Easy

by Mercedes Siler

  We’re all looking at her. I think that’s the most she’s said in this whole time we’ve known her. And I’m so fucking proud of her. She’s exultant. Jake is grinning, handing me water to give to her. I watch her drink it with pride.

  “Easy thought you ran off with Rick.” Jake says.

  She grins at me with concerned eyebrows. “Gross. I hate Rick. I needed him to take me to my parents’ house. They live about two miles away. I just wanted to do it. I didn’t want to bring the whole crew and get your pretty face smashed some more, especially with your head. I knew there would be a confrontation, and Rick probably told them all I was coming and everything.”

  “I wouldn’t get my face smashed.” I’m a great fighter. I’ve fought my way out of a few tough situations. I’m Jake’s backup. It’s because I get so hot. Once I get that mad I don’t feel anything. But she’s right, I don’t think my head could handle it.

  “He wouldn’t. He would have killed those motherfuckers and you wouldn’t have gotten your pretty face smashed.” Jake tells her, glancing at her in the rearview.

  She looks at me. “I liked it.”

  I smile. “It’s good to get even. Not even, but it’s a start.”

  “It’s all I needed. I could have kept kicking.”

  I laugh and hug her and she hugs me back, holding me hard.

  “You guys are quite a pair.” Jake shakes his head. “You’re crazy. I hate getting hit. That’s why I have Easy around,” he tells her.

  It’s true.

  “Let’s go to Nancy’s ‘til we figure out where to go next.”

  Nancy lives in Chino on a goat farm. She’s a total hippie. I don’t know if I want to smell like goats but a place to stay is a place to stay. And Jake loves goats.

  Chapter 15

  Nancy is sitting on her porch snapping the ends off green beans when we pull up. We go over and she hugs and kisses all of us and sits us down to help.

  She listens to Jake’s latest stories while Oscar shakes his head and rolls his eyes. She laughs when she’s supposed to and looks at him disapprovingly when she’s supposed to.

  She says we can stay the night, but her kids and grandkids are coming tomorrow.

  “What about you, Ezra? How’s your life?” She smiles at me.

  I love Nancy. She’s one of those people that doesn’t expect you to be anything other than the best you can be. “It’s progressing.”

  “School?”

  “Taking the fall session off to figure things out. My goal is to land a paralegal job and get a place to live before January.”

  “Hmm. I might still have some connections for you. I was an attorney, once.”

  I knew she did something with law, but I never thought she was a full-fledged attorney.

  “You?” Jake scoffs. “You’re not mean enough to be a lawyer.”

  She grins. “You’re right. I’m not. But I used to be. How do you think I got the money to be a hippie goat farmer in the middle of Chino?”

  “My mom has goats in the middle of LA and she just has kids.” He shrugs.

  She smiles at him like she does and turns her attention back to me. “I did it until I realized the people who do what they love have more love for other people.” She squeezes my cheeks. “You’ll find what you want to do and you’ll make it happen. Don’t expect everyone to applaud your efforts, because they won’t. Usually people have to live their whole lives before they put everything aside and do what you guys are doing. It takes a lot.” She sits back. “How’s your mother?”

  “The same.”

  She gives me superman eyes that can see through walls and a sad smile. Her gaze lingers until she turns to Mayyim. “Have you ever milked a goat?”

  “No.” She wrinkles her nose.

  “What about you?” she asks Oscar.

  “Every day.”

  “It’s milking time.”

  We follow her through the house and out the back. She has farm hands to do the main milking, but she has one she hand milk’s for personal use.

  “Chivas!” Jake yells, punching the air with his fists. I slap the bit of bare belly that shows from the bottom of his shirt and run and he chases me.

  “Boys are a lot like goats.” I can hear her telling Mayyim, watching us run.

  *****

  Mayyim and I explore before dinner and end up against a stack of hay in the barn. Her lips kiss as mine kiss back and my hands roam over her baby soft skin that I can’t keep from touching. I itch with urges. I keep praying but if I don’t do anything to get myself out of the situation, why should God help? I thought I would never feel this way again. Promises are hard to keep when there are so many feelings.

  Oh, God, please help me to do the right thing.

  She turns to me, running her hand up my thigh and I can feel every vibration of friction. She breathes against my ear.

  What would old Ezra do? Old Ezra would take what she wants to give me.

  I turn to her and she takes off her top. She doesn’t have a bra on. My hands do what they’re naturally supposed to until my autopilot makes me have my way with her, blood rushing where it needs to be.

  The barn doors open noisily. “Dinner time!”

  It’s Jake. And he’s hitting a triangle.

  Thank you, God. Even though it hurts.

  She’s irritated.

  I get up and run and jump on him to hug him. That was so close.

  Dinner is pasta primavera and home baked garlic bread, iced tea, and apple pie for desert. Jake talks, Nancy laughs, and Oscar rolls his eyes.

  Mayyim is quiet, reflective.

  “What’s up?” I feel raw and vulnerable. Her silence hurts.

  She looks at me, unsure. “I thought you liked me.”

  “I do!” How could she think I don’t? Oh my God!

  She raises an eyebrow.

  “I thought you said you understood and liked what I believed in?” Right? I was still concussed but I think that’s what she said.

  “I didn’t know that meant you would run away from me and jump on some boy,” she whispers.

  “He’s not some boy, he’s my best friend, and every time I’m with you I have to struggle with my sense of righteousness. And today with your touching and your breathing you made me lose that struggle, and if Jake hadn’t walked in we both know exactly what would have happened.”

  “What would have happened?” she feigns innocence.

  “Don’t piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining.”

  “How romantic.” Nancy is smiling happily. “A lover’s quarrel.”

  “Bro, I didn’t know! I’m sorry I interrupted!” Jake grins like this is a joke and not at all serious to me and my mental health.

  It’s not easy to be the only person in the whole world trying not to have sex. “Excuse me.” I tell them with my voice unrecognizably raw as I stand and leave the dining room. It’s embarrassing.

  The world doesn’t make it easy to keep it clean and sane.

  Kate messed me up bad. She took me through rollercoasters of emotions that I wasn’t ready for yet. I didn’t love her, and I didn’t like her, but I thought I did. I liked her enough to be devastated and heartbroken. I never want to feel that way again, especially with someone I like and can see myself with forever.

  I sit on the rocking chair on the porch and smoke a cigarette. It’s been a while since I’ve had one and it doesn’t quite feel the same. Mostly I’m tapping ash.

  I do want to love. But I made a promise to myself and God I would be sure this time, and if I could make a commitment then I would be able to have joy free of guilt. If I had thought of marrying Kate before any of that happened, it probably wouldn’t have happened, and I would be okay. I wouldn’t have panic attacks, and anxiety, and guilt. I wouldn’t see blood and broken glass whenever I close my eyes.

  “Hey, kiddo.” Nancy comes to sit in the other rocking chair. “Light me up one of those.”

  I light one for her and hand it over, having thoughts
of Mayyim and Jake alone in the house. What makes me so fucking different than everyone else that I can’t go and do whoever I want when I want to? I don’t go to church. I don’t associate myself with any religious organization. What am I doing this for?

  “You okay?”

  “Yeah. Having internal struggles.”

  “Wanna talk about it?”

  “How did you give up everything you had when you knew everyone would think you were completely nuts? How do you get past that?”

  “You surround yourself with others who defy social norms?”

  “There are always social norms. Even people who defy regular social norms have their own variety of social norms. They don’t understand why I don’t want to put myself in a place where I lose control. They don’t understand. So, I want to give up and give in to their norm, but if I did give up I wouldn’t like them or myself. I’m going to always be alone. Jake is probably doing her right now because I won’t.” I take a drag off my cigarette.

  “I was afraid my husband would never understand me. But somewhere along the way I discovered he loved me and that made all the difference in the world. Mayyim is washing dishes, and Jake and Oscar are making butter and cheese. I stopped them from following you. They wanted to see if you were okay. They love you. Even if they don’t understand what makes you do the things you do.”

  I watch the plume of smoke disappear into nothing. “I love them, too. And I understand what makes them do what they do.”

  “I know. Otherwise you wouldn’t worry about them.” She pats my hand. “Let’s go make butter and cheese.”

  I avoid them until we’re done and have cleaned up. Mayyim apologized to me and I to her, and we made butter and cheese. I excused myself to bed, thoughts and pain swirling around my head. I thought everything was cool until she didn’t come in my room with me. I thought she’d come in later but she hasn’t and I want to sleep.

  I can’t sleep.

  I don’t have kissing and touching before falling asleep, and I don’t have her kittenish warmth in my side or her hand on my chest.

  I think this may be the one of the emptiest nights I’ve ever had.

  I get up and follow myself to her room, letting myself in with a sick sense of dread and resignation.

  She gets up on her elbows to look at me. Her shoulders are bare. My body moves to her. I take my undies off and pull her blanket back. Getting between her thighs is so easy. If I can turn off the part of my brain that cares I can do this. I kiss her mouth and touch her face. I can see the tears in her eyes. I can’t breathe.

  I sit on the edge of the bed, my chest constricting, seeing the bloody hand I always see, red blood dripping from the long manicured fingers and broken glass all around me, cutting into my flesh while I try to get to my baby.

  “Ezra, I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was hurting you.” Her voice is tearful. “I’m sorry. Help me fix it.”

  It’s all too hard to explain, and she can’t fix it. This is inside me. “I can’t do this. If I do this, I’ll lose everything. I don’t want to lose you. I’d rather lose you like that than like this. I’m sorry. I gotta go.” I pull my pants on and walk away, my heart drowning.

  Chapter 16

  I didn’t sleep at all, and Jake just came in to wake me so we can eat breakfast and go.

  I’m sitting on the edge of the bed fully dressed.

  He’s staring at me. “Why do you fight so hard at everything you do? You’re going to make yourself sick. Look at you. Where’s the girl?”

  “Fuck off.” I get up and put my backpack on roughly. “Have I ever tried to make you do something that hurt you?”

  “Nothing you could try to make me do can hurt me.”

  “Well, I guess that makes you the fucking king of the mountain, doesn’t it?” I know he’s not the enemy. It feels good to lash out, though.

  “Don’t yell at me because you’re punishing yourself for nothing.”

  “Fuck you.”

  I sit myself at the table across from Mayyim.

  She looks at me and smiles sweetly.

  Does that mean everything is okay? I’m so fucking confused. I want to curl in a corner and sleep until it’s over.

  “Blueberry muffin for you, Sir.” Nancy puts food in front of me.

  “Thank you, ma’am.”

  “I packed you guys a lunch, too. And some snacks. And for you, Mayyim, something special, courtesy of Bluebell.” She gives Mayyim a basket of goat soap.

  Mayyim grins. “Thank you so much.”

  “You’re always welcome here. If you ever need a place to stay. It’s the same invitation the boys have been given. Okay?”

  “Thank you.”

  “Don’t worry. She’ll be coming back.” Jake’s mouth is full of breakfast but he’s still assuring her.

  “Why are you so confident?”

  “Because, she’s one of us now. She goes where we go, and I know Ezra’s coming back because he likes shootin’ the shit with you. And I’ll be coming back.”

  She smiles at him affectionately. “And why will you come back, Jacob?”

  “Because, Corazon, my mama doesn’t make as good queso de cabra. I hate the goats at home. But you and your goats, nothing like it,” Jake flirts and Oscar nods agreement.

  “You’re making an old lady blush with your flattery.”

  “I don’t see any old lady.”

  She kisses his cheek. “Just for that I’m writing you into my will.”

  “Just leave me your farm.” He shrugs, more concerned with eating.

  Mayyim looks at me, calm and kind. She smiles softly. “Everything’s okay,” she mouths.

  But I’m still just as confused.

  We hit the road and Jake keeps asking me where we’re going, but I don’t care.

  “Let’s go to Palm Springs. You guys can hole up at a hotel, and Oscar and I can meet with Heidi and her little sister, Vivienne. Right, Oscar?” He nudges him and Oscar grins.

  I hate Palm Springs. It’s like LA’s crusty old aunt and her nineteen smelly cats. “It’s so fucking hot there,” I whine. You don’t know how much I hate that place.

  “Lighten up. You can stay in a hotel during the day and go out at night. That’s what we usually do anyway.”

  “The freaks come out at night, Love.” And I’ll be holed up with Mayyim with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Not good for my cause.

  “I know.” He grins.

  Chapter 17

  They come with us to our room and eat lunch with us before taking off. I hand him a wad of money while he packs up to head out because I’m the money guy.

  “Call Cece to give her the number here and check in. You also need to call your sister. It’s been a while. She’s probably worried about you. I’ll keep in touch,” he tells me.

  We hug, big real hugs. I hate splitting up and so does he. But he has Oscar. And Heidi is a good time.

  I close the door behind them and turn back to Mayyim. She’s lying on the bed, looking through her backpack.

  I kneel on the floor beside the bed and she smiles at me, showing me her things. “This is my whole life.”

  “It’s okay. We’ll get the rest of it.” I assure her.

  She shakes her head. “No, it’s okay. This is everything I need. I’m completely free.”

  She has no idea what it’s like to be eighteen and free in the real world. I’m almost twenty-one and free in the real world, and I’m in the same place she is.

  “I’m going to take a shower and change.” She pulls out some tightly rolled clothes and her goat soap and practically skips to the bathroom.

  And I’m left with all the feelings I still have.

  I get ready to call Cece. She’ll tell me what to do and how I should feel.

  I dial her number wait for her to pick up.

  “What?” she asks, grumpy.

  “Hey, Jake told me to call you.”

  “Why?” she asks quickly. “Are you guys in trouble?”

 
“No, we split up. Mayyim’s on the run so we’re at a hotel in Palm Springs. Jake took Oscar to Heidi and Vivienne’s.”

  “Oh, God. That’s all we need.”

  I snort a laugh at her unveiled sarcasm. “Yeah.” I don’t know what to say.

  “Seems like you got something on your mind?”

  Yeah. I do. “I’m having trouble sticking to the script.”

  “Hmm. Okay, real quick, she’s young but she’s not that young. She’s been messed with, but who hasn’t? You’re not like them and she knows it. She’s been grown and looking out for herself a long time. She’s innocent in the things she should be. You’re a good guy, you deserve to be happy. She’s a good girl and she’s ready to move on with her life. Go get ‘em, Tiger.”

  “How do I get over myself and my thinking?”

  “I don’t know, sweetie. You have a relationship with God. Pray.”

  I give her the number to the hotel and the room number. “Is your dad still home?”

  “Yeah.” She sounds tired.

  “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah. He’s drunk and he beat my mom, but I have the babies and the little girls locked in my room with me. His friends are coming later. He’ll get drunker and meaner,” she says and I can hear her sigh.

  I don’t want her to get hurt. Or the kids. “I’m sorry, Cece. Take care of yourself, okay? Take off if you need to.”

  “Where would I go?”

  That’s the problem, isn’t it? But there’s a light bulb above my head because I know a place. “Hey, you know Darry, right?”

  “Yeah. He’s Jake’s old sidekick.”

  “Yes. His parents are out of town this week. I didn’t care because when he told us he said we couldn’t party. He’s taking care of his little brother and sister.”