There was no doubt it hurt, but to not kiss him would hurt him worse. I motioned toward the stairs, taking his hand in mine and leading him to the bedroom. Major, Cass, and X settled in the living room to wrap presents and drink beer.
I sat on the bed, curling my legs into my belly. Shea opened his mouth to protest, but I shook my head. There was no reason to hide it--I was terrified--but not for the same reason he thought. I waved him over and hooked my fingers in the bottom of his sweatshirt.
“That’s exactly what I need,” he moaned. I gasped when he pulled his undershirt over his head. Angry purple bruises had blossomed across his ribcage. Shea’s eyes darkened when he saw my expression, and he sank down next to me. “I know this is bringing up some bad shit for you. But think of how strong you are. Y
ou survived, and I will, too. They can’t keep us down.”
Shea followed me down to the mattress, undressing me without saying a word. I grabbed his shoulders, pushing him down beside me and flipping up on top of him. I laughed, we were so clumsy.
“Merry Christmas to me,” Shea sighed. “I was afraid I’d never hear that noise again.”
I brought my finger to my mouth, signaling for him to be quiet. But I couldn’t stop laughing. The more I tried to keep it in, the worse it got. Shea watched me, his face glowing as much as it could through the damage. Once I calmed down, I kissed the bruises one by one. His breath stuttered in his chest every time I made contact, shivering as I ran my fingers along each slice in his skin. I couldn’t make it better, but this is what I wished someone had done for me. Just once. It would’ve made it so much easier to believe in something better.
Shea desperately wanted that too. It was ironic, that I’d be the person who could help him. Someone who’d been broken, beaten, and kept in a cage. The energy flowed between us, filling in the cracks and scars and making us whole again.
I wanted this to be love. It wasn’t perfect, but there was no alternative.
“Tell me what you want to do,” he whispered.
I moved down his body. He had to be so sore. His shaft waited for me, hard and ready. I kissed the tip and Shea moaned. There was an animal inside this man, waiting impatiently to claw his way out. The power coursed under his skin. I liked this kind of wild, so I kept doing it, taking him in my mouth, and moving up and down, just like I’d read about in my books. Shea’s fingers curled in my hair, guiding me.
“How do you know exactly what makes me feel better?” he murmured, the pulled me away from him.
Sugar, Spice, and Shifters: A Touch of Holiday Magic Page 41